The Last Post

I've been coming to this post for awhile.  I'm taking inventory of most everything in my life - or at least that's what my friend/counselor Pastor Andy tells me.  It's true.  When my Dad died, it shifted my foundation and I don't understand the full impact of it yet.  It's a big adjustment in uncountable ways.  Big probably isn't the most effective word to use right there, but I'm not always as eloquent as I would like to be. 

I will say it is another order of magnitude of inventory-taking from the season right after Sophia's diagnosis.  Poignantly, my Dad died the day after Sophia was given the all clear.  He got to see it.  Thank You Jesus.

After writing a blog for 7 years, I've come into agreement with God: it is time to move on.  I'm entering into a unknown season, one where I don't share everything God gives me all the time - at least not on an easily accessible public forum.  It is going to be hard for me, as I enjoy the gratification of knowing I've helped people, encouraged them in their faith and (more than a little selfishly) the praise that comes with writing a piece people like.  My love language is Words of Affirmation and when people click "like," comment, email or tell me in person they like what I wrote, it makes me feel pretty darn good, productive and.....deeply fulfilled. 

Writing is a gift God has given me, a gift that touches me at the deepest level.  There isn't anything wrong enjoying the praise that comes from being a useful tool in His hands.  It's just time to have the courage to say Yes to Him using this tool in different and new ways.  It's time to seek His approval alone for a little while.  Does that mean I won't share?

No, I'm on social media (probably too much for some folks) so I will continue to document my family's antics, adventures and the events we experience that move the Kingdom of God forward.  I'm too much of a people person to keep totally silent.

There is an element of discipline and obedience required to go deeper into what the Lord wants to do in and through me.  I've got to be taught to teach.  Also, in order to finish some of the projects He has entrusted me with and will bring to my doorstep in 2016, I need to put this down.  I know I haven't written much lately and didn't quite persevere with #2015TheYearofPrayer like I wanted.  Still, this blog occupies my mind and heart in a way that doesn't leave enough space for the work He wants me to do now.

I read this verse during my quiet time this morning - which put me in a wonder-filled mindset at the timing: For loving God means obeying his commands.  Moreover, his commands are not burdensome, because everything which has God as its Father overcomes the world.  And this is what victoriously overcomes the word: our trust.  Who is it that overcomes the world?  Only the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:3-5, CJB/NIV)

What is coming is not burdensome, just as this blog has not been so, only the opposite.  It's always been a precious outlet.  It's now time for me to take up my Cross in a little different way - to switch shoulders, if you will and trust Jesus more to carry the load.  I treasure those of you I've told about this change, who received it with grace and humility.  Thank you for letting me know how you've enjoyed reading.  I know that's only  15 of you, but still. 

We are all coming to the end of 2015 - headed into a new year, but more than that; it is a fresh start to lay down what we might have carried for too long, plans we've made that aren't producing the sweetest fruit.  It's time for us, as the People of God, to seek, without any timidity, our purposes and destiny in Christ.  We must press in to overcome the barriers and distractions of this world - to step out from behind the curtain and show the world what He has done, is doing and will do through a Church who loves Him, is learning to love itself and wants to others well.

(Not) Incidentally, a couple weeks back, the Lord gave me "my" word for 2016.  If 2015 was Prayer - 2016 is Love.  I thought that word was just for me until I spoke to my friend Wynter this morning and she got the same word!!  The Lord is setting this world up to see what His ultimate display of love really looks like in His People - His United and Unified Church.  The time is short to do it, so we have to do it NOW.

What I've always tried to do on this blog is answer the question, "What does faith look like in real life?"  So: what does God's love look when His people breath it in and out in every moment of life?

Well, the Spirit has given me 2 verses this year - one for my ministry life and one for my personal life.  The ministry one came much earlier in the year, the personal one only since my Dad's passing.  It is the personal one, Psalm 116, that gives me the idea on how to help people understand the reality of what God's love looks like:

Be at rest, once more, O my soul, 
For the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord have delivered me from death,

my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

I just have to tell my story of how good the Lord has been to me.  It's that simple.  It's all you have to do, too.

How has He been good to you?

How has He delivered you from death?

How has He dried your tears?

How has He held you up when you were about to fall?

Ironically, of course, you would think this medium would be perfect for that!  But not in the coming season.  I need to craft my story through alternative means and wait for Him to show me how to share it with the world.

I hope you've felt through these sometimes silly, sometimes desperate and sometimes searching posts that I love Jesus and I love you.  I hope You've seen His marvelous power to destroy the shade of death over the lives of my family and friends.  I hope You've seen how He is teaching me to love myself, by drying my tears over Sophia and thereby giving me permission to cry about other things - including my Dad.  I know I've felt like I've hit the concrete so hard so many times, but in reality, He cushioned, or even broke my fall - even pulling me back just in time.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you laughing and crying with me and listening to my thoughts. Thank You for serving me with your companionship.  I do hope it's made a difference in Your walk with Christ.  He is so close - He left it all to come to us and be not just WITH us, but One of us.  He knows you and He knows me.  He doesn't miss a thing and that's a very good thing.  

Don't stop seeking Him, ever.  Keep getting closer, even if it is uncomfortable or scary.  Even (and especially) when others don't get it.  He is as close as your breath but even closer - as close as the blood pumping in your veins.  I know He wants to do marvelous things through you, and me.  We are all in this together.  By trusting what He has done and how He is demonstrating it through us, we do overcome everything this world throws at us.

Keep in touch!  I will.

amysvogel@hotmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/awvogel 

https://twitter.com/amywvogel

2015 - The Year of Prayer - Catching Up

From my last post (you can read it here), you would rightly guess I consider tears as prayers at the moment.  If Jesus holds out a one-of-a-kind bottle to catch each one of our tears, that He considers them priceless - so valuable to shed His own blood (even tears of blood) - then I will consider them my glorious sacrifice.

Today is a roller coaster.  I woke up feeling great and was a little concerned I felt so good.  I knew at 10 am, my Mom, my brother and I were to meet to put the remaining pieces into my Dad's niche at St. Luke's UMC's columbarium before they seal it. 

Contents of my Dad's niche

This is where his ashes will be and my Mom will eventually be next to him (although hilariously enough, she doesn't remember if it is the right or the left side).  I even forgot to tell Dave about our meeting.  I was to visit a friend after and then have lunch with another, so I focused on the positive and frankly, felt awesome.

Then as I was driving there, I felt the lead ball form in my stomach.  It is real, it is happening and I'm going to have to deal with it.

I could feel it coming as we stood there looking at his cremains.  A small wave of tears broke on the way to my first visit.  Fortunately I was able to get a hold of a friend.  I just couldn't be alone in the car.  I'm so thankful he answered because it got me through.  I held it together until later when I nearly broke down grocery shopping.

That's when the tidal wave of grief hit me full force in the face.

I shouldn't have been driving because I was crying so hard.  In that moment, as much as I wanted to call someone, I knew it would forestall the inevitable.  I knew this pain would pass but I needed to let it in.  I had to hurt for the hurt to pass.

I am sure everyone could tell when I went into school to get Ella.  It's pretty obvious, even with the waterproof mascara I remembered to put on this morning (THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT), when I cry.  Ridiculously obvious. 


I've said a lot of popcorn prayers for folks today but mostly I just let my tears speak for themselves.  Jesus wept (John 11:35).  He knows.  I didn't feel any tangible presence of God in those moments but the fact that twice today, at my lowest, the Mercy Me song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on KSBJ, I knew He was with me.  He was reminding me where my Dad is and what he might be doing.  That speaks volumes of God's love and care for me.

Really, my prayer today is not very profound: Lord, This Just Sucks.

I know I'm a writer and a prayer warrior and supposedly this spiritual leader, so I should probably come up with something much more impactful (which my brother pointed out when I said it at the grave site).  But for this moment, it is my truth: THIS REALLY STINKS.  This is my prayer, this is what I'm living.

Everyone has moments like this, leaders are not exempted.  Everyone has those moments or days when we just put our heads in our hands and tell God - in words, thoughts or tears - how much something sucks.  Life on this fallen earth just does sometimes.  And we, in the Body of Christ, need to be available in those moments.  We need to have the openness and authenticity to stand by someone at their lowest, wrap our arms around them if possible, and just agree.  Agree it sucks and don't try and make it any better for a minute.  There will be time for that but take me at my word when I tell you, the pain has to be felt so it will subside.

I'm so glad I am surrounded by people who do that and who I can do it for.

As I posted on FaceBook this morning, I will end this day, this not-completely-but-in-a-few-ways-pretty-crappy day, being grateful.  I'll leave you with the chorus to the song I'm listening to, "Shepherd," from Amanda Cook on Bethel's You Make Me Brave Album.

You will lift my head above the mighty waves.
You are able to keep me from stumbling.
In my weakness, You are the strength that comes from within.
Good Shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on.

My Eyes Are On The Storm

There is a storm raging in and around me.

I can't help but see it.  There are so many needs, it seems everyone in my life is going through something and needing the Lord's mighty intervention.  There are winds gusting to hurricane-force in some of those situations.  There are waves crashing over the heads of my beloved ones.  The threat is real. The storm of circumstances, of trials, persecution, suffering and life in general can be overwhelming.

This morning, I began by asking for the Lord to make me of one heart and mind with Him so I could pray as He would have me this morning.  So, as I sat, I was moved to pray for protection.  I named everyone I could think of, including people I don't pray for on a regular basis.  I started with those closest to me and worked my way out.  I just let the names roll off my lips without hesitation. 

It seems protection of His faithful ones was on His mind.

This does not feel like a huge, mountain-moving prayer but I see how the enemy wants to discourage, disrupt and destroy the people of God.  He wants us to gaze into the bleakness, keep our eyes on the hail of fiery darts that he rains down on this whole earth.  Even if some of the people I'm praying for aren't very close to God, the last thing satan wants is for them to move in His direction.  The best way to do that is by distraction, and he uses whatever means to do that.

Jesus quieted the storm.  He spoke, the wind and waves obeyed.  It was His power, filtered through His love for His Father, that enabled that word - QUIET - to be effective.  Yet, I know from personal experience, He does not always speak that word into our circumstances.  The storms of life are not always quieted because we need to see the storm for what it really is.

You see, when it FEELS like chaos reigns, when it FEELS like you are about to drown....when it FEELS like this storm will never be quieted....that's when a question forms and rises to the top in your soul.

WHICH STORM ARE YOU FOCUSING ON?

There is more than one storm raging and I realized it this morning.  I was/am listening to a song that has been my anthem for over 2 weeks now; it's called Gracious Tempest by Hillsong Young and Free.  I started listening to it the week of receiving His touch of love I last wrote about.  And as I was praying simply for protection, I realized why.  We need to be protected from focusing on the wrong storm.


Surround me like an ocean.

Your love is crashing over me.
It's surging like a raging sea.
Immerse me in the wonder of Your love.

A downpour of unending grace.
Consuming all my reckless ways.
My sin submerged, Your Love has saved my soul.

Your love is like a storm.

This song presents the storms of our lives from a totally different perspective.  The poetry and anointing of it, I can not deny.  In the middle of the YouTube video, the singer reads a portion of Psalm 116.  Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

I don't know exactly what your storm looks like, and I know some are worse than others.  Yet, the challenge, as you get up to face it today, is not how to endure or survive it.  It is a choice to ask the Lord to change how you see it.  Rather than see the circumstances consuming you, look to Jesus and see His consuming love for you.  The Father doesn't go back on His promises.  He is faithful to complete what He started.

The Israelites saw a raging storm around them once.  They were the waves of salvation and deliverance, keeping them safe across the Red Sea as they escaped Egypt.  They witnessed the great love of God for them, making a path in the midst of what surely looked like a raging storm.  The Lord didn't quiet those waves, but He did hold them back.  Exodus 14 details the whole situation and it is no different in our case thousands of years later.

Nothing in heaven or earth can change who you are to God.  You are His Beloved, His treasured possession.  He longs to keep you safe, and in many ways He is doing that in ways you cannot even fathom, much less see. But you do have a choice - you can choose which storm to look at: your circumstances or God's love for you.

I know that may seem like the most impossible statement, which is why I'm praying protection over your eyes.  I'm praying they won't get pulled off the outpouring of God's grace on your life.  I'm praying He will protect your sense of direction and purpose.  I'm praying He will extend His mighty arm over you and all that seems to be swirling around you.  I'm praying you will be rescued and delivered today as your turn your eyes upon Jesus.  The things of earth grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

I hope you can take a moment today to soak in the eternal truth of this song....it has transformed the way I see my circumstances and I know it will do the same for you. 

 

2015: The Year of Prayer....I've missed a few weeks.

So, it's been awhile since I posted on this year long journey to document my life in prayer.  I just counted back and I guess this is Week 38.  It feels like an ocean of time has passed since the last time I thought to write.  I tried last week Tuesday and it didn't go very well.  I don't even really have the mental fortitude to journal.

The truth is, I hit a wall.  My Dad died.  Prayer was/is about the only thing I could/can really do "well," because the Lord is the most consistent voice in my head.  Every other input is all messed up.  My emotions are all over the place.  I'm either not hungry or starving.  My mind starts to spin on all sorts of weird ideas and there are some nights when sleep completely eludes me.

In short, things are off-kilter in my life.  I feel unbalanced and destabilized.  A good visual here is my desk....it's just a mess.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for the calls, comments, emails, texts, cards, hugs, meals and condolences we've received.  I'm not capable of taking it all in or talking to everyone, but I am so grateful...Please know that.  We have so much to do to help my Mom get organized and the details of death continue to roll along.

The reality is starting to set in.  Friday it hit me hard.  I took some notes in the middle of my anguish (in the middle of the night) and to look at them is painful.  I don't include them because they are too personal and intimate, and would be at the very least, awkward for you.  It is a painful place we are in.  Saturday hit still harder when, in starting to clean out Dad's office, I found a file with my initials on it.  There were a few letters in there, one from in the last five years that starts, "Dad, our pastor encouraged us to write a note to the people in your life that mean the most to you....."

That's as far as I got.

In the middle of this mess is a life still to be cared for.  Something is pushing me through.  It's being a a wife and a mom, even if the person in those roles is a little nutty in certain moments.  It's being a daughter and a sister.  It's being a prayer warrior and friend.  It is who I am to just keep going but I'm pretty dang tired of going. 

We are still being held, kept close to the side of our Shepherd-Father-Comforter.  He is ever-present.

My spirit/soul/mind and body have been craving The Word, so I went and bought myself a couple of Bibles last week (which is crazy because I already have a lot but I figure it's a good investment).  One of them is a One Year Bible and part of this morning's entry, Psalm 77, really encapsulates how I feel.  The Psalms, I believe, were inspired, written and included because the Lord wants us to know He created, understands and gets the range of human emotion.  Bonus for me, this was written by Asaph, my personal favorite Psalm writer (although David is pretty good too.)  I like Asaph because he usually echos my voice as a person and a writer.  Asaph writes what I think.

We have a long way to go but we have a God who specializes in being in it for the long-haul.  Thank you for your prayers, keep them coming.  My Mom, my brother, myself and our families need them now that the dust is settling and the real work of grieving begins.  Love you.  Hug, Friend.

 Psalm 77 - For Jeduthun. Of Asaph.
 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.  When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.  I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. Selah.

You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.  I thought about the former days , the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.  My heart mused and my spirit inquired: "Will the Lord reject forever?  Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful?  Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Selah.

Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."  I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.  Your ways, O God, are hold.  What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.

The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.  The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.  Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.  Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.  You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

My Dad

This is a whiplash week.  That's the only way I can describe it.  Freedom came Tuesday.  Heartbreak (again) broke down the door on Wednesday morning.  My Dad, my wonderful father, got called home late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning.  We aren't sure exactly what the cause of death was, but we know one thing: The Lord made it so peaceful.  There was no fight, no tremor, no trauma.  It is literally like the Lord said, "David, it's time."

And he said, "Ok!"

That's the way it should be.  When the Lord calls, there should be no regrets about saying goodbye.  There should be no looking back like Lot's wife.  There should be no trying to hold up your finger to just take a second to tell the ones you love you will see them later.  We should live that way now and my Dad did that pretty well.

The living deal with the emptiness.  The living deal with being left behind and the gaping hole that is created by absence.  I'm not angry with God.  I know how He works and I know it was time for my Dad to go.  I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO, and I wouldn't have picked this kind of exit, or at this time, but my God knows better.  He could have taken him 15 years ago when he had an aneurysm but the Good Lord gave him more time to teach us how to live and be and have faith.  I just wish I could have said goodbye.  Or had the chance to love on him a little more.

Today, I wrote his obituary.  Something I never thought in my wildest I would ever do.  I guess that legitimizes my standing in the family as a writer.  I texted 2 friends after I wrote it that I felt like I was going to throw up.  I've gotten that feeling a few times in the last 54 hours.

Thank you to all who've called, texted, emailed, cooked and delivered food, asked after us and been with us in our as-yet-unprocessed-grief.

I've been here (sort-of) before, so I can ask for prayers.  Pray for our strength next Wednesday.  I pray for my Mom past the busyness of next Wednesday.  There is so much still to do, to handle, to process. It takes so long to move on.  We have to figure out a "new normal" again.  Yet, this time without the patriarch.  He was kind, generous, faithful and gracious.  He taught my brother and I to be that way too.  We are who we are because of who our Dad was.  And our children carry on that legacy, just as they will tell stories of him to their children.

We have 1,000 generations of blessing coming.

As I've said several times this week as his body has passed, Bye Dad.  I love you.  I will miss you terribly.  You were such a good Dad.  I'll see you soon.

********************************************************************************

(Here's the obituary I wrote which will be in the Chronicle and various church publications soon.) 

On Wednesday, September 16, 2015, David Warren Wakefield, treasured husband, father and grandfather, passed away peacefully in his sleep.  He is survived by his wife of 48 years, Carole, his son Craig, daughter and son-in-law Amy and David Vogel and his beloved 5 granddaughters: Madison, 16, Ryan, 12, Natalie, 11, Sophia, 9 and Ella Grace, 2.  

David was a man of great integrity, wisdom, generosity and humor.  He made an impact on all who met him, with his ideas, jokes and profound intelligence.  He graduated from Georgia Tech University in 1967.  He entered the Navy as a Lieutenant and served as a Naval Aviator from 1967-1971. 

He ran several successful companies; all in the Power Generation and Process Industry and his knowledge of this business cannot be duplicated.  His reputation for fair-mindedness and gracious conduct is felt by all who worked with and for him.  While business was his focus, family was his life.  He loved his wife, his children and was enormously proud of all of his granddaughters.  He saw the blessing and gift they were to his life and, just like with his children, he was a committed presence in their lives.

He was also a man of deep faith, especially in his time as a member of St. Luke’s United Methodist.  He always wore a gold Number One pin on his collar.  When he was asked about it, he simply said, “It reminds me to keep the Lord first.”  He taught so many the meaning of a well-lived life, how to have fun here and now and the importance of living in light of eternity.  He will be greatly missed and loving remembered.

A Memorial service is being held on Wednesday, September 23^rd, 2015 at 10 am at St. Luke’s United Methodist Church.  In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made to St. Luke’s United Methodist Church (Building Fund in the memo, www.stlukesmethodist.org under “giving.”) or PKD Foundation, www.pkdcure.org.

Team Sophia: 5 Years Later (Almost)

It's been 59 months and 26 days since that Sunday in October 2010 when Sophia walked in the living room of our rent house, where I was working at my "desk," (which was a TV tray at the time).  She was looking down her nose at me which struck me as weird.  I asked her why she was looking at me that way.

"Because I see two of you."

Right then, a tornado siren went off in my heart.  I'd just taken her that morning to an urgent care clinic because of the swelling of her left eye.  They told me she had pink eye.  I knew that wasn't right as this was my 2nd child and we'd all had pink eye before at that point.  What she had did NOT look like pink eye to me.  That was the last time I didn't argue ask well-thought out questions of a doctor when I thought they were not 100% in their diagnosis.

I told Dave what she said.  Immediately, we packed up to go to the ER and called my parents to drop newly-minted 7 year old Natalie on the way.  It was about 5 pm on Sunday evening.  After that fateful moment, our lives were never the same.

5 1/2 hours later, as I laid there on the ER room gurney with Sophia asleep in my arms, I did what most parents would do in an ER.  I prayed.  In what I now know to be a moment of Holy Spirit inspired prayer, I told the Lord I would praise Him no matter.  And I distinctly remember saying out loud, I will praise You, Lord.  Even if this is cancer.

After I uttered those words, there was no audible voice from God, no angelic messenger; absolutely nothing dramatic or supernatural occurred.  Sophia didn't twitch and I didn't feel the Spirit rise up in me.  It was just.....peace.  Not completely silent (hospitals never are) but like someone had thrown a blanket over us.  It was warm and safe and quiet.  That was the moment, I think, when the Lord stretched out His wings over us (Psalm 91:1,4) and I believe we've never left His side.

This picture is from the morning she got her port-a-cath put in, less than 2 weeks later.  I love this picture because that was my baby....that's what she looked like at 4 years old before cancer and chemo.

She's not here to complain and tell me "STOP CRYING!"  Apparently I do that more than she likes.  I apologize, but say her mother gets emotional and when that happens, my eyes leak.  They are really leaking now as I sit here writing this post.  It's not out of pain or despair or woundedness.  The Lord healed me of all that 2 years ago.  It's when I think about what's happened to us in the last 5 years....all the people who prayed for us....all the people who made meals....sent cards...stood by us....commented on Facebook and even read the open-ended journal this blog became....that's really what makes me cry.  Thank you is not enough, but I'll say it anyway....THANK YOU.

Then, I think about all the people who never knew us in that season, including our current church family (some just finding out last week Sophia had cancer!)  They only know "us" now, not the "us" from then.  But we wouldn't be who we are now without Sophia's ordeal...really our family's ordeal.

We are at the finish line now.  The last scans of her protocol/treatment plan happened Friday afternoon and this picture was taken right after.  I love this picture because it is fully Sophia, proud to be 9 and happy to be finished.  Tomorrow morning, we meet with her oncologist for what will surely be the very last time.  She will transfer us to the long-term care clinic at Texas Children's and Dr. Jodi Muscal will "retire" as Sophia's doctor.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being emotional at the end of the journey.

And I am.  I am emotional because we are so blessed.  Not just because she is completely healthy with no side effects AT ALL.  I can't express my gratitude to God for making her total healing a reality.  It is too much for me to express all He has done for us, all He has given us, all He continues to do in our lives.  It is obscenely extravagant and we are not worthy of it.

Theologically speaking, I know we are worthy because of Christ but that doesn't keep me from being totally humbled by that reality.  I live in that victory every day.  I operate, pray and minister out of that confidence I posted about yesterday (read that here).  But as me speaking to you, it is too much goodness given to just 4 regular people....now 5.  Yet HE STILL GAVE IT.

I don't know who that is for, who that encourages...to know that if God will give us all this, He will most certainly give you the same portion, or more.  I know He will.  

We will continue to care and serve and pray and believe for those fighting cancer.  I still do comfort kits (read about those here).  We will again pray-walk the road between MD Anderson and Texas Children's on Saturday, February 13th, 2016 (MAKE PLANS NOW TO JOIN US!)  We will have t-shirts made this time because I have a feeling because we sowed the seed this year, there is a harvest of people coming to pray in the reality of those hospitals becoming places of healing, not treatment.  

The back of our Team Sophia shirts quoted Galatians 6:9-10: Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the right time, you will reap a harvest.  I can say it has been a harvest all along.  We say the same thing in the cancer world: N.E.G.U.  We will never, ever give up till a cure is found - whether that is Jesus' 2nd coming or a medical miracle.  Either way, we are here to fight the evil-sent disease of cancer and the suffering it causes, with supernatural and natural means.  Jesus teaches us how to do that and He also teaches us healing is possible.

Sophia, our whole family is a great example of what He can do, with only a willing heart.  

Just keep showing us the way, Lord.  Thank You for always doing so.  Send us the cure for cancer and comfort those afflicted, Gracious God.  Raise up Your people to help in every creative way You can think of, Holy Spirit.  Bring more of Your Kingdom to earth, in Jesus' Name.

2015: The Year of Prayer, Week 26

If you went to church with me last week, you might have seen me trying hard not to come apart during this song. Never heard it before but sometimes, the Lord comes upon me unexpectedly like that.  When that happens, your very spirit shifts.  Like tectonic plates moving around, an earthquake happens - in your soul, mind, body and ultimately in your life.

This song is called "Good Good Father" by Housefires.  I've listened to it about 49 times (that's 7 times per day if anyone is counting) in the last week.  To the point where my husband, every time he sees me with my earbuds in and tears streaming down my face says, "You are listening to that song again."

Deep within me I have been unsettled for most, if not all, of my life.  I've struggled against insecurity in every imaginable way.  It drove to me success in business but that's not a good thing I realize now.  Over two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and had enough of insecurity - especially about the way I look - running roughshod over my heart and mind.  I just got sick of living from that place anymore...by myself.  I don't want to think badly of myself or steel myself as I go to look in the mirror.  I want to see and feel the connection to how others see me.  My body image issues are only just a symptom of a much deeper problem: I don't love what God created....me.

Yet, that is the core of this song.  It is the crux of our new life in Christ.  It is what the Apostle Paul was saying in Romans 8 (I think I need to memorize the whole chapter): Don't live the old way.  Live the new way, bought with a price and it lasts forever.  Please God, not just yourself or anyone else.

One of the things that struck me as I've listened to this song so much is......this must be what Jesus' prayer time was all about.  You read over and over and over again that He often escaped the crowds and His Disciples to go off to "lonely places" and pray.  (That's probably from the King James version).  And I've always wondered.....

What did Jesus pray about when it was just Him and His Abba?

Jesus came to meet His Father to remember Who He was and to be Beloved.  The world, even His closest friends, ran roughshod over His heart and mind too.  So, when it was just the two of them, Father and Son, I have no doubt it was not just face-to-face like Moses.  There had to be a deeper connection.  To me, Jesus' personal "quiet time" as we like to call it had to have been the most contemplative heart prayer ever.  I believe it was the real-time, whole-self integration of Him and God.  When I listen to this song....it defines for me Jesus' personal prayer life....and I realized this week it can be my personal prayer life too.

Jesus prayed all kinds of prayers - He is our model for prayer after all.  And I lead a church prayer ministry, which is continuing to grow and expand.  I pray often for others and with all different types of prayers.  But more and more, in my own early morning time, it is VERY contemplative.  Sometimes so much centering is going on, I fall asleep...till I hear someone else wake up (then sort of scramble to look like I was "in prayer" and not just knocked out.)

(Come to think of it, I wonder if that time when Jesus was asleep on the boat during that really bad storm was after some centering/contemplative prayer....I look forward to asking Him about that someday.....among many other things!!)

My guess is Jesus needed this prayer time as much as I do because it is the only way to recharge after pouring out.  And He lived perfectly!  I don't.....AT ALL. I love the way Paul describes it in another letter,

 For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim or blurred reflection of reality as in a riddle or enigma, but then, when the perfection comes, we shall see in reality and face to face!  Now I know in part (imperfectly) but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood, by God. (1 Cor 13:12)

We know imperfectly, in part, incompletely.  During this year of prayer, I keep coming face to face with that fact nearly every week (if not every day).  There are major limiters to my knowledge, gifting, love and ability.  Yet God, Who is Perfect Now, knows me perfectly now.  There is no shortage in His knowledge, even though there is shortage in mine.  I believe that better than anyone else ever has, Jesus lived from this place, when He walked the earth, of being fully known and loved by God.  And I've been living from my short-hand knowledge, not the fully, free-flowing script of God's love.  All my attention has been on how I come up short, not the completeness of the God I serve.

But no longer.  I no longer choose to live from the place of my lack.  I don't want to pray in a grasping, unsure way.  I want to rest and let it flow as it comes - whether that is in word, song or just silence.  What keeps getting me though is that God's love is perfect....all of His Ways are perfect.  And His perfect love loves us completely even when we are completely imperfect!

It's love so undeniable I can hardly speak.
It's peace so unexplainable I can hardly think.
As you call me....deeper still.
Into love...love...love..

Courtesy of Rev Christian Washington

Some folks turn their noses up at contemplative prayer practices, saying they are only about the individual.  I agree when contemplation doesn't turn into conversion, conviction or connection with others.  I think Jesus went to those lonely places in His heart where He could open Himself up and let all the weights, cares and burdens of being the Messiah fall away - and as they fell, He was fully restored and empowered to live His mission.  It was after that communion He could walk with such power, forgiveness, strength and humility.  He could do the Father's work because He had the Father's heart - for Himself and others.  Such is the place I want to learn to live from.....that I'm starting to learn to live from.  Soaking up the goodness of my Good Good Father and going back to that well whenever the need arises.

What if we all started to live from that place? 

You are a Good Good Father...
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You....
It's who I am.

It's a revolutionary thought.  If we stopped trying to do what Jesus did, never quite measuring up and rest in being fully known....then we could really let Him work through us.  It wouldn't be hard, stuff would just happen.  It's promised that way.

You are perfect in all of Your ways....to us.

#PrayforCharleston

I was at a prayer meeting last night.  When I read about what happened in Charleston, a chill went down my spine.  It was happening at the same time 12 of us were praying in the Upper Room at Chapelwood.

I'm not a harbinger of doom, as I don't believe in putting that out there.  I don't know if these are "the birth pangs" before the tribulation or just a terrible, random, act of a man possessed by something evil - himself or otherwise.

But as my friend Cherri and I prayed together and she told me about her connection to the church in Charleston (where she lived for 4 years) - it hit me: what is going on in our church, city and nation is going to continue to meet resistance and it might escalate.  The Revival that is taking place - and has been building for some years - will not go unchallenged.

My heart aches for this church and the families who lost loved ones in such a grisly manner.  My heart aches because they were my family too.  We are blood relations because we shared the Blood of Christ (a mystery of our faith).  Yet, I rejoice in the fact they are home now.  They are now safe, wrapped in white robes and crowned with righteousness.  It is another, difficult mystery of our faith - to be so sad, yet able to not be in despair when we look (any type of) death in the face.  Because I share the same faith and hope they did, there is no longer a sting to death, even if it hurts very much.

I don't know how Body of Christ in Charleston will come back from this but I predict it will be spectacular.  Everything I'm hearing coming out by the public officials and speakers is centered on rebuilding in love.  They will know we are Christians by our love - even especially our love for our enemies.  In the coming weeks, months and years, I pray the Lord will take this event and make it so people will focus on the truth of the Gospel, what they have in common, not what they don't.  Forgiveness makes a way where nothing else will, so I ask the Lord to guide that city and His Church down the narrow road, the more excellent way so His glory will be shown through His people in ridiculously miraculous ways.

I pray for that young man.  I pray he is caught and I also pray for mercy.  He will face the consequences of his actions because the Lord has instituted authority on this earth and there is music to be faced.  But I pray for the Lord to help him, for his soul to be saved and his life to be one of transformation.  I pray those affected by his violence will forgive him.  I pray those heaping coals will drive him to his face before Holy God and he will find salvation and peace.

I also pray this will embolden Christians everywhere across the nation to stand up IN LOVE.  I pray this will galvanize the Body of Christ to preach, teach, baptize, heal, exorcise and serve just as Jesus did.  I pray we will see the need to take our calling, our mission seriously and GET TO IT.  Time is of the essence, whether Jesus comes back in our lifetime or not.

There are no easy answers here.  I do not claim to have any.

But I know the weapons of our warfare.  They are: 

• love
• truth
• joy
• hope
• peace
• patience
• kindness
• goodness
• gentleness
• faithfulness
• self-control
• mercy
• graciousness
• life-giving speech
• forgiveness
• trust
• prayer
• praise
• worship
• service
• giving
• witness
• testimony

We need everybody.  We have room for everybody.  Everyone is called and will be equipped for their part in what the Lord is doing right now.

Pray for Charleston.  Pray for the Body of Christ.  Pray for your neighbor.  Pray.  Hosanna in the Highest - MARANATHA, COME QUICKLY LORD!

Write this to Smyrna, to the Angel of the church. The Beginning and Ending, the First and Final One, the Once Dead and Then Come Alive, speaks:  

I can see your pain and poverty—constant pain, dire poverty—but I also see your wealth. And I hear the lie in the claims of those who pretend to be good Jews, who in fact belong to Satan’s crowd. Fear nothing in the things you’re about to suffer—but stay on guard! Fear nothing! The Devil is about to throw you in jail for a time of testing—ten days. It won’t last forever.  Don’t quit, even if it costs you your life. Stay there believing. I have a Life-Crown sized and ready for you. Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches. Christ-conquerors are safe from Devil-death. (Revelation 2:8-11, MSG)

God appeared to Solomon that very night and said,  

I accept your prayer; yes, I have chosen this place as a temple for sacrifice, a house of worship. If I ever shut off the supply of rain from the skies or order the locusts to eat the crops or send a plague on my people, and my people, my God-defined people, respond by humbling themselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning their backs on their wicked lives, I’ll be there ready for you: I’ll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health. From now on I’m alert day and night to the prayers offered at this place. Believe me, I’ve chosen and sanctified this Temple that you have built: My Name is stamped on it forever; my eyes are on it and my heart in it always. (2 Chron 7:12-16, MSG)

Come Into The Light

When your sins weigh heavy upon you, come to Me....Man's tendency is to hide from his sin, seeking refuge in the darkness...But I am the Light of the world, and my illumination decimates darkness. - Jesus Calling, May 20th Entry, Sarah Young

As a writer, I sometimes have holy jealousy when someone writes something so moving.  When I read this entry, what stood out of me was that word decimate.  So often I think darkness is part of me, it lives and breathes around me.  I spent many of the first 10 years of my life of faith "fighting" the darkness - my flesh, the world and, of course, the enemy. 

There is absolutely a time and place for that.  I still have to confront those dark corners and spaces of my soul that are not surrendered to the Lord.

Yet what Sarah Young wrote here is the absolute truth.  God's light decimates the darkness, of us, the world and the evil.  Darkness can't overcome light....not even close.  Jesus calls Himself the Light of the world in John 8:12, so I opened that chapter and started reading.  I was reading from The Living Picture Bible, which I actually bought for my girls.  The language is really good, and it is in story form so I can read without getting distracted by verse numbers.

This chapter is especially meaningful because it starts with the redemption of a wayward, broken woman.  I can identify with that in more than a few ways but the clincher for me is (always) verse 9-11:

And the Jewish leaders slipped away one by one, until only Jesus was left in front of the crowd with the woman.  Then Jesus stood up again and said to her, "Where are your accusers?  Didn't even one of them condemn you?"  "No sir," she said.  And Jesus said, 

Neither do I.  Go and sin no more.

Well, I tell you, I sat on my couch and bawled.  I have tears in my eyes now reading it again.  It never ceases to floor me that the One who had every right to condemn this woman for her sins.....to condemn me for my sins...did not.  HE IS NOT THE ACCUSER.  We don't have to fight darkness and condemnation because He has already won the battle.  Through Christ's victory on the Cross, proved by the Resurrection, there is NO condemnation in Him (Romans 8:1).  It just isn't part of His DNA.  He affirms this just a few verses down, You pass judgment on me without knowing the facts.  I am not judging you now; but if I were, it would be an absolutely correct judgement in every respect, for I have with me the Father who sent me.

BUT HE ISN'T JUDGING US!!  Do you hear that???  He did not come to punish.  He doesn't come into our lives to do anything but free us.  I wrote these words in my Bible: He is the Truth-Teller.  Even when we don't want to hear it...The more we position and surrender ourselves - even (and especially) when we don't want to or don't understand - the more we listen to HIM....the more free from lies and darkness we become. 

I kept reading John 8 and Jesus hits the bottom line from verses 34-36: You are slaves of sin, every one of you.  And slaves don't have rights, but the Son has every right there is! So if the Son sets you free, you will indeed be free.

He said this because freedom, infinite amounts of it, are available to us in His way of salvation- the ongoing process of walking with His Spirit, of staying close to His Word and living fully free in His Father's grace.  When we get this twisted, it turns into control and legalism.  When humans try to re-define who Jesus is and what He said to do, people get hurt and think God wants to punish us.  You might have experienced that in church and I am terribly sorry for it.

Or maybe you have actually done something, repeatedly, that you know does not please Him (haven't we all??).  So, you run.  You hide.  We stay away because we are afraid of what He will do to us.

In those corners, those closets, those cramped hiding spots, you stay enslaved to darkness.

That is not what God the Father, Christ the Son and Redeemer the Spirit want.

Those three want you free.  They want you walking in the light of life, never walking in darkness again.  Jesus is the light of the world.  You can walk free in and with Him now and forever.

You split the sea so I could walk right through it.
You drown my fears in perfect Love.
You rescued me and I will stand and sing,
"I AM A CHILD OF GOD."

I am no longer a slave to fear.  
I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

Those are lyrics from "No Longer Slaves" by Bethel Music.  When you come out of your hiding spot, the Son sets you free to be His brother or sister.  He makes His Father your Father.  It is a miracle, but it is true.  You get a new identity.  But many in our churches don't live into that identity.

Many in our pews and chairs are still in the dark.  They have never fully stepped into the Sonlight of their new identity because the dark is all they've ever known.  It's true it might hurt to surrender.  You might have to let some habits, even relationships go. 

Think of it this way: when I've been in the house for awhile and step outside, I have to close my eyes for them to adjust.  Some days here in Houston the sky is so clear and the sun is so bright, it actually hurts my eyes when I go outside.  But that pain only lasts for a moment and I realize I'm warmer and more comfortable than I was inside.  The sun drenches me in promise and life.  Our bodies need sunlight to survive.

Our spirits, souls, minds and yes, even our physical bodies need Sonlight even more.  We have a chance every day to sunbathe in the Light of the world.  When we do, He will liberate us more and more.  We have to come out of our darkness, coming close so His lovelight can surround us as we walk this earth.

It's the only way to peace.  He is the only way to be purified, cleaned up from the inside out.

It doesn't matter if you've never said the sinner's prayer or have been a saint for 50 years.  There is an opportunity today to walk farther into the light.  Come into it.  Take the hand His offering, letting Him pull you up and into His arms.

Better yet, grab someone else's hand and let Christ pull you both close together. 

Step outside with me.  I promise the weather is fine.

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 19

How do you hear from God?

That maybe the second most asked question in the history of religion, right behind Does God exist?

It is not an unfamiliar search for the answer, either, as every new Christian has to figure out the way God speaks to them.  The key to hearing Him, though, is faith.  Believing He will speak to you.  Frankly, if you never believe He speaks or take the time to listen...He will be speaking but you will never hear Him!

The next question is: What do I do when God speaks to me?  That's an easy one: you shut up and listen....then do what He tells you (or at least begin the work of how to obey...but you should obey!)

This week has been about re-examining if I hear from God and how.  The end result is: Yes, I do hear from God and I can trust that I do.

The most common way I hear from Him is through His Word.  That is the fail-safe.  You can never, ever, ever go wrong when you read The Word!  A (good) article I found on hearing from God says this about hearing from the Lord through Scripture: In order to actually "hear" from God, we have to know some things about God's character. We have to develop an understanding of who God is, and the way he does things. Fortunately for us, all that information is available in the Bible. The Book goes into a lot of detail about how you can expect God to react, what kinds of expectations he has for us, and most specifically, how he expects us to treat other people.  (Read the article in its entirety here.)

When we know God, we will begin to discern His voice from the other influences "speaking" into us.  I've told my girls I typically know the difference between God's voice and my own not because it really SOUNDS any different but usually because the Holy Spirit tells me things I wouldn't normally think, say or do, in and of myself.

There was one situation a few years ago I went back to this week.  We were really struggling with a major life decision and I could get no peace about it in prayer.  Early one morning, I got on the treadmill in our garage.  I was running along, having this running dialogue (no pun intended) when I felt - more than heard - the question:

Do you trust Me?

Now, that is not something I would say to myself because the answer would quickly be "No."  There was something so solid in this "voice," in the question itself.  It was like 11 years ago, after being called a hypocrite, I first felt Him probing me to answer the question, "Who do you say that I am?"  Answering that question put me on my current path of faith.  It was the same voice as before - not said to make me feel bad; only asked to reveal the content of my heart.

Occasionally, God wants to reaffirm Who He is - not for His benefit but for ours.  After I picked myself up from the shock of nearly being thrown off the treadmill, I got down on my face and said, "YES, LORD.  I trust You!"  The difficulty of our circumstances was in no way changed, but my perspective was completely altered in a way that equipped me to walk in a manner worthy of my calling - namely walking full of peace and hope.

The voice of God empowers us.  It fills us with life so we can act in loving, caring ways...to do what Jesus did.  The voice of the enemy only tears us down.  You see, the enemy doesn't speak about things like trust, faith, hope, love, goodness, decency, purity, excellence.  Those are not things he wants for us!  Hello!  He is the father of lies!  So while he might lead with a little bit of the truth, you won't hear life in his words.  Evil is only about death.  The enemy and his agents make statements which leave us feeling condemned, hated, ugly, unworthy, guilty and shameful (to name a few).

This week has been another lesson of trust - trusting His voice over the voices of others.  I have had to dig in deep...lots of conversations in prayer - both voiced and silent.  It was an effort to confirm the direction I'm headed is indeed the right one.  I got shaken up and unsure.  In the first letter to the Corinthian church (which I've been reading this week) the Apostle Paul gives them an earful on how to operate in the Spirit.  Right in the middle of establishing how things should run in a church (orderly, as in, we should take turns), he writes,

...for God is not a God of confusion but of peace...(1 Cor 14:33)

If I'm walking around confused and out of whack, upset, frustrated and without a shred of peace - that's not God.  Even if the Holy Spirit has asked me to do something hard (and He has) - even when I have heartburn and can't see how this is possibly going to work out - His peace will override my flesh.  You know....that peace that surpassing all understanding?

This week was an exercise in confirmation that the Lord will never leave me.  He will not forsake me.  The truth of Isaiah 30:20-21 in full effect:  He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left.

In the midst of questioning, doubts and internal wheel spinning, there has been peace at the core of me.  My own internal compass is pointed in the right direction, even when other voices were telling me it wasn't.  He primarily used His Word (as it is the most reliable source) but I experienced other ways too: His people, His Presence, circumstances, dreams and visions.

They have all been in full effect this week!

All these verses I quote, all these promises in Scripture - they aren't just for me.  They are for every believer.  The Lord wants to speak to us. Hearing from God isn't rocket science but it does require risk.  The risk is: when you ask the Lord to speak, you have to be willing to listen.  If He speaks to me, He wants to speak to you too.  I've written about how 3 times my father has heard an audible voice from God (read that here.)  I have too - once.  But 98% of the time, I hear from God by the tried and true methods I've mentioned.

(Bob Mumford has a great book on this called Take Another Look at Guidance, if you want to dig deeper.)

Walking through this challenging week in prayer has lead me back to one certainty: God does speak.  I do hear Him.  He loves me and I love Him.  I know and can trust His voice.  Lo, He is with me to the very end of the age.  (Matthew 28:20)

Hearing from God is a learned skill.  I will continue to learn but He is faithful to teach.  The struggle this week was worth it as I am more secure in what He is doing in and through me.  

My ears are open - speak, Lord, for your servant is listening!  (1 Sam 3:9)

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 11

What a week.  Full of power, glory, joy and sorrow.  No middle of the road this week; just the the full cult of the Christian personality and experience.  Not to mention, spring break began, so it's been busy life+++.

Up and down.  It is the reality of life, especially when you are digging into prayer.  This week has been about 3 themes:

1. Playing chicken with the enemy is pointless.  I will always flinch unless I let Christ stand in front of me.  After facing a persistent mental struggle, on Monday night, He gave me this verse about it: "Woman, no one here condemns you.  Neither do I" (from John 8).  It was like He was saying:

Amy, you are forgiven, so stop dwelling; stop circling the loop of your sin in your head.  Stop condemning yourself.  Don't stay in the place of 'I did wrong.' You confessed so trust that My forgiveness is Absolute.  Also remember my Truth is Absolute and that is what you live by, not how you feel or even sometimes what you think about.  When you don't reject what the enemy says about you out of hand, you are playing into his hands.  I will never forsake you, I promised! And I keep my promises.  Because of that, lift your head up.  Go and sin no more because you are in Me and that will never change. 

With that kind of message, how could I help but feel? It was a restoration of mind and soul-purpose. I fell asleep Monday night with a smile on my face. Literally!  I've been doing everything (including prayer, praise, work, parenting, being a wife, laundry, driving....literally everything) with renewed excitement and vigor ever since.

2. The Lord will connect the dots, just trust and wait because it is coming before you realize it.  When I look at all the progress in my own spiritual life, as well as the life of my church, it is simply mind blowing.  In what feels like years but is really months, He is starting to make to break down walls and kindle the fire of revival in our city.  He is doing it in such a personal, loving way.  It is almost like He has us in the nursery, caring for us like a mother of a baby.  One day soon, we will be invited into a "Big Kid Room" but until then, our job is to explore, to play, to learn about Him and His goodness.  He has to prepare all of us, His timing is perfect, so we will be satisfied with where we are, knowing more is coming.

When it does come, we will be ready.  Not because we will be independent but because we have learned to be so dependent on Him.

3. Praying big and praying hard is sometimes very, very hard.  Last night before I went to sleep, I was continuing to read The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  It was more than a little prophetic when I read these words, 

If you can trust God when the answer is no, you're likely to give Him praise when the answer is yes.  You need to press in and press on.  By definition, praying hard is praying when it is hard to pray. And it's the hard times that teach us to pray hard.  But if you keep praying through, the peace that transcends understanding will guard your heart and your mind.  So sometimes the answer to our prayers is no and you'll never understand why.  But here's some good news: What we perceive as unanswered prayers are often the greatest answers. (p. 124)

When I got up for my 3 am prayer-fast-listening time, I discovered a text from a mom whose little boy has been on the edge of eternity.  We'd been praying for a miracle, no lie. It was going to take a miracle to save him and we've been asking for the last month - asking in faith, believing God would do it.  I'd had visions of him as a teenager, walked his hospital room in the spirit and thrown my stone of faith against the Goliath of cancer.  Just last night at our URPrays meeting, we were still declaring in confidence God would do it.

The text from his mom told me Jesus took him home Tuesday afternoon.  From 3 - 4 am this morning, all I did was cry.  All the Holy Spirit (and my husband) did was hold me as I cried.

This morning, I received 2 other pieces of bad news, seeming more "Nos," to other big prayers I'd been praying.  Yet, none of this shakes my faith.  I know I don't know it all. On my face in the wee hours this morning, the Lord impressed 2 Scriptures on me: John 11:35: Jesus Wept; and 1 Corinthians 13:12: For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror...Now I know in part.

I feel free to weep, to mourn with my friends in the loss of their child.  I carry a heavy heart for another friend who lost her daughter, leaving her young grandchildren without a mother.  I am burdened for the young couple whose baby will live for less than an hour after she is born.  I am wounded for them all and I know I don't know what to pray. 

Yet, I know someone else who was wounded for us, for our healing.  It is by His stripes we are healed.  Whatever form the healing takes, that is up to God.  That stings to say, but it is true. My job is to pray, the Lord's job is to answer, however He chooses.  I will continue to bring my friends to the Wounded Healer of Galilee, secure in the knowledge that what I don't know, He does.  His love covers them, much more than mine can.  Mine is limited, His is not.  My knowledge is incomplete, His is full.

His tender mercies are new every single morning.  For me.  For You.  For them.  I'm counting my life on it.

Mark Batterson also writes: Work like it depends on you.  Pray like it depends on God.

I'll do both, for myself, my friends, my church, for others He brings into my path.  My prayers will not always be answered the way I think, but I know He will answer.  I know He will work it all out for our good and His glory because we love Him and He loves us.  Love covers a multitude.

I'll end with a simple prayer, as that is about all I've got today.  Sometimes simple is exactly what we need.

Dearest Lord, I don't always get it.  I am not tall enough to see what You see. So, I will just trust that You do see.  You see my pain and the pain of others. You know that pain, so please carry it for them. Don't let it overwhelm them. Let Your light shine on and in them. Heal what needs to be healed, still.

But most importantly, Lord, help us. Keep doing what only You can do.  Thank You for Your peace that surpasses all understanding and please continue to pour it out, multiplying its effects on our lives.

I love You, Jesus.  I don't understand but I trust You.  Thank You, I lift up Your name because You are worth it. Amen.

Faith, Hope and Love Prayer Walk 2015

A man reaps what he sows....so let us not grow weary of doing good, for at the right time, we will reap a harvest! (Galatians 6:8-9)

Yesterday, 6 friends and I went on a walk.  We prayed, talked and shared as we walked.  There were no earthquakes.  There were no visible signs what we were doing was anything more than an ordinary walk.

But since this physical world is only part of the story - I trust what we did, by encircling the main campus of MD Anderson and Texas Children's (and by extension St. Luke's) - sent shockwaves into the spiritual world.  Results aren't my business - they are for God to handle.  Our part was to take steps in faith, in trust - that with every step, we tilled up the ground around these two major cancer treatment centers and planted seeds of healing, peace, comfort, goodness, love, joy and salvation. 

There were no anointing oils.

There was no massive shouts of praise or trumpets blown.

We only went up and back once.

But that was all it took.  We walked from the front door of the main MDA building, down Bates Street to Fannin and came back.  I don't know that it was actually a mile in total.

Yet, we stood against the gates of hell, against the spirits of sickness, infirmity, depression, side effects and death.  We walked to bring in the light - to add to where it is already shining.  We called to people to look at the gorgeous day from their windows, to see the sun shining, the clarity of the sky.  To know there is more to life, that there can be, even when you feel like a caged animal, trapped by your room, your IV pole, your very circumstances.

I know that feeling.  Sophia and I know it all too well.  But there is hope.  We still have our faith because we were surrounded....no, carried...by the love of God, mostly through the love and care of others.

Our theme verse was one I took from my Sophia's own fight with cancer - it was on the back of her Team Sophia shirt.  At the time, I liked it, as it felt right to think we were waiting to see her harvest of healing, but know I know, God (as always) had a much greater purpose in mind...for a harvest of healing....for MDA and TCH to become places of His healing, rather than just treatment!

This was just the first year and I'd like to do it again (always) around Valentine's Day.  As we drove away, I looked at the other parts of the MDA complex and thought...."I'm coming back for you."  Yes, this was our meager beginning and that's ok.  We had a list of people we called out by name, but they were surrogates for all those battling this disease.  We prayed for a cure and we prayed for comfort.  Both are in short supply but we trust cancer will not have the final say on this world.

We were thankful for all who have given to the cause because healing wouldn't be possible without the patrons to add their literal earthly wealth to it.  We are grateful for all those who have gone on to fight the battle in Heaven, having finished their earthly races.  They join the cloud of witnesses surrounding the throne of God - Our God - El Roi - Who sees all.  Nothing, not even a sparrow falling to the ground, is lost to His sight.

That gives me immense relief, knowing that our small band of prayer warriors were seen, heard and honored because we came in the name of Christ.  I do hope you will join us next year.  We will have awesome t-shirts, I already have the designed (see the pictures above).

Thank you to those who joined us praying at home (or wherever). Social media is a wonderful medium for prayer because to be connected, we just have to agree that what we want is what God wants. And He wants healing.

Here was the list of our "surrogates," who stood in for all those affected by cancer, everywhere.  Feel free to add a name in the comments and we will lift them up as they journey with the Lord.  He is never closer than when your heart and body are broken and He will lift your head to see His glory!

Mary Smith
William Lewis
Sophia Vogel (healed)
Brian Locher 
Bennett Nester
Audrey Fontanot (healed)
Bill Hoffman
Amy Teague
Anna Grace Dennis (healed)
Kieran Ellis
Melissa Ferrand (healed)
Shannon Perry's Mom
Brandy Nichols
Gunner Patterson (healed)
Rylee Beard (healed)
Matthew Lucas (healed)
Ali Smallwood (healed)
Devin Duncan (healed)
Diana Brown (healed)
Holden Underwood (healed)
Natalie Fraker (healed)
Izzy Slot (healed)
Linda Lummus (healed)
Zoe (healed)
Mike Dunlap (healed)
Kristian Barrett (healed)
Brennan Scurlock (healed)
Miles Rosser (healed)
Lucy Weber (healed)
Courtney Pette (healed)
Jimmy Coe
Hunter Calvey
Prissy Mikulanka
Steve Seeling
Tiger Coffman
Lynn Ashdown
Marion Jaynes
Jerry Smith
Thomas Laskowski
Kayla DeRoche
Maggie Cook
Ava Roten
Sherrie Higgins

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 4

I sat before the Lord this morning.  I bawled my eyes out.

The feeling just welled up in me, I couldn't hold back my tears.  I sat here in the dark, no devotional, no Bible Study; with the dog running around like mad and cried.

Prayer this week has been heart-wrenching in some cases, involving emotional differences, struggles, comparisons and misunderstandings. I've come face to face with my lack of ability to help my closest peeps.  Circumstances have threatened those most precious to me. Their work in the Kingdom is great and satan has pulled out all the stops to prevent that work from coming to light.

It seems people's words can bring you low, circumstances can bring you to your knees and even your own thoughts about yourself can keep you down.  But nothing is so humbling as knowing the Almighty God of the Universe has answered your prayers.

I don't think my prayers are anything special. In fact, I have a lot of prayer aides where I'm actually using other people's prayers, including the books Prayers that Avail Much and Prayers for Others.  The authors of those books REALLY know how to pray.

Maybe as this year of prayer goes on, I will experiment with other types of prayer. My go-to tool is always the Word of God, I pray a lot from Scripture. Still, there are so many other ways to pray, I know I'm only dipping my toe into this ocean called Prayer.

And don't get me wrong. I'm still praying for folks whose situations have not resolved. The need for prayer in 2015 is even greater than I ever thought. This fact does not discourage me.  The needs are beyond comprehension but the grace and provision of Jesus Christ are even greater than the needs.  It shows me how many windows are open for Holy Spirit to fly through with His answers.

The Apostle Paul, my go-to in his happiest of letters writes, This same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. (Philip 4:19)

Jesus is the start, middle and end for every prayer. He is also the means to the answer. Jesus Himself said that if we pray anything in His Name (which means asking for things in line with God's will), the Father will not hesitate to give it.

Those are ridiculous level promises. By the grace and patience of God, I've come to believe them. In Christianity, believing is seeing.  I'm seeing the fruit of my faith: the answers to prayer. They are real and Christ is everything He says He is.  Faith is the most useful tool when we are praying. If we pray without believing, there is nothing to see. 

The beauty of faith is God meets us where we are. He doesn't require apostle-faith out of everyone, all the time. He will still answer. Yet, growing in the nature of what is possible with God means we will see greater and greater things - miracles, signs, wonders.  This is the level I want to go to in 2015, to witness and document the stories of our faith happening RIGHT NOW. 

So, I sit before the Lord and cry because I feel the weight of His love and His desire to prove Himself, and use us frail and faulty people - like me and you - to do it. 

The year is just beginning. We aren't even out of January and eternal earthquakes, shifts in spiritual tectonic plates, are happening.  Revival is coming and we are a part of it. It is growing and I don't want anyone to miss out.

God is so good.  He has been so good to me, to my dearest family and friends.  He want to be good to you in ways you cannot comprehend. Let this sign, on the prayer wall at Dr. Gleem Car Wash in the Heights, encourage you.

Let's keep going on in this journey of prayer, sweet friends and I know the words of King David, from my favorite Psalm (27:13), will be a reality: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.