My Dad

This is a whiplash week.  That's the only way I can describe it.  Freedom came Tuesday.  Heartbreak (again) broke down the door on Wednesday morning.  My Dad, my wonderful father, got called home late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning.  We aren't sure exactly what the cause of death was, but we know one thing: The Lord made it so peaceful.  There was no fight, no tremor, no trauma.  It is literally like the Lord said, "David, it's time."

And he said, "Ok!"

That's the way it should be.  When the Lord calls, there should be no regrets about saying goodbye.  There should be no looking back like Lot's wife.  There should be no trying to hold up your finger to just take a second to tell the ones you love you will see them later.  We should live that way now and my Dad did that pretty well.

The living deal with the emptiness.  The living deal with being left behind and the gaping hole that is created by absence.  I'm not angry with God.  I know how He works and I know it was time for my Dad to go.  I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO, and I wouldn't have picked this kind of exit, or at this time, but my God knows better.  He could have taken him 15 years ago when he had an aneurysm but the Good Lord gave him more time to teach us how to live and be and have faith.  I just wish I could have said goodbye.  Or had the chance to love on him a little more.

Today, I wrote his obituary.  Something I never thought in my wildest I would ever do.  I guess that legitimizes my standing in the family as a writer.  I texted 2 friends after I wrote it that I felt like I was going to throw up.  I've gotten that feeling a few times in the last 54 hours.

Thank you to all who've called, texted, emailed, cooked and delivered food, asked after us and been with us in our as-yet-unprocessed-grief.

I've been here (sort-of) before, so I can ask for prayers.  Pray for our strength next Wednesday.  I pray for my Mom past the busyness of next Wednesday.  There is so much still to do, to handle, to process. It takes so long to move on.  We have to figure out a "new normal" again.  Yet, this time without the patriarch.  He was kind, generous, faithful and gracious.  He taught my brother and I to be that way too.  We are who we are because of who our Dad was.  And our children carry on that legacy, just as they will tell stories of him to their children.

We have 1,000 generations of blessing coming.

As I've said several times this week as his body has passed, Bye Dad.  I love you.  I will miss you terribly.  You were such a good Dad.  I'll see you soon.

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(Here's the obituary I wrote which will be in the Chronicle and various church publications soon.) 

On Wednesday, September 16, 2015, David Warren Wakefield, treasured husband, father and grandfather, passed away peacefully in his sleep.  He is survived by his wife of 48 years, Carole, his son Craig, daughter and son-in-law Amy and David Vogel and his beloved 5 granddaughters: Madison, 16, Ryan, 12, Natalie, 11, Sophia, 9 and Ella Grace, 2.  

David was a man of great integrity, wisdom, generosity and humor.  He made an impact on all who met him, with his ideas, jokes and profound intelligence.  He graduated from Georgia Tech University in 1967.  He entered the Navy as a Lieutenant and served as a Naval Aviator from 1967-1971. 

He ran several successful companies; all in the Power Generation and Process Industry and his knowledge of this business cannot be duplicated.  His reputation for fair-mindedness and gracious conduct is felt by all who worked with and for him.  While business was his focus, family was his life.  He loved his wife, his children and was enormously proud of all of his granddaughters.  He saw the blessing and gift they were to his life and, just like with his children, he was a committed presence in their lives.

He was also a man of deep faith, especially in his time as a member of St. Luke’s United Methodist.  He always wore a gold Number One pin on his collar.  When he was asked about it, he simply said, “It reminds me to keep the Lord first.”  He taught so many the meaning of a well-lived life, how to have fun here and now and the importance of living in light of eternity.  He will be greatly missed and loving remembered.

A Memorial service is being held on Wednesday, September 23^rd, 2015 at 10 am at St. Luke’s United Methodist Church.  In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made to St. Luke’s United Methodist Church (Building Fund in the memo, www.stlukesmethodist.org under “giving.”) or PKD Foundation, www.pkdcure.org.

Team Sophia: 5 Years Later (Almost)

It's been 59 months and 26 days since that Sunday in October 2010 when Sophia walked in the living room of our rent house, where I was working at my "desk," (which was a TV tray at the time).  She was looking down her nose at me which struck me as weird.  I asked her why she was looking at me that way.

"Because I see two of you."

Right then, a tornado siren went off in my heart.  I'd just taken her that morning to an urgent care clinic because of the swelling of her left eye.  They told me she had pink eye.  I knew that wasn't right as this was my 2nd child and we'd all had pink eye before at that point.  What she had did NOT look like pink eye to me.  That was the last time I didn't argue ask well-thought out questions of a doctor when I thought they were not 100% in their diagnosis.

I told Dave what she said.  Immediately, we packed up to go to the ER and called my parents to drop newly-minted 7 year old Natalie on the way.  It was about 5 pm on Sunday evening.  After that fateful moment, our lives were never the same.

5 1/2 hours later, as I laid there on the ER room gurney with Sophia asleep in my arms, I did what most parents would do in an ER.  I prayed.  In what I now know to be a moment of Holy Spirit inspired prayer, I told the Lord I would praise Him no matter.  And I distinctly remember saying out loud, I will praise You, Lord.  Even if this is cancer.

After I uttered those words, there was no audible voice from God, no angelic messenger; absolutely nothing dramatic or supernatural occurred.  Sophia didn't twitch and I didn't feel the Spirit rise up in me.  It was just.....peace.  Not completely silent (hospitals never are) but like someone had thrown a blanket over us.  It was warm and safe and quiet.  That was the moment, I think, when the Lord stretched out His wings over us (Psalm 91:1,4) and I believe we've never left His side.

This picture is from the morning she got her port-a-cath put in, less than 2 weeks later.  I love this picture because that was my baby....that's what she looked like at 4 years old before cancer and chemo.

She's not here to complain and tell me "STOP CRYING!"  Apparently I do that more than she likes.  I apologize, but say her mother gets emotional and when that happens, my eyes leak.  They are really leaking now as I sit here writing this post.  It's not out of pain or despair or woundedness.  The Lord healed me of all that 2 years ago.  It's when I think about what's happened to us in the last 5 years....all the people who prayed for us....all the people who made meals....sent cards...stood by us....commented on Facebook and even read the open-ended journal this blog became....that's really what makes me cry.  Thank you is not enough, but I'll say it anyway....THANK YOU.

Then, I think about all the people who never knew us in that season, including our current church family (some just finding out last week Sophia had cancer!)  They only know "us" now, not the "us" from then.  But we wouldn't be who we are now without Sophia's ordeal...really our family's ordeal.

We are at the finish line now.  The last scans of her protocol/treatment plan happened Friday afternoon and this picture was taken right after.  I love this picture because it is fully Sophia, proud to be 9 and happy to be finished.  Tomorrow morning, we meet with her oncologist for what will surely be the very last time.  She will transfer us to the long-term care clinic at Texas Children's and Dr. Jodi Muscal will "retire" as Sophia's doctor.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being emotional at the end of the journey.

And I am.  I am emotional because we are so blessed.  Not just because she is completely healthy with no side effects AT ALL.  I can't express my gratitude to God for making her total healing a reality.  It is too much for me to express all He has done for us, all He has given us, all He continues to do in our lives.  It is obscenely extravagant and we are not worthy of it.

Theologically speaking, I know we are worthy because of Christ but that doesn't keep me from being totally humbled by that reality.  I live in that victory every day.  I operate, pray and minister out of that confidence I posted about yesterday (read that here).  But as me speaking to you, it is too much goodness given to just 4 regular people....now 5.  Yet HE STILL GAVE IT.

I don't know who that is for, who that encourages...to know that if God will give us all this, He will most certainly give you the same portion, or more.  I know He will.  

We will continue to care and serve and pray and believe for those fighting cancer.  I still do comfort kits (read about those here).  We will again pray-walk the road between MD Anderson and Texas Children's on Saturday, February 13th, 2016 (MAKE PLANS NOW TO JOIN US!)  We will have t-shirts made this time because I have a feeling because we sowed the seed this year, there is a harvest of people coming to pray in the reality of those hospitals becoming places of healing, not treatment.  

The back of our Team Sophia shirts quoted Galatians 6:9-10: Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the right time, you will reap a harvest.  I can say it has been a harvest all along.  We say the same thing in the cancer world: N.E.G.U.  We will never, ever give up till a cure is found - whether that is Jesus' 2nd coming or a medical miracle.  Either way, we are here to fight the evil-sent disease of cancer and the suffering it causes, with supernatural and natural means.  Jesus teaches us how to do that and He also teaches us healing is possible.

Sophia, our whole family is a great example of what He can do, with only a willing heart.  

Just keep showing us the way, Lord.  Thank You for always doing so.  Send us the cure for cancer and comfort those afflicted, Gracious God.  Raise up Your people to help in every creative way You can think of, Holy Spirit.  Bring more of Your Kingdom to earth, in Jesus' Name.

Give Jesus Your Rubik's Cube (or how to cast your cares on God)

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7, MSG

Last week, a pastor friend inadvertently told me what I do when I write.  He was telling me about a couple of trends in the church and mentioned one called "practical theology."  Ever have those moments when a cathedral bell goes off in your head?

Those two words, practical theology, rung through my soul.

Not that I'm into definitions because those most assuredly get me into trouble (especially when given to me by others.)  Still, when you get a moment of clarity, you gotta realize and be grateful to the One who gave it to you.  I'm a practical theologian. (Don't twist into "practically-a-theologian" although that might work too).

Practical theology is essentially what I'm doing here.  Taking the study of God and making it applicable, useful to living life.  That's my calling.  That's what I study.  That's what I'm passionate about.  Jesus has given me purpose, direction, value.  Because of that, I want others to find their own in Him.

Still, if I'm being real, there are days when people "step on my happy,"* and I don't want to practice what I preach anymore.

There is an increasingly popular form of prayer - which I'm not sure is really "new" - but is extremely powerful.  It is called Theophostic Prayer and the way I understand it, in agreement with others, you go back to the moment in time (usually childhood) when the wrong idea or the lie was supplanted for God's truth in your life.  You let Christ remove the hurt and pain and then you let Him speak His reality into your soul (mind, will and emotions).

I hope to do my own official exploration through Serenity Retreat in Houston soon.  Until then, I've had others who've been through it teach me some basics it and applied it in just a few instances in praying for others.  I'm not trained in it so I mostly let the Spirit do the talking.  This type of prayer is especially for adults.  Why?  

Because those lies, the deceptions and unwanted untruths we assimilate as children when we don't have the maturity to process life...the enemy of our souls jumps on like white on rice.  Those ideas grow into identities and yokes we can't shake with out the Lord's strong power.  Theophostic prayer leads to freedom and deliverance - and often healing.  It is a way to reverse the cycle of negative self-talk that leads to self-hatred, self-abuse and in some extreme cases, self-mutilation.  It is part of the three-part command in Matthew 22:37-39 (that I'm writing a book on...https://thejesusrule.wordpress.com/): Love God.  Love Yourself.  Love Your Neighbor.

We can't really love God's way until we permanently put down the baggage we've been carrying (for way too long).  Whether we picked it up or let others load us down, we have to get rid of it at some point to get truly healthy.  I'm unequivocally convinced God wants us - His people - to live freely, lightly, unbound by the world.  Why would we want to be otherwise?  It's the abundant life work - digging in with God to get to the life He came to give us.  That's why I quoted the verse from 1 Peter 5:7 - commonly read as "Cast Your Cares Onto Him Because He Cares for you." 

Now, as adults, we have to go back.  But since this twisted re-wiring of our brains happens when are children, I'd like to help my girls fend it off.  I want my girls to grow up unhindered by the things that so easily tripped me up.  Part of that effort is to show them how to have their own relationship with Jesus.  This is so they can learn what His voice sounds like because the flesh, the world and the enemy will come to call.  Yet if they know the voice of the Good Shepherd, they don't necessarily have to leave the fold.  There is more than enough room in His Creation for adventure, we don't have to do it on culture's terms.  

This is a daily, sometimes hourly, monumental task.  But it is my primary calling as a mother/parent.  And it has very great, eternal rewards.  So, I'm plugging into my girls, listening to their "speech," (both spoken and unspoken) and regularly reminding them who Their Heavenly Father says they are. They already know His love but in the harsh light of "life," they need constant refreshers of Who He is and Who they are to Him. 

On Monday, my best friend told me about a message her daughter heard from a speaker encouraging the kids to do a real-time theophostic technique.  When she told me about it, I realized this was a way to short-circuit the enemies tricks; one that would blow out all the smoke and mirrors he employs to steal, kill and destroy us by any means necessary.  The gist is: when someone says or does something that hurts you - take those feelings and give them to Jesus.  Let Him sort them out and restore your heart to His perfect peace.

Good stuff, right??  I had the opportunity to use it with Sophia less than 24 hours later.  Sophia is working through a lot of anxiety and stress (and making significant progress I might add).  She told me about a situation where a little girl, who has been on-and-off nasty to her all year, told her she was ugly.  Last week, the little girl told Sophia her pictures was ugly.  Now, it has escalated.  And all Sophia wants is for this little girl to accept her the way she is (her words, not mine.) Isn't that what we all want from others?  Isn't that what we all want from God?

To know but more than that, to be known and loved for who we are.

Henri Nouwen called it "The Life of the Beloved."  I count myself as one of those who needs to remember I am The Beloved.  It is the same for my girls.  So, as Sophia and I were talking, I got a divinely inspired mental image.  I asked her if she remembered what a rubik's cube was and she said she did.  I told her to picture her heart like a rubik's cube that's complete, that's solved, in perfect order. 

Then I asked if she remembered
what a rubik's cube looks like when it is messed up.  I told her when she gets upset or angry, the messed up cube is what her heart, her emotions look like.

Now, here is where the real-time theophostic technique comes in.  I told her "You can take that messed up, unsolved, tangled rubik's cube of your emotions - AND GIVE IT TO JESUS TO STRAIGHTEN OUT."

Well, she ran with it.  When she got in the car after school yesterday she said, "Mama, there were 2 times today I had to give my Foosball to Jesus."  (I said, "You mean rubik's cube?"  "Yes, that's it.")

I asked her if He gave it back to her in the right order.  She said, "I don't know, I just gave it to Him and I was ok!" Mission accomplished.

When your mind, heart, spirit and/or body is messed up - give it to Jesus.  Short circuit the enemy's plans by submitting yourself to the Lord.  Cast your cares onto Him because He can and will straighten it out.  Our hearts are only puzzles to us, but Jesus knows how to solve them.  He can put them back in order - even better working order than before.  Explore your options in prayer, fellowship, worship and serving.

His goal, as stated in Philippians 4:7 is to keep our hearts and minds wrapped up in His peace.  Our part in it is to give Him access.  We must give ourselves to Him and He will make us unburdened, un-weary.  He will give us the rest we crave because we have too long tried to figure it out on our own.  He will make our hearts and our paths straight.

 P.S. If anyone has a rubik's cube they want to give Sophia, let me know.  The Targets around me seem to be fresh out!! 

*taken from Lysa TerKuerst in her book Unglued

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 14

Roller Coaster.  Again.

I was reminded several times this week, as my emotions went up and down on this ride called "Life," of other roller coaster weeks in recent memory.

There was that one time, back in 2013, when we didn't know if we were going back to Italy or not.  Oh yes, and I was 9 months pregnant.  (Read about that here: View from Houston...)

Such a stressful, emotional week.  It was as if God was saying to me the whole time, "Just wait a minute.  I have this handled.  You can keep praying but if you would just stop grabbing at Me for a second, your view will clear up to see my deliverance is at hand...."

(Just wait on the Lord.)

Then there was that time, 4-5 weeks later, when Ella Grace was born and in the NICU.  The Lord spoke into my heart she was going to come home on Friday of that week I got out of the hospital.  I didn't tell anyone that because I didn't have the faith to really believe it.  But He said it and she was home on FRIDAY.  I learned a lot about having faith when it doesn't make sense.  (You can read that story here: Ella Grace's story...)

(Just wait on the Lord.)

My dear friend Ms. Janice texted that to me during my biggest freak out moment - on MONDAY.  It bounced around the inside of my skull all week......Just wait till FRIDAY.  My prayers have been very myopic, focused nearly entirely on one issue, regarding Sophia's school experience.  Should we stay at her school or should we go?  Should she go onto 4th grade or should we hold her back to be in 3rd again to make sure she gets the foundation she needs?  I wrote about my heavy heart and mind several times on FaceBook and the encouragement The Word showed up with.

Yet, it all came down, like those other times, to just one lesson:  

Just wait on the Lord.

I had to walk through a whole bunch of angst to be able to let go and let God do what only He can do - which is help her (and help Dave and I.)  There are so many variables in her school situation right now, I was so stressed out.  I was ready to yank her out and home school her on Monday.  But Janice said:

Just wait on the Lord.

I cried, I faced my worst fears and I threw a fit.  I prayed silently, I prayed fervently, I wrestled with God and myself.  I praised Him, thanked Him and exalted His Name.  I claimed Scripture and I prayed from my heart.  Here we are at the end of the week - another FRIDAY.  Didn't He remind me before of the 2 previous times He told me to wait till Friday?  Yes, He did.

This time I listened and I have seen the parting of the Red Sea.

We are not across the great divide just yet.  There are still a lot of things up in the air.  But it's Friday I know we are just about to come out on the other side of this tunnel.  I know my God has and will come through for her.  She prayed herself through 2 practice STAAR tests this week and her scores reflect God honoring her dependence on Him.  She still has to take the real tests but light is flooding the tunnel we've been walking through together. 

I don't know what the scenery will look like when we get out, but my job is to just be in the moment.  We have worked like it depends on us and prayed like it depended on God.  Those are taken directly from Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker.  Sophia's schooling has been my most consistent prayer circle over the last 2 1/2 months.  We've been standing in that circle, together, for awhile.  We've doubted, we've argued, we've laughed and we've cried.

The Lord has shown Himself faithful through it all. 

I know it is not the biggest challenge we've ever faced, especially where Sophia is concerned.  But in this moment, it is a big one.  We want her prepared to be successful, in school and life.  We want her to have the confidence to believe in herself, like we believe in her.  This is a lesson for our whole family and I know it is a lesson well learned.

I don't know the circumstances you are in, but I know what you need to do: Just wait on the Lord.  Your very own "end of the week," is coming (even if it has been more like months or years.  Wait on Jesus.  He is already there, with the answer to your need in hand.  He is ready, He is willing and He will provide.

Keep praying - keep walking around your own prayer circles (highly recommend the book if you can get your hands on it!!).

The Year of Prayer keeps going....

Questions vs. Questioning - An Christmas Meditation

It's funny how things in my life often line up with things happening in the Church Season.  Usually, that means "Ordinary Time," (the majority of the Church Year).  I would say that best reflects our to-and-fro life - Ordinary. Not in a bad way, just regular ol' life.

But every once and awhile, dots connect and stars align.

My sweet Sophia is in a tough year.  It's called Year 8.  On top of that, she is in 3rd Grade.  I've gone through this once, so I knew it was coming, but it is still tough.  You aren't a little kid anymore but you aren't completely a big kid yet either.  Still, you are required to think like a big kid, which your brain and body are not always ready for.  On top of that, Sophia is a July birthday, so she is one of the youngest in her class.  It can be frustrating for her to figure out what is really expected of her.

That translate into a lot of training and discipline in our house right now.  Discipline specifically for things like back talk, little white lies and "omission" type offenses where you were just not motivated enough to get done what Momma asked you to do (in the time she asked you to do it).  There is always the middle sister factor, too, with a big sister on one side, who is generally Johnny-on-the-spot; and the little sister on the other, who gets away with a lot more than you do.  It's rough.

In the midst of this, the Lord is working on growing one fruit of the Spirit in particular in me: gentleness.  This is not my natural state of being when my kids disobey or are disrespectful.  I'm much more likely to bring down the hammer than be merciful and forgiving. 

Which is no doubt why the Lord is testing and proving me on this particular virtue, especially with Sophia.  We have so much history of me having to push, cajole and flat out make her do stuff - from my days as her caregiver.  The Lord redeemed that, but the reality is still working itself out in my parenting style.

Plus, out of all 3 daughters, Sophia is most like me.  There is a lot of iron sharpening iron going on right now and the sparks tend to fly..

Most of my grievances come in the form of her questioning my authority.  She asks a lot of questions, to be sure, but it's gone to a new level.  Lately, when she asks me a question, her whole attitude towards me (which I can read on her face) is: "Mother, you have no idea what you are talking about!"

On Sunday, I was inspired to ask her if she knew the difference between asking for information and questioning me.

She didn't, so I explained like this: It comes down to heart.  Question asking is ok, because you are looking for clarity and understanding.  Questioning means you doubt the authority/credibility/integrity of the person you are interacting with.  One is purely for information (question asking).  The other is an effort to stand your ground because you feel you are right and the other person is wrong (questioning).

It just so happened, on Monday at Ms. Janice's house for prayer, we read the Christmas story, including Luke's account.  It was then I saw the Biblical illustration of this principle of doubt of intention (questioning) vs. confirmation of action (questions).

It plays out with 2 people: Zechariah and Mary. 

In summary: in Luke 1:5-25, Zechariah loses his voice because he questioned the plan of God, told to him by the angel Gabriel.  Even though he and his wife were old enough to be grandparents, they
would have a son who would declare the Messiah's arrival.  That son ended up being John the Baptist, the last prophet to the Jews.  However, even in the middle of the Temple, on the Jewish high-holiest day of the year, Zechariah didn't believe what this messenger from on high was saying.  He doubted, he balked.  Zechariah flat out did not believe God!

In contrast, from Luke 1:26-38, there is Mary, the mother of Jesus, also being visited by Gabriel.  He brings her some outrageous news too.  He says, "You, my dear, you teenage virgin, are going to get pregnant and that child is going to be the Son of God."  Mary had questions, good ones, in fact.  But she didn't lose her voice because Gabriel was able to see the intention behind those questions.  Unlike Zechariah, who asked with doubt, fear and rebellion in his heart; Mary asked from a heart just wanted to know how all this was going to work, so she could respond appropriately.

This is not the revelation for me, although this has been communicated to the people of God down through the ages: Zechariah doubted, Mary didn't.

What hit me was: despite the initial questions, even in doubt and disbelief, Zechariah came around.  He and Mary, both, ended up acting in faith.  They obeyed the Lord becoming major contributors in the plans and purposes of the Almighty Savior, come to earth. 

It's true, Jesus would come regardless of their participation.  God could have found other vessels, but He saw past Zechariah's doubt.  God stayed with him, even as He disciplined him for his unbelief.  Mary was blessed because she believed outright.  Zechariah, even in his reluctance obedience, ended up being blessed too.

Our God is that faithful.  He is that merciful.  

Even when eternity is on the line, He doesn't forsake us.  His Promises were fulfilled and the people He asked to be involved were willing - even if the process of getting them there was different.

That gives me a lot of hope for Sophia and myself.  It renews my faith in our Great God, who is more than capable of handling our doubts, our rejection, our disbelief - and yes, even our disobedience...and still doing wonderful things in and through our lives.

Because of this awareness now, I can be more gentle with Sophia in her questioning and patient with her questions.  I don't have to be fed up with it.  I can (and will) remember this stage isn't the last one, or the last time, we will face doubt, disbelief and disobedience with our kids.

This, too, shall pass.
 
Because the church season of Advent is when we remember God's first incarnation and look ahead in anticipation of His Second Coming, I am reassured.  Zechariah and Mary remind me of a singular truth.  It proves without a doubt, the God of Heaven is involved here on Earth.  Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow....even when we have to be convinced to receive them....in faith, eventually, we will.

To Natalie: Year 11 - Birthday Poem

I meant to write a poem for Natalie when she turned 10.  I finally got around to it.  Pretty familiar Wakefield family tradition - poems on milestones.  Better late than never and she got to read it just after having breakfast in bed (a relatively new Vogel family tradition).  For the rest of her birthday - day, she is going to have treats at school.  Then we are going to a mac-and-cheese only restaurant with my family.  Perfect for my girl.  She will get to celebrate with Dave's family in a couple of weeks.

To the left, she is in the middle of all the before-school birthday festivities, with her new rip-stick. (To the right is the gratuitous picture with Toddler, who kept photo-bombing the other shots.)  What a treat she is!  Love this girl so much......

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God's mercy to me is plain

All over your beautiful face.

I look at it and all I can do is

Thank Him for this every day grace.

Your prayers are always answered.

Your jokes (almost) always funny.

Your brain is constantly working,

But it's your unceasing kindness that is sweeter than honey.

Eleven years have flown by.

One day never like the last.

And I know someday that today,

Will seem like a long time in the past.

But for the moment, I want to treasure that,

Everything is still new and exciting for you.

Even your Mac-And-Cheese obsession leads us

To try something new.

Soon, you will be all grown.

A woman in your own right.

When you’ve moved away,

I will miss tucking you in at night.

You’ve taught me how to be a Mom.

You are teaching me, still.

You challenge me to be better.

It’s not a burden, it’s a thrill.

Daddy and I are so proud of you;

It’s tough to think you’ll be soon off on your own.

Even though we want to see what’s next,

We regret it will eventually involve a phone.  (Not today though.)

Always remember I love you,

I am the one who loves you best.

Spread your wings and fly, little bird,

Just always come back to the nest.

Too Legit to Quit

My friend Leslie made a statement, while we were on the phone today, that rung inside me like the Liberty Bell.  We were talking about the obstacles I've been dealing with for the past couple of weeks, namely, two of my kids being sick at any given time.  This following a month long battle with lice during the summer that began right after Natalie broke her arm.

My prayer circle and I have been calling sickness off my house for awhile.  Well, I should say, first it was pestilence (with the lice) and now it's illness.  (I hope the other 2 horsemen of the Apocalypse are busy elsewhere at the moment.)  Still, it's lingering and crops up at fairly inconvenient times, although getting sick is never convenient.  On slower weeks, it is easier to handle, but we haven't had a "slow week," since well before school started.

The crux of the conversation was to restate the reason I've known all this to be happening.  The enemy has been nipping at my heels since I took on more prayer and a role to lead others in prayer at my church.  My spiritual Achilles heels are pretty sore.  We were discussing how the enemy certainly does not like it when we pray, especially when we are praying for big changes, big movements of God.

I told her that's what I've been doing. And that's when she said it.

We think sometimes Satan is trying to sneak up on us, but in reality, he often distracts us with what is already there, that we just haven't noticed.  Sometimes he provides legitimate distractions.

My kids being sick definitely falls in that category.

I didn't stumble, I didn't fall.  I didn't leave myself open for his attack by entertaining the idea of some besetting sin.  No, Satan is using something generally acceptable in life as a reason for me to check out.  All this care for my kids is a concerted effort to keep me out of the game, off the spiritual battlefield.  He has given me a legitimate excuse for hanging back from the responsibilities I've taken on and the growth in the Lord I'm pursuing.

He has given me legitimate reasons to quit.  I could check out and "everyone would understand."

I put that last part in quotes because they would.  They know my bandwidth and family situation.  They would give me a pass to take a breather and be really gracious about it.  Except that is a critical time: for me, our family, our community of faith - even for the world at large.

I'm not saying humanity depends on me.  But Jesus is depending on me.  He's given me a task and if I'm to witness Him in the work of it, I need to keep going.  If I don't, He will raise up someone else and they will get what was to be my crown, my blessings; now and in eternity.

The best reasons to quit always present themselves at the most critical time.  If making you fail is not an option, making you quit becomes the devil's greatest weapon.  If he can discourage you, make you tired and give you lots of good reasons to stay at home, rather than be out with God's people, praying, serving, learning and loving; He will do it.  Make no mistake, He will do it!  He is doing it right now....to me. 

The beauty of all the reasons, distractions, excuses is....the Lord is giving me the chance to learn to see them as opportunities for the acceleration His work.

The ringed rainbow moon at 3:30 am

As I was driving back from the 24 hour Walgreen's at 3:30 am this morning (because we didn't have any infant Advil for Ella), the Lord put something on my heart.  He's been working, steadily and for a long time, to teach me to depend on Him moment-by-moment.  That's the essence of a victorious life in Christ - not the number of souls you save but the number of minutes a day you choose to trust Jesus over everything else.

In one second, He turned my head to see things His way.  He said,

You could keep doing laps around this mountain you want to climb, frustrated by all the interruptions.  Or, you could see this as my throwing you a rope, out of the muck and mire of irritation.  You can depend on me to pull you up, to do this My way and in My time; secure in the fact I know best and eventually this mountain will move, or I will move you around it.

So, there it is, once again: my choice, my challenge.  Believe God or be frustrated His plan (and my day) isn't going the way I envisioned.  Give into these legitimate opportunities to quit, or just take a break from working for the Lord.

OR

(As the modern poet MC Hammer puts it)

I can be too legit to quit.

I am legitimately in Christ.  I am a blood bought purchase and I am every day called His Beloved.  I choose to live in that place, that identity.  I reject the thought I have to feel inconvenienced or this work for God is not worth all the shrapnel I'm being hit with.  I refuse to give Satan any more glory, to let him try and take back any more ground in my life.

It's a process and this preparation will not go to waste.  How and when He will use the character He is forming in me is up to Him,  My part is to let Him do the work.  My part is to let Him teach me how to handle the interruptions and distractions without malice, anger, frustration, irritation - but rather in joy, peace, patience, faithfulness kindness, goodness, and yes....even self-control.

That's what's really legit.

P.S. Don't forget you are just as legit.  Keep going, it will be worth it.

P. P.S. I asked the Lord to show me He can use me, even if I am legitimately distracted with concerns at home.  My best friend Lynn just experienced this phenomena, after being laid up with some health issues.  The Lord literally brought people into her house she could serve and witness to, so I asked for the same opportunity.

It happened!  I got confirmation late this afternoon someone I'm recently acquainted with reads this blog and shares my love for Jesus Calling.  She is encouraged by our story, especially Sophia's victory of cancer.  This confirmation is a reminder to keep doing what I'm doing, whether it feels like I'm making a big impact or not.


It doesn't matter where or who you are, God will make the best of it, when you let Him.

#Straight up #legit

Summer Bridge Workbook LOL to Tears Entry #2

So, a couple of weeks ago, our middle daughter - the ever hilarious Sophia - wrote about what she would keep if she had to give away everything but three things in her room.  It was settled pretty easily - you can read her commentary here.

In her summer bridge workbook, she writes something weekly.  She doesn't try and make it funny every time, but today, I'm pretty sure she worked hard at it.  She was successful.  She was asked about something she could reuse or recycle and how she would reuse or recycle it.

Third Grade has never seen a kid like this.  I hope her teacher is tuned into Sophia's particular brand of dry wit.  Lord, have mercy on us!

(Personally, I think she likes the subtle fame that comes from me posting her work...no matter what she says!)

I would recycle my old toothbrush.  Because its old and I don't want a old, moldy, stinky toothbrush running around my house yelling, "I'm a stinky toothbrush!"  But once my mom sees it, she grabs it and sticks it in my mouth.  And that's when I reuse it.

Here is the original, in all it's unedited glory

I Cried When I Read This

The girls are going through their summer workbooks.  Today, Sophia had to write the following assignment: If you had to give away all the things in your bedroom except for three things, which three things (other than your bed) would you keep?  Why?

In classic style, Sophia wrote the following.  After reading it, I laughed so hard I cried.  

I would keep my underwear.  And my pants and my shirt because what would I have to wear, my dirty pajamas?

Sophia's Story Continues - God is Good All the Time

He is faithful to do what He promises.

It's been a whirlwind morning.  Many of you have seen my updates on Facebook and know the incredible news:  Sophia's "spot" (or scar from where the tumor was) is getting smaller.

And she only has a 2-3 more MRIs to go before she is done with that too!

We have 15 months left before the part of her protocol which is basically just watching her grow.  She'll need blood drawn occasionally, just to track her development (from the inside).  But other than that, this really will be behind her (us).  Our faith in her total healing will be made real.

As I sat here and ate my lunch, I wavered about doing a post.  I scrolled through Facebook to see what is going on in other people's lives.  But I just keep coming back to this....this wonderful news.  I expected it. I wanted it. I prayed for it. I believed God is Someone who does what He promises.

And He did.

Nothing is more important than this.  Nothing is more meaningful than this: God is good ALL THE TIME.

I know there other things happening in the world.  I know there maybe things that are just as major happening to you right now.  You have needs that must be met.  You have struggles and trials and frustrations that need a place to go.  And my heart just keeps screaming out, "He is that place!  Christ is that place!"

Oh, friends.  Would you stop for a moment to just sit in stillness with this one thought in your uplifted, open hands: If you can make a miracle out of Sophia, Lord, you can also make a miracle out of me.

I don't know what will happen when you do that.  As often as I've tried to be, I'm not God, so I can't let you in on how, what or when He does what He does. But I can tell you: if you've been running; or doubting; or wounded; or angry; or desperate; or depressed; or even none of these things at all...God has what you need.

The Lord, Adonai, in the Person of Jesus Christ, IS what you need.

I understand Jesus is the hardest one to get.  

But being in a relationship with Him is what helps this life make sense.  And at the very least, He helps you make sense out of yourself.  He helps you endure your circumstances.  He helps heal you and put you back together because really, we are all some version of Humpty Dumpty.

I'm more than grateful to say Sophia is healthy and whole.  Words cannot express my gratitude.  In fact, I've often wondered what kind of offering I could make to God that would even remotely show my appreciation for His kindness (which is undeserved in so many ways.)

I guess this post is part of that offering.

The last few days, and especially today, have been a test of the freedom given to me Friday when I was released from caregiver back into mother (read about that here.)  It's what I needed and it is what she needed to get farther and farther away from what happened to her in the past; so she can get closer and closer to the beautiful future God is working out.

We still need prayer.  Her left eyebrow and eyelashes need to be fuller.  Any effect of the radiation or chemotherapy on the bone around her left eye, frontal lobe and endocrine system needs to be wiped away along with the little scar that keeps getting smaller.  Every side or long-term effect needs to go away.

But all in all, I know we've passed through the fire.  We've crossed the Jordan and will continue to take the Promised Land one battle a day; depending on our Gracious Warrior-Lord fighting for us.

I'll say it one last time (today).  Whatever your need, no matter how big or small, God is able.  He is creative.  He provides.  Trust in Him to deliver on His terms and in His own time.  Just look at Sophia's face (taken at a birthday party on this past Saturday).  Understand if He has done it for us, He will do it for you.

I don't know when.  Or How.  But He will do it.

Wednesdays of Wonder - A Little Child Shall Hear

Last week when I was working on this series, my oldest daughter, Natalie (who is 10) came in.  I was trying to do some work before school (like now).  I told her what I was writing and she went to take her shower.  After she got ready, she came back in and asked me if I would put her story up as one of my posts.

At first I was dubious, I hate to admit.  Her experience wasn't exactly what I would classify as WONDER-filled.  I thought that because, frankly, what she experienced happens to me all the time.  God downloads stuff into me all day, if I'm listening.  I didn't think it was THAT big of a deal.

But she did.

Quickly I realized my hesitation was all because of pride.  I wasn't seeing her experience from her perspective.  It was huge to her, that she prayed and God answered her with something so remarkably clear.  It proved to her God's love and care and that HE DOES SPEAK TO US.  My ego got the better of me because I'd forgotten it is special to hear from God.  It is remarkable and WONDER-filled!  I wasn't any better than the Disciples who lived everyday with Jesus and then tried to shoo away the little children because they didn't think they were important.  In Mark 10, Jesus said,

"Let the little children come to Me.  Don't stop them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." After taking them in His arms, He laid His hands on them and blessed them. (Mark 10:14-16)

Well, Jesus made it clear, children and child-like faith ARE important.  My choice was plain and simple: Either go by my own thoughts about this series, or trust in my great God who clearly, obviously loves my children.  Do I trust myself or trust God? 

It's a seminal question we must answer in a thousand different situations.  God does test us, not to punish us, but to reveal what is in our hearts.  He wants to conform us into the image of His Son.  Sometimes that means facing ourselves in the mirror.  So, if Jesus loved, accepted and blessed children, the Lord showed me I must to do the same.

(And never mind the miracle of God speaking to my child!  That alone, by itself, with nothing else, is worthy of eternal praise.  The eyes and ears of her heart are tuned to Him - Hallelujah!)

I am deeply humbled and honored today to share with you my daughter's WONDER-ful experience in hearing from God.  She received His direction in a difficult situation, one that has major implications for the rest of her life.  Now, onto Natalie's own words - enjoy today's post!

So, I was praying the night before about how I could love my friend.  I'd been struggling with her actions because they weren't very nice.  When I woke up, I told my Mama what I'd been praying about.  And she suggested that I could pray to God in the shower to see if He would answer me about how to love my friend.

 I went and did as she told me and when I was in the shower, I asked God to help me love my friend and how to be a good neighbor.  And a verse came to me,

Love your neighbor as you would love yourself.  

We looked that up and it's Matthew 22:39.  I thought, "Hey!  That will show me how to love my friend, like I would love myself and not treat her badly!"

I went and told my Mama and she said, "Praise the Lord, you got an answer from God!"  That helped me love my friend, so I would know how to treat her and choose my actions carefully towards her.  It has stayed with me.  Because of that, we have a more happy and fun friendship.

That is my Wednesday of Wonder!

Letter to HISD re: Good Friday Reboot

Well, it's Good Friday.  My kids aren't at school.  In fact, Sophia and I were just discussing what her class was doing.  Since we are early risers here, I let her know her class wasn't in P.E. as she proposed, but just getting to/starting school.  I did hear a rumor a lot of teachers in the Houston Independent School District aren't going to be there today either.

They can take the religious holiday exemption too.  I think that's great.  I know the day was pre-selected before year was ever started, but since HISD administration changes things mid-stride all the time, I figure they could take a cue from their cousin district, Spring Branch, and tack a day on at the end of the year.  Probably be just as much of a headache to do that as all the absences on Good Friday.

Anyway, enough of my soapbox.  I'm re-booting this post, edited a little because I want to focus on why we kept our kids out of school today.  It's Good Friday y'all.  It's the day Jesus died for us, the day He willingly became sin for me, for you, for everyone.  We are going to dye Easter eggs and they are going to make resurrection rolls with our wonderful friend, Ms. Janice. And I'm going to look into our Good Friday options at church and hopefully take at least Natalie.

I want this Good Friday to be different, I want it to be meaningful and focused.  So, it will be.  Here is my previously stated stance, from a slightly different perspective.  Welcome to Good Friday and have a blessed Resurrection Day!

Dear HISD School Board,

 Today is April 18th, 2014, one of the scheduled make-up day for a couple of "snow/ice days" in January.  I know you know by now it is  also Good Friday.  You also chose Memorial Day and that is still up in the air for our attendance purposes.  

For today, as a fervent believer in Jesus Christ, the idea of taking my kids to school on one of the Holiest days of the year stirs up my spirit.  You see Good Friday is the heart of my faith.  It is the reason I'm a Christian.  That day - nearly two thousand years ago - allows me to walk free of sin, guilt and shame.  It gives me freedom from living for the drama of my own agenda and the authority to walk in the wonder of God's plan.

Today is the day Jesus bore all those awful things for me on the Cross, as well as a whole host of other ways I was strapped to the table of eternal judgement.  Because I believe in the horror of Good Friday, I can believe in the incredible hope of Resurrection/Easter Sunday.  It leads me free from the weight of this world; including all the junk I used to (and still) carry around. I'm committed to raising my kids in this faith.  So, I want to thank you for an easy chance to teach them about it.  

This gives me the perfect opportunity to show my girls' how faith applies to life.  Good Friday and Easter Sunday are absolutely the most important events in history, ever.  Because we are out of school, I have the whole day to teach them why our faith is unique, why sin was so awful, God had to die for it.  

I will tell them why Jesus rising from the dead is the miracle from which we base our faith.  Without that event, He would not have proved He was God and our belief would be irrelevant and foolish.  With His resurrection, though, all power is bequeathed to us and we are given the opportunity to live abundant, miraculous lives.  We are saved, made alive, forever!  

Hallelujah!

You've given me a chance to explain our religious civil liberties.  It is a privilege to be American and I want them to absorb the impact of that privilege.  We currently live in a country where we will suffer little to no consequence from our religious choices.  We've lived in other countries, so I understand the gravity of this right.  We have the right to honor God any day of the year and that's a wonderful thing.
The Son of Man had to suffer and die.  He did and I'm so grateful.  I'm thankful for Christ's finished work on the Cross.  I hope other families will join us in our sacrifice of thanksgiving and also take the opportunity to tell others about today.  I hope you will know the truth by which we have been set free: Christ lived, died and now alive!

In the faith, hope and love, 

Amy W. Vogel, Lover of Jesus and City of Houston Taxpayer

A Letter to My Daughter(s)

Hi Honey,

I want to clear the air.  This morning, in the car, we had a difficult conversation.  We talked a lot about a long-standing struggle and you might think I was mad at you.  I was not at all.  How could I be mad at someone for struggling?  That would be the same thing as being mad at you when you don't understand math or reading.

There's no room for anger, at you anyway, in this situation. You are growing into your understanding of the way the world works.  That's who I was really mad at - the world.  I was mad at the enemy of our souls because he uses what the world tells you to make you feel bad about yourself.

Let's just go ahead and agree there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you.

You get embarrassed when you have to stand out.  You believe you are shy because what happened to you made you different.  In my natural knowledge, my life experience as a person, I could tell you all of us feel that way.  I could counsel you on how to cope with feeling insecure.  I would tell you it is a problem you will have to struggle with all your life - the feeling of measuring up to everyone else's standards.

But if I did that, I would be denying all the work Christ has done in my life.  I would remain stunted in my growth because I'd be denying Him, His work on the Cross and on Easter Sunday.  I'd be denying the message He delivered His whole life on Earth.  He came to tell us we are loved and when we trust Him, there is no longer anything wrong with us.  He wanted to show us that in Him, as His family, we no longer define ourselves by the standards of others.  What God the Father, alone, thinks of us is what matters.

Since I've dedicated my life to Him, I should probably stick to what I believe, don't you think?

That's why I talk about Him so much.  That's why I write about Him. He has changed me, completely and constantly.  He is worth talking about all the time, even though one day, you might get tired of hearing it.  (I'm still going to talk about Him, though)

Let me share with you a recent example.  Do you know why Mommy started swimming again - I mean the REAL reason?

It will sound weird but God told me too.  One day, while we were living in Italy, He dropped in my heart a desire to get back in the pool.  You see, the pool is where I've always felt strong.  It is where I feel focused.  I feel connected to the real me - the beautiful me - when I'm under the water.  After I swim, I feel so good.  I may not look any different on the outside (yet) but trust me when I tell you, God gave me a talent for swimming and I am happiest when I'm using that talent well.

I told you I know how you feel.  For a long, long time, I let other people tell me who I was.  I let them tell me I was fat, stupid, lazy, clumsy, incapable of doing anything right and ugly.  The sad news is I believed them!!  They told me what I was doing with my life didn't matter.  They may not have said it out loud, but I knew they thought that by the way they treated me.  Instead of loving me, the world gave me all these rules to follow to be the "best Me."  I never seemed to get or stay there for long.

It wasn't until a few years ago the Lord showed me following those rules only hurt me.  They only kept me from understanding who I really was - His child; His daughter: the apple of His eye.  He showed me how unique I was, how He'd made me just the way I was supposed to be: tall, strong. funny, smart and beautiful.  He revealed to me in kindness the real truth about my real self.  He showed me living life His way wasn't hurtful.  His rules only helped me grow, in a good way.  He used you, your sisters and your Daddy most of all.

You know, I'm not perfect.  But in God's eyes, perfection isn't necessary.  It's our hearts that matter - how we respond to His love that makes all the difference.  We don't have to be perfect and we can feel good about our lack of perfection.  We know a perfect God who loves us perfectly.

No, I wasn't mad at you.  I was mad at the devil for whispering lies to you.  I was mad at the world for shouting "You aren't good enough" already.  I got mad because you believe the worst about yourself at such a young age.  That's not what I want for you, that's not what Daddy wants for you either.  It is also the exact opposite reason of why Jesus lived, died and rose again.

This is not self-help.  You will probably find out that "self-help" doesn't last very long, even though everyone will tell you, "God helps those who help themselves."  Yeah, that's not in the Bible. 

God helps those who help themselves to Him.

This is soul-help.  You are worthy.  Not on your own but in Christ Jesus. He makes you worthy and He makes you better.  Your spirit is just fine and your body isn't the problem either.  It's your soul, that inner you that thinks and feels.  It's the part of you that is hurt.  But you don't have to listen to the hurt. 

You can listen to the hope of the One who made you.

The hurtful voices seem like they are the loudest, but there is only 1 or 2 of them.  The still, quiet voices are greater in number by far.  Listen to me.  Listen to your sisters.  Especially listen to Daddy.  Listen to your grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles.  Listen to the hundreds of people who've prayed for you, who see your pictures on my Facebook page and comment how beautiful and sweet you are.  Listen to what The Lord, Your Creator, Your Savior - says about you.  You are:

• His Child (1 Peter 1:23)
• His Temple (1 Cor 6:19)
• His Beloved (Song of Solomon 6:3)
• Precious (Deut 32:1, Ps 17:8)
• Redeemed (Gal 3:13)
• Forgiven (Eph 1:7, Col 1:14)
• His Friend (John 15:5)
• Powerful (John 14:12, Col 1:12, 2 Tim 1:7, Rev 12:11)
• Free (John 8:31, Rom 8:1)
• Blessed (Deut 28:1-4, Gal 3:9)

I could go on and on.  I know you are a little young to understand what all of this means, but my prayer for you is that you will grow into this identity - who you are in Christ - not who the world already tells you you are.

I love you, my dearest one.  You are a princess, a daughter of the King, even if you aren't really into that idea anymore.  It is still true and will always be.  We have been through so much together as a family.  It breaks my heart to know you've carried this hurt.  But I tell you now, you don't have to carry this burden any longer; it isn't who you are.  I see the real you - and so does Jesus.  When those voices tell you to be ashamed of who you are, all you have to say is,

That's not true.  Jesus loves me and that's what matters.

Love Always, Forever, my incredible one,

Mommy