Team Sophia: 5 Years Later (Almost)

It's been 59 months and 26 days since that Sunday in October 2010 when Sophia walked in the living room of our rent house, where I was working at my "desk," (which was a TV tray at the time).  She was looking down her nose at me which struck me as weird.  I asked her why she was looking at me that way.

"Because I see two of you."

Right then, a tornado siren went off in my heart.  I'd just taken her that morning to an urgent care clinic because of the swelling of her left eye.  They told me she had pink eye.  I knew that wasn't right as this was my 2nd child and we'd all had pink eye before at that point.  What she had did NOT look like pink eye to me.  That was the last time I didn't argue ask well-thought out questions of a doctor when I thought they were not 100% in their diagnosis.

I told Dave what she said.  Immediately, we packed up to go to the ER and called my parents to drop newly-minted 7 year old Natalie on the way.  It was about 5 pm on Sunday evening.  After that fateful moment, our lives were never the same.

5 1/2 hours later, as I laid there on the ER room gurney with Sophia asleep in my arms, I did what most parents would do in an ER.  I prayed.  In what I now know to be a moment of Holy Spirit inspired prayer, I told the Lord I would praise Him no matter.  And I distinctly remember saying out loud, I will praise You, Lord.  Even if this is cancer.

After I uttered those words, there was no audible voice from God, no angelic messenger; absolutely nothing dramatic or supernatural occurred.  Sophia didn't twitch and I didn't feel the Spirit rise up in me.  It was just.....peace.  Not completely silent (hospitals never are) but like someone had thrown a blanket over us.  It was warm and safe and quiet.  That was the moment, I think, when the Lord stretched out His wings over us (Psalm 91:1,4) and I believe we've never left His side.

This picture is from the morning she got her port-a-cath put in, less than 2 weeks later.  I love this picture because that was my baby....that's what she looked like at 4 years old before cancer and chemo.

She's not here to complain and tell me "STOP CRYING!"  Apparently I do that more than she likes.  I apologize, but say her mother gets emotional and when that happens, my eyes leak.  They are really leaking now as I sit here writing this post.  It's not out of pain or despair or woundedness.  The Lord healed me of all that 2 years ago.  It's when I think about what's happened to us in the last 5 years....all the people who prayed for us....all the people who made meals....sent cards...stood by us....commented on Facebook and even read the open-ended journal this blog became....that's really what makes me cry.  Thank you is not enough, but I'll say it anyway....THANK YOU.

Then, I think about all the people who never knew us in that season, including our current church family (some just finding out last week Sophia had cancer!)  They only know "us" now, not the "us" from then.  But we wouldn't be who we are now without Sophia's ordeal...really our family's ordeal.

We are at the finish line now.  The last scans of her protocol/treatment plan happened Friday afternoon and this picture was taken right after.  I love this picture because it is fully Sophia, proud to be 9 and happy to be finished.  Tomorrow morning, we meet with her oncologist for what will surely be the very last time.  She will transfer us to the long-term care clinic at Texas Children's and Dr. Jodi Muscal will "retire" as Sophia's doctor.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being emotional at the end of the journey.

And I am.  I am emotional because we are so blessed.  Not just because she is completely healthy with no side effects AT ALL.  I can't express my gratitude to God for making her total healing a reality.  It is too much for me to express all He has done for us, all He has given us, all He continues to do in our lives.  It is obscenely extravagant and we are not worthy of it.

Theologically speaking, I know we are worthy because of Christ but that doesn't keep me from being totally humbled by that reality.  I live in that victory every day.  I operate, pray and minister out of that confidence I posted about yesterday (read that here).  But as me speaking to you, it is too much goodness given to just 4 regular people....now 5.  Yet HE STILL GAVE IT.

I don't know who that is for, who that encourages...to know that if God will give us all this, He will most certainly give you the same portion, or more.  I know He will.  

We will continue to care and serve and pray and believe for those fighting cancer.  I still do comfort kits (read about those here).  We will again pray-walk the road between MD Anderson and Texas Children's on Saturday, February 13th, 2016 (MAKE PLANS NOW TO JOIN US!)  We will have t-shirts made this time because I have a feeling because we sowed the seed this year, there is a harvest of people coming to pray in the reality of those hospitals becoming places of healing, not treatment.  

The back of our Team Sophia shirts quoted Galatians 6:9-10: Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the right time, you will reap a harvest.  I can say it has been a harvest all along.  We say the same thing in the cancer world: N.E.G.U.  We will never, ever give up till a cure is found - whether that is Jesus' 2nd coming or a medical miracle.  Either way, we are here to fight the evil-sent disease of cancer and the suffering it causes, with supernatural and natural means.  Jesus teaches us how to do that and He also teaches us healing is possible.

Sophia, our whole family is a great example of what He can do, with only a willing heart.  

Just keep showing us the way, Lord.  Thank You for always doing so.  Send us the cure for cancer and comfort those afflicted, Gracious God.  Raise up Your people to help in every creative way You can think of, Holy Spirit.  Bring more of Your Kingdom to earth, in Jesus' Name.

Give Jesus Your Rubik's Cube (or how to cast your cares on God)

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7, MSG

Last week, a pastor friend inadvertently told me what I do when I write.  He was telling me about a couple of trends in the church and mentioned one called "practical theology."  Ever have those moments when a cathedral bell goes off in your head?

Those two words, practical theology, rung through my soul.

Not that I'm into definitions because those most assuredly get me into trouble (especially when given to me by others.)  Still, when you get a moment of clarity, you gotta realize and be grateful to the One who gave it to you.  I'm a practical theologian. (Don't twist into "practically-a-theologian" although that might work too).

Practical theology is essentially what I'm doing here.  Taking the study of God and making it applicable, useful to living life.  That's my calling.  That's what I study.  That's what I'm passionate about.  Jesus has given me purpose, direction, value.  Because of that, I want others to find their own in Him.

Still, if I'm being real, there are days when people "step on my happy,"* and I don't want to practice what I preach anymore.

There is an increasingly popular form of prayer - which I'm not sure is really "new" - but is extremely powerful.  It is called Theophostic Prayer and the way I understand it, in agreement with others, you go back to the moment in time (usually childhood) when the wrong idea or the lie was supplanted for God's truth in your life.  You let Christ remove the hurt and pain and then you let Him speak His reality into your soul (mind, will and emotions).

I hope to do my own official exploration through Serenity Retreat in Houston soon.  Until then, I've had others who've been through it teach me some basics it and applied it in just a few instances in praying for others.  I'm not trained in it so I mostly let the Spirit do the talking.  This type of prayer is especially for adults.  Why?  

Because those lies, the deceptions and unwanted untruths we assimilate as children when we don't have the maturity to process life...the enemy of our souls jumps on like white on rice.  Those ideas grow into identities and yokes we can't shake with out the Lord's strong power.  Theophostic prayer leads to freedom and deliverance - and often healing.  It is a way to reverse the cycle of negative self-talk that leads to self-hatred, self-abuse and in some extreme cases, self-mutilation.  It is part of the three-part command in Matthew 22:37-39 (that I'm writing a book on...https://thejesusrule.wordpress.com/): Love God.  Love Yourself.  Love Your Neighbor.

We can't really love God's way until we permanently put down the baggage we've been carrying (for way too long).  Whether we picked it up or let others load us down, we have to get rid of it at some point to get truly healthy.  I'm unequivocally convinced God wants us - His people - to live freely, lightly, unbound by the world.  Why would we want to be otherwise?  It's the abundant life work - digging in with God to get to the life He came to give us.  That's why I quoted the verse from 1 Peter 5:7 - commonly read as "Cast Your Cares Onto Him Because He Cares for you." 

Now, as adults, we have to go back.  But since this twisted re-wiring of our brains happens when are children, I'd like to help my girls fend it off.  I want my girls to grow up unhindered by the things that so easily tripped me up.  Part of that effort is to show them how to have their own relationship with Jesus.  This is so they can learn what His voice sounds like because the flesh, the world and the enemy will come to call.  Yet if they know the voice of the Good Shepherd, they don't necessarily have to leave the fold.  There is more than enough room in His Creation for adventure, we don't have to do it on culture's terms.  

This is a daily, sometimes hourly, monumental task.  But it is my primary calling as a mother/parent.  And it has very great, eternal rewards.  So, I'm plugging into my girls, listening to their "speech," (both spoken and unspoken) and regularly reminding them who Their Heavenly Father says they are. They already know His love but in the harsh light of "life," they need constant refreshers of Who He is and Who they are to Him. 

On Monday, my best friend told me about a message her daughter heard from a speaker encouraging the kids to do a real-time theophostic technique.  When she told me about it, I realized this was a way to short-circuit the enemies tricks; one that would blow out all the smoke and mirrors he employs to steal, kill and destroy us by any means necessary.  The gist is: when someone says or does something that hurts you - take those feelings and give them to Jesus.  Let Him sort them out and restore your heart to His perfect peace.

Good stuff, right??  I had the opportunity to use it with Sophia less than 24 hours later.  Sophia is working through a lot of anxiety and stress (and making significant progress I might add).  She told me about a situation where a little girl, who has been on-and-off nasty to her all year, told her she was ugly.  Last week, the little girl told Sophia her pictures was ugly.  Now, it has escalated.  And all Sophia wants is for this little girl to accept her the way she is (her words, not mine.) Isn't that what we all want from others?  Isn't that what we all want from God?

To know but more than that, to be known and loved for who we are.

Henri Nouwen called it "The Life of the Beloved."  I count myself as one of those who needs to remember I am The Beloved.  It is the same for my girls.  So, as Sophia and I were talking, I got a divinely inspired mental image.  I asked her if she remembered what a rubik's cube was and she said she did.  I told her to picture her heart like a rubik's cube that's complete, that's solved, in perfect order. 

Then I asked if she remembered
what a rubik's cube looks like when it is messed up.  I told her when she gets upset or angry, the messed up cube is what her heart, her emotions look like.

Now, here is where the real-time theophostic technique comes in.  I told her "You can take that messed up, unsolved, tangled rubik's cube of your emotions - AND GIVE IT TO JESUS TO STRAIGHTEN OUT."

Well, she ran with it.  When she got in the car after school yesterday she said, "Mama, there were 2 times today I had to give my Foosball to Jesus."  (I said, "You mean rubik's cube?"  "Yes, that's it.")

I asked her if He gave it back to her in the right order.  She said, "I don't know, I just gave it to Him and I was ok!" Mission accomplished.

When your mind, heart, spirit and/or body is messed up - give it to Jesus.  Short circuit the enemy's plans by submitting yourself to the Lord.  Cast your cares onto Him because He can and will straighten it out.  Our hearts are only puzzles to us, but Jesus knows how to solve them.  He can put them back in order - even better working order than before.  Explore your options in prayer, fellowship, worship and serving.

His goal, as stated in Philippians 4:7 is to keep our hearts and minds wrapped up in His peace.  Our part in it is to give Him access.  We must give ourselves to Him and He will make us unburdened, un-weary.  He will give us the rest we crave because we have too long tried to figure it out on our own.  He will make our hearts and our paths straight.

 P.S. If anyone has a rubik's cube they want to give Sophia, let me know.  The Targets around me seem to be fresh out!! 

*taken from Lysa TerKuerst in her book Unglued

Faith, Hope and Love Prayer Walk 2015

A man reaps what he sows....so let us not grow weary of doing good, for at the right time, we will reap a harvest! (Galatians 6:8-9)

Yesterday, 6 friends and I went on a walk.  We prayed, talked and shared as we walked.  There were no earthquakes.  There were no visible signs what we were doing was anything more than an ordinary walk.

But since this physical world is only part of the story - I trust what we did, by encircling the main campus of MD Anderson and Texas Children's (and by extension St. Luke's) - sent shockwaves into the spiritual world.  Results aren't my business - they are for God to handle.  Our part was to take steps in faith, in trust - that with every step, we tilled up the ground around these two major cancer treatment centers and planted seeds of healing, peace, comfort, goodness, love, joy and salvation. 

There were no anointing oils.

There was no massive shouts of praise or trumpets blown.

We only went up and back once.

But that was all it took.  We walked from the front door of the main MDA building, down Bates Street to Fannin and came back.  I don't know that it was actually a mile in total.

Yet, we stood against the gates of hell, against the spirits of sickness, infirmity, depression, side effects and death.  We walked to bring in the light - to add to where it is already shining.  We called to people to look at the gorgeous day from their windows, to see the sun shining, the clarity of the sky.  To know there is more to life, that there can be, even when you feel like a caged animal, trapped by your room, your IV pole, your very circumstances.

I know that feeling.  Sophia and I know it all too well.  But there is hope.  We still have our faith because we were surrounded....no, carried...by the love of God, mostly through the love and care of others.

Our theme verse was one I took from my Sophia's own fight with cancer - it was on the back of her Team Sophia shirt.  At the time, I liked it, as it felt right to think we were waiting to see her harvest of healing, but know I know, God (as always) had a much greater purpose in mind...for a harvest of healing....for MDA and TCH to become places of His healing, rather than just treatment!

This was just the first year and I'd like to do it again (always) around Valentine's Day.  As we drove away, I looked at the other parts of the MDA complex and thought...."I'm coming back for you."  Yes, this was our meager beginning and that's ok.  We had a list of people we called out by name, but they were surrogates for all those battling this disease.  We prayed for a cure and we prayed for comfort.  Both are in short supply but we trust cancer will not have the final say on this world.

We were thankful for all who have given to the cause because healing wouldn't be possible without the patrons to add their literal earthly wealth to it.  We are grateful for all those who have gone on to fight the battle in Heaven, having finished their earthly races.  They join the cloud of witnesses surrounding the throne of God - Our God - El Roi - Who sees all.  Nothing, not even a sparrow falling to the ground, is lost to His sight.

That gives me immense relief, knowing that our small band of prayer warriors were seen, heard and honored because we came in the name of Christ.  I do hope you will join us next year.  We will have awesome t-shirts, I already have the designed (see the pictures above).

Thank you to those who joined us praying at home (or wherever). Social media is a wonderful medium for prayer because to be connected, we just have to agree that what we want is what God wants. And He wants healing.

Here was the list of our "surrogates," who stood in for all those affected by cancer, everywhere.  Feel free to add a name in the comments and we will lift them up as they journey with the Lord.  He is never closer than when your heart and body are broken and He will lift your head to see His glory!

Mary Smith
William Lewis
Sophia Vogel (healed)
Brian Locher 
Bennett Nester
Audrey Fontanot (healed)
Bill Hoffman
Amy Teague
Anna Grace Dennis (healed)
Kieran Ellis
Melissa Ferrand (healed)
Shannon Perry's Mom
Brandy Nichols
Gunner Patterson (healed)
Rylee Beard (healed)
Matthew Lucas (healed)
Ali Smallwood (healed)
Devin Duncan (healed)
Diana Brown (healed)
Holden Underwood (healed)
Natalie Fraker (healed)
Izzy Slot (healed)
Linda Lummus (healed)
Zoe (healed)
Mike Dunlap (healed)
Kristian Barrett (healed)
Brennan Scurlock (healed)
Miles Rosser (healed)
Lucy Weber (healed)
Courtney Pette (healed)
Jimmy Coe
Hunter Calvey
Prissy Mikulanka
Steve Seeling
Tiger Coffman
Lynn Ashdown
Marion Jaynes
Jerry Smith
Thomas Laskowski
Kayla DeRoche
Maggie Cook
Ava Roten
Sherrie Higgins

Sought. Found. Redefined in Christ.

Zacchaeus was a wee little man and a wee little man was he....

I've been on hiatus; summer time doesn't lend itself to a whole lotta focused writing time, but I have been writing.  I'm plugging away at the first book in my series on Matthew 22:37-40, Life of Grace.  Pray for me, I'd like to have a manuscript in order by New Year's......

Yesterday, I went to the beginning of book study at church.  The book is called How Is It With Your Soul?  It's based on Wesleyan class meetings, what we would today call community groups.  These gatherings were the heart of Methodist teachings - the catalyst of the movement (that became a whole denomination).  That question was meant to set the tone - so the members of the "class" could be real in their support and encouragement of one another.

Each table explored this question.  My soul was in a very good place.  I shared that we'd just come from Sophia's eye check up, part of her post-treatment follow up.  She continues to have no effects on her eye, especially from the radiation (minus a little cataract in the corner, which isn't messing with anything).  She has 20/20 vision in both eyes!  Praise God!

Then, the leader of the lesson took us through  Luke 19:1-10.  You might have guessed it was the story of Zaccheaus' seeking of Jesus, by my little ditty at the beginning.  (I know you are singing the rest, maybe even doing the hand motions.)  To the right is a great visual that describes the story from Brian Chalmers.

As we dug in, I was struck with new truth.  Zaccheaus was the chief tax collector.  Not just a regular sinner (and a traitor in the eyes of the community at large.  As a result, he was excluded from the Temple.)  No, he was the chief of traitors/sinners.  We also know Zacchaeus was a short man.  But I wonder if he was a little person?  If he was born a dwarf, would that confirm his sinful nature?  (See John 9 for details on the cultural inference of sin as the cause of infirmity or abnormality). 

I pondered the level of insecurity Zacchaeus must have had.  He was a Jew, but kept from the community by chance, and also choice.  Physically speaking, he was the low man on the totem pole, so he tried to made up for it with money, position and power.  Still, he'd reached a point when nothing would satisfy.  What kind of state of mind, what level of desperation had he reached that provoked him, a very rich and powerful man who spent his whole life trying to make up for his short-comings (pun intended), to climb a tree to get a glimpse of Jesus?

Zacchaeus was seeking hard after God.  His current life was no longer enough. 

It is significant Zacchaeus didn't approach Christ.  Jesus took a detour to come to him. Jesus was just passing through Jericho, but this little man was on His spiritual radar.  He humbled himself.  He didn't try to buy his way into Jesus' presence, he climbed a tree.

He had a hunger that could no longer be satisfied by things of earth.  He was desperate.  Not desperate enough to come to Jesus directly, but that's no matter to the Lord.  Jesus desires to find us where we are, however good or bad, because He isn't going to leave us that way.  Zaachaeus might have thought he was seeking Jesus, but most assuredly, the Savoir was seeking him.

As we constantly see Jesus do (in Scripture and today), He changed Zacchaeus' heart and circumstance.  He comes to the base of that tree and orders Zacchaeus to come down, He is under a new master now.  It was time for a party!  Total reversal of fortune and I think Zacchaeus knew it.

So, now, of course, the haters try to rain on the parade.  (They always do.)

Here the mettle of our new man Z is revealed.  He declares he will not only give half of his possessions to the poor; to anyone he's cheated, he will pay back four times.  That is WAY above and beyond what the Law in Leviticus called for.  WAY MORE.  Contrasting this with the story of the Rich Young Ruler who went away depressed because he couldn't give up his wealth for a new identity as a disciple of Jesus; Zacchaeus makes a bold statement and puts his money where his mouth was. 

Jesus recognizes the faith and love of this man.  I think that is what truly motivated Zacchaeus - love for the Savior.  Love makes us do crazy things.  Giving away half of all we own, repaying all of our physical, emotional and spiritual debts four-times-over definitely qualifies as nuts.  Jesus restores Zacchaeus' relationship with God (even if nothing changed with his fellow Jews) and our man Z makes good on it.  

(I speculate Zacchaeus made a huge difference in the early Church.  He isn't mentioned again in Scripture, but I hope he was one of the hundred in the Upper Room; one of the ones Jesus breathed His Spirit on after His resurrection.  I imagine his wealth would have gone a long way to support all that happened in Acts.  I wish I knew that for sure.)

The heart of this passage is this: if you currently live in the identity of your insecurities, Christ can and will redefine you.  It is His speciality, what He came to do, what He still loves to do today.  He is redeeming, restoring, renewing lives that should be left on the trash heap.  Yet, in the hands of Christ, those same lives are made new; to glorify and show others the right, best way.

Zacchaeus went from being a wee little man, seeking glory of the world, to heart-soul-mind-and-money dedicated to the Kingdom of God.  That's remarkable salvation; putting away eternal treasure. That's what redemption looks like.

That's what Jesus can do for all of us too.

I pray we all reach a moment like Zacchaeus.  I pray we are all so desperate for Jesus to redefine us, that we seek Him.  Scripture promises when we seek Him, we will find Him.  I pray we all end up like Zacchaeus - once a wee little man but used to bless others because of our trust, faith and love of Christ.

Summer Bridge Workbook LOL to Tears Entry #2

So, a couple of weeks ago, our middle daughter - the ever hilarious Sophia - wrote about what she would keep if she had to give away everything but three things in her room.  It was settled pretty easily - you can read her commentary here.

In her summer bridge workbook, she writes something weekly.  She doesn't try and make it funny every time, but today, I'm pretty sure she worked hard at it.  She was successful.  She was asked about something she could reuse or recycle and how she would reuse or recycle it.

Third Grade has never seen a kid like this.  I hope her teacher is tuned into Sophia's particular brand of dry wit.  Lord, have mercy on us!

(Personally, I think she likes the subtle fame that comes from me posting her work...no matter what she says!)

I would recycle my old toothbrush.  Because its old and I don't want a old, moldy, stinky toothbrush running around my house yelling, "I'm a stinky toothbrush!"  But once my mom sees it, she grabs it and sticks it in my mouth.  And that's when I reuse it.

Here is the original, in all it's unedited glory

More than a Case Number

I read a post by a friend of mine today.  We are not "best" friends, but her circumstances have drawn me to her.  I pray daily, sometimes hourly, for her and often text her to see how things are going.  I know she has lots of people praying and interceding, but the Lord has given me this assignment, to pray for her life.

I'm not just talking about healing, but full restoration; of her mind, body, soul and spirit.  There are so many indignities to the process of fighting cancer, so many ways you can be broken and it is easier to just give up and become the statistic everyone says you are.

For awhile now, I've been praying for a way to ease the burden of a cancer patient's journey.  I try to speak life and bring comfort, as well as support organizations that do that on a much larger scale.

But lately, my prayers have changed.  I want to be in the fight.  I want to DO something more.  I am healthy and I have knowledge and I've been asking the Lord to use that for His kingdom.

Maybe this is a first step.  I've written and posted an open letter to the oncology community.  The link to it (as a Google doc) is at the end of the post. 

Why the medical community?  Because beyond a patient's family and friends, the people they interact with where they are being treated are just about everyone they see.  Those interactions are CRITICAL to a person's health, just as a blood transfusion is when platelets are low.

Human life can be devalued when you constantly see it in a state of suffering.  It's desensitizing.  It is easy to turn emotions off and just stop caring.  For some, I understand, it is a coping mechanism.  But for the patient, this is their life.  Or it is the life of someone they love.

When that is treated insensitively, whether on purpose or accident, it's emotionally debilitating.

And y'all, if you know me, you know that I can not stand for that.

It takes awhile to wake up and realize it is happening.  It took me 4 months.  We were sincerely blessed with our oncologist.  She is GIFTED and WONDERFUL - the perfect combination.  Many of the physicians on her level are just like her.  I believe she has a vested interest in seeing Sophia grow up and she has always been extremely careful to choose her words and to help us understand.
Sophia was never a case number to her. 

But the sad fact is, Sophia was a case number to others.

So, I gotta say something.  I felt this way back then, in treatment, and I feel it just as strongly now. 

Use your position of influence wisely.  Choose your words carefully.  Think of the repercussions of your words and actions BEFORE you say them.  It doesn't matter if you are at Texas Children's, MD Anderson, St. Jude's or any other.  Help your team to remember you are treating the person, not the cancer.

And people, suffering people, should always be handled with care.

We have a Good and Merciful Judge who seeks to find the best solution - the life-giving solution - for every one.  I know He has a few more resources at His beck and call then we mere mortals do, (and we should access His power any time we need it!)  But we can at least try to remember these are people, not just numbers.

Not everyone is made up of steel and leather.  Some of us are soft and squishy on the inside and when things are said to us that may be routine to you, remember they are not to us.  And when you leave, we will cry our eyes out.
Then we will get mad.

Then, when it is all over, we will post things like this on our blogs: a call for change in the way cancer treatment is handled.  We want to find light where it is dark and we want you, medical community, help us be that light. 

An Open Letter to the Oncology Medical Community: A Call To Mercy 

I Cried When I Read This

The girls are going through their summer workbooks.  Today, Sophia had to write the following assignment: If you had to give away all the things in your bedroom except for three things, which three things (other than your bed) would you keep?  Why?

In classic style, Sophia wrote the following.  After reading it, I laughed so hard I cried.  

I would keep my underwear.  And my pants and my shirt because what would I have to wear, my dirty pajamas?

Sophia's Story Continues - God is Good All the Time

He is faithful to do what He promises.

It's been a whirlwind morning.  Many of you have seen my updates on Facebook and know the incredible news:  Sophia's "spot" (or scar from where the tumor was) is getting smaller.

And she only has a 2-3 more MRIs to go before she is done with that too!

We have 15 months left before the part of her protocol which is basically just watching her grow.  She'll need blood drawn occasionally, just to track her development (from the inside).  But other than that, this really will be behind her (us).  Our faith in her total healing will be made real.

As I sat here and ate my lunch, I wavered about doing a post.  I scrolled through Facebook to see what is going on in other people's lives.  But I just keep coming back to this....this wonderful news.  I expected it. I wanted it. I prayed for it. I believed God is Someone who does what He promises.

And He did.

Nothing is more important than this.  Nothing is more meaningful than this: God is good ALL THE TIME.

I know there other things happening in the world.  I know there maybe things that are just as major happening to you right now.  You have needs that must be met.  You have struggles and trials and frustrations that need a place to go.  And my heart just keeps screaming out, "He is that place!  Christ is that place!"

Oh, friends.  Would you stop for a moment to just sit in stillness with this one thought in your uplifted, open hands: If you can make a miracle out of Sophia, Lord, you can also make a miracle out of me.

I don't know what will happen when you do that.  As often as I've tried to be, I'm not God, so I can't let you in on how, what or when He does what He does. But I can tell you: if you've been running; or doubting; or wounded; or angry; or desperate; or depressed; or even none of these things at all...God has what you need.

The Lord, Adonai, in the Person of Jesus Christ, IS what you need.

I understand Jesus is the hardest one to get.  

But being in a relationship with Him is what helps this life make sense.  And at the very least, He helps you make sense out of yourself.  He helps you endure your circumstances.  He helps heal you and put you back together because really, we are all some version of Humpty Dumpty.

I'm more than grateful to say Sophia is healthy and whole.  Words cannot express my gratitude.  In fact, I've often wondered what kind of offering I could make to God that would even remotely show my appreciation for His kindness (which is undeserved in so many ways.)

I guess this post is part of that offering.

The last few days, and especially today, have been a test of the freedom given to me Friday when I was released from caregiver back into mother (read about that here.)  It's what I needed and it is what she needed to get farther and farther away from what happened to her in the past; so she can get closer and closer to the beautiful future God is working out.

We still need prayer.  Her left eyebrow and eyelashes need to be fuller.  Any effect of the radiation or chemotherapy on the bone around her left eye, frontal lobe and endocrine system needs to be wiped away along with the little scar that keeps getting smaller.  Every side or long-term effect needs to go away.

But all in all, I know we've passed through the fire.  We've crossed the Jordan and will continue to take the Promised Land one battle a day; depending on our Gracious Warrior-Lord fighting for us.

I'll say it one last time (today).  Whatever your need, no matter how big or small, God is able.  He is creative.  He provides.  Trust in Him to deliver on His terms and in His own time.  Just look at Sophia's face (taken at a birthday party on this past Saturday).  Understand if He has done it for us, He will do it for you.

I don't know when.  Or How.  But He will do it.

Sophia's Story (Continued) - Into the Donut Hole

Sophia had her scans this morning.  We went in early and unlike the last time, we were prepared to do them without sedation.  Last time, she did it without being sedated, but it was an off-the-cuff decision.  It went fine, but we were ready, Freddy, this time.

Oh, boy were we ready.

I didn't write about the last time in detail, but the MRI machines at Texas Children's are called "donuts" because that's exactly what they look like.  It's a children's hospital so they are all decorated up with various characters.  You can even watch a movie, if you aren't getting a scan of your eye orbits, but Sophia's eyes need looking after so she just lays there, trying to be as still as humanly possible.

I think I did report, on her Facebook page, that the noises are very loud and a little scary.  I wasn't really aware of how loud until they gave me earplugs and a noise-canceling headset.  They did even more for Sophia since she would be in the middle of it all.

In the last round, I had the sensation I was on holy ground.  If I hadn't been hanging onto Sophia for dear life, I would have taken my shoes off.  We still struggled though, because we just didn't know what to expect of the whole process.  It all turned out well and they got the images they needed. This time, we went in with a plan.

We knew what needed to get done spiritually and in the natural and made adjustments for all.  There was a whole lot of binding and loosing that went on this week, in prayer, and as a result, neither of us were at all worried.  On Tuesday, we got a "chill pill" from our natural allergist, a little vial that when held in your right hand, helps you to relax.  Sophia got to stay up late last night, to ensure she would be tired this morning (she was!)  She also got breakfast beforehand, which is a nice break from the sedation practices.  Last time she was starving, but this time, her tummy was nice and full of McDonald's hotcakes.


I spoke with 2 dear friends on our way to the hospital (one in person, one via voicemail) and was really quite confident it would all go well. I had no reason to doubt how we were handling everything.   (When it comes to post-treatment scans, peace and confidence are quite rare.  I can take zero credit for my peace.  It all surpasses my understanding.  It was all from the Lord.)

The only snafu of the process was I forgot they had to put an I.V. for the contrast medicine.  I seem to forget that every time and promised Sophia no pokes.  But even with the unexpected, I think it finally sunk in that she is big and strong enough to handle pokes.  I think she finally understands it is much worse if she freaks out.

We went into the room, got her all bundled into the machine, and the scan began.  MRI scans last anywhere from 30-60 minutes, so it is a tall order for anyone to remain still the whole time, much less a 7 year old.  I did take my shoes off this time. I could feel the Lord was getting down to business, as we'd asked.

The second she got into the donut hole, she fell asleep!

She was out like a light - like she'd been sedated.  Reminded me of the "deep sleep" the Lord used on Adam and Abraham.  I was watching and praying and she never moved a muscle, just her chest as she inhaled and exhaled.  TOTAL MIRACLE!

As I was praying, I felt the overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit.  He impressed upon me how much He loved Sophia.  He told me I didn't have to pray anymore, in the Spirit or otherwise because the machine would do the praying for me.

The machines and all their various vibrations would say my prayers for me.  Kind of a techno-version of Romans 8:26, And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

So, I stopped praying and just rested.  I sat with my forehead on the table, keeping an eye on Sophia - still just breathing.  Another verse came to me, from Psalm 130:6,

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.

That's when I got the other impression.  I'd kept my hand on her leg, to reassure her (and me) but it wasn't needed anymore.  I had to break the connection because my job, as her caregiver, is complete.  My job of carrying her is through; this is no longer 'OUR' journey.  This is a fork in the road.  This is now Sophia's journey.

I can go back to just being her Mommy.

It was a final surrender.  I am now only a watchman, waiting for the morning.  It's time for me to leave the stage and take my place in the audience.  My part in this drama of her cancer story is finished.

There will come a day, sooner than I think, when she will take up her true identity in Christ.  I won't have to carry it for her, she will know who she is.  No more doubt, no more uncertainity.  She will know in the core of her being that nothing, absolutely nothing will stand in the way of God's love for her and His plans for her life.

I still have a role to play in her life, sure.  It's just my role has changed.  Or maybe it's going back to to what it always should have been.  She doesn't need a caregiver because she is no longer a patient.  The prisoner to cancer doesn't need a warden to make sure all the details happen on the exact schedule. It's all done.

I don't know how that will play out in the natural.  I don't know what she is going to be when she grows up.  I don't know much, truly.  Nor do I have any more faith or strength or hope then anyone else.  I don't walk in any extra power or anointing.  I just walk with Christ.

The significance of all of this experience isn't me.  It isn't about my faith or what I can do (have done, will do.)

The significance is that Jesus is faithful.

He accomplishes the things He promises.  He promises to heal, redeem and make whole.  He is doing that and I'm just going to keep trusting Him to do what He's said He will.  That's all you have to do too.  It's just like I wrote yesterday:

What won't the God, who sent His Only Son, do for us?

After all of this, I dozed off for a bit.  There we were: both asleep with the machinery banging around us.  Incredible.  Knowing, not understanding, but knowing.  That is what faith is, friends.

Results of the scans on Tuesday.
 

Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  According to His great mercy, He has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that is imperishable, uncorrupted and unfading, kept in heaven for you.  You are being protected by God's power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to struggle in various trials so that the genuineness of your faith - more valuable than gold, which perishes through refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  You love Him, though you have not seen Him.  And though not seeing Him now, you believe in Him and rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:3-9)

Where is God when I'm Hurting?

From http://nailtothedoor.com

Where is God when I'm hurting?

Where is He when the pain is too much to bear?

Where is He when I need Him; when I can't handle any more?

Where is He?

If you've ever thought these questions, not even if you've expressed them out loud....just thought them; I want you to know something.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I probably said that louder then I meant to, so, sorry if I started you.  I wanted to get your attention because I know where you are coming from.  It's been awhile since I experienced the doubt and confusion of it, but I can plug right back in without trying very hard.

I was pondering it this morning in my quiet time because I know some folks in this place.  I'm also reading through the Prophets as part of Bible in 90 days.  (I can't wait to be done with these guys.)  The Prophets addressed some serious situations, still those situations were self-made by the people of Israel.  They'd been bad, turning from God, and had been that way for a LONG time.

Still, when the Judgement came, it wasn't pretty.  A lot of people were killed, brutally.  A lot were taken far from home and familiarity.  Very few were left behind.  It was an ugly time to be a Hebrew.

I think I can say with some authority that when serious trouble comes, by our own hand, or otherwise, we start to question God.  Our confidence in His master plan starts to ebb. When things go sideways - tragedy, illness, destruction and all the other ways life knocks us down - it is really easy to ask where God is. Even the venerated father of suffering, Job, asked when the Lord was going to show up so he could plead his case before the Almighty Judge.

If I'm being honest here, and I am, I have asked these questions.  I have silently screamed them into the cold, quiet, midnight darkness of my daughter's hospital room.

Where are you, Lord?  When are you going to show up and do....SOMETHING!

Something, anything I can touch, taste, smell, feel or see to make this situation even minutely better then it is right now.  I can't wait on ultimate redemption, I need relief NOW.  And I want you to know: I didn't get an answer right then.

There was no audible voice, nothing falling off the wall, not rush of warmth.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero.  Just the lonely beeping of the machines on the IV pole.

It took a few months but I did discover the eternal truth that God was there all along.  Was I hopeless?  I mean, without hope of God never showing up on my behalf?

No, never.  Even as I was wordlessly venting my frustration, He was at work.  He did work.  He did heal.  He did all He promised.  I'm learning if I can just wait 5, 3 or even 1 more minute for God to act, He will.  I can put my hope in Him. The Apostle Paul, writing His magnum opus to the Roman Church, had this to say about the kind of hope we have in Christ, 

And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Rom 5:3-5, HCSB)

During my meditation this morning on those who might be asking where God is, I got an image in my head: a new coffee can.  When you take off the top, there is a seal over it, locking in all the goodness.  It is only when you peel back that seal when you get the rush of beautiful, fresh coffee smell.  All the grounds are settled, undisturbed.  You can see and smell the goodness.

But it is under the surface.  You have to peel it back or you will never get to it.  That's how it is with God when we are in pain.  You have to remove the layer blocking us from His goodness.  You have to humble yourself before Him, coming to Him for healing.  You have to give Him your pain.  He will not despise but honor it. (Psalm 51:17)

Our pain, our hurt is the seal on the coffee can.  He is there waiting to be revealed under the layer of our brokenness.  This is the answer to the question of where is God when we are hurting.  

Once we peel back the layers, we discover the goodness of God and that He has been there with us all along.  

Remember one more thing: it's Holy Week.  It's a good time to take it all to the Cross because Christ has already been suffered for you!  And believe in His power to work out everything for your good - because you love Him and are called for His purposes!

Free Indeed

I won't go back again.
That's just not who I am.
Lord, I'm a brand new man.
I'm going free!

This song, "Jailbreak" by Vertical Church, was in my heart today as I left Texas Children's.  It was the first time I'd visited the hospital section in many months - maybe over a year.  I was bringing some items to a family in treatment with their 18 month old son - Asa.  In case you didn't know, Asa was a very godly king of Judah, way way back in the Old Testament days.  In fact, this family is such a power for the Gospel - the way they testify, the way they talk about the origin of their son's name.

They are practicing from the get-go what it took me well over 6 months of Sophia's treatment to learn: you can usher in the Kingdom of God wherever you are.  Including the 9th floor oncology ward of Texas Children's here in Houston.  INCREDIBLE FAITH.


It was clear to me before I ever went in that this was a big deal because I found a parking spot in the garage.  The first time I drove past, the garage was full.  Then the other was full, so I made an illegal u-turn (forgive me, Lord) and went back to the first one.  The sign no longer said full, so I pulled in.  Took me 1 full pass around the level but - oh!  Someone was coming out of the building and let me have their spot! Miracle!

I was so blessed to see this mother caring for her son.  He is just the most beautiful boy.  Ella blew him a kiss - the first time she's ever done that.  The future mother-in-law in me thought maybe he and Ella could get married one day, they are only 5 months apart in age, after all.  Silly, I know.  But mothers think about these things!

We talked for awhile, I'm not sure how long.  We talked a lot about God and I told her what I learned and some of what we experienced.  We bonded over all the broken communications between departments at the hospital.  I hope to hear from her again and gave her my information so we could keep in touch directly.

As I got in the car, I burst into tears.  You see, for years, I've been carrying the wounding of that season of suffering.  For 3 1/2 years, I've been carrying the heavy burden of my sorrow from that time.  I couldn't give it up.  I couldn't go back to Texas Children's without my stomach getting upset or talk about Sophia's situation without having to stuff my emotions down inside.

But today was different.  My stomach didn't bother me before, during or after.  I didn't have any tears to shed.  It was almost like what happened, happened to someone else.  No ignoring my feelings to get through it, no stuffing them deep down.  No willpower involved at all.  When I got back to my car, I realized what it was.

I am healed.

I am healed of all the emotional wounds, now scars, on my heart.  They are just no longer there.  The Lord told me I was free back in December, I wrote about it here.  But today was the final proof.  I am a living, breathing example of the verse:

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! (Isaiah 26:3)

My hands no longer shake as I type.  The anger, fear and anxiety no longer hold my mind and body captive.  I just don't have those emotions any more because Jesus broke their stranglehold.  

I cried not because of my pain but because the Holy Spirit confirmed His work today.  I cried because of the overwhelming gratitude I felt towards my Savior who saved me, once again.  So, please, mark your calendars: March 27, 2014 is the day I walked out of the prison of my emotions into the glorious sunlight of God's grace.  I'm not going back again.  The weather is far better out here.  That's just not who I am.

I am free.

I am free indeed.

You can be free too.  It takes the power that raised Christ for the dead to raise our hearts from the deaths of our dreams, expectations, circumstances and even death itself.  But I tell you, He holds the keys to death.  But He isn't a God of the dead.  He is the God of the Living because He is alive.  That power is available to anyone who asks and believes.  You will receive your healing and find your life again.  Turn your eyes upon Jesus..  

And mark your calendar.

A Word About F.A.I.T.H.

This week, I'm learning about faith.  I've had it for awhile.  I've written about it a few times.  Faith- in God - remains a tricky business.

I've come close to losing it once or twice.  I realize those times of stumbling are because I've allowed my circumstances or my feelings about a circumstance determine my view of the Lord.  I'm not talking about doubt, because I think doubt is healthy.  Doubt is a question that has an answer.

Losing faith - like a balloon slowly leaks air - is not an issue with God.  It is a human condition, like pain or suffering.  God never loses faith in us, but I can lose my faith in Him when I begin to see the world through the lens of what He has done for me lately.

I faced that one more time yesterday.

You've read here about how I have prayed, for months now, for Sophia's "spot" to be gone.  That spot is the only evidence, besides her port scar, she ever had cancer.  I know the Lord has removed that spot.  I prayed and I believe that to be true.

But that darn spot showed on the MRI.  It is still there.  Why?

I don't know.  I don't believe the doctor's know and they continue to keep saying it might always be there.  I know I have a choice on who and what to believe though.  So, I'm choosing to believe her complete healing has happened already and there will come a day, dear friends, when NOTHING will show up on those scans.  There will be a day when that spot is gone.

Yesterday wasn't that day and I'm fine with that.  Actually, I'm more than fine because I've passed the point of believing what I can see only with my eyes.  I am not letting evidence in the natural world dictate my beliefs.  I'm not letting the world tell me what is or isn't true because that is God's job. He is the Truth, so I'm not going to falter this time.  

My faith is not in what He has yet to do.

I can say with certainty part of this process the last few months has been to get here, where I'm not devastated when my prayer doesn't seem to be answered.  The Lord used this time to "grow me up" beyond believing in Him solely on the basis of results.  So, when I stand here and tell you that spot is gone, even though it still showed up on the MRI yesterday, I know it doesn't make sense.

I know it isn't logical.  I know what I'm saying does not compute.

Faith is as faith does. Or believes.

My faith is in God and His love for me, His promises, His character.  My faith is not in what God seemingly does or does not do.  It was a painful transition to make but made easier because my heart has been so filled with His love.  That's where I've camped out since last fall and I've realized something very important. The goal isn't Sophia being N.E.D. (no evidence of disease). 

What matters is whether or not I believe what God has told me even when the circumstances don't line up.

The scan looks like it contradicts God's promise of healing.  But I tell you it doesn't!  I (now) believe that God's Promises trump what we can see.  That is what the writer of Hebrews calls the essence of faith - believing in what we CAN'T SEE.  It's the reason why God's way are SUPERnatural.  They are higher, way higher, than what humans can comprehend.

As real as those scans are, and I cannot deny they are real, to use Reverend Sheepdog's words again, they do not have the last say on Sophia's life.  That's God's business.  As His child, my business is to be about my Father's business - so I will:

F.orward
A.ll
I.ssues
T.o
H.eaven

This is an issue/situation that is going straight up to Him.  Thank you to my precious friend who sent that to me via text yesterday.  I don't know all of God's reasoning.  I don't always understand His timing or His ways.  So until the day I do, I'll keep sending things up the line to Christ, Who is completely willing and able to handle them.  The burden leaves my shoulders when I do that.  That's what the Psalmist and the Apostle Peter say is casting my cares onto the Lord.

Besides, I know too much about God to lose faith in Him now.

I hope you were not disappointed by the results after praying with me for the spot to be gone. If you were, I hope this perspective helps.  I'm going to pledge to keep praying until such a time that He makes the supernatural reality known here in the natural.  I hope you will too and I want you to know, every prayer said for her/us is beyond precious.

Thank you so much, even though that feels completely inadequate.  My faith is encouraged by your prayers.  Love you dearest brothers and sisters in Christ!

The Doughnut - Sophia's Story Continues

Friday, Sophia had her scans.  At this point, I really should just say scan....no plural.  She is far enough out from treatment we've dropped the chest x-ray and a host of other tests. 

Praise God.

Of course, she was getting an MRI of her brain and orbits (i.e. eyes for you non-medical folks out there) so there were still lots of pictures to be taken.  Plus an MRI is like a thousand scans rolled into one, so I suppose I could leave in the plural if I wanted.

But I won't.

We will get the results I've been expecting for months on Tuesday at the visit with her oncologist.  After today's sermon, even as my faith in what God has promised began to shake a bit, I'm back believing full force in what my gut is telling me.

Any remaining scar/spot is gone.gone.gone.gone.gone.gone.gone.gone.gone.gone.

If you want to walk on water, get out of the boat.  Go towards Jesus.  If you sink, call for help.  Give Him something to work with, then walk back to the boat with Him on the water.  Once you climb back in with everyone else, the storm of doubt and fear will cease but you will be with Christ so it won't matter.   (Thanks to our Pastor, Christian Washington, for the booster shot against fear I will never forget.)

As a prelude to Tuesday, I wanted to share the experience of being with Sophia in the MRI room.  I've never been in there before because she's always been sedated, so a team attended her to make sure she kept breathing, etc.  This was clearly different from the get-go, especially when the anesthesiologist suggested we try it without sedation.  My eyebrows shot up then, knowing at that instant, God was there.  He'd prepped it all up, just like the Master Physician He is.

It started because the anesthesiologist and I couldn't agree how to sedate her (we've been through this close to twenty times, I know what I'm talking about now).  He busts out with trying it awake and basically talks himself out of a fee.  I was stunned but went with it.  Worst that could happen was we'd have to sedate her and do it all over again.

We were in there about 45 minutes and right when the machine cranked up, I knew we were in the Holy of Holies.  If you looked at us, there was nothing unusual, but if you've ever had a burning-bush-moment, you know what I mean.  We could not have been on more sacred ground.  I wanted to take our shoes off, but it would have disturbed Sophia if I moved around, and she had to stay absolutely still to get clear shots.

Which she did for 25 minutes.  Another miracle - a 7 year old laying there (without moving) for that length of time.  Can you do that?  I could not, let me say that out loud.  But for the kid who was the youngest ever to receive proton therapy radiation without sedation at 4 years old, 25 minutes with no movement was totally do-able.

The noises the machine made were so odd, loud and overwhelming.  Sophia did think they were scary (she told me later).

It was so strange - I could hear music in them.  I could hear all the different tones and notes in the mechanical cacophony.  It was remarkable, as my mind thought through what my spirit was experiencing.

To me, those noises were the voice of God, speaking into every fiber, telling me what was happening was so much bigger, so much larger, so much more eternal than I could even begin to understand.

Call me crazy, but I know God was speaking in the noises of that machine.

He told me I was in a sacred space, like the high priests of old.  He told me they would get what they would need, even if Sophia moved.  He told me He already answered my prayers and the prayers of so many.

He told me cancer has no place in our lives.

I wish every mother who has "scan-xiety" could experience this.  How different would their experience be if they could embrace the Holy Spirit in His chosen instruments?  Oh, I doubt many would chose an MRI machine, but that's the wonder of the Lord.  He uses stuff that doesn't make sense. 

While I was in there - this verse from Isaiah 64:4 came up:

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.  (Isaiah 64:4)

 It was such a gift to be given: to perceive and hear the voice of God in "the doughnut," (the machine's nickname) as I waited.  It goes against logic, I realize. 

This faith in Christ defies logic.  It flies in the face of fear, doubt and everything else I've ever heard about what Sophia's life could be like.  I know too much not to believe God.  That doesn't mean I'm not walking around with an urge to cross my fingers, but like my pastor said, I've got to give Jesus something to work with.

So I am.  I am trusting in I AM.  He's all I got and He's all I need.  I heard it from His mouth, or rather in the scary noises of the doughnut.  I know He is acting on behalf me, because I've waited.

Tuesday morning, 9:45 am.  Keep praying, we will all witness a(nother) miracle.

Sophia's Cancer - A BUT GOD Story

I realized something yesterday.  It was a major revelation about Sophia's cancer.  The thing about seasons of suffering, the lessons don't always come immediately.  The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, uses ordinary days to drop bombs of understanding into your mind.  I was with the girls at swim lessons when it happened, so you just never know when a daisy-cutter of divine wisdom is going to hit.

First, because you stood by us during Sophia's cancer treatment, I want to share this very personal element of my recent prayer life with you.  I've been praying for several months now (with an extra-helping of faith from the Holy Spirit) that the "spot" or scar from her tumor, will be gone.  Actually, I've been praying that from her diagnosis.  But lately, I've been praying it will be gone by her next round of scans - in January. 

You can not imagine how hard it is for me to write this to you.  My hands are shaking as I type.  I am beyond doubt, but saying it out loud, on the internet, for the whole world to read when I've barely admitted to anyone requires a level of faith that is breath-taking.  It is only in His strength I can keep typing.

I got up early this morning to pray and study, as usual, but the Lord led me to go lay down with Sophia.  She's been a parenting challenge for me lately, another rough edge the Lord is smoothing out.  I didn't want to drop my regularly scheduled plans with Him for time with her, but I did and it was sweet. 

(When are sleeping children NOT sweet?)

Listening to her breathe, my thought from yesterday came back.  Whatever you want to call him: the enemy, Satan, the devil, the Accuser...he meant to use cancer to kill my daughter.

I don't know why it's taken so long for me to grasp this.  In our first meeting with her oncologist, over three years ago, she told us they don't know why kids get cancer.  Well, duh!!  Jesus and Peter knew over two-thousand years ago.  They said Satan is a thief and a lion, respectively.  Thieves steal and lions kill.  My girl, like every precious little one, has a great, Godly purpose in her future.  And the enemy wanted nothing more than to stamp it out early.  He wanted her dead!

That makes me SO mad.  Wait for it though, there is a but coming.

In Scripture, especially in Paul's letters, you see the words: But God.  It denotes a transition into timeless, eternal truth about our Father, who is large and in charge.  There are many But God's in my life, perhaps none bigger than Sophia.  What the enemy meant for death, God not only brought back to life, He restored.  He gave her perfect health, she doesn't even have the allergies she had before her diagnosis and zero eye problems.

What a gift!  What a miracle!  I don't know why He did it for us but not for others.  I just know that she is marked by cancer no longer.  To that end, I claim her spot is gone and God is using this time between revealing it in the natural to get me ready.  Ready, for when the doctor walks in with an astonished look on her face saying, "It's gone.  We never thought it would go away completely because that isn't what these tumors do.  But it's gone."

Then I will praise the Lord.  Then I will tell her how I prayed.  Then I will tell her that Jesus loves her.

Mixed with my fear, in fact, greater than my fear, is assurance.  That's what faith is, according to the writer of Hebrews.  Faith is the assurance of things we don't yet see.  It's confidence in Christ, in whom I've placed all my hope. (Hebrews 11:1)

This world has many cancers.  There is, clearly, cancer of the body.  There are also cancers of the mind, of the heart and of the spirit.  Our enemy uses them to destroy us.  He doesn't want us to live out God plans. 

BUT GOD.

It is not God's desire for anyone to walk around diseased and broken, in any area of life.  Jesus came to save the sick!  I am more convinced than ever God wants only good for us because that is what He is - GOOD.  Sometimes, like in Sophia's case, we have to wait to see it.  It takes time in the natural realm to reveal what He has already accomplished.

All suffering with any type of cancer of body, mind, heart or spirit is not what the Lord intends.  We struggle so much with why He lets it happen, why bad things happen to good people, or if it is punishment for our sins.

Let me just clear that up.  Bad things are the exerted will of the enemy to kill us, destroy our faith and annihilate our purposes in God.

I'm tired of seeing him win.  I'm tired of giving him that power, in any area of my life, but especially when it comes to my children.  What the enemy means for harm, God transforms into good.  (Gen 50:20)  The Lord uses these bad things to save many lives.  I know people were saved into faith, or greater faith, by Sophia's story.

Her story is not finished.  For now, I'm waiting on another chapter to be completed so I say that the enemy can't have our kids.  He can't have us, we are already spoken for.

I don't know what kind of physical, mental or spiritual cancer you or someone you love is suffering with today, but I know Jesus is more than willing to heal.  I know it is available only in Him.  I hope you will ask the Holy Spirit to help you believe, so you can go forward in the power of His love for you.  I want you to have unexplainable joy in the middle of your circumstances, like we did and continue to have.  Whatever you are facing, hold on to one thing today, no matter what anyone tells you.  When you are in Christ, He writes the story and your story isn't finished. 

It will be a happy ending.  Just remember Sophia and remember BUT GOD.

Comfort Kit (a.k.a. Chemo Kit) - 3 year Reboot

You ever have one of those idea that you think is a good one, but you don't exactly know how or where it is going to go?  Nearly three years ago - thanks to my dear friend and (fast) running partner, Christa Pryor, I had one.  I was complaining, as I often did/do to her, that there was just not enough material support for newly diagnosed patients at TCH.  I felt like I should have been given a list of easily attainable items that upon meeting with our oncologist, she would have handed me.  Then I wouldn't have felt so lost, out of control.

I know now I would have felt lost and out of control no matter what she'd told me.  But in my rant, I told her there were some essentials that really would have helped us  (ok, me) as we prepared for the long haul of treatment.  Even then, a trip to the Target would have soothed my soul in a season of constant chaos.

I can't believe just two months after Sophia was diagnosed, I published this post about "Chemo Kits."  I can tell by reading it I was desperate to contribute something.  Anything. Since then, I've consulted with groups wanting to put these kits - now called Comfort Kits - together.  I've put more than 15 together myself.  So, the list can be tweaked from the original. 

It's been a real blessing to pay forward the love we received during Sophia's treatment and incredible to see how different people will use this small idea to bless others.  The items in the kits seem so simple and you can generally get most of them at the Dollar Store (including the basket). When someone comes up along side to gift you with useful tools for your journey, it can make all the difference in the world.  I know that as the truth!

If I can help you in any way - putting one together for a loved one, or assist a group you are involved with in getting these ready for donation - please email me at amysvogel@hotmail.com.  I love to be involved as well as pray for people fighting cancer!

Basic Ingredients:
Medium size basket
Travel size Purell
Travel size Kleenex
Travel size hand wipes or baby wipes
Travel size brush
Travel size toothbrush & toothpaste
Moisturizer & Chapstick - hospitals are dry and some chemos can dry out your skin and lips.
Notebook & Folder - for writing down what doctors & nurses say, appointments, etc. and tracking all the paperwork you get
Box of Pens - cause you never have one when you need one
Activity books - such as crossword puzzles, Sudko, Word Finds, etc.  (I vary this based on age, for younger kids, I often include small stuffed animals and toys.)
Copy of Rober J. Morgan's The Red Sea Rules - a book I read while Sophia was in treatment.  It really speaks to the heart of someone in a crisis.
Pocket Size New Testament
Reusable Water Bottle
Pack of Gum, Mints, Lifesavers or Hard Candies - Your breath can turn sour from some chemos plus it helps stimulate salivation, thereby appetite.  Most cancer patients have weight loss issues so this can help "trick" the body into thinking about eating anyways. 
"Great Expectations" Note - A letter of encouragement and advice on the process (can be from me or you)

Other items to consider:
Ingredients for "Magic Mouthwash": (Best kept secret in oncology.)  Children's Liquid Allergy Medicine (has to be liquid) + Maalox.  Mix 2.5 ml or so of each together and swish in your mouth, as well as gargle if you can.  Do that several times a day.  It numbs mouth ulcers and helps heal them very quickly.  Much better than the saltwater oncology mouthwash they give you at first.  (Got this recipe the hard way: Thanksgiving Day 2010 Sophia couldn't eat/swallow because the ulcers were so bad.  This cocktail is what the on-call oncologist at TCH suggested.)
Straws and "Ensure" like drinks: Cancer patients can have a hard time swallowing, so if they can sip on something that will give them some calories but won't overload their system, so much the better.  And sometimes water gets old.
Granola/Protein Bars: Caregivers forget to take care of themselves, so having a stash of these will help both them and the patient in case food isn't readily available.
Parking Chips - Helps with one of the out-of-pocket expenses of patients and caregivers
Gift Cards - Target, Walmart, Pizza Hut, iTunes, Starbucks, McDonald's, etc.
Aquafor - Best for a patient getting radiation.  Helps coat and protect the skin from the burns.

Yes, My Kid Had Cancer

As of today, Sophia hit her 2nd anniversary of the declaration of remission.  For those of you outside the cancer world, that's not really anything official.  It marks the day she finished her treatment, and how long she has been without cancer.  To look at her now, you would never know she is a walking miracle.  She is an awesome, precocious seven-year old.  She is taller than more than 80% of kids her age.  She is wickedly smart, stubborn, very loving and very thoughtful.  I have never met anyone like her.  She is completely unique.  She got some of her dad and some of me, but for the most part, she is completely unique.  She is Sophia - only one name required.

She got her ears pierced on Tuesday.  That in itself is something to celebrate because 2 years ago, she couldn't.  She was deathly afraid of needles for one, but there was immuno-suppression and blood counts to consider.  She handled it very well and is SO pleased.  I am so proud of her.  Yep, we are all growing up.

She will continue to get scans every four months for another year - then every six months; then every year for a long time.  This anniversary marks the time we were no longer bound all the work that surrounds fighting cancer.  On this day, our lives suddenly became about finding what "normal" meant again, after such an intense season.

It is an emotional anniversary.  It's happy and it's sad.  Part of me (still) wishes she never had cancer.  I had a moment of panic on Tuesday when they found a trace amount of blood in her urine (but that could happen for a lot of reasons.)  They will keep watching it because even though she is out of the danger zone of relapse; they still have to watch for late-effects of the chemo she received.

I know without a doubt that the Lord worked through and in her.  He definitely carried all of us.  What was meant for evil, God meant for good (Genesis 50:20).  I read this from a fellow cancer survivor's Mom on Thursday, about her son Cole, and it echoes my thoughts:

But he (always has a) never ending smile and is happy go lucky attitude with the life he has been given he will go far. His battle may have been short but the side effects of cancer are with him the rest of his life. He knows that to be a true survivor you have to not only physically beat cancer but mentally beat it as well.

Sophia is there - she is a survivor in every sense of the word.

When you ask me about it, I know I make a funny face.  I don't mourn per say but I do look back.  It's like my brain fingers the scar of a long-healed wound.  The scar is always there and I'm grateful for it.  It reminds me of how big my God is, even if it isn't the happiest of memories.

I wrote on Monday about overcoming my fear.  It is a battle I will face - whether it's another year or when she is 27.  I want this behind her, but that is a process we have to walk out.  I am so thankful for all the support we continue to have and the ministry to others He has given us.  Sophia continues to be the proof for me (and so many) that God still works in this world and He definitely listens to prayer.  That is the first and greatest lesson I learned.  It is rooted deep in my heart and no matter how I feel in the moment, He and His love never change.  So, for those that are still fighting their own battles, I want you to know something.

Yes, my kid had cancer.  Yes, it was really tough.  But God was with us.  He is with you and will carry you . Depend on Him, ask Him for wisdom and follow His direction.  He will not lead you astray.  Prayer works.  In the end, all that matters is not the fight but the victory - all that you will gain from this season.  Keep going and as we like to say in the pediatric cancer world: NEGU (Never Ever Give Up.)

The verse on the back of our Team Sophia shirts is really poignant, so I'll end with it.  I hope it spurs you on to keep going with God, wherever He is taking you.  Don't get weary because your harvest is coming, friend.  I know it.

So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.  (Galatians 6:9, NLT)