2015 - The Year of Prayer - Catching Up

From my last post (you can read it here), you would rightly guess I consider tears as prayers at the moment.  If Jesus holds out a one-of-a-kind bottle to catch each one of our tears, that He considers them priceless - so valuable to shed His own blood (even tears of blood) - then I will consider them my glorious sacrifice.

Today is a roller coaster.  I woke up feeling great and was a little concerned I felt so good.  I knew at 10 am, my Mom, my brother and I were to meet to put the remaining pieces into my Dad's niche at St. Luke's UMC's columbarium before they seal it. 

Contents of my Dad's niche

This is where his ashes will be and my Mom will eventually be next to him (although hilariously enough, she doesn't remember if it is the right or the left side).  I even forgot to tell Dave about our meeting.  I was to visit a friend after and then have lunch with another, so I focused on the positive and frankly, felt awesome.

Then as I was driving there, I felt the lead ball form in my stomach.  It is real, it is happening and I'm going to have to deal with it.

I could feel it coming as we stood there looking at his cremains.  A small wave of tears broke on the way to my first visit.  Fortunately I was able to get a hold of a friend.  I just couldn't be alone in the car.  I'm so thankful he answered because it got me through.  I held it together until later when I nearly broke down grocery shopping.

That's when the tidal wave of grief hit me full force in the face.

I shouldn't have been driving because I was crying so hard.  In that moment, as much as I wanted to call someone, I knew it would forestall the inevitable.  I knew this pain would pass but I needed to let it in.  I had to hurt for the hurt to pass.

I am sure everyone could tell when I went into school to get Ella.  It's pretty obvious, even with the waterproof mascara I remembered to put on this morning (THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT), when I cry.  Ridiculously obvious. 


I've said a lot of popcorn prayers for folks today but mostly I just let my tears speak for themselves.  Jesus wept (John 11:35).  He knows.  I didn't feel any tangible presence of God in those moments but the fact that twice today, at my lowest, the Mercy Me song, "I Can Only Imagine" came on KSBJ, I knew He was with me.  He was reminding me where my Dad is and what he might be doing.  That speaks volumes of God's love and care for me.

Really, my prayer today is not very profound: Lord, This Just Sucks.

I know I'm a writer and a prayer warrior and supposedly this spiritual leader, so I should probably come up with something much more impactful (which my brother pointed out when I said it at the grave site).  But for this moment, it is my truth: THIS REALLY STINKS.  This is my prayer, this is what I'm living.

Everyone has moments like this, leaders are not exempted.  Everyone has those moments or days when we just put our heads in our hands and tell God - in words, thoughts or tears - how much something sucks.  Life on this fallen earth just does sometimes.  And we, in the Body of Christ, need to be available in those moments.  We need to have the openness and authenticity to stand by someone at their lowest, wrap our arms around them if possible, and just agree.  Agree it sucks and don't try and make it any better for a minute.  There will be time for that but take me at my word when I tell you, the pain has to be felt so it will subside.

I'm so glad I am surrounded by people who do that and who I can do it for.

As I posted on FaceBook this morning, I will end this day, this not-completely-but-in-a-few-ways-pretty-crappy day, being grateful.  I'll leave you with the chorus to the song I'm listening to, "Shepherd," from Amanda Cook on Bethel's You Make Me Brave Album.

You will lift my head above the mighty waves.
You are able to keep me from stumbling.
In my weakness, You are the strength that comes from within.
Good Shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on.

Help Me With My Half-Belief

I went to a Book of Acts level house-church service last night.  That's the only way I can describe it.  Last week, a dear, sweet sister-friend of mine gave me a couple of books she felt would really speak into me during this season of my life.  She was right-on.  As I read them, I became aware that I needed her and a few others to pray the Father's tender love into me.

(As I texted her this morning - I would have needed that gentle refilling anyway.  I didn't realize how much I was weary in doing good.  The signs were there but my Dad's death showed me with alarming clarity that I was doing so much in my own strength.  The wound was there.  My Dad's passing just made the hole that much larger.)

So, we set it up.  No one really knew, even Sarah and I, what to expect.  When you turn everything over to God, He shows up in totally unexpected and fantastic ways.  It was better than we could have imagined even if we'd tried.  For me personally, I was able to grieve in the comforting arms of my heart family (everyone needs people like this....where you can be totally walls down...it is what Christianity is really all about.)  I entered into the story of Mary and Martha meeting Jesus after Lazarus' death.  I went there with all the pain and anguish of losing my Dad, which I'd not really touched deeply since he passed.  They laid loving hands on me as I cried on their knees.  Sarah anointed my head with pomegranate oil as I washed Jesus' feet with my tears.

Following that (there was so much more to come even though that release would have been enough), I was knocked over by the power of God so I could receive the light and warmth of the re-filling/overfilling of Christ's love for me.

After that (yes, still more), they prayed the heaviness off of me: those burdens I've carried for 3 long weeks (and truly longer).  THEN AFTER THAT (yep, still more), we took communion together.  It was just otherworldly.  I have never experienced the Body and Blood of Christ in a way that literally changed me from the inside out.  Warmth spread over my chest in a physical reflection of His love.  I could breath more freely than I have in weeks (and possibly ever). That feeling has yet to leave me and I pray it never does.  Jesus showed me, in a physical way, His burden is SO MUCH LIGHTER THAN MY OWN. (Matthew 11:27-28).

Then (still going) we laughed and praised and danced and celebrated in the joy of the Lord like total IDIOTS.  My cheeks cramped and my abs are sore today from laughing so hard.  We continued to pray and share until it was finally time to go home.  I fell asleep with the lightness and warmth in my heart and a smile on my face.

I know that's a long story but I share it for one reason: to let you know what is possible with God.  When my friend Cindi and I were driving home, we were discussing her vision.  She (literally) saw angels around the crown molding in the room.  Sarah then, a few minutes later, saw the trumpets the angels held.  They didn't just see it with spiritual sight.  THEY ACTUALLY SAW THEM.

There's a part of our minds that wants to write things like that off, even though you know they are real.  You question what you are seeing and lean into it couldn't be real; you are making it all up inside your head.  Our flesh wants to write it off.  Why? A lot of reasons, but I think mostly because we don't want people to think we are crazy and it doesn't make sense.  The supernatural is hard to process because it is well...not natural.

What do you think would happen, though, if we stopped questioning so much?  Most people I know aren't prone to hallucinations.  They are rational and lucid, so experiencing things like what happened to us last night - can and does happen.  I have to wonder - what if it isn't our faith we have to suspend but rather our skepticism about God and what He will do? 

This is not a new question.  Eric Metaxas recently released an excellent exposition on the miraculous (simply called Miracles.  I highly recommend).  C.S. Lewis explored their possibility in one of his books (also simply titled Miracles, which I'm about to read).  Believing in the supernatural wonders of God is not a new question, but it is the one us Western-educated people seem to struggle with the most.  We find the struggle in Scripture, too, of course.

It's the same question Jesus posed to the father of the possessed boy in Mark 9.  The Complete Jewish Bible translates verse 23 as:  What do you mean, 'if you can'? Everything is possible to someone who has trust!  Eugene Peterson's The Message puts that verse like this: If?  There are no 'ifs' among believers.  Anything can happen!

The father responds with faith - or rather what I would call half-faith. As Cindi and I talked last night, a thought came to me.  It isn't really unbelief or true doubt.  We can't imagine what is possible because we've never seen it.  Even though Scripture tells us to walk by faith and not by sight, we are still very, very visual creatures.  Really I should say sensual; by which I mean we experience this world through our 5 senses.

Yet, God consistently asks us to step out of what we can touch, taste, see, hear and feel.  For those that do, we are rewarded with richer, fuller faith.  He did say those who believe and don't see would be blessed (John 20:29).  The Lord God made us for tangible experiences, even as He is intangible.  So, in faith, or should I say, by faith alone, we are to trust when we step out into blank space, He will catch us by providing the foundation to land on.

It's hard.  I know.  Even seeing what I've seen, it is still hard to come out of my own head.  I want to know what to expect.  I want to know what He is going to do.  That's just not the way He works.  So, it is easier to stay in my lane, expecting nothing or (worse) what has happened before.  This is the Creator we are talking about though.  If no two snowflakes are the same, why would His answers to prayer be the same?

I looked up the Greek word in Mark 9:24 for "unbelief."  A lack of belief isn't completely accurate - it is better to say lack of faithfulness or "want of faith."  The boy's father clearly had enough faith to come to Christ, so for that reason alone, I can say he clearly had some faith. 

Still, his challenge, and the challenge to us, is to believe in God's choice of the way to work, rather than our own understanding or choosing of the way things work (Proverbs 3:4-5).  The Lord set the laws of the universe into motion and, generally speaking, works within that known order.  However, He doesn't have to - or more realistically - our knowledge of the laws that govern our existence are still (even with all the advances and technology) impartial at best.  If anything, our discoveries show us how little we actually do know.  

So, Jesus is asking the father - and us - to stop limiting Him.  Stop expecting to know what He is able to do.  Stop trying to guess how He will work, or worse, tell Him what He should do.  He wants us, as His children, to humbly come, expecting He is going to do something - and it will be better and more complete than what we could dream up.

I close with the boundaries of my limits being pushed.  Here's my version of Mark 9:23: Just come with Me.  Just go with what I am doing.  I can do anything.  Do you believe Me?

And after last night - this is my new response: I believe Lord....help me stop half-believing and fully trust You can and will do abundantly more than I can ask or think or expect.

The Words of God

I have no record of the best artistic piece I've ever created.  It truly was a miracle, primarily because I possibly have a negative amount of hands-on creative ability.  My house looks decently decorated because I can arrange photos and think up ways things look nice together.  But vision and design - and the hardest part - implementation of that vision and design - allude me completely. 

Maybe that's why I liked this little playdoh statue I made so much.  Not only was it actually pretty
good, but it dealt with words, specifically, C.S. Lewis' creative interpretation of how the Lord spoke the universe into being.  We know those first words - LET THERE BE LIGHT - from Genesis.  Lewis, in the Chronicles of Narnia: The Magician's Nephew presents that "speaking" in a most unique way.  He intimates that Aslan - the God/Christ figure in his Narnian universe - sang creation into being.

In the darkness something was happening at last.  A voice had begun to sing…it seemed to come from all directions at once…Its lower notes were deep enough to be the voice of the earth herself.  There were no words.  There was hardly even a tune.  But it was beyond comparison, the most beautiful noise he had ever heard.  It was so beautiful Digory could hardly bear it. (p. 62)

Creation starts not truly with words our ears could hear but in tunes we can feel; tones and notes so beautiful you think you might actual die from the experience of hearing them.  My brilliant clay sculpture was my version this Great Lion singing, with his wide, ferocious mouth forming a "O," that one Sunday night in Bible Study, ten (or more) years ago. 

(This was before the days of smartphones, dear children, so I couldn't document it.  I know it hurts your head to think of the dark, dreadful and seemingly complicated days your parents grew up in, when they didn't have easy access to everything.)

It lives on in my memory and, of course, in my pride.

Perhaps that is why I acquiesced to my mother's wish for a doctor in the family when I chose my major in college: Pre-Med.  Creation, especially the intricate ways the human body works together (99% of the time without us even being aware it is WORKING) is completely fascinating.  It's beautiful, exquisite in it's rhythms.  It is marvelous and majestic that I sit here breathing, thinking and typing.  It ranks as one of the most fantastic miracles of all time.

I'm a little philosophically poetic today, for some reason.  I digress.

The Words of God - and truly the Living Word of God (the Logos...that is Jesus Christ Himself) - are very important in our spiritual development.  Just over a month ago, as I was reading the first chapter of John, when the Lord bubbled something up in my spirit about the words He speaks into our lives.  All of these words come from THE WORD, meaning Christ, via His Spirit. 

Parenthetically - it is important to note all words we receive, from natural or supernatural sources, should actively be held up against the light of Truth - the full context of the Bible - as well as experience and feeling.  Sometimes that's obvious and sometimes it requires playing hide and seek for awhile until you get the confirmation.  Either way, that's fundamental Christian living - the balance of biblical knowledge and spiritual experience. We are people of Spirit and Truth, after all.

Back to beginning of August - I'm reading about Christ as The Logos and I get an idea we should be asking more regularly for God to speak - and speak specifically - in a word we can understand.  It's not a foreign idea, I've been asking for rhema words of knowledge and wisdom for awhile, but this was the first time the idea of these words having a category came to me.

Picture an org chart: Jesus is at the top as the Ultimate and Final Revealed Word of God but underneath Him are 3 subsets of words we can be asking Him for: creation, incarnate and resurrection words.

When I prayed on this idea (and you pray on it too, again, confirmation is key) the thoughts started to percolate some more.

Creation Words are those words God speaks into you/your life that create something out of nothing.  For instance, where a calling did not exist in your mind/heart/life before, suddenly it is there.  Or maybe where there were no funds in the bank, you receive an unexpected check in the mail.  Even more dramatically, where there no baby in your womb yesterday, now you are pregnant.

Creation words bring beauty and hope.  They spring up from nothing, just as our universe sprang up from the mouth of God all those millennium ago.  Where there were was no light, dirt, rivers, mountains, birds, mosquitoes, bananas or even people before, now there is.  Cool, huh? 

Incarnation Words are those words that help us know more about Jesus - Who He is and what He does.  We find a lot of these words in Scripture, but I believe He can give us more.  You could probably describe your best friend in 3 words but would that encompass all he or she really is? 

Incarnation words also tell us who we are in Christ.  They reveal more of Him and as a result, more of our identity and ability as Christians.  They are words we are to lean into when we start to slip or get confused or even as the enemy tries to trick us into believing lies.  They are words we can stake our faith on, and in fact, as in the case of Philippians 2:6-11, they are doctrinal.  Stay with me....

(Finally, of course) Resurrection Words are those words of desperate hope, faith and peace only Jesus, in the power of the Holy Spirit, can speak.  These are words that bring dead dreams, emotions, situations and, yes, even people back to life.  God alone has the final word on everything, so it stands to reason, if He wants something living that is dead - He can and will do it.  The Resurrection of Jesus is what gives our faith credibility and power.  If it didn't happen, our faith is smoke.  BUT IT DID HAPPEN!!!  As a result, we can count on things coming back from the brink of death and beyond, when that meets His plan and purposes.

These are words we can't speak ourselves.  We don't have the capacity in our humanity.  It is only the divinity given to us by faith that makes these kinds of words possible - even desirable - to us.  They move us forward and bring light into our darkness - just as the WORD's First Word brought light into the void. 

I see there are other categories of words I haven't touched on (or experienced yet).  Another I thought of while typing: Salvation Words.  Those are words that save what is lost, make the broken whole and complete.  These are the words that bring wayward children home, rescue us from our slimy pits and put a fine robe on us so we can go to the party hand in hand with our loving Father.  I definitely think that ties into the Person of Christ - into Incarnation - because Jesus' name means The Lord Saves....to the utmost.  His life and death prove it. 

I don't know what kind of word or words you need spoken, prayed or even sung into your soul today, but I pray you get them.  I pray He changes you with these words, by the power of His Word, in Spirit and (of course) in truth.  He delights to give them.  I think He is talking constantly and we are the ones who have to slow down, turn down the volume of our thoughts enough to hear Him.

He is there for the having and these words are here for the taking.  I hope you don't pass them up!

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 28 and 29 - Catch Up Post

This summer has been spanking my "regular" schedule.  Really, in summer time, with 3 kids at home, there is no "regular."  But the last 2 weeks have been particular out of the norm, as we've been on vacation and extremely busy when home.  I didn't even lead our URPrays meeting last Wednesday - SHOCKER!

(Moseka Medlock, my lead prayer partner in the Upper Room did a fantastic job.  Too bad she doesn't follow this blog, I'll have to tell her later about how I'm going to take advantage of her love for Wednesday night prayer more often in the coming year.  ;))

My last post described a Wednesday night where the Lord gave me more freedom.  These last 2 weeks have been a lesson in walking that out.  Before, if my regular devotion routine was different, I would struggle against guilt.  Now I know the guilt is gone.  I got the time in the last 2 weeks to do "living prayer," where I prayed wherever I was.  It was a really neat experience because it confirmed what was spoken over and into me that night.

I hear from the Lord.  I know Him.  He knows me.  He is always with me.  I am never disconnected from His Spirit because His Spirit is on the inside.  I am valuable to Him and to His people, wherever I am.

Experiencing God not something I have to earn because I got up early and sat down to be quiet.  He is always available.  I knew this, but because I was so wrapped in insecurity, doubt was fostered, so I have always struggled with mentally accepting it.  I knew it in my heart but my head didn't believe it.  So, by practicing centering on Him, wherever I was, talking (mostly silently...which has also been a stretch for me, to believe I'm praying with power when not speaking) about whatever was happening or on my mind.....The Lord and I got just that much closer.

On the beach playing with my family, He was with me.

Cooking meals and cleaning up, He was with me.

In the morning before I got out of bed, He was there.

At night when I was dead tired, He was there.

Anytime......He was, is and will always be there for me.

I read parts of Psalm 139 this morning, in which King David describes this whole concept.  This is my version of it:

You have searched me.  You know me.  You see me wherever I am, in whatever I'm doing.  You know what I am going to say before I say it.  He protect and keep me, holding me, making me safe and secure in Your care and compassion.

I seek You again, so You can sort-through me, soaking into me, renewing me.  Anything that offends You, remove from my heart, mind, soul and life.  Let me continue to walk the love-lighted path, being made more fully alive in You.  Renew the best of You in me.

Things got back to semi-regular status this weekend and I am grateful for it.  I'm grateful for the time away because there is just nothing quite like coming home - to our home and our church home. I'm continually grateful and finding that is the key to unlocking the Presence to flood my heart and mind again. 

There is still much to pray for.  Our world needs our prayers more than ever.  God's people need hope and direction or they will continue to wander in the wilderness.  I am called and you are called to roll up our sleeves and do our part.

But thankfully, He also calls off to far-away places, for refreshing and restoration.  I got that, praise God.  I'm ready to work again. 

2015: The Year of Prayer, Week 26

If you went to church with me last week, you might have seen me trying hard not to come apart during this song. Never heard it before but sometimes, the Lord comes upon me unexpectedly like that.  When that happens, your very spirit shifts.  Like tectonic plates moving around, an earthquake happens - in your soul, mind, body and ultimately in your life.

This song is called "Good Good Father" by Housefires.  I've listened to it about 49 times (that's 7 times per day if anyone is counting) in the last week.  To the point where my husband, every time he sees me with my earbuds in and tears streaming down my face says, "You are listening to that song again."

Deep within me I have been unsettled for most, if not all, of my life.  I've struggled against insecurity in every imaginable way.  It drove to me success in business but that's not a good thing I realize now.  Over two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and had enough of insecurity - especially about the way I look - running roughshod over my heart and mind.  I just got sick of living from that place anymore...by myself.  I don't want to think badly of myself or steel myself as I go to look in the mirror.  I want to see and feel the connection to how others see me.  My body image issues are only just a symptom of a much deeper problem: I don't love what God created....me.

Yet, that is the core of this song.  It is the crux of our new life in Christ.  It is what the Apostle Paul was saying in Romans 8 (I think I need to memorize the whole chapter): Don't live the old way.  Live the new way, bought with a price and it lasts forever.  Please God, not just yourself or anyone else.

One of the things that struck me as I've listened to this song so much is......this must be what Jesus' prayer time was all about.  You read over and over and over again that He often escaped the crowds and His Disciples to go off to "lonely places" and pray.  (That's probably from the King James version).  And I've always wondered.....

What did Jesus pray about when it was just Him and His Abba?

Jesus came to meet His Father to remember Who He was and to be Beloved.  The world, even His closest friends, ran roughshod over His heart and mind too.  So, when it was just the two of them, Father and Son, I have no doubt it was not just face-to-face like Moses.  There had to be a deeper connection.  To me, Jesus' personal "quiet time" as we like to call it had to have been the most contemplative heart prayer ever.  I believe it was the real-time, whole-self integration of Him and God.  When I listen to this song....it defines for me Jesus' personal prayer life....and I realized this week it can be my personal prayer life too.

Jesus prayed all kinds of prayers - He is our model for prayer after all.  And I lead a church prayer ministry, which is continuing to grow and expand.  I pray often for others and with all different types of prayers.  But more and more, in my own early morning time, it is VERY contemplative.  Sometimes so much centering is going on, I fall asleep...till I hear someone else wake up (then sort of scramble to look like I was "in prayer" and not just knocked out.)

(Come to think of it, I wonder if that time when Jesus was asleep on the boat during that really bad storm was after some centering/contemplative prayer....I look forward to asking Him about that someday.....among many other things!!)

My guess is Jesus needed this prayer time as much as I do because it is the only way to recharge after pouring out.  And He lived perfectly!  I don't.....AT ALL. I love the way Paul describes it in another letter,

 For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim or blurred reflection of reality as in a riddle or enigma, but then, when the perfection comes, we shall see in reality and face to face!  Now I know in part (imperfectly) but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood, by God. (1 Cor 13:12)

We know imperfectly, in part, incompletely.  During this year of prayer, I keep coming face to face with that fact nearly every week (if not every day).  There are major limiters to my knowledge, gifting, love and ability.  Yet God, Who is Perfect Now, knows me perfectly now.  There is no shortage in His knowledge, even though there is shortage in mine.  I believe that better than anyone else ever has, Jesus lived from this place, when He walked the earth, of being fully known and loved by God.  And I've been living from my short-hand knowledge, not the fully, free-flowing script of God's love.  All my attention has been on how I come up short, not the completeness of the God I serve.

But no longer.  I no longer choose to live from the place of my lack.  I don't want to pray in a grasping, unsure way.  I want to rest and let it flow as it comes - whether that is in word, song or just silence.  What keeps getting me though is that God's love is perfect....all of His Ways are perfect.  And His perfect love loves us completely even when we are completely imperfect!

It's love so undeniable I can hardly speak.
It's peace so unexplainable I can hardly think.
As you call me....deeper still.
Into love...love...love..

Courtesy of Rev Christian Washington

Some folks turn their noses up at contemplative prayer practices, saying they are only about the individual.  I agree when contemplation doesn't turn into conversion, conviction or connection with others.  I think Jesus went to those lonely places in His heart where He could open Himself up and let all the weights, cares and burdens of being the Messiah fall away - and as they fell, He was fully restored and empowered to live His mission.  It was after that communion He could walk with such power, forgiveness, strength and humility.  He could do the Father's work because He had the Father's heart - for Himself and others.  Such is the place I want to learn to live from.....that I'm starting to learn to live from.  Soaking up the goodness of my Good Good Father and going back to that well whenever the need arises.

What if we all started to live from that place? 

You are a Good Good Father...
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You....
It's who I am.

It's a revolutionary thought.  If we stopped trying to do what Jesus did, never quite measuring up and rest in being fully known....then we could really let Him work through us.  It wouldn't be hard, stuff would just happen.  It's promised that way.

You are perfect in all of Your ways....to us.

A Surrender Prayer - In Case You Need It

A friend of mine, who only 6 or so weeks ago, was delivered in our Wednesday night "after party" prayer meeting from 28 years of bitterness into fullness of the Spirit, gave me some good advice on Wednesday night.  She asked me if I write down my prayers.  Not typically, I told her.  She encouraged me to start and that thought stuck with me.  As I was praying on Friday morning, I felt led to write down just what I was praying.  I was surrendering my day to the Lord - my time, effort and energy.  I hadn't done that for a few days, as I've been off my "regular" routine since school let out. 

This prayer was the result and I'm surprised at the ground it covers.  (That's how I know the Spirit was the One doing the talking.  I'm not this detailed, friends!)  As Natalie would say, it's a long prayer.  (I'm not sure I really pray anything but long prayers in her mind.)  Whether you pray this prayer, parts of it or come up with your own, whether the prayers are long or short, doesn't matter.  Praying is the main thing.

I do like to visualize my prayers this way: as if I'm putting a gift box with a need or a name in it, directly into the Lord's hands; for Him to open and He always does, delighted to receive them.  I like to think truly humble prayers make God feel like a kid on Christmas morning.

Any way you slice it, I hope this prayer blesses you, as the process of creating it and this post has me!  And I hope it moves you closer to the heart of God.

Oh Great and Mighty King, You reign and rule over all - missing nothing.  You see and You hear.  You respond.  Not just for Your people but especially for Your people, Your children.  Your great desire is that all men be saved, not that they perish.  Condemnation is not part of Your personality.  Goodness, mercy, grace and love are the currencies You deal in; and You do not give us what our sins deserve.  When we call to You, You redeemed, restore, remove, revoke and release.

Forgive me, forgive Your people - especially those who have chosen You.  We are faulty and defective - not 100% surrendered, submitted and wholly given over to Your Spirit's rule.  We travel paths not laid by You, still pursuing the crooked way over the straight and narrow.  We lean heavily into our 5 senses - even too far into our own spiritual understanding and experience.  We think we know much and what we do know - we over think.  We act before seeking You, if we seek You in the first place.  Forgive me - forgive us - Oh Gentle Father!  Abba - help because without You we are surely lost and in the dark.

But the new DNA of faith You have given rises up in me to say - I AM FORGIVEN.  I AM REDEEMED.  I AM IMPERFECT BUT YOUR PERFECTION GROWS IN ME.

Your righteousness is what I seek.  I come before You again to be reset to the rhythm of Your song - to clear out the noise of the beat of my own drum.  You are loving and kind - long suffering and the author of truth.  Your love endures forever!  Pour out Your love on me right now - I invite and open the door of my heart - welcoming in Your Presence and all that comes with it: Your character; wisdom and knowledge; Your gifts, plans and purposes.  Let Your kingdom advance in my heart, mind, soul strength and circumstances today.  

I submit no longer to the guilt, shame, fear, pride, anger, despair and insecurity of what I have done or not done.  I renounce my claim on what has been down or should have been done to me or for me.  I forgive all that has not been done for me.  I ask for the covering of Your blood, to seal me secure in the armor of Your: salvation, truth, peace, joy, righteousness, faith and Word.

As I sit in Your Presence - I believe I also sit with You in heaven.  My place is above and not below.  It is not in the middle or unstable.  I sit secure, firm and higher than the effect, institutions, principalities and kingdoms of myself or this world.  I submit to only One right now - You, my Lord, my God and my Savior.

All I am - all I have been - all I will be is Yours, however much or little that amounts to and I decide right now - what it looks like to me or to others doesn't matter. What matters is what YOu have, are and will do with me and my life.  You desire wholeness, fullness, abundance.  You don't want to mess around when it comes to Your children.  You see the condition I am in now - parts reflect Your glory but not every part - still, You take me as I am and change me for the better.

I humbly and boldly ask You, Holy Spirit:
where I have sinned, forgive;
where I am broken, mend;
where I am sick, heal;
where I am in doubt, fill with faith;
where I lack understanding, teach;
where I hurt, comfort;
where relationships are strained, ease;
where I am lacking, provide;
where I am lazy, inflame me with passion;
where I am weak, strengthen;
where I can't find time, make it;
where things don't connect with Your truth, reveal;
where there is a thought pattern or habit that holds me back, make it right;
where I judge others, fill with mercy;
where I grieve and mourn, weep with me;
where I am behind, move me ahead;
where I am small, be big;
where I lack trust, pour on Your grace;

Lord, I don't want to stop or end there.  These are all things I need but I want to give back to You.  I praise You for all You are, calling out Your names in the faith I have, the faith You have given me.  I exalt the work of Your Hands because it brings You glory.

Where things are good, I lift my thanks to Your Holy Throne;
where You have answered my prayer, I am full of gratitude to Your Hand;
where there is righteousness in my life, my heart soars to You;
where there is fellowship, I praise Your Presence;
where there is creativity, I acknowledge Your work;
where there is healing, I see Your favor rests;
where there is goodness, I recognize it as a gift from You;
where there is prayer, worship, study, giving, service and witness - it is a response to Your love for me.

I give all of this to You, Lord.  It's my sacrifice, privilege and opportunity to go deeper with You.  There is no lack in You - every promise is Yes - so I say, "It is so (Amen)." I can do all things through Christ but only in Christ.  Thank You, Lord for this time with You.  Thank You for another chance to know You, be known by You.  Thank You for the renewal of the right spirit - Your Spirit - within me.  Thank You that I am a part of Your broken but redeemed people - and that's what You prefer: all of Your children moving every day into more wholeness by the power of Your Spirit; to advance Your works - even greater works - to move the reality of Your Kingdom forward.  

Jesus - You Rule and Reign.  Holy Spirit - You have command and control of me and my life.  Show me the evidence of Your overflow and grant me new understanding of Your truth.  I give it all back to You - always for Your glory.

--------------------------------In Jesus' Matchless Name, Amen.

Give Jesus Your Rubik's Cube (or how to cast your cares on God)

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7, MSG

Last week, a pastor friend inadvertently told me what I do when I write.  He was telling me about a couple of trends in the church and mentioned one called "practical theology."  Ever have those moments when a cathedral bell goes off in your head?

Those two words, practical theology, rung through my soul.

Not that I'm into definitions because those most assuredly get me into trouble (especially when given to me by others.)  Still, when you get a moment of clarity, you gotta realize and be grateful to the One who gave it to you.  I'm a practical theologian. (Don't twist into "practically-a-theologian" although that might work too).

Practical theology is essentially what I'm doing here.  Taking the study of God and making it applicable, useful to living life.  That's my calling.  That's what I study.  That's what I'm passionate about.  Jesus has given me purpose, direction, value.  Because of that, I want others to find their own in Him.

Still, if I'm being real, there are days when people "step on my happy,"* and I don't want to practice what I preach anymore.

There is an increasingly popular form of prayer - which I'm not sure is really "new" - but is extremely powerful.  It is called Theophostic Prayer and the way I understand it, in agreement with others, you go back to the moment in time (usually childhood) when the wrong idea or the lie was supplanted for God's truth in your life.  You let Christ remove the hurt and pain and then you let Him speak His reality into your soul (mind, will and emotions).

I hope to do my own official exploration through Serenity Retreat in Houston soon.  Until then, I've had others who've been through it teach me some basics it and applied it in just a few instances in praying for others.  I'm not trained in it so I mostly let the Spirit do the talking.  This type of prayer is especially for adults.  Why?  

Because those lies, the deceptions and unwanted untruths we assimilate as children when we don't have the maturity to process life...the enemy of our souls jumps on like white on rice.  Those ideas grow into identities and yokes we can't shake with out the Lord's strong power.  Theophostic prayer leads to freedom and deliverance - and often healing.  It is a way to reverse the cycle of negative self-talk that leads to self-hatred, self-abuse and in some extreme cases, self-mutilation.  It is part of the three-part command in Matthew 22:37-39 (that I'm writing a book on...https://thejesusrule.wordpress.com/): Love God.  Love Yourself.  Love Your Neighbor.

We can't really love God's way until we permanently put down the baggage we've been carrying (for way too long).  Whether we picked it up or let others load us down, we have to get rid of it at some point to get truly healthy.  I'm unequivocally convinced God wants us - His people - to live freely, lightly, unbound by the world.  Why would we want to be otherwise?  It's the abundant life work - digging in with God to get to the life He came to give us.  That's why I quoted the verse from 1 Peter 5:7 - commonly read as "Cast Your Cares Onto Him Because He Cares for you." 

Now, as adults, we have to go back.  But since this twisted re-wiring of our brains happens when are children, I'd like to help my girls fend it off.  I want my girls to grow up unhindered by the things that so easily tripped me up.  Part of that effort is to show them how to have their own relationship with Jesus.  This is so they can learn what His voice sounds like because the flesh, the world and the enemy will come to call.  Yet if they know the voice of the Good Shepherd, they don't necessarily have to leave the fold.  There is more than enough room in His Creation for adventure, we don't have to do it on culture's terms.  

This is a daily, sometimes hourly, monumental task.  But it is my primary calling as a mother/parent.  And it has very great, eternal rewards.  So, I'm plugging into my girls, listening to their "speech," (both spoken and unspoken) and regularly reminding them who Their Heavenly Father says they are. They already know His love but in the harsh light of "life," they need constant refreshers of Who He is and Who they are to Him. 

On Monday, my best friend told me about a message her daughter heard from a speaker encouraging the kids to do a real-time theophostic technique.  When she told me about it, I realized this was a way to short-circuit the enemies tricks; one that would blow out all the smoke and mirrors he employs to steal, kill and destroy us by any means necessary.  The gist is: when someone says or does something that hurts you - take those feelings and give them to Jesus.  Let Him sort them out and restore your heart to His perfect peace.

Good stuff, right??  I had the opportunity to use it with Sophia less than 24 hours later.  Sophia is working through a lot of anxiety and stress (and making significant progress I might add).  She told me about a situation where a little girl, who has been on-and-off nasty to her all year, told her she was ugly.  Last week, the little girl told Sophia her pictures was ugly.  Now, it has escalated.  And all Sophia wants is for this little girl to accept her the way she is (her words, not mine.) Isn't that what we all want from others?  Isn't that what we all want from God?

To know but more than that, to be known and loved for who we are.

Henri Nouwen called it "The Life of the Beloved."  I count myself as one of those who needs to remember I am The Beloved.  It is the same for my girls.  So, as Sophia and I were talking, I got a divinely inspired mental image.  I asked her if she remembered what a rubik's cube was and she said she did.  I told her to picture her heart like a rubik's cube that's complete, that's solved, in perfect order. 

Then I asked if she remembered
what a rubik's cube looks like when it is messed up.  I told her when she gets upset or angry, the messed up cube is what her heart, her emotions look like.

Now, here is where the real-time theophostic technique comes in.  I told her "You can take that messed up, unsolved, tangled rubik's cube of your emotions - AND GIVE IT TO JESUS TO STRAIGHTEN OUT."

Well, she ran with it.  When she got in the car after school yesterday she said, "Mama, there were 2 times today I had to give my Foosball to Jesus."  (I said, "You mean rubik's cube?"  "Yes, that's it.")

I asked her if He gave it back to her in the right order.  She said, "I don't know, I just gave it to Him and I was ok!" Mission accomplished.

When your mind, heart, spirit and/or body is messed up - give it to Jesus.  Short circuit the enemy's plans by submitting yourself to the Lord.  Cast your cares onto Him because He can and will straighten it out.  Our hearts are only puzzles to us, but Jesus knows how to solve them.  He can put them back in order - even better working order than before.  Explore your options in prayer, fellowship, worship and serving.

His goal, as stated in Philippians 4:7 is to keep our hearts and minds wrapped up in His peace.  Our part in it is to give Him access.  We must give ourselves to Him and He will make us unburdened, un-weary.  He will give us the rest we crave because we have too long tried to figure it out on our own.  He will make our hearts and our paths straight.

 P.S. If anyone has a rubik's cube they want to give Sophia, let me know.  The Targets around me seem to be fresh out!! 

*taken from Lysa TerKuerst in her book Unglued

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 17

Come Away with Me.
Come Away with Me.
It's never too late.
It's not too late.
It's not too late for you.

I have a plan for you.
I have a plan for you. It's gonna be wild.
It's gonna be great.
It's going to be full of Me.  - "Come Away," Jesus Culture

How do you document faith?  How do you write up miracles?  How do you describe when the air of the room is so thick with the Presence of God you have a hard time breathing, walking, thinking?

I am tasked with documenting this last week in my prayer life but I'm not really sure I can because the eternal magnitude is too big to understand much less communicate.  I want to revert back to the old saying - you just had to be there.  I can say, though, that I was and you can be too.  These promises, these experiences, these moments when the light of the Son of God is so bright, your eyes hurt, can be yours too.  Open up your heart and let Me in.

This year has been the start of a ground-breaking project to build a new family - for me, for my church, for the Body of Christ in Houston.  Not because what we had before was bad - it was very good.  Still, as I said last week, God isn't in the "good" business.  He is constantly working for OUR BEST.  When Jesus' family came to get Him because they thought He was a whack-job and finally lost it completely - He said, Who do you think my mother and brothers are?...Look closely. These are my mother and brothers. Obedience is thicker than blood. The person who obeys my heavenly Father’s will is my brother and sister and mother.

I look back and laugh at what I thought was BEST but not in derision.  I thank God for where I came from.  I know my parents prayed for me in my Prodigal phase (no doubt before then).  I know 2 faithful women's prayers availed much because I came back to Christ.  I know the ladies Bible Study in Trinidad expanded my mind about faith and life in a way no Bible Study in the States ever could.  I got my calling as a writer, as "scribe" there.  The power of the prayers by the global church for Sophia's healing unlocked the door and let it in. 

As I testified last night, though, He didn't just heal her, though that would have been more than enough.  He healed me of anxiety disorder and PTSD too.  That's what happens to caregivers, we carry emotional wounds too deep to explain.  But I'm free of those.  By the miraculous grace of God - I AM FREE!  

The Lord is currently honoring the prayers of the generations before us and we get to be the torch-bearers.  Revival isn't just coming, it is here.  I can prove it.  You go to my Facebook account and it is there.  You come to my church and it is there.  You come to Monday night prayer at The Source for Women, it is there.  It is in so many places and the Lord is connecting all the little campfires into one big blazing beacon for the lost, lonely, hurting.

The fruit and the gifts of the Spirit are in abundance.  Only 2 weeks ago, I participated in the deliverance of a young man who is now so precious to me (and others).  That's what happens when you watch someone resurrected from spiritual, emotional, mental and in some respects, physical death.  Then last week, his mother was set free from 28 years of bitterness.

Sunday it was my turn.  My pastor and dearest friend used me as a sermon prop, speaking my love language, recognizing the callouses on my knees and heart for this community of faith.  Then Monday night, I worked in prayer with others to pray in the full magnitude of the Lord unleashing Himself on this city.

Then there was Wednesday - yesterday - last night.  The Release.  A City-wide prayer and praise service that we all knew was going to be huge.  After lunch, I spent 90 minutes walking the quiet, darkened room while Ella took a nap in the back.  Before she fell asleep, she (of course) saw an angel.  She said his name was "Christian," so I can only assume he was about 6'1", 215 and had Hershey's Kiss colored skin.  It's been awhile since she'd told me she was seeing an angel, and if you have time, go back on this blog and read the other accounts.  They are hair-raising.

While she slept, I got "undignified" before the Lord.  I danced like a fiend.  Good thing no one was around and I truly hope the cameras were off.  I've NEVER been like that, but I was so free, totally uninhibited.  No loincloths were used, but I was sweating like I ran a few miles - and I might have.

Left to get The Olders from school and then went back to the church with Sophia at 6-ish pm (David took Natalie to her softball game....pray for her, her team is struggling!).  Ella stayed with a wonderful babysitter the Lord provided at the last minute.  Sophia reminded me at 10:15 pm when we got home, we never ate dinner.  

I told her that was ok, because we'd just feasted at the Lord's Table.  (She was not impressed.)

The room/the service was primed ("fertile" as my friend Moseka said) and from the very beginning we knew it was going to be another level.  The music built, the praise began.  Confession was made and then 3 people got up to testify.

One of the most precious moments of my life will be Sophia and I standing there on stage.  All I said was, "She is healed and whole from cancer," and the room erupted.  It was as if the Heavenly Host came down, the noise was deafening.  A wall of praise hit us in the face.

I'm crying about it right now as I write the words.   I'm pretty sure she will remember it for the rest of her life too.  

Following all the testimonies, the real work began.  All over the room, people were being freed, delivered, healed.  After prayer, a lady who came in on crutches was able to put weight on her foot that, to that point, wasn't healing properly.  And her caregiver sister was freed too.  Prayed for lots of people, including the husband of my long-time Bible Study leader and mentor in faith.  He is in treatment for cancer and he had tears on his face when we finished.  He and everyone there received the life-changing touch of Holy Spirit power.

At one point I sat down with another precious new brother in faith, Oliver.  He put his arm around me and we took stock of what was going on...taking inventory of the Holy Spirit (important for a scribe to do but a wonderful moment for me because Oliver is one who experienced his own freedom only 2 months ago, at the February Release.)

It didn't stop, more work.  The picture is me praying and speaking into a little girl who is in Natalie's class.  The Lord broke her, her brother and her Mama of generations of cursing in this very moment.  (The young man in the red is the one I mentioned being delivered 2 weeks ago...he is already going to the mat with the enemy for others...that's what family does for each other and now he knows what it means to be in the family of God.)  

We worked, labored, travailed and PREVAILED in prayer for another 90 minutes.  Moseka said it was "the afterglow." Pretty sure we all had a very difficult time falling asleep.  You don't really feel like you need it after a night like that.  Oh sure, later today it will catch up with me, especially as I was woken before 5 from a dream about where things are and where they are going.

I know this is a really long post, but I can't help it.  I'll try and sum this week up in 3 words....

Tender - the tender mercies that are new every morning are no joke.

Extravagant - the Love of God is truly four-dimensional; wider, deeper, higher and longer than we can understand.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to touch the borders but I know I'll never get close.

Real - I ended a Facebook post with this statement last night (when I couldn't sleep):
"Prove God exists and still does the stuff in the Bible, you say. I can. Come see for yourself, May 27th, 7 pm, 11140 Greenbay, Houston, 77024. ‪#‎iamlivingproof‬"

 Open up your heart and let Me in.

Prayer, praise, is to invite the Lord God, the Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer of the UNIVERSE into your life.  When you really go there with Him, you will never be the same.  Ever.  I am not. And I'll never stop being thankful for it.

2015: The Year of Prayer, Week 15

This week is good.  Not that there aren't things I'm swimming upstream against, but my intensity about it all seems to have come down a few (much needed) notches.  Of course, who knows what the next few days have in store, but I want to report on some good teaching I encountered, which really hit home on the point of making this year - 2015 - all about prayer.

There is a better best way to do things.

When I'm experiencing those feelings of stress, fear, frustration (etc.), I'm leaning on and into my own understanding of the situation.  I'm trying to process what is going on with my mind alone, rather than involving my heart, where Jesus is.  In Proverbs 3:4-5, we are instructed NOT to do that....
Lean NOT on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

"Jesus meets us where we are, but He never leaves us that way."  The rubber meets the road of this statement only in prayer.  It is there, before God and in conversation with Him where I am set free and right.  By not only talking to Him about what is going on, but listening for His perspective, I can move from good to better to best.  Prayer is when Jehovah shows me what the Apostle Paul called....The Most Excellent Way. (1 Cor 12:31)

That's the progression - the walk of faith - is always towards better.  But more than just getting to better, He wants us to get to THE BEST.  Every good father wants that for his children, so knowing who the Lord is, He is THE BEST Father; so He wants THE BEST for His children.....us, the People of God.

Sometimes the best requires walking uphill.  We are not meant to keep walking flat.  There has to be some peaks and valleys to strengthen our different faith muscles groups.  I feel as though much of this year has been one continuous training run, going uphill.  The good news is I will (eventually) reach the end of the race (this season).  And then I'll start a new one, the race this season prepared me for.

It is all about the preparation.  That's the adventure of Christ - always a new level, new mercy, new experience, new truth to make a part of your life with Him.  There are seasons of rest, to wind down and recover.  I did that for about 6 months after Sophia finished treatment because I had to figure out what life was about again.  When those times of rest are over - we are meant to get up and walk again with Him from glory to glory.

The Great Evangelist Smith Wigglesworth wrote this (which I read yesterday),

Any number of people are satisfied with "good" - that is, justification or salvation.  Other people are satisfied with "better" - that is, a sanctified life, purified by God.  Other people are satisfied with the "best" - that is, the fullness of God with revelation on high.  So I come to you with the fullness of God in the Holy Spirit through His baptism.  I come not with good, but better; not with better, but with best.

To say this was a challenge for me would be a gross understatement, but not a discouraging challenge.  I prayed, asking the Lord to keep moving me toward His best.  Truly, that is what I desire and the Lord works in us in such a way to make sure our desires line up with His; so He can give us what we ask for that will also bring Him maximum glory.

Then, after reading and praying through that early, a couple hours later, I was listening to Chuck Swindoll.  At the end of his message, he said the same thing, only another way!!!

Swindoll called the progression an extension of John 14:6.  He said salvation was finding Jesus as The Way; sanctification was learning and walking in Jesus as the Truth.  Finally, this glorified, best way was living with Jesus as our Life.  Get in the spirit, walk in it and move towards learning to live all the time in it. Good is ok, but it just barely scratches the surface.  Better is getting there, more and more of God at every turn. BUT BEST IS WHAT WE WERE MEANT FOR.

I will always need more clarification on what to desire more of in my relationship with Christ.  I don't want to settle, in any area of my life and I'm asking the Lord to show me where I have.  I've made a decision to start seeking His best, every time I pray.  I want the Lord to so renew my mind, I can discern the 3 options Paul gives in Romans 12:2 - the good, acceptable and perfect will of God.

It is daunting, to be sure, to seek the perfect will of God.  More valleys will follow but I learn more in the valleys than the mountaintops.  And because the perfect will is the best, I don't have to fear what is coming.  Jesus will be right there, making sure goodness and mercy keep me company all the days of my life with the end result being I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever (Psalm 23:6).

I'll end with two questions: are you settling for only good or better?  What would happen if you sought God's best for your life?

Keep journeying and look forward to meeting up with you long the way....

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 14

Roller Coaster.  Again.

I was reminded several times this week, as my emotions went up and down on this ride called "Life," of other roller coaster weeks in recent memory.

There was that one time, back in 2013, when we didn't know if we were going back to Italy or not.  Oh yes, and I was 9 months pregnant.  (Read about that here: View from Houston...)

Such a stressful, emotional week.  It was as if God was saying to me the whole time, "Just wait a minute.  I have this handled.  You can keep praying but if you would just stop grabbing at Me for a second, your view will clear up to see my deliverance is at hand...."

(Just wait on the Lord.)

Then there was that time, 4-5 weeks later, when Ella Grace was born and in the NICU.  The Lord spoke into my heart she was going to come home on Friday of that week I got out of the hospital.  I didn't tell anyone that because I didn't have the faith to really believe it.  But He said it and she was home on FRIDAY.  I learned a lot about having faith when it doesn't make sense.  (You can read that story here: Ella Grace's story...)

(Just wait on the Lord.)

My dear friend Ms. Janice texted that to me during my biggest freak out moment - on MONDAY.  It bounced around the inside of my skull all week......Just wait till FRIDAY.  My prayers have been very myopic, focused nearly entirely on one issue, regarding Sophia's school experience.  Should we stay at her school or should we go?  Should she go onto 4th grade or should we hold her back to be in 3rd again to make sure she gets the foundation she needs?  I wrote about my heavy heart and mind several times on FaceBook and the encouragement The Word showed up with.

Yet, it all came down, like those other times, to just one lesson:  

Just wait on the Lord.

I had to walk through a whole bunch of angst to be able to let go and let God do what only He can do - which is help her (and help Dave and I.)  There are so many variables in her school situation right now, I was so stressed out.  I was ready to yank her out and home school her on Monday.  But Janice said:

Just wait on the Lord.

I cried, I faced my worst fears and I threw a fit.  I prayed silently, I prayed fervently, I wrestled with God and myself.  I praised Him, thanked Him and exalted His Name.  I claimed Scripture and I prayed from my heart.  Here we are at the end of the week - another FRIDAY.  Didn't He remind me before of the 2 previous times He told me to wait till Friday?  Yes, He did.

This time I listened and I have seen the parting of the Red Sea.

We are not across the great divide just yet.  There are still a lot of things up in the air.  But it's Friday I know we are just about to come out on the other side of this tunnel.  I know my God has and will come through for her.  She prayed herself through 2 practice STAAR tests this week and her scores reflect God honoring her dependence on Him.  She still has to take the real tests but light is flooding the tunnel we've been walking through together. 

I don't know what the scenery will look like when we get out, but my job is to just be in the moment.  We have worked like it depends on us and prayed like it depended on God.  Those are taken directly from Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker.  Sophia's schooling has been my most consistent prayer circle over the last 2 1/2 months.  We've been standing in that circle, together, for awhile.  We've doubted, we've argued, we've laughed and we've cried.

The Lord has shown Himself faithful through it all. 

I know it is not the biggest challenge we've ever faced, especially where Sophia is concerned.  But in this moment, it is a big one.  We want her prepared to be successful, in school and life.  We want her to have the confidence to believe in herself, like we believe in her.  This is a lesson for our whole family and I know it is a lesson well learned.

I don't know the circumstances you are in, but I know what you need to do: Just wait on the Lord.  Your very own "end of the week," is coming (even if it has been more like months or years.  Wait on Jesus.  He is already there, with the answer to your need in hand.  He is ready, He is willing and He will provide.

Keep praying - keep walking around your own prayer circles (highly recommend the book if you can get your hands on it!!).

The Year of Prayer keeps going....

2015 Year of Prayer - Week 9 and 10

So, this is a combo post because last week got away from me.  I’m all of a sudden playing catch up in a lot of areas of my life, which causes me no end of heartburn because I hate that feeling.  I have a lot of irons in the fire and I have not been disciplined enough to keep up with them all because I’ve put myself first.

Not in a good way, but in ways that drain my energy and sap my passion.

I actually had a post written for Week 9 but just never got around to editing it enough to put it up.

The short version of Week 9 is: I came face to face with my need for real, Godly rest.

Rest was the theme, rest was what was needed but rest I did not get.  Sometimes life just does not allow for it.  So, I slugged on through, engaging in some bad habits of the flesh (including a lot of sleep and T.V. watching) and got behind.

When I have a lot to do – and really when I haven’t managed my time well, instead of buckling down– I go the other way.  I don’t want to do ANYTHING.  So, that was last week.  It’s not that nothing got done, just not as much as I’d planned or wanted to do.

Enter Week 10.  I got a resource last week called The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  He is the pastor of National Community Church in Washington, D.C. and not only does it chronicle the development of that church (and Mark’s personal prayer life), it sets the bar high for those of us who truly desire to see God’s greatness on display in our lives.

Well – that’s me.  I want it on display.  That’s why I’m documenting my prayer life this year.  I want to look back and say, “Holy God, You have done amazing things that everyone can see!”

Within the first four chapters of the book, I knew it was anointed.  This is the perfect time for me to read this book – in my life, the life of my family and the life of my church.  A new friend at church told me about it Thursday but another friend told me about over a year ago, so she should really get the credit for this revelation of my spiritual life. 

(Thank you Wynter and especially thank you Leslie for being so patient with me.  :D)

It has challenged me to dig into God with my hopes, dreams, fears and frustrations - along with long standing Scriptural promises I'm hanging on to.  Instead of thinking God wants my prayers to be “fresh and new” all the time, He is showing me how to P.U.S.H.

Pray (and Praise)

Until

Something

Happens

He led me to do a prayer fast.  For 28 days, I am to meet Him from 3 – 3:30 A.M.  That’s right, in the morning.  The point of these early morning meetings is to listen to God…to hear what He wants to say.

No caveats, no boundaries.  Whatever God wants to talk to me about for 30 minutes, He gets it.

I suppose because I wasn’t doing much listening before.  This is an effort of faith, trust and stamina.  I have an alarm set and I guard myself against going back to sleep.  After that time period is up, I do get to go back to sleep (which I am so grateful for) but it is going to take a little while for my body to adjust.  This is day 4 of the fast, which goes until Easter Sunday (which is also my 40^th birthday).  So far, He has taken 2 of my prayer circles and added to them, and given me a couple more as well.  He has given me Scripture for all but 1 of them and I fully expect the biblical promise for that one will make itself known pretty soon!

I have no idea how to define progress in this type of endeavor, other than my level of passion for the things of God has been amped up considerably.  Maybe that is more than enough.  This year – this year of prayer – is all about learning at the feet of Jesus and growing in my desire for Him, His Purposes and His People. 

I am getting more and more Mary time.  I also redeems the Martha time, making the rest of my day much more productive.

Of course I have to apply myself during the time I have, which is my current (flesh) challenge.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is SO WEAK.  But it is what it is and as I wrote a few weeks back, the more I pour into the things of God, the more He pours out the ability to do everything else.

First things first – starting at 3 am. 

I’m circling my prayers, circling my wagons and expecting big things from God.  I am confident I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living!! (Psalm 27:13)

Overcoming Anxiety

One of the sweet folks the Lord has given me recently, to walk life and in faith with, is Audrey.  She's been through a lot these last few years and recently, she fought and beat cancer!  But the victory is so fresh, it feels unstable.  I've been there, I know that feeling.  I've been trying to help her understand what life on the other side looks like.  But I know her ministry will be revealed soon after this time of trial and preparation is complete.

She is so hungry for Jesus; it is invigorating for my own faith. This week has been walking through
the steps the Lord gives us in His word to help us no longer be slaves to fear and worry.  It is well-timed because today, Audrey had follow up testing to confirm the status of her remission.  It is the well-known SCAN-XIETY.  But this works in any fearful/fretful/worrisome situation. 

These steps are found in James 4:7-10,

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet. (The MSG)

Our goal has been to break the hold of the endless mental loop worry creates.  You get stuck in a rut, going around in circles.  The path of anxiety you walk builds up walls so high in your mind and heart, they eventually lock you inside.  You get to a point where it seems impossible to imagine ever scaling those walls, so you start to make yourself comfortable there.  When you do that, you will never get out.  Indeed, without the Lord's intervention, you never will.

When it comes the enemy's desire to keep you locked up in your prison of anxiety, if you ever want to get out; you must know your enemy.  The enemy of your soul wants you to be scared.  He wants you to think the worst.  He wants you to think you are sick, worthless, poor, insecure, unsettled, incapable to be used of God.  He wants you to think no change will ever happen because you are not worth of God's time to change.  He wants you to think God has more important things to do than help you.

Satan wants to steal, kill and destroy any peace, security, joy and faith you have in Christ, by any means necessary.  But if that aim is not achieved, he can try to make your life miserable, keeping you busy and tired so you don't have time to seek God's peace. The trick here is THE VICTORY IS ALREADY WON.  But if the enemy can convince you otherwise, he will chalk that up as a win.  As long as you are focused on anything but God, satan wins.

Satan can't read our thoughts, but his power to tempt us comes from his extensive knowledge of the fallen human condition and his never-ending study of us as individuals.  He's studied you, he knows your weaknesses and he is going to play them up by using all sorts of lies and illusions to encourage you to fall into worry and be anxious.

The tide begins to turn when we realize the chink in the enemy's armor: your freewill to choose whether or not to agree you agree with God or with satan.  You can fix your mind on Christ and the things of His Kingdom (see Philippians 4:8) and (over time) reject what the enemy is trying to do in such a way that you don't have to go back to that well-worn path of anxiety.  

You do that most effectively by talking to Jesus more than you talk to anyone else (including yourself).  As Audrey said the other day, all we can do for each other is talk about the situation.

Only Jesus can actually do something about it.

I know this works because I used to have full-blown panic attacks when it came to ANY additional testing, during and after Sophia's treatment.  But I don't anymore, haven't for well over year (see my post regarding when I found that freedom here.)

In working through this with Audrey, I tried to articulate what I know - Scripture really does work when you apply it to your life.  You can take your thoughts captive, they do not have to own you.  So, here is what I know.....

Step 1: Examine every anxious thought.  Put your thoughts under the microscope of the Light of Christ.  By this litmus test, you will discover those worry-filled thoughts are not from the Lord, especially when the message of them seeks to drag you down (or keep you down).  The Lord doesn't do that!  .Confess - give those thoughts to Jesus to destroy, it's not your job to put them away.  You can't win this fight with willpower.  You can pray: "Lord, here are these thoughts. I don't want them anymore. Help me, Oh God, to think Your kind of thoughts about myself and my situation." (see Philippians 4:8 for a list of God's kind of thoughts.)

Step 2: Resist the temptation to dwell on or give into those thoughts! Jesus' whole mission in life was to build people up and not leave them the way He found them.  He wanted good, better, best - not worst.  So, resist the devil's scheme to make you think bad to worse.  Not by your own power, but by calling on the God of Heaven - the Holy Spirit - to do all things through Christ, including be courageous (see Joshua 1:6-9)

Step 3: Keep resisting.  Let the devil know, in the name of Christ, he can't read your mind and he can no longer have access to the pattern those thoughts create.  He will not convince you any of this negativity will do any good.  He can take it up with Jesus!

Step 4: Make sure you keep clean hands and a pure heart.  Confess any willful/known sin, receive the forgiveness and keep moving forward.  Don't let the enemy try to hold you back with guilt and shame!

Step 5: Praise God!!  This maybe the most important step to keep yourself sealed up from the enemy's schemes.  Praise is how you stand firm in your faith.  Psalm 103 never goes out of style.  Crank up the praise and worship music.  Declare the goodness of our God who is worthy to be praised!  There is no mood alter-er better than praising God, I guarantee it....and no hangovers either.

Everyone deals with fear and anxiety, but we can choose a better way - THE WAY.  Jesus showed us that.  He is The Way.  When we follow His example, we will win.  Satan and his minions will flee when we apply the force of our faith in Christ - holding up our shields and swinging the Sword of the Spirit - the Word of God.

Joyce Meyer has an excellent confessional "Letter to Fear," I've included it here:

I'm more than delighted to report Audrey's efforts were rewarded....she got her results back and she remains CANCER FREE!!