The Last Post

I've been coming to this post for awhile.  I'm taking inventory of most everything in my life - or at least that's what my friend/counselor Pastor Andy tells me.  It's true.  When my Dad died, it shifted my foundation and I don't understand the full impact of it yet.  It's a big adjustment in uncountable ways.  Big probably isn't the most effective word to use right there, but I'm not always as eloquent as I would like to be. 

I will say it is another order of magnitude of inventory-taking from the season right after Sophia's diagnosis.  Poignantly, my Dad died the day after Sophia was given the all clear.  He got to see it.  Thank You Jesus.

After writing a blog for 7 years, I've come into agreement with God: it is time to move on.  I'm entering into a unknown season, one where I don't share everything God gives me all the time - at least not on an easily accessible public forum.  It is going to be hard for me, as I enjoy the gratification of knowing I've helped people, encouraged them in their faith and (more than a little selfishly) the praise that comes with writing a piece people like.  My love language is Words of Affirmation and when people click "like," comment, email or tell me in person they like what I wrote, it makes me feel pretty darn good, productive and.....deeply fulfilled. 

Writing is a gift God has given me, a gift that touches me at the deepest level.  There isn't anything wrong enjoying the praise that comes from being a useful tool in His hands.  It's just time to have the courage to say Yes to Him using this tool in different and new ways.  It's time to seek His approval alone for a little while.  Does that mean I won't share?

No, I'm on social media (probably too much for some folks) so I will continue to document my family's antics, adventures and the events we experience that move the Kingdom of God forward.  I'm too much of a people person to keep totally silent.

There is an element of discipline and obedience required to go deeper into what the Lord wants to do in and through me.  I've got to be taught to teach.  Also, in order to finish some of the projects He has entrusted me with and will bring to my doorstep in 2016, I need to put this down.  I know I haven't written much lately and didn't quite persevere with #2015TheYearofPrayer like I wanted.  Still, this blog occupies my mind and heart in a way that doesn't leave enough space for the work He wants me to do now.

I read this verse during my quiet time this morning - which put me in a wonder-filled mindset at the timing: For loving God means obeying his commands.  Moreover, his commands are not burdensome, because everything which has God as its Father overcomes the world.  And this is what victoriously overcomes the word: our trust.  Who is it that overcomes the world?  Only the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:3-5, CJB/NIV)

What is coming is not burdensome, just as this blog has not been so, only the opposite.  It's always been a precious outlet.  It's now time for me to take up my Cross in a little different way - to switch shoulders, if you will and trust Jesus more to carry the load.  I treasure those of you I've told about this change, who received it with grace and humility.  Thank you for letting me know how you've enjoyed reading.  I know that's only  15 of you, but still. 

We are all coming to the end of 2015 - headed into a new year, but more than that; it is a fresh start to lay down what we might have carried for too long, plans we've made that aren't producing the sweetest fruit.  It's time for us, as the People of God, to seek, without any timidity, our purposes and destiny in Christ.  We must press in to overcome the barriers and distractions of this world - to step out from behind the curtain and show the world what He has done, is doing and will do through a Church who loves Him, is learning to love itself and wants to others well.

(Not) Incidentally, a couple weeks back, the Lord gave me "my" word for 2016.  If 2015 was Prayer - 2016 is Love.  I thought that word was just for me until I spoke to my friend Wynter this morning and she got the same word!!  The Lord is setting this world up to see what His ultimate display of love really looks like in His People - His United and Unified Church.  The time is short to do it, so we have to do it NOW.

What I've always tried to do on this blog is answer the question, "What does faith look like in real life?"  So: what does God's love look when His people breath it in and out in every moment of life?

Well, the Spirit has given me 2 verses this year - one for my ministry life and one for my personal life.  The ministry one came much earlier in the year, the personal one only since my Dad's passing.  It is the personal one, Psalm 116, that gives me the idea on how to help people understand the reality of what God's love looks like:

Be at rest, once more, O my soul, 
For the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord have delivered me from death,

my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

I just have to tell my story of how good the Lord has been to me.  It's that simple.  It's all you have to do, too.

How has He been good to you?

How has He delivered you from death?

How has He dried your tears?

How has He held you up when you were about to fall?

Ironically, of course, you would think this medium would be perfect for that!  But not in the coming season.  I need to craft my story through alternative means and wait for Him to show me how to share it with the world.

I hope you've felt through these sometimes silly, sometimes desperate and sometimes searching posts that I love Jesus and I love you.  I hope You've seen His marvelous power to destroy the shade of death over the lives of my family and friends.  I hope You've seen how He is teaching me to love myself, by drying my tears over Sophia and thereby giving me permission to cry about other things - including my Dad.  I know I've felt like I've hit the concrete so hard so many times, but in reality, He cushioned, or even broke my fall - even pulling me back just in time.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you laughing and crying with me and listening to my thoughts. Thank You for serving me with your companionship.  I do hope it's made a difference in Your walk with Christ.  He is so close - He left it all to come to us and be not just WITH us, but One of us.  He knows you and He knows me.  He doesn't miss a thing and that's a very good thing.  

Don't stop seeking Him, ever.  Keep getting closer, even if it is uncomfortable or scary.  Even (and especially) when others don't get it.  He is as close as your breath but even closer - as close as the blood pumping in your veins.  I know He wants to do marvelous things through you, and me.  We are all in this together.  By trusting what He has done and how He is demonstrating it through us, we do overcome everything this world throws at us.

Keep in touch!  I will.

amysvogel@hotmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/awvogel 

https://twitter.com/amywvogel

2015 - The Year of Prayer - Catching Up

From my last post (you can read it here), you would rightly guess I consider tears as prayers at the moment.  If Jesus holds out a one-of-a-kind bottle to catch each one of our tears, that He considers them priceless - so valuable to shed His own blood (even tears of blood) - then I will consider them my glorious sacrifice.

Today is a roller coaster.  I woke up feeling great and was a little concerned I felt so good.  I knew at 10 am, my Mom, my brother and I were to meet to put the remaining pieces into my Dad's niche at St. Luke's UMC's columbarium before they seal it. 

Contents of my Dad's niche

This is where his ashes will be and my Mom will eventually be next to him (although hilariously enough, she doesn't remember if it is the right or the left side).  I even forgot to tell Dave about our meeting.  I was to visit a friend after and then have lunch with another, so I focused on the positive and frankly, felt awesome.

Then as I was driving there, I felt the lead ball form in my stomach.  It is real, it is happening and I'm going to have to deal with it.

I could feel it coming as we stood there looking at his cremains.  A small wave of tears broke on the way to my first visit.  Fortunately I was able to get a hold of a friend.  I just couldn't be alone in the car.  I'm so thankful he answered because it got me through.  I held it together until later when I nearly broke down grocery shopping.

That's when the tidal wave of grief hit me full force in the face.

I shouldn't have been driving because I was crying so hard.  In that moment, as much as I wanted to call someone, I knew it would forestall the inevitable.  I knew this pain would pass but I needed to let it in.  I had to hurt for the hurt to pass.

I am sure everyone could tell when I went into school to get Ella.  It's pretty obvious, even with the waterproof mascara I remembered to put on this morning (THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT), when I cry.  Ridiculously obvious. 


I've said a lot of popcorn prayers for folks today but mostly I just let my tears speak for themselves.  Jesus wept (John 11:35).  He knows.  I didn't feel any tangible presence of God in those moments but the fact that twice today, at my lowest, the Mercy Me song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on KSBJ, I knew He was with me.  He was reminding me where my Dad is and what he might be doing.  That speaks volumes of God's love and care for me.

Really, my prayer today is not very profound: Lord, This Just Sucks.

I know I'm a writer and a prayer warrior and supposedly this spiritual leader, so I should probably come up with something much more impactful (which my brother pointed out when I said it at the grave site).  But for this moment, it is my truth: THIS REALLY STINKS.  This is my prayer, this is what I'm living.

Everyone has moments like this, leaders are not exempted.  Everyone has those moments or days when we just put our heads in our hands and tell God - in words, thoughts or tears - how much something sucks.  Life on this fallen earth just does sometimes.  And we, in the Body of Christ, need to be available in those moments.  We need to have the openness and authenticity to stand by someone at their lowest, wrap our arms around them if possible, and just agree.  Agree it sucks and don't try and make it any better for a minute.  There will be time for that but take me at my word when I tell you, the pain has to be felt so it will subside.

I'm so glad I am surrounded by people who do that and who I can do it for.

As I posted on FaceBook this morning, I will end this day, this not-completely-but-in-a-few-ways-pretty-crappy day, being grateful.  I'll leave you with the chorus to the song I'm listening to, "Shepherd," from Amanda Cook on Bethel's You Make Me Brave Album.

You will lift my head above the mighty waves.
You are able to keep me from stumbling.
In my weakness, You are the strength that comes from within.
Good Shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on.

Tears - An All Saints Day Tribute

As I often do, I'll start this post off with some brutal honesty.

I've never given All Saints Day much thought.  It is a centuries old tradition, especially meaningful in the first 300 years of the Church when so many were martyred.  It still has a place today, and in the Methodist church, on the first Sunday of November, we celebrate the lives of those who've gone home to heaven in the last year.  As a family, we've lost people before now - including Dave's beloved grandmother Mable 18 months ago.  Yet, it's never hit this close to home; so close to pull me out of my self-absorbed reverie to grasp the full meaning. This All Saints Day, the day we put my Dad's ashes in the ground after church, definitely brings the full concept painfully close.

I woke this morning with a song in my head, "Already There," by Casting Crowns (you can listen to it here).  I've listened to that song a lot in the last 6 weeks.  We all have moments where we look at God and go, "What is happening?  Why?  When?  Where?....Huh, God?"  It is immensely comforting for me to be able to say, One day I'll stand before You and look back on the life I've lived. I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit.

Today, of all days, when I know it will be so hard, I am desperately clinging to that hope of glory.  There will be a day when those questions get answered.  It's funny to think, too, some of those questions I think are so important right now will not be when I'm standing next to Jesus. 

But for right now, just for today, for the next few hours, I'm not going to ask any questions.  I am just going to rest in the comfort of knowing God has me.  He has us.  He has my Dad.  He has the whole world.  He has not lost His grip. He is  present and able, always.  He is kind and gracious.  He loves me.  He loves you.  He knows it hurts and how badly it does.  He is already at the end of my life on earth but at the same time, and I write this with incredible mystery and wonder, He is right here with me in this moment and time.  I know all of that for sure, even if I don't understand it at all.

For anyone out there struggling like me, on this All Saint's Day, I gained permission from my friend
to post a vision she shared with me this week.  It is SO powerful, it shifted my thought-life about the world to come in a major way.  My friend is working through a decade-old grief and recently had a healing experience in prayer which is nothing short of otherworldly.  It's called Tears and will speak to the heart of anyone who's lost a loved one, as well as all those who've wondered what the Lord really does with our tears.  It's precious.  Please take it in and know the Lord indeed provides this level of comfort to all when we ask. 

Lord, You've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.  You've stored my many tears in Your bottle, not one will be lost.  You care about me every time I've cried.  For it is recorded in Your book of remembrance. - Psalm 56:8

I asked the Lord for a picture and this is what He gave me.  I share it with you.

I saw your tears, I felt my own - I fell to my knees.  Why Lord, why so much pain - who will carry all this pain?

In an instant I was swept away to a place; a weighty place so beautiful that words alone are insufficient.  I believe it was a secret place, for the most magnificent beings I have ever seen lined the room in majesty.  There were more than I could count and each one was holding a bottle.  Was it a bottle of light?  A bottle of gold?  A bottle of glory?  I could not tell.

No one spoke and I knelt, trembling in fear.  When I looked up, one bottle caught my eye.  It seemed to shine like the stars of Heaven.  The angel holding it summoned me toward it.  As I came near I saw its color; iridescent blue mixed with a majestic purple I have never seen on earth.  I could not take my eyes off such a stunning sight - my eyes were fixed, almost frozen as I looked upon this jar of beauty.  What was stored in such a container?  It could only be something worth more than all the wealth of the nations or all the hearts of men.  What could it be?

As I looked at this amazing bottle, I saw a name written on it - it was your name. The angel tipped the bottle and summoned me to look in - I trembled and tried to look away but I could not; I wanted to see the treasure within.  As I looked, I saw you my sweet friend, crying.  There you were, broken-hearted and tears unstoppable.  Before I could reach out to you, I saw your tears dropping, dropping into the beautiful bottle.  Yes, every tear spilling into this jar, not one to be lost.  As I watched the scene before me, I saw your tears turning into gems, diamonds and sapphires.  Each tear that dropped turned into splashes of beauty that were carefully contained so as not to be lost.   

I looked up at the angel as if to ask why but then I saw beyond the tears - it was a great and glorious ocean, iridescent blue and majestic purple splashing upon the beach.  Each splash formed a beautiful gemstone creating the sand.  Then I saw Him - my Jesus - His eyes the color of the ocean, His smile so joyful my heart could barely contain such magnificence.  He was running and laughing in the sand.  He was playing with someone - a family - I looked, it was you.  You were together - all of you - your faces looked happy, joyful yet filled with a peace I have never seen.  I watched Jesus as He carefully ran His hand through the sand.  It was as if the joy were come from the gems that formed the sand.

Yes, the joy was coming from the gems; the diamonds and sapphires that had been your tears.  The ones He had guarded so closely and stored in this jar of beauty were shining with joy.  How could this be - such pain turned to joy?  I looked again and I saw you crying, yet dancing together in the sand at the same time.  Could this ?  Two worlds so carefully knit together?  One of pain and one of joy?

Then I asked: WHY LORD ARE THESE TEARS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT NONE ARE TO BE LOST?

Immediately the angel tipped the jar so I could no longer see the contents but before me sat another bottle.  This one was gold, so bright I could barely look upon it but I saw for a fleeting moment the name: THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB.

I fell to the floor with my face down for fear I would die at such a precious sight.  My Savior's blood - the very blood that was shed for my life.  And then I knew....His blood that come from such a great sacrifice was shed for our tears, your tears, my tears, all the pain of this world.  Those tears were worth more than I could think or imagine and none were to be lost.

In an instant I was back on my knees, tears streaming down my face - tears for you.  The Lord was there holding a bottle - this one had my name on it - collecting my tears; the ones He gave His life for.  At that moment I let go - I surrendered my tears to Him who promised to carry my sadness, my pain, my heartbreak.  I know each tear has a safe place till Heaven and earth are one.  I do not understand but I will trust.

I pray that you will allow your tears to flow freely - for not one is ever lost or wasted and someday those tears will be like grains of sand that look like diamonds filling an ocean that only knows JOY.

I am forever thankful for you...my friend. 

I am Mary

Last week, I had to prepare a talk about who I was in the Bible.  It was an assignment for my Bible Study class in which I had to pick the person from Scripture I most identified with, in terms of life and ministry.  I asked a few friends for an opinion, but I didn't necessarily relate to the characters they mentioned.  I think that was more of a case how they related to me.  So, I decided I would pray about it.  I thought I should ask Jesus Himself.

Good idea, huh?  Go to the source.

So, I was praying but not much was really coming.  After the experience I had a few weeks ago when I was touched by the love of the Father (which you can read about here), I was praying a couple of days later.  I was listening to music and on my knees, feeling like I was at His feet.  That's when I felt/heard/realized the Holy Spirit spoke:  You are My Mary.

After I was able to get up off the floor, a long time later, as the weight of this download pinned me prostrate, I was able to process.  It was an identity shift, it moved the fabric of my own personal universe.  I've always thought of myself as Martha - I think most women nowadays too.  I've always been proud of that because Martha, despite her obvious misconception about what Jesus would do for her, she made the turn.  In John 11, she is all the way, on board.  She knows He is the Messiah.  She declares her belief in Him, her belief in Him as the Savior in this world and the next.

Now, He's changed my name.

Mary, the sister of Martha and Lazarus, was perhaps the first official female disciple.  It is remarkable because Jesus choosing her in Luke 10:42 gives us a greater understanding of what the Kingdom should look like.  Paul echoes that in Galatians 3:28 when he writes, There is no male or female, Jew or Gentile, slave or free, in Christ Jesus.  It was completely counter cultural, an upset in the societal order for Jesus to call Mary as a Disciple.  BUT HE DOES.  

It is clear He meant business with her because her role was just as critical to Him personally as well as missionally.  You see, Jesus not only anointed Mary with His authority to minister to others - but He let her minister to Him.  She anointed Him for burial with her dowry, 3/4 pound jar of spikenard oil.  He let her minister to His heart.  He let her care for Him!  Wow.  What a shift for her too, I bet.

I feel both humbled and wholly empowered to do what He is calling me to do, knowing He is with me.  He has put His mark, His stamp on me and will show me the way to accomplish what He wants to do through me.  It's Him and it's Me.  It's a remarkable feeling, a new level of freedom.

In closing, I'll share the opening of my talk, a little imaginative story-telling.  I went on to explain Mary's call and how I relate to her in more detail but I'll have to post that another time.  Just want to leave you with the possibility of what our God can do for you too, as you seek Him and all that He has to give you. 

A long time ago, there was a woman.  She had a sister and a brother, whom she lived with in a small village, not far from the main town in all the land.  They were not rich but they had enough.  One day, a celebrity teacher and his entourage came to their house for a visit.  It was a huge honor to her host and they knew it.  Her sister, the master hostess, began the preparations for a feast for some 20 people.  Even though they were of low to moderate means, her sister knew how to stretch it.  She was an expert on how to create much from little.  Yet, she often wears herself out in the process.

The motley band of the teacher and his buddies were in the main living room.  They were having a great time, telling stories from the road, laughing and teasing each other; and listening to the teacher explain in deeper detail what his plans were.  It was magical and this young woman was pulled into it.  It was not the typical place for a woman to be, as in those days and still today, some people said a woman’s place was in the kitchen.  Truly, that was where her sister would have preferred her to be.  Still, this woman was different.  She would rather been soaking in the presence of this celebrity, this teacher of renown.  She wouldn’t have been pulled away unless by force.

In her heart of hearts, this woman loved the teacher from the start.  There was a special connection to him she could not put a finger on.  It was not necessary physical, as he wasn’t striking or devastatingly handsome, as many popular men even now have to be.  His charisma overpowered her.  It wa his wisdom, his focus that drew her in.  The shape and color of his eyes – the depth of his soul shining from them – it captivated her.  His words made her feel different inside.  She was uncomfortable but not in a bad way.  It was as if some long dead part of her was coming alive, was waking up from sleep as she listened to Him.

It was love that drew her in.  It was a more complete, sacred, holy feeling than she’d ever experienced.  It radiated from him.  He seemed to have a special eye for her too, not just because she wasn’t doing what was expected of her.  She was hungry and he knew it.  More than that, he had the food to feed her.  He admired her.  He saw her devotion and her sweetness.  He saw she cared for him, cared what he had to say – not because she could get something from him, like so many around him.  She wanted what he came to give.  She loved him for who he was, not just what he could do for her.  Their bond was unique and it stood out.

As the woman sat rapt, she did more than listen.  She internalized what he was saying.  She believed him with her whole heart.  The way he talked about his father was so unusual.  The way he talked about their God so unique.  She was completely present in the moment and felt like she could stay comfortable in his presence forever.  In fact, she was so lost in what he was saying, she didn’t notice her sister passive-aggressively berating her to their guest!

She shrank back, fearful of what he will say.  Would he reject her?  Would he send banish her back to the kitchen with her sister?  Would she have to settle for an ordinary life?  After hearing him teach, after sitting so comfortably in his presence…the idea of not being with him, of not being part of what he was doing, was unthinkable. If he told her to, she would go back to the kitchen, but she dreaded it.  She silently prayed to Yahweh to help her to stay where she was.  She wanted what the teacher had and she wanted her life to change.  She wanted freedom and she knew he was the way to it.  He was different than anyone else she’d ever met. 

A word from him would change her whole life.  So she held her breath.  She felt like she was on the teetering edge between life and death.  It all depended on him, on his decision.  He wielded authority like no one else, which is why her sister went to him.  When he walked in the house, he became the head.  He was head of this house, now, too. 

Her future would begin or end with his word.  So, she sat there and awaited her fate……

My Dad

This is a whiplash week.  That's the only way I can describe it.  Freedom came Tuesday.  Heartbreak (again) broke down the door on Wednesday morning.  My Dad, my wonderful father, got called home late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning.  We aren't sure exactly what the cause of death was, but we know one thing: The Lord made it so peaceful.  There was no fight, no tremor, no trauma.  It is literally like the Lord said, "David, it's time."

And he said, "Ok!"

That's the way it should be.  When the Lord calls, there should be no regrets about saying goodbye.  There should be no looking back like Lot's wife.  There should be no trying to hold up your finger to just take a second to tell the ones you love you will see them later.  We should live that way now and my Dad did that pretty well.

The living deal with the emptiness.  The living deal with being left behind and the gaping hole that is created by absence.  I'm not angry with God.  I know how He works and I know it was time for my Dad to go.  I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO, and I wouldn't have picked this kind of exit, or at this time, but my God knows better.  He could have taken him 15 years ago when he had an aneurysm but the Good Lord gave him more time to teach us how to live and be and have faith.  I just wish I could have said goodbye.  Or had the chance to love on him a little more.

Today, I wrote his obituary.  Something I never thought in my wildest I would ever do.  I guess that legitimizes my standing in the family as a writer.  I texted 2 friends after I wrote it that I felt like I was going to throw up.  I've gotten that feeling a few times in the last 54 hours.

Thank you to all who've called, texted, emailed, cooked and delivered food, asked after us and been with us in our as-yet-unprocessed-grief.

I've been here (sort-of) before, so I can ask for prayers.  Pray for our strength next Wednesday.  I pray for my Mom past the busyness of next Wednesday.  There is so much still to do, to handle, to process. It takes so long to move on.  We have to figure out a "new normal" again.  Yet, this time without the patriarch.  He was kind, generous, faithful and gracious.  He taught my brother and I to be that way too.  We are who we are because of who our Dad was.  And our children carry on that legacy, just as they will tell stories of him to their children.

We have 1,000 generations of blessing coming.

As I've said several times this week as his body has passed, Bye Dad.  I love you.  I will miss you terribly.  You were such a good Dad.  I'll see you soon.

********************************************************************************

(Here's the obituary I wrote which will be in the Chronicle and various church publications soon.) 

On Wednesday, September 16, 2015, David Warren Wakefield, treasured husband, father and grandfather, passed away peacefully in his sleep.  He is survived by his wife of 48 years, Carole, his son Craig, daughter and son-in-law Amy and David Vogel and his beloved 5 granddaughters: Madison, 16, Ryan, 12, Natalie, 11, Sophia, 9 and Ella Grace, 2.  

David was a man of great integrity, wisdom, generosity and humor.  He made an impact on all who met him, with his ideas, jokes and profound intelligence.  He graduated from Georgia Tech University in 1967.  He entered the Navy as a Lieutenant and served as a Naval Aviator from 1967-1971. 

He ran several successful companies; all in the Power Generation and Process Industry and his knowledge of this business cannot be duplicated.  His reputation for fair-mindedness and gracious conduct is felt by all who worked with and for him.  While business was his focus, family was his life.  He loved his wife, his children and was enormously proud of all of his granddaughters.  He saw the blessing and gift they were to his life and, just like with his children, he was a committed presence in their lives.

He was also a man of deep faith, especially in his time as a member of St. Luke’s United Methodist.  He always wore a gold Number One pin on his collar.  When he was asked about it, he simply said, “It reminds me to keep the Lord first.”  He taught so many the meaning of a well-lived life, how to have fun here and now and the importance of living in light of eternity.  He will be greatly missed and loving remembered.

A Memorial service is being held on Wednesday, September 23^rd, 2015 at 10 am at St. Luke’s United Methodist Church.  In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made to St. Luke’s United Methodist Church (Building Fund in the memo, www.stlukesmethodist.org under “giving.”) or PKD Foundation, www.pkdcure.org.

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 32 and 33

Pray for me.  It's been PEA-NUTS.

The last week of summer and the first week of school are in the books.  If I thought there was little time to write during the summer, I had even less time this first week of school.  It was a Release week (our monthly praise and prayer service at church), I spoke to a women's group and we were having our floors replaced.  All that plus a few "extras," made this a week that left me spinning.

On Monday or Tuesday, I reported to my mom that one of the girls was going to have a fit by the end of the week.  Little did I know it was going to be me!

I am hopeful I'm off the roller coaster of the last 2 weeks (and 2 1/2 months of summer).  With the establishment of our new routine (with Natalie in 6th grade at West Briar Middle School and Sophia in 4th at Shadowbriar Elementary...both new schools for us) and Ella Grace going back to Mother's Day Out next week.....I'm hoping, praying and looking forward to some time for me to be creative; to write and just generally pursue all the "professional" opportunities the Lord is continuing to present.

I'm asking for protection, guidance, insight, strength and compassion in all areas, with my family (always and ever) coming first, as well as knowing how to balance all the other good stuff coming my way.

Even as I've been going in a million different directions, wearing multiple hats per day, the spiritual work continues.  Sometimes it is through joy, sometimes through power and sometimes through tears and frustration.  I've prayed with people and witnessed them have breakthroughs, as the Lord prepares them for what He has next.  I've seen the ministries I'm involved in start to come into their own and the people I'm walking life with grow in leaps and bounds.  I've seen people in devastating emotional circumstances be kept in perfect peace.

This life, this faith is not designed to be grasped completely this side of Heaven.  I feel that so acutely sometimes it hurts.  But my outbursts, the explosions of emotion are much fewer and farther between,.  They catch everyone (including me) off guard because the grace of God is so thick around our family.  Everyone was surprised Friday night when I went a little bonkers, but by Saturday morning, we'd all gotten right again.

The Lord has taught me what it means to have a sound mind (even if I have my moments of crazy).  The Spirit is teaching me what the fruit of the Spirit of temperance (or what we call self-control) looks like.  More than anything in this last year, I've learned the process of bearing this fruit is both a joy and a burden.  It's a joy because when we learn to manage our flesh (I mean emotions, thought patterns, etc.), we see what it looks like to live like Christ.  It's a burden because sometimes we just want to have a pity party and behave badly.

The Spirit is indeed willing but the flesh can still be pretty weak.

With this in mind, I'm remembering how much anchoring in Scripture I need.  I've gone back to it after being out of Bible Study and daily reading of the Word, for more than a few months.  I've been reading a lot of books - which is good - but there just is no substitute for the Bread of Life and Truth - Our Lord and Savior's very words.

I'm in the Gospel of John - only in Chapter 4 after several weeks.  I'm trying to savor it.  That sounds very high and lofty but it is more satisfying a craving or scratching a desperate itch.  My spirit feels the lack when I'm not in the Word.  It is a necessity; daily mind and heart renewal, being reminded what is important so I can go about living life in a way that is worthy and worth it.  This morning, from the Message, I read these words from Jesus to the Samaritan women at the well: It's who you are and the way you life that count before God.  Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.  That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship.  God is sheer being itself - Spirit, Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration. (John 4:23-24)

I have not done any of this perfectly in the last 2 weeks.  But I take comfort in knowing I have been myself, just as I am, before God.  I don't think the actual execution of worship, prayer, service, etc, ever has to be perfect...frankly because we don't know what perfection - true Godly (pure, holy, righteous) perfection - really looks like.  Furthermore, we really can't be perfect this side of heaven (or Christ's 2nd coming).  And the Lord KNOWS THAT.  That's why Jesus came, to give us a shot again, as imperfect and flawed as we are, even after justifying faith takes root in our lives.

That theological reality is an enormous comfort to me, as someone recovering from a performance-based value system.

Even as perfection alludes me, God's grace in all its forms and types, does not.  He is way too big, way too loving, way too merciful to let me slip backwards.  So - forward on I press, towards the goal of knowing, loving, serving and sharing the prize of Jesus Christ.  (Phil 3:14).

I figure that's about the only thing I really have to do.  If I do that, He will make sure it will all work out for His glory and my goodness.  

That is something to be thankful for and I am.  Always something to be thankful for, in this life with Christ.

I hope you can find more than enough thankfulness when you think about your last few weeks.  Sometimes it takes some work to dig it out.  Other weeks praise of God is the most natural thing ever.  Wherever you are, I encourage you to take a moment - to center yourself, take a deep breath and thank the Lord for something.  It is a great start and a good habit to have throughout the day.

Keep praying.  Keep presenting all your requests with thanksgiving.  Keep finding things to be thankful for because that's how our world gets changed for the better.

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 30 and 31...Catching Up Again

We are 13 days away from normalcy....I mean school.  To answer the obvious question: Yes, we are all ready to go back.  Both the Olders start in new schools and can't wait.  This summer has been great, it really has.  But in the words of Jen Hatmaker - I'm over it.  We all are.  So, we will make the best of the nearly 2 weeks left, working towards somewhat of a routine so the first week of school won't be a total and complete shock to our systems.  Shock yes, but hopefully not a total one.

I'm still praying, just don't have a lot of time to write about it.  I do have a post teed up for tomorrow or Thursday, if I can carve out the time (because I have talks to give to the women's group at my church the next 2 Tuesdays) that really is rocking my world.  I'm structuring the 3 Wednesdays of prayer (@URPrays on Twitter) leading up to the next Release around what the Lord gave to me last week.  It's very powerful and I truly look forward to sharing.

In terms of checking in on this journey of prayer, I'll quickly share a miracle from last week.  It is one of those things where I look back and smack myself on the head....like why didn't I think of that earlier!!  It is really only important to our family, but that in no way diminishes what happened and we continue to enjoy the fruits of the Holy Spirit's labor on our part.

Last Sunday,  August 2nd, we were out of town and ran out of pull ups for the youngest - Ella Grace.  All we had were swim diapers.  As necessity is the mother of many things, as well as desperation, we (really I) decided to plunge cold turkey into potty training.  We've been toying with it, playing around, not truly committed (in all truth) for a couple of months, even buying big girl panties.  But not forcing the issue.

The issue forced us, so to speak.  As with a lot of things in my life, I won't really go for it until I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DO IT AND THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION.

Here we were, no pull-ups (I did go the resort gift shop and scoured it for emergency supplies, even diapers, to mitigate this potential disaster.  Full disclosure here.)  It became clear though, it was time to suck it up and go for it.  We did and the first day was pretty good.  The next 2 days were moderately successful with only 1 or 2 accidents.  But my irritation/exasperation/frustration level was starting to soar.  Why wouldn't this small child get it!?!?!?

(She will be 2 1/2 on the 21st by the way.  Yes, managing my expectation levels continues to be an area of growth for me.)

Wednesday rolls around - it's time to lead the weekly prayer meeting.  The whole time we were walking through the movements of prayer of Adoration and Admittance (we do the 4 As...our version of A.C.T.S. at the Upper Room), the verse you find in Proverbs (see 14:12 and 16:25) kept going around, rotisserie-style, in my head.  There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end leads to death.

Between that and the word "Fresh," which kept coming to me, I knew the Lord was telling me I was trying to potty-train her the wrong way.  I needed a fresh perspective to help my youngest get this thing down.  I was trying to get Ella to do what I wanted her to do and in my timing.  In my own strength, not His.  If this year (and my whole Christian walk) has taught me anything, when I struggle with something, I'm usually in my own way.  If I can just move aside, get low and let the Lord do what only He can do, things are much smoother, happier, fuller.

Ok, I got it Lord.  Now what?

As we came into the Ask movement - where we present our requests to the group to be prayed over - I humbled myself.  I asked for prayer over these talks I'm going to give but also over what to do about Ella.  It was a small group, so we just went around and laid out our requests and then I walked around, laying hands and praying over each woman (it was all women that night) present.  It was very powerful.

Then they prayed for me.  My friend Ann put her hands on my shoulder, praying through all I'd voiced.  I will never forget her saying,

"Lord, we know this is all in Your timing, but if You could just help Ella to get it, right now, we would really appreciate it."  

We all giggled at that, several of us being mothers, familiar with the trials of potty-training.

A new women, as we were wrapping up asked me, "Have you prayed with her about it?  I see you praying with her before she gets on the potty, asking for help."

DUH.

That was the 2x4 to the back of the head, the fresh perspective, the RIGHT way, to go about this.  Seriously, Amy, get it together!  The next morning, when she called for me, we prayed before she got out of bed.  And she went potty....on the potty!  We said, "Thank you Jesus!"  We prayed 2 more times that day and it became clear, Ella had indeed gotten this.

Ella was potty-trained and we haven't had an accident since.  After the 2nd time we prayed, she started telling me she had to go when she had to go.  In fact as I was writing this post, she ran in here, told me she had to go and as she finished yelled, "I DID IT!" (as she every time now.) 

Just like that, the Lord not only removed my frustration as I obeyed Him by doing it His (right) way, He opened up Ella's little body-mind-bladder connection.  She is a big girl, thanks to Jesus' help.  Truly, He is an ever-present help in time of trouble.  No matter big or small your trouble is, He is the answer.  And I am very, very, very grateful!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 27

Have you ever read something in Scripture, but never fully, truly believed it?

Have you ever, for years, wished for something to be true but it never rang that way inside your soul?

Have you ever looked in the mirror, knowing God loves you but never deep down, felt it?

Yeah, me too.

Nothing about praying a lot or leading people in prayer or knowing the Bible really well or consistently hearing from the Lord or having a deep well of hope, purpose and meaning completely erased this nagging sense of doubt in my mind and heart.  When I would read the verses about being dearly loved, treasured, purified, whole, beautiful in the Bible, I didn't completely accept it for myself.  I'm being as blatantly honest as I can.  I've been journaling for weeks now about how I knew the Lord wanted to rid me of these deep-seated insecurities.  It's been a good 4 months of full consciousness of this nonsense (for I've known it was nonsense for the last 11 years since I came back to Christ).  But still, my thoughts about myself never quite matched God's thoughts about me.

It wasn't just that, though, either.  My thoughts about who I was never quite lined up with anyone else's thoughts either.  That's why I have always been uncomfortable when people compliment me -  on anything.  I am literally struck dumb and my response comes out feeling painfully awkward and inadequate.

That's the word - inadequate.  For most of my life, on and off, I have felt I'm in no way up to the task - whatever that task is.  That's spilled over into my perception of my physical self too.  (I know I've written about this before, even last week.  See, it's been on my mind for a long, long, long time).  Culture grossly inflates the idea that you aren't good enough and then add in the efforts of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy....well, I just didn't believe what others said.

I've had moments of fleeting freedom.  Multiple times, I set my face like a flint against this insecurity but it never lasted more than a few days.  I knew the end of it was coming, though.  I've witnessed and participated in too many miraculous works of God lately to think He wasn't going to set me free from this.  I just had to wait on the right time, when everything was lined up in His order. In our Wednesday night regular prayer meeting, it was.  

It didn't start that way, for the first 45 minutes, I was leading the prayers.  But it ended with me on the floor being prayed over...and stuff getting prayed out.  It was a most holy and interesting experience.  I'm tempted to get on my face now, I am still so humbled by it.  Thanks to the gifted and Holy Spirit-led ministrations of 9 friends family members, all that insecurity, all that inadequate feeling was removed from my soul and body.  I didn't thrash around, I never lost control of my mental facilities - I was a willing and able participant.  I contributed to the process because I knew it was time for all this double-mindedness to go.

For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind...For being as he is a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), he is unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything he thinks, feels, decides.

The Apostle James wrote that in the first part of his letter (James 1:6,8).  It describes who I was when I thought about myself.  40 years of hesitating, dubious, uncertain thinking about agreeing with God about me was healed.  It was really a miracle hour for me, a long time in coming.  Even (and especially) church leaders need to be prayed for and poured into.

This is not the end of the story - I still have to walk this truth out.  I have to stand firm against the wiles, tricks, illusions, imaginations of the enemy, the influence of the world and even when my own negative self talk rears its ugly head.  I have to remember to walk down a brand-new neurological path.  I can't go on auto-pilot down the same-old worn trail of self-doubt.  I have to remember the word the Lord left with me after that intense session was "Today you will be with Me in paradise."  The real truth of it is, I'm already there but not yet completely.  It's the now-not yet principle of eternal life in Christ.

(Read what I have to say about that idea here.)

The difference now verses before prayer on Wednesday is: the hole that was filled with insecurity and doubt is now filled with truth and faith.  I am secure in Him and I believe it.  I am not perfect and I am indeed more dependent on Him than ever.  But real freedom comes from dependence and obedience.  I can actually point to the area of my body where all those ugly feelings and thoughts were housed and know that place is now cleansed and cleared.

It really was a miracle.  That's the currency God deals in if you let Him.  He doesn't want His children to suffer, especially under the weight of any other yoke than His.  Every burden we would put on our own shoulders (or others have put on us) is too heavy.  Ella says that now when she tries to pick up a basket or bag.  She tries, puts it back down and looks at me.  She says, "Too heavy Mama."

We need to look at our Heavenly Father and say the same.  

I finally put this burden down.  I know and believe the truth of who I am....and when you know the Truth, you are free indeed.

2015: The Year of Prayer, Week 26

If you went to church with me last week, you might have seen me trying hard not to come apart during this song. Never heard it before but sometimes, the Lord comes upon me unexpectedly like that.  When that happens, your very spirit shifts.  Like tectonic plates moving around, an earthquake happens - in your soul, mind, body and ultimately in your life.

This song is called "Good Good Father" by Housefires.  I've listened to it about 49 times (that's 7 times per day if anyone is counting) in the last week.  To the point where my husband, every time he sees me with my earbuds in and tears streaming down my face says, "You are listening to that song again."

Deep within me I have been unsettled for most, if not all, of my life.  I've struggled against insecurity in every imaginable way.  It drove to me success in business but that's not a good thing I realize now.  Over two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and had enough of insecurity - especially about the way I look - running roughshod over my heart and mind.  I just got sick of living from that place anymore...by myself.  I don't want to think badly of myself or steel myself as I go to look in the mirror.  I want to see and feel the connection to how others see me.  My body image issues are only just a symptom of a much deeper problem: I don't love what God created....me.

Yet, that is the core of this song.  It is the crux of our new life in Christ.  It is what the Apostle Paul was saying in Romans 8 (I think I need to memorize the whole chapter): Don't live the old way.  Live the new way, bought with a price and it lasts forever.  Please God, not just yourself or anyone else.

One of the things that struck me as I've listened to this song so much is......this must be what Jesus' prayer time was all about.  You read over and over and over again that He often escaped the crowds and His Disciples to go off to "lonely places" and pray.  (That's probably from the King James version).  And I've always wondered.....

What did Jesus pray about when it was just Him and His Abba?

Jesus came to meet His Father to remember Who He was and to be Beloved.  The world, even His closest friends, ran roughshod over His heart and mind too.  So, when it was just the two of them, Father and Son, I have no doubt it was not just face-to-face like Moses.  There had to be a deeper connection.  To me, Jesus' personal "quiet time" as we like to call it had to have been the most contemplative heart prayer ever.  I believe it was the real-time, whole-self integration of Him and God.  When I listen to this song....it defines for me Jesus' personal prayer life....and I realized this week it can be my personal prayer life too.

Jesus prayed all kinds of prayers - He is our model for prayer after all.  And I lead a church prayer ministry, which is continuing to grow and expand.  I pray often for others and with all different types of prayers.  But more and more, in my own early morning time, it is VERY contemplative.  Sometimes so much centering is going on, I fall asleep...till I hear someone else wake up (then sort of scramble to look like I was "in prayer" and not just knocked out.)

(Come to think of it, I wonder if that time when Jesus was asleep on the boat during that really bad storm was after some centering/contemplative prayer....I look forward to asking Him about that someday.....among many other things!!)

My guess is Jesus needed this prayer time as much as I do because it is the only way to recharge after pouring out.  And He lived perfectly!  I don't.....AT ALL. I love the way Paul describes it in another letter,

 For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim or blurred reflection of reality as in a riddle or enigma, but then, when the perfection comes, we shall see in reality and face to face!  Now I know in part (imperfectly) but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood, by God. (1 Cor 13:12)

We know imperfectly, in part, incompletely.  During this year of prayer, I keep coming face to face with that fact nearly every week (if not every day).  There are major limiters to my knowledge, gifting, love and ability.  Yet God, Who is Perfect Now, knows me perfectly now.  There is no shortage in His knowledge, even though there is shortage in mine.  I believe that better than anyone else ever has, Jesus lived from this place, when He walked the earth, of being fully known and loved by God.  And I've been living from my short-hand knowledge, not the fully, free-flowing script of God's love.  All my attention has been on how I come up short, not the completeness of the God I serve.

But no longer.  I no longer choose to live from the place of my lack.  I don't want to pray in a grasping, unsure way.  I want to rest and let it flow as it comes - whether that is in word, song or just silence.  What keeps getting me though is that God's love is perfect....all of His Ways are perfect.  And His perfect love loves us completely even when we are completely imperfect!

It's love so undeniable I can hardly speak.
It's peace so unexplainable I can hardly think.
As you call me....deeper still.
Into love...love...love..

Courtesy of Rev Christian Washington

Some folks turn their noses up at contemplative prayer practices, saying they are only about the individual.  I agree when contemplation doesn't turn into conversion, conviction or connection with others.  I think Jesus went to those lonely places in His heart where He could open Himself up and let all the weights, cares and burdens of being the Messiah fall away - and as they fell, He was fully restored and empowered to live His mission.  It was after that communion He could walk with such power, forgiveness, strength and humility.  He could do the Father's work because He had the Father's heart - for Himself and others.  Such is the place I want to learn to live from.....that I'm starting to learn to live from.  Soaking up the goodness of my Good Good Father and going back to that well whenever the need arises.

What if we all started to live from that place? 

You are a Good Good Father...
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You....
It's who I am.

It's a revolutionary thought.  If we stopped trying to do what Jesus did, never quite measuring up and rest in being fully known....then we could really let Him work through us.  It wouldn't be hard, stuff would just happen.  It's promised that way.

You are perfect in all of Your ways....to us.

#PrayforCharleston

I was at a prayer meeting last night.  When I read about what happened in Charleston, a chill went down my spine.  It was happening at the same time 12 of us were praying in the Upper Room at Chapelwood.

I'm not a harbinger of doom, as I don't believe in putting that out there.  I don't know if these are "the birth pangs" before the tribulation or just a terrible, random, act of a man possessed by something evil - himself or otherwise.

But as my friend Cherri and I prayed together and she told me about her connection to the church in Charleston (where she lived for 4 years) - it hit me: what is going on in our church, city and nation is going to continue to meet resistance and it might escalate.  The Revival that is taking place - and has been building for some years - will not go unchallenged.

My heart aches for this church and the families who lost loved ones in such a grisly manner.  My heart aches because they were my family too.  We are blood relations because we shared the Blood of Christ (a mystery of our faith).  Yet, I rejoice in the fact they are home now.  They are now safe, wrapped in white robes and crowned with righteousness.  It is another, difficult mystery of our faith - to be so sad, yet able to not be in despair when we look (any type of) death in the face.  Because I share the same faith and hope they did, there is no longer a sting to death, even if it hurts very much.

I don't know how Body of Christ in Charleston will come back from this but I predict it will be spectacular.  Everything I'm hearing coming out by the public officials and speakers is centered on rebuilding in love.  They will know we are Christians by our love - even especially our love for our enemies.  In the coming weeks, months and years, I pray the Lord will take this event and make it so people will focus on the truth of the Gospel, what they have in common, not what they don't.  Forgiveness makes a way where nothing else will, so I ask the Lord to guide that city and His Church down the narrow road, the more excellent way so His glory will be shown through His people in ridiculously miraculous ways.

I pray for that young man.  I pray he is caught and I also pray for mercy.  He will face the consequences of his actions because the Lord has instituted authority on this earth and there is music to be faced.  But I pray for the Lord to help him, for his soul to be saved and his life to be one of transformation.  I pray those affected by his violence will forgive him.  I pray those heaping coals will drive him to his face before Holy God and he will find salvation and peace.

I also pray this will embolden Christians everywhere across the nation to stand up IN LOVE.  I pray this will galvanize the Body of Christ to preach, teach, baptize, heal, exorcise and serve just as Jesus did.  I pray we will see the need to take our calling, our mission seriously and GET TO IT.  Time is of the essence, whether Jesus comes back in our lifetime or not.

There are no easy answers here.  I do not claim to have any.

But I know the weapons of our warfare.  They are: 

• love
• truth
• joy
• hope
• peace
• patience
• kindness
• goodness
• gentleness
• faithfulness
• self-control
• mercy
• graciousness
• life-giving speech
• forgiveness
• trust
• prayer
• praise
• worship
• service
• giving
• witness
• testimony

We need everybody.  We have room for everybody.  Everyone is called and will be equipped for their part in what the Lord is doing right now.

Pray for Charleston.  Pray for the Body of Christ.  Pray for your neighbor.  Pray.  Hosanna in the Highest - MARANATHA, COME QUICKLY LORD!

Write this to Smyrna, to the Angel of the church. The Beginning and Ending, the First and Final One, the Once Dead and Then Come Alive, speaks:  

I can see your pain and poverty—constant pain, dire poverty—but I also see your wealth. And I hear the lie in the claims of those who pretend to be good Jews, who in fact belong to Satan’s crowd. Fear nothing in the things you’re about to suffer—but stay on guard! Fear nothing! The Devil is about to throw you in jail for a time of testing—ten days. It won’t last forever.  Don’t quit, even if it costs you your life. Stay there believing. I have a Life-Crown sized and ready for you. Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches. Christ-conquerors are safe from Devil-death. (Revelation 2:8-11, MSG)

God appeared to Solomon that very night and said,  

I accept your prayer; yes, I have chosen this place as a temple for sacrifice, a house of worship. If I ever shut off the supply of rain from the skies or order the locusts to eat the crops or send a plague on my people, and my people, my God-defined people, respond by humbling themselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning their backs on their wicked lives, I’ll be there ready for you: I’ll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health. From now on I’m alert day and night to the prayers offered at this place. Believe me, I’ve chosen and sanctified this Temple that you have built: My Name is stamped on it forever; my eyes are on it and my heart in it always. (2 Chron 7:12-16, MSG)

A Surrender Prayer - In Case You Need It

A friend of mine, who only 6 or so weeks ago, was delivered in our Wednesday night "after party" prayer meeting from 28 years of bitterness into fullness of the Spirit, gave me some good advice on Wednesday night.  She asked me if I write down my prayers.  Not typically, I told her.  She encouraged me to start and that thought stuck with me.  As I was praying on Friday morning, I felt led to write down just what I was praying.  I was surrendering my day to the Lord - my time, effort and energy.  I hadn't done that for a few days, as I've been off my "regular" routine since school let out. 

This prayer was the result and I'm surprised at the ground it covers.  (That's how I know the Spirit was the One doing the talking.  I'm not this detailed, friends!)  As Natalie would say, it's a long prayer.  (I'm not sure I really pray anything but long prayers in her mind.)  Whether you pray this prayer, parts of it or come up with your own, whether the prayers are long or short, doesn't matter.  Praying is the main thing.

I do like to visualize my prayers this way: as if I'm putting a gift box with a need or a name in it, directly into the Lord's hands; for Him to open and He always does, delighted to receive them.  I like to think truly humble prayers make God feel like a kid on Christmas morning.

Any way you slice it, I hope this prayer blesses you, as the process of creating it and this post has me!  And I hope it moves you closer to the heart of God.

Oh Great and Mighty King, You reign and rule over all - missing nothing.  You see and You hear.  You respond.  Not just for Your people but especially for Your people, Your children.  Your great desire is that all men be saved, not that they perish.  Condemnation is not part of Your personality.  Goodness, mercy, grace and love are the currencies You deal in; and You do not give us what our sins deserve.  When we call to You, You redeemed, restore, remove, revoke and release.

Forgive me, forgive Your people - especially those who have chosen You.  We are faulty and defective - not 100% surrendered, submitted and wholly given over to Your Spirit's rule.  We travel paths not laid by You, still pursuing the crooked way over the straight and narrow.  We lean heavily into our 5 senses - even too far into our own spiritual understanding and experience.  We think we know much and what we do know - we over think.  We act before seeking You, if we seek You in the first place.  Forgive me - forgive us - Oh Gentle Father!  Abba - help because without You we are surely lost and in the dark.

But the new DNA of faith You have given rises up in me to say - I AM FORGIVEN.  I AM REDEEMED.  I AM IMPERFECT BUT YOUR PERFECTION GROWS IN ME.

Your righteousness is what I seek.  I come before You again to be reset to the rhythm of Your song - to clear out the noise of the beat of my own drum.  You are loving and kind - long suffering and the author of truth.  Your love endures forever!  Pour out Your love on me right now - I invite and open the door of my heart - welcoming in Your Presence and all that comes with it: Your character; wisdom and knowledge; Your gifts, plans and purposes.  Let Your kingdom advance in my heart, mind, soul strength and circumstances today.  

I submit no longer to the guilt, shame, fear, pride, anger, despair and insecurity of what I have done or not done.  I renounce my claim on what has been down or should have been done to me or for me.  I forgive all that has not been done for me.  I ask for the covering of Your blood, to seal me secure in the armor of Your: salvation, truth, peace, joy, righteousness, faith and Word.

As I sit in Your Presence - I believe I also sit with You in heaven.  My place is above and not below.  It is not in the middle or unstable.  I sit secure, firm and higher than the effect, institutions, principalities and kingdoms of myself or this world.  I submit to only One right now - You, my Lord, my God and my Savior.

All I am - all I have been - all I will be is Yours, however much or little that amounts to and I decide right now - what it looks like to me or to others doesn't matter. What matters is what YOu have, are and will do with me and my life.  You desire wholeness, fullness, abundance.  You don't want to mess around when it comes to Your children.  You see the condition I am in now - parts reflect Your glory but not every part - still, You take me as I am and change me for the better.

I humbly and boldly ask You, Holy Spirit:
where I have sinned, forgive;
where I am broken, mend;
where I am sick, heal;
where I am in doubt, fill with faith;
where I lack understanding, teach;
where I hurt, comfort;
where relationships are strained, ease;
where I am lacking, provide;
where I am lazy, inflame me with passion;
where I am weak, strengthen;
where I can't find time, make it;
where things don't connect with Your truth, reveal;
where there is a thought pattern or habit that holds me back, make it right;
where I judge others, fill with mercy;
where I grieve and mourn, weep with me;
where I am behind, move me ahead;
where I am small, be big;
where I lack trust, pour on Your grace;

Lord, I don't want to stop or end there.  These are all things I need but I want to give back to You.  I praise You for all You are, calling out Your names in the faith I have, the faith You have given me.  I exalt the work of Your Hands because it brings You glory.

Where things are good, I lift my thanks to Your Holy Throne;
where You have answered my prayer, I am full of gratitude to Your Hand;
where there is righteousness in my life, my heart soars to You;
where there is fellowship, I praise Your Presence;
where there is creativity, I acknowledge Your work;
where there is healing, I see Your favor rests;
where there is goodness, I recognize it as a gift from You;
where there is prayer, worship, study, giving, service and witness - it is a response to Your love for me.

I give all of this to You, Lord.  It's my sacrifice, privilege and opportunity to go deeper with You.  There is no lack in You - every promise is Yes - so I say, "It is so (Amen)." I can do all things through Christ but only in Christ.  Thank You, Lord for this time with You.  Thank You for another chance to know You, be known by You.  Thank You for the renewal of the right spirit - Your Spirit - within me.  Thank You that I am a part of Your broken but redeemed people - and that's what You prefer: all of Your children moving every day into more wholeness by the power of Your Spirit; to advance Your works - even greater works - to move the reality of Your Kingdom forward.  

Jesus - You Rule and Reign.  Holy Spirit - You have command and control of me and my life.  Show me the evidence of Your overflow and grant me new understanding of Your truth.  I give it all back to You - always for Your glory.

--------------------------------In Jesus' Matchless Name, Amen.

Come Into The Light

When your sins weigh heavy upon you, come to Me....Man's tendency is to hide from his sin, seeking refuge in the darkness...But I am the Light of the world, and my illumination decimates darkness. - Jesus Calling, May 20th Entry, Sarah Young

As a writer, I sometimes have holy jealousy when someone writes something so moving.  When I read this entry, what stood out of me was that word decimate.  So often I think darkness is part of me, it lives and breathes around me.  I spent many of the first 10 years of my life of faith "fighting" the darkness - my flesh, the world and, of course, the enemy. 

There is absolutely a time and place for that.  I still have to confront those dark corners and spaces of my soul that are not surrendered to the Lord.

Yet what Sarah Young wrote here is the absolute truth.  God's light decimates the darkness, of us, the world and the evil.  Darkness can't overcome light....not even close.  Jesus calls Himself the Light of the world in John 8:12, so I opened that chapter and started reading.  I was reading from The Living Picture Bible, which I actually bought for my girls.  The language is really good, and it is in story form so I can read without getting distracted by verse numbers.

This chapter is especially meaningful because it starts with the redemption of a wayward, broken woman.  I can identify with that in more than a few ways but the clincher for me is (always) verse 9-11:

And the Jewish leaders slipped away one by one, until only Jesus was left in front of the crowd with the woman.  Then Jesus stood up again and said to her, "Where are your accusers?  Didn't even one of them condemn you?"  "No sir," she said.  And Jesus said, 

Neither do I.  Go and sin no more.

Well, I tell you, I sat on my couch and bawled.  I have tears in my eyes now reading it again.  It never ceases to floor me that the One who had every right to condemn this woman for her sins.....to condemn me for my sins...did not.  HE IS NOT THE ACCUSER.  We don't have to fight darkness and condemnation because He has already won the battle.  Through Christ's victory on the Cross, proved by the Resurrection, there is NO condemnation in Him (Romans 8:1).  It just isn't part of His DNA.  He affirms this just a few verses down, You pass judgment on me without knowing the facts.  I am not judging you now; but if I were, it would be an absolutely correct judgement in every respect, for I have with me the Father who sent me.

BUT HE ISN'T JUDGING US!!  Do you hear that???  He did not come to punish.  He doesn't come into our lives to do anything but free us.  I wrote these words in my Bible: He is the Truth-Teller.  Even when we don't want to hear it...The more we position and surrender ourselves - even (and especially) when we don't want to or don't understand - the more we listen to HIM....the more free from lies and darkness we become. 

I kept reading John 8 and Jesus hits the bottom line from verses 34-36: You are slaves of sin, every one of you.  And slaves don't have rights, but the Son has every right there is! So if the Son sets you free, you will indeed be free.

He said this because freedom, infinite amounts of it, are available to us in His way of salvation- the ongoing process of walking with His Spirit, of staying close to His Word and living fully free in His Father's grace.  When we get this twisted, it turns into control and legalism.  When humans try to re-define who Jesus is and what He said to do, people get hurt and think God wants to punish us.  You might have experienced that in church and I am terribly sorry for it.

Or maybe you have actually done something, repeatedly, that you know does not please Him (haven't we all??).  So, you run.  You hide.  We stay away because we are afraid of what He will do to us.

In those corners, those closets, those cramped hiding spots, you stay enslaved to darkness.

That is not what God the Father, Christ the Son and Redeemer the Spirit want.

Those three want you free.  They want you walking in the light of life, never walking in darkness again.  Jesus is the light of the world.  You can walk free in and with Him now and forever.

You split the sea so I could walk right through it.
You drown my fears in perfect Love.
You rescued me and I will stand and sing,
"I AM A CHILD OF GOD."

I am no longer a slave to fear.  
I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

Those are lyrics from "No Longer Slaves" by Bethel Music.  When you come out of your hiding spot, the Son sets you free to be His brother or sister.  He makes His Father your Father.  It is a miracle, but it is true.  You get a new identity.  But many in our churches don't live into that identity.

Many in our pews and chairs are still in the dark.  They have never fully stepped into the Sonlight of their new identity because the dark is all they've ever known.  It's true it might hurt to surrender.  You might have to let some habits, even relationships go. 

Think of it this way: when I've been in the house for awhile and step outside, I have to close my eyes for them to adjust.  Some days here in Houston the sky is so clear and the sun is so bright, it actually hurts my eyes when I go outside.  But that pain only lasts for a moment and I realize I'm warmer and more comfortable than I was inside.  The sun drenches me in promise and life.  Our bodies need sunlight to survive.

Our spirits, souls, minds and yes, even our physical bodies need Sonlight even more.  We have a chance every day to sunbathe in the Light of the world.  When we do, He will liberate us more and more.  We have to come out of our darkness, coming close so His lovelight can surround us as we walk this earth.

It's the only way to peace.  He is the only way to be purified, cleaned up from the inside out.

It doesn't matter if you've never said the sinner's prayer or have been a saint for 50 years.  There is an opportunity today to walk farther into the light.  Come into it.  Take the hand His offering, letting Him pull you up and into His arms.

Better yet, grab someone else's hand and let Christ pull you both close together. 

Step outside with me.  I promise the weather is fine.

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 19

How do you hear from God?

That maybe the second most asked question in the history of religion, right behind Does God exist?

It is not an unfamiliar search for the answer, either, as every new Christian has to figure out the way God speaks to them.  The key to hearing Him, though, is faith.  Believing He will speak to you.  Frankly, if you never believe He speaks or take the time to listen...He will be speaking but you will never hear Him!

The next question is: What do I do when God speaks to me?  That's an easy one: you shut up and listen....then do what He tells you (or at least begin the work of how to obey...but you should obey!)

This week has been about re-examining if I hear from God and how.  The end result is: Yes, I do hear from God and I can trust that I do.

The most common way I hear from Him is through His Word.  That is the fail-safe.  You can never, ever, ever go wrong when you read The Word!  A (good) article I found on hearing from God says this about hearing from the Lord through Scripture: In order to actually "hear" from God, we have to know some things about God's character. We have to develop an understanding of who God is, and the way he does things. Fortunately for us, all that information is available in the Bible. The Book goes into a lot of detail about how you can expect God to react, what kinds of expectations he has for us, and most specifically, how he expects us to treat other people.  (Read the article in its entirety here.)

When we know God, we will begin to discern His voice from the other influences "speaking" into us.  I've told my girls I typically know the difference between God's voice and my own not because it really SOUNDS any different but usually because the Holy Spirit tells me things I wouldn't normally think, say or do, in and of myself.

There was one situation a few years ago I went back to this week.  We were really struggling with a major life decision and I could get no peace about it in prayer.  Early one morning, I got on the treadmill in our garage.  I was running along, having this running dialogue (no pun intended) when I felt - more than heard - the question:

Do you trust Me?

Now, that is not something I would say to myself because the answer would quickly be "No."  There was something so solid in this "voice," in the question itself.  It was like 11 years ago, after being called a hypocrite, I first felt Him probing me to answer the question, "Who do you say that I am?"  Answering that question put me on my current path of faith.  It was the same voice as before - not said to make me feel bad; only asked to reveal the content of my heart.

Occasionally, God wants to reaffirm Who He is - not for His benefit but for ours.  After I picked myself up from the shock of nearly being thrown off the treadmill, I got down on my face and said, "YES, LORD.  I trust You!"  The difficulty of our circumstances was in no way changed, but my perspective was completely altered in a way that equipped me to walk in a manner worthy of my calling - namely walking full of peace and hope.

The voice of God empowers us.  It fills us with life so we can act in loving, caring ways...to do what Jesus did.  The voice of the enemy only tears us down.  You see, the enemy doesn't speak about things like trust, faith, hope, love, goodness, decency, purity, excellence.  Those are not things he wants for us!  Hello!  He is the father of lies!  So while he might lead with a little bit of the truth, you won't hear life in his words.  Evil is only about death.  The enemy and his agents make statements which leave us feeling condemned, hated, ugly, unworthy, guilty and shameful (to name a few).

This week has been another lesson of trust - trusting His voice over the voices of others.  I have had to dig in deep...lots of conversations in prayer - both voiced and silent.  It was an effort to confirm the direction I'm headed is indeed the right one.  I got shaken up and unsure.  In the first letter to the Corinthian church (which I've been reading this week) the Apostle Paul gives them an earful on how to operate in the Spirit.  Right in the middle of establishing how things should run in a church (orderly, as in, we should take turns), he writes,

...for God is not a God of confusion but of peace...(1 Cor 14:33)

If I'm walking around confused and out of whack, upset, frustrated and without a shred of peace - that's not God.  Even if the Holy Spirit has asked me to do something hard (and He has) - even when I have heartburn and can't see how this is possibly going to work out - His peace will override my flesh.  You know....that peace that surpassing all understanding?

This week was an exercise in confirmation that the Lord will never leave me.  He will not forsake me.  The truth of Isaiah 30:20-21 in full effect:  He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.

In the midst of questioning, doubts and internal wheel spinning, there has been peace at the core of me.  My own internal compass is pointed in the right direction, even when other voices were telling me it wasn't.  He primarily used His Word (as it is the most reliable source) but I experienced other ways too: His people, His Presence, circumstances, dreams and visions.

They have all been in full effect this week!

All these verses I quote, all these promises in Scripture - they aren't just for me.  They are for every believer.  The Lord wants to speak to us. Hearing from God isn't rocket science but it does require risk.  The risk is: when you ask the Lord to speak, you have to be willing to listen.  If He speaks to me, He wants to speak to you too.  I've written about how 3 times my father has heard an audible voice from God (read that here.)  I have too - once.  But 98% of the time, I hear from God by the tried and true methods I've mentioned.

(Bob Mumford has a great book on this called Take Another Look at Guidance, if you want to dig deeper.)

Walking through this challenging week in prayer has lead me back to one certainty: God does speak.  I do hear Him.  He loves me and I love Him.  I know and can trust His voice.  Lo, He is with me to the very end of the age.  (Matthew 28:20)

Hearing from God is a learned skill.  I will continue to learn but He is faithful to teach.  The struggle this week was worth it as I am more secure in what He is doing in and through me.  

My ears are open - speak, Lord, for your servant is listening!  (1 Sam 3:9)