To Natalie: Year 11 - Birthday Poem

I meant to write a poem for Natalie when she turned 10.  I finally got around to it.  Pretty familiar Wakefield family tradition - poems on milestones.  Better late than never and she got to read it just after having breakfast in bed (a relatively new Vogel family tradition).  For the rest of her birthday - day, she is going to have treats at school.  Then we are going to a mac-and-cheese only restaurant with my family.  Perfect for my girl.  She will get to celebrate with Dave's family in a couple of weeks.

To the left, she is in the middle of all the before-school birthday festivities, with her new rip-stick. (To the right is the gratuitous picture with Toddler, who kept photo-bombing the other shots.)  What a treat she is!  Love this girl so much......

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God's mercy to me is plain

All over your beautiful face.

I look at it and all I can do is

Thank Him for this every day grace.

Your prayers are always answered.

Your jokes (almost) always funny.

Your brain is constantly working,

But it's your unceasing kindness that is sweeter than honey.

Eleven years have flown by.

One day never like the last.

And I know someday that today,

Will seem like a long time in the past.

But for the moment, I want to treasure that,

Everything is still new and exciting for you.

Even your Mac-And-Cheese obsession leads us

To try something new.

Soon, you will be all grown.

A woman in your own right.

When you’ve moved away,

I will miss tucking you in at night.

You’ve taught me how to be a Mom.

You are teaching me, still.

You challenge me to be better.

It’s not a burden, it’s a thrill.

Daddy and I are so proud of you;

It’s tough to think you’ll be soon off on your own.

Even though we want to see what’s next,

We regret it will eventually involve a phone.  (Not today though.)

Always remember I love you,

I am the one who loves you best.

Spread your wings and fly, little bird,

Just always come back to the nest.

The One Thing I've Learned about Marriage

If this isn't a key to a long, happy marriage, I don't know what is. It's a goal to work towards, not an end to achieve, but it is possible to find your way to this.  Doesn't have to look like Beaver Cleaver because the Lord works all things together - and He can work in any and every situation.  Just try to believe that and He will come alongside you both to guide you towards this. 

Thanks to my friend Michelle for posting it on Facebook!

What Expat Living Has Taught Me (2nd Time Around)

Natalie & Sophia in their Fano shirts

Being an expat is not for everyone.  Our first time, in Trinidad, was a total system shock, or rather detox.  This second time around was no less a struggle, primarily because of our unique family requirements.  Yet we are better for the just-over-six-months-in-total the girls and I have been here. (Dave almost 9 months).  To quote Ben Groundwater in his recent article about expats, 

"Expats tend to be adventurous, to be risk-takers. After all, they've already left their friends, their homes, their comfort zones and probably most of their possessions in another country to begin a new life abroad. That takes guts. It's only a certain type of person who'll do that."

I never knew I was that type of person till we moved.  I don't know I can say it is a either-or situation, but you have to be at least willing to be resourceful and more than a little bit uncomfortable at times to be an expat.  I like to imagine that if we were stranded on a desert island, we'd be fine because of how we've learned to adapt.  Dave would conjure up a shelter and/or escape plan, I'd figure out some delicious meal to cook and and my kids would learn to love coconut water.  They already love the beach, so that actually sounds pretty easy, now that I think about it.  (See beach commentary below.)

We've gained a lot of knowledge about what is important to our family since this venture as strangers in a strange land.  As a final salute to Fano, Italy and expat life (for now), here are a few of the things I'd like to document for posterity, in no particular order.  (And if you are thinking about the expat life, they might be good things to know ahead of time!)

• Family is all you've got, so you better make friends fast.  (And do your best to stay friends, especially since there are so few of us on this project!)
• Gelato is everything about Italy to my kids.  This picture to the right, from our recent trip to Parma, sums up Sophia's whole ambition while we've been here - eat as much gelato as possible, as often as possible.  (Home is going to be tough for her!)
• It's ok to fight.  It's going to happen when you are together nearly 24x7.  It's not ok not make up quickly.
• I like arugula a lot better than spinach and tomatoes are way better here.
• Kids grow up really fast and the best you can do is try to keep up.
• Fans, cool night air and window units do not replace central air conditioning.
• Say what you mean and mean what you say, but be careful not to ramble on.
• It's fun to have visitors and go traveling with them.  It's also fun to explore as just the five of us.
• Be patient with those who don't speak the language as well as you do.  One day, you might be the one no one understands.
• Walking and public transportation are awesome.  It doesn't preclude gaining weight but it can slow the creep.  We should do more of it in Texas.
• I like scarves.  
• I HATE MOSQUITOES!  *But they love me.*
• Italians have opinions - most are helpful, but some are just annoyed by your existence.
• Staring, contrary to what our mothers told us, is not rude.  It's completely acceptable here, so I've learned to do it back.  (I may have to let that one habit go when I step off the plane in Houston.)
• Babies are the common denominator.  And no one, absolutely no one has any issue asking you very personal questions within seconds of meeting you.
• Wine is cheaper than any other beverage, water included. 
• Fresh is the way to go.  Salt is pretty much the only preservative, even in snack foods.  I like that a lot and hope to copy it back home.
• I am so thankful for the beach.  Hours and hours of busy time in a very relaxing way.

  

  The Fano Beach on the Adriatic from my chair

• (Beach Related) Don't worry about what you look like in a swim suit.  No one else does.
• (Beach Related) Americans are prudes.  And I like being a prude.

The biggest thing I've come to realize I miss about America is the personal space.  Even more than showers and JIF Peanut Butter, I need my personal space.

In summary: We like being expats.  We like being home too.  Now closing our 2nd experience, we know a lot of the pros and cons.  We have our comforts at home that we don't have here, but it's good to be without those once and awhile.  It teaches you independence.  Being out of your comfort zone is good for the soul.  You learn about teamwork and that there is a much bigger world out there.  It's really been great for my kids.

And to answer the final, all encompassing question of whether or not (and when) we will be expats again?

I hope we will but maybe not too soon.

Keep Quiet - Marriage Series - #3

If you've made it this far, through Step #1 and Step #2, perhaps you are willing to go a little farther.

In the eternal scheme of things, this next step takes you miles and miles and miles ahead of where you are now.  When you've said your piece, when you've stood on righteousness, then you can stop using your words to convince your spouse.  Convince him/her of what?  That depends on you, but my guess would be, to love you the way you want to be loved.

That was my trouble.  I kept talking and talking (very loudly and aggressively at times), telling him how he wasn't doing it right.  I kept coming at him till I got tuned out.  My words became a cacophony rather than a melody, so my husband quit listening.  Kind of like a young baby who is overstimulated and will just pass out - my husband's ears fell asleep to the sound of my nagging voice.

The remedy here is....

Be quiet. 
 
1 Peter 3:1-2 leads us down the right path: 

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (emphasis mine)

(I read this verse in every translation available.  If you don't get it the first time, if it doesn't speak to your heart, keep on changing translations on Biblegateway.com till you do.  The Lord will speak to you.  He will give you the strength to do what He is asking.) 

For some of us who are quite loquacious (myself included here) this seemed at once the hardest and the easiest thing to do.  Hard because you might be used to getting your way using words.  Easy because when you stop trying to verbally convince someone, the pressure is off.

It is in the quiet that you find God.  It is in the silence that you find the beauty of showing rather than telling someone you love them.  If your spouse is so used to your words, when he/she doesn't hear them anymore, your actions will be that much louder.  
 
Don't share things with him/her until their ears are opened.  That's what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 7:6: Don't expend your breath on someone who is not ready to listen (and who might even be hostile towards hearing whatever you have to say).  It is a waste, a fruitless investment.  You want validation and encouragement, I know.  But trust me when I tell you: spouses used to hearing your voice will take more notice when you stop speaking and start serving. 

Give the glorious happenings would normally share with your spouse to the Lord - hold your hands up in prayer and let them be your sacrifices.  Let this be a fast of sorts, to enable you to depend on the Lord for the love you desire, instead of trying to force it out of your spouse.  Get intimate with God when the verbal intimacy of your marriage is waning.

When you do that - the Lord will drench you in His love.  If you get the love you need, then you will be able to demonstrate it to your spouse.  This requires as much spiritual as mental and emotional growth.  Spend time in God's word.  Spend time in prayer.  Spend time listening to songs about God.  Spend time praising Him for Who He is and what He has done for you.  Turn that attention you want from your spouse to the Lord.  You will not regret it.

Now - I'm not saying totally ignore your spouse.  You do have to dial it back, but what I'm saying is the energy you've been pouring into your spouse, to pry out the love you so desperately need (and they aren't able to give) - turn that effort into falling in love with Jesus (again).

These steps are not the cure-all for everything that ails your marriage.  It's just the experience of someone who has been in your shoes.   I don't have all the answers and you might need to enlist professional help.  There are a lot really good therapists out there who can help you work through "stuff."

Dear Friend - Don't give up.  The Lord wants your marriage to succeed.  When you believe that, you can feel confident that your efforts to love and obey Him will be rewarded, however that turns out here on Earth.  If I can pray for you, please leave it in the comments or email me at amysvogel@hotmail.com  

Strong marriages are not perfect marriages, but they are possible. In the Lord's hands, your marriage will end up better than you could ever ask for or imagine. 

Surrender - Marriage Series - #2

If you have decided to stand up for the things of God in your marriage, which we talked about in the first installment - you are on the right path.  You have taken the first step towards total healing and redemption.  It could be you are the only one doing so.  You could be facing a spouse who gets worse by the day.  Maybe it's gotten to the point that in standing up, you want to start walking....out the door and never come back.

The enemy, the world, our culture and even friends and family will tell you to that you shouldn't have to put up with "this." You will hear that you deserve to be happy and you can do much better.  You will be encouraged to find your "real" soul mate, the one who really completes you.  You will be told your marriage, no matter what the reality, is too broken to fix.

I'm here to tell you that there is nothing so broken God can't fix it.

That includes your marriage.  I know that statement is not very popular.  But if I believe God can create the universe and everything in it, I believe He can heal your marriage.  In fact, it may be at the top of His to do list. 

If you are struggling to stay in your marriage, I want you to consider this.  The Lord is giving you the opportunity to learn to love your spouse the right way - without fear or condition.  You can love your partner, no matter how he or she acts (even when he or she is being a big jerk.)  

You have culpability here - you have to confess whatever your part is in letting your marriage get to this point.  But you can't let guilt drive your decisions.  You don't owe your spouse.  He or She did not save you.  Only Jesus can do that, so you must let His Holy Spirit free you of your dependency on this other person.  This is where it gets really hard because surrender is your only option.  You must surrender your spouse to the Lord.  You must say,

God, I have to give him/her to You.  I can't change him/her, I can't change the situation.  I can only let You change my heart and mind.  Here _____ is, Lord, all Yours.  Do whatever You must and I know You will sustain me because You want me to find my wholeness in You alone.  I trust in YOU, Lord.  Not in my spouse or what he/she can do for me.  Help me, Father.  Please.

I know fear is hounding you right now.  The marriage statistics are dismal.  I think they are even worse in the Church than in the general population.  Yet, in surrendering to God, you will be made like Hannah - the Lord will honor you.  Your heart will be pure and your reverence for Him will grow more complete.  In the words of Dag Hammarskjold, Nobel Peace Prize winner,

I don't know Who, or What, put the question.  I don't know when it was put.  I don't even remember answering.  But at some moment I did answer Yes to Someone, or Something, and from that hour I was certain that existence is meaningful and that, therefore, my life, in self-surrender, had a goal.

All God wants is a yes.  He wants to bear you and your troubles up in His ocean of love.  He doesn't want a maybe, or perhaps tomorrow.  He wants you to open the door so He can come in to do His great healing, redemptive work TODAY.  We serve a God who specializes in using the impossible to demonstrate His power and glory.  I don't know what the outcome of your situation will be, but I know, when you surrender to the Lord, you won't come out a loser.  You won't come out defeated.

You are already a conqueror in Christ.  The only thing you have to do is open your clenched fists and give Him the sacrifice of your heart.  When you do that - you will be given the power to take the final step....

Keep Quiet.

Stand Up - Marriage Series - #1

You ever get one of those emails that send you reeling back in time?

I got one last week.  It took me back about 5-6 years - when things weren't so happy in our house.  We were busy setting up careers, having kids and establishing a life.  Our marriage got a little lost in space.  That space of exactly 4 hours (give or take) between when you get home and when you pass out.  In those hours, you drain out the remaining dregs of your energy getting dinner on the table and kids to bed.

It doesn't matter if you are on fire for God or you haven't given Him the time of day in years.  No one is immune from obstacles and marriage is one of the enemies favorite things to throw under the bus.  Indeed, those with the strongest of faith are often attacked on their home turf most frequently.  Why?  Because it's so hard to fight there.

The details of my marital struggles aren't as important as the commonality of them.  Every person I've ever known who has been married has, at one point or another, hit a wall.  (And if you haven't yet, trust me, you will.) Decision-time: Do you stay or do you go?  Ours happened between year 4-7.  No, it wasn't all 3 years, but serious growth was required on all accounts.  Until that happened, it got real ugly at times. I've seen a few things in other marriages too. 

Enough to know there are key essentials to making a marriage work, God's way.  It requires hope, faith, but most importantly the choice to keep loving, even when other choices look a lot easier.  I hear it's like when your kids are teenagers, you just have to hold on to the belief the foundation you laid will hold.  And you know what Jesus said about building the right foundation.  Feel free to weigh in, I don't have a lock on things.  After (only) 11 years of marriage - I know I still have A LOT to learn.

Step #1 - STAND UP. 

In the church, we are taught to be meek and mild and have turn-the-other-cheek-till-it-hurts kind of humility.  But nowhere in Scripture can I find where it says we have to relinquish our dignity to submit in God's name.  Jesus was NEVER undignified.  He is the most courageous person to ever walk the face of the earth.  

What I've often encountered in the process of marriage struggles is things get nasty.  We let the little irritating things develop into comments and arguments that terribly wound our spouses.  We get to the point that all we want to do is hurt them because we are hurting.  Our expectations, our dreams have been dashed on the rocks of reality.  Someone has to pay.  

I remember this phase, the all out hostility and you are just flabbergasted that someone who says they love you can treat you this way.  Just evil.  

But it's part of the process of transformation.  The ugly has to come out before the goodness can be put in. 
 
If you are the one being attacked - you must make a switch to righteousness and stand there.  You may feel beaten down, but you aren't supposed to be treated like dirt.  This is a Jesus and the Money Changers situation. We can stand in love and we say No, You Cannot Treat Me This Way.  I'm not going to allow it anymore.  I can and will be available when things calm down, but for the moment, I gotta separate myself from this onslaught.  

Even if you are being unjustly attacked, use the weapons God gives you.  1 Corinthians 13:4-5 is a good place to refer to: Love is patient and kind.  It doesn't dishonor others, isn't self-seeking, isn't easily angered and doesn't keep a record of wrongs.

Andy Stanley, in his book Enemies of the Heart writes these simple, but wise words:

If you're a Christian, you aren't expected to treat others the way you've been treated by others; you've been called to treat people the way you've been treated by your Father in heaven.

The bottom line is, you don't engage until you can do it in a way that reflects love, or at the very least, grace.

And I think it goes without saying (but I'm going to say it anyway), you can't be the perptrator.  You can't be the one slashing and burning the matrimonial bridges.

It's not about getting what we deserve or making someone pay for how they hurt us.  We have to learn to love without the emotional dependency.  When you reach the point of understanding it is not about your husband (or wife) saving you, but rather about growing in the sacrificial love of Christ, the war becomes much less interesting.  When peace is the goal, winning the battle loses its appeal. 

It will take awhile.  I don't know how long and it's never just a one-time occurrence.  But the more you stand up for the things of God, the faster the walls of pain seem to come down. And always be praying - for yourself, your family and for your spouse.  When you do - God intervenes.  He makes reconciliation possible. I've known couples to divorce and remarry when they let the Lord in!

But since we don't want it to get that far....here's what we will cover next time.  Because standing up makes the next step possible.

Surrender.