The Last Post

I've been coming to this post for awhile.  I'm taking inventory of most everything in my life - or at least that's what my friend/counselor Pastor Andy tells me.  It's true.  When my Dad died, it shifted my foundation and I don't understand the full impact of it yet.  It's a big adjustment in uncountable ways.  Big probably isn't the most effective word to use right there, but I'm not always as eloquent as I would like to be. 

I will say it is another order of magnitude of inventory-taking from the season right after Sophia's diagnosis.  Poignantly, my Dad died the day after Sophia was given the all clear.  He got to see it.  Thank You Jesus.

After writing a blog for 7 years, I've come into agreement with God: it is time to move on.  I'm entering into a unknown season, one where I don't share everything God gives me all the time - at least not on an easily accessible public forum.  It is going to be hard for me, as I enjoy the gratification of knowing I've helped people, encouraged them in their faith and (more than a little selfishly) the praise that comes with writing a piece people like.  My love language is Words of Affirmation and when people click "like," comment, email or tell me in person they like what I wrote, it makes me feel pretty darn good, productive and.....deeply fulfilled. 

Writing is a gift God has given me, a gift that touches me at the deepest level.  There isn't anything wrong enjoying the praise that comes from being a useful tool in His hands.  It's just time to have the courage to say Yes to Him using this tool in different and new ways.  It's time to seek His approval alone for a little while.  Does that mean I won't share?

No, I'm on social media (probably too much for some folks) so I will continue to document my family's antics, adventures and the events we experience that move the Kingdom of God forward.  I'm too much of a people person to keep totally silent.

There is an element of discipline and obedience required to go deeper into what the Lord wants to do in and through me.  I've got to be taught to teach.  Also, in order to finish some of the projects He has entrusted me with and will bring to my doorstep in 2016, I need to put this down.  I know I haven't written much lately and didn't quite persevere with #2015TheYearofPrayer like I wanted.  Still, this blog occupies my mind and heart in a way that doesn't leave enough space for the work He wants me to do now.

I read this verse during my quiet time this morning - which put me in a wonder-filled mindset at the timing: For loving God means obeying his commands.  Moreover, his commands are not burdensome, because everything which has God as its Father overcomes the world.  And this is what victoriously overcomes the word: our trust.  Who is it that overcomes the world?  Only the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:3-5, CJB/NIV)

What is coming is not burdensome, just as this blog has not been so, only the opposite.  It's always been a precious outlet.  It's now time for me to take up my Cross in a little different way - to switch shoulders, if you will and trust Jesus more to carry the load.  I treasure those of you I've told about this change, who received it with grace and humility.  Thank you for letting me know how you've enjoyed reading.  I know that's only  15 of you, but still. 

We are all coming to the end of 2015 - headed into a new year, but more than that; it is a fresh start to lay down what we might have carried for too long, plans we've made that aren't producing the sweetest fruit.  It's time for us, as the People of God, to seek, without any timidity, our purposes and destiny in Christ.  We must press in to overcome the barriers and distractions of this world - to step out from behind the curtain and show the world what He has done, is doing and will do through a Church who loves Him, is learning to love itself and wants to others well.

(Not) Incidentally, a couple weeks back, the Lord gave me "my" word for 2016.  If 2015 was Prayer - 2016 is Love.  I thought that word was just for me until I spoke to my friend Wynter this morning and she got the same word!!  The Lord is setting this world up to see what His ultimate display of love really looks like in His People - His United and Unified Church.  The time is short to do it, so we have to do it NOW.

What I've always tried to do on this blog is answer the question, "What does faith look like in real life?"  So: what does God's love look when His people breath it in and out in every moment of life?

Well, the Spirit has given me 2 verses this year - one for my ministry life and one for my personal life.  The ministry one came much earlier in the year, the personal one only since my Dad's passing.  It is the personal one, Psalm 116, that gives me the idea on how to help people understand the reality of what God's love looks like:

Be at rest, once more, O my soul, 
For the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord have delivered me from death,

my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

I just have to tell my story of how good the Lord has been to me.  It's that simple.  It's all you have to do, too.

How has He been good to you?

How has He delivered you from death?

How has He dried your tears?

How has He held you up when you were about to fall?

Ironically, of course, you would think this medium would be perfect for that!  But not in the coming season.  I need to craft my story through alternative means and wait for Him to show me how to share it with the world.

I hope you've felt through these sometimes silly, sometimes desperate and sometimes searching posts that I love Jesus and I love you.  I hope You've seen His marvelous power to destroy the shade of death over the lives of my family and friends.  I hope You've seen how He is teaching me to love myself, by drying my tears over Sophia and thereby giving me permission to cry about other things - including my Dad.  I know I've felt like I've hit the concrete so hard so many times, but in reality, He cushioned, or even broke my fall - even pulling me back just in time.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you laughing and crying with me and listening to my thoughts. Thank You for serving me with your companionship.  I do hope it's made a difference in Your walk with Christ.  He is so close - He left it all to come to us and be not just WITH us, but One of us.  He knows you and He knows me.  He doesn't miss a thing and that's a very good thing.  

Don't stop seeking Him, ever.  Keep getting closer, even if it is uncomfortable or scary.  Even (and especially) when others don't get it.  He is as close as your breath but even closer - as close as the blood pumping in your veins.  I know He wants to do marvelous things through you, and me.  We are all in this together.  By trusting what He has done and how He is demonstrating it through us, we do overcome everything this world throws at us.

Keep in touch!  I will.

amysvogel@hotmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/awvogel 

https://twitter.com/amywvogel

Tears - An All Saints Day Tribute

As I often do, I'll start this post off with some brutal honesty.

I've never given All Saints Day much thought.  It is a centuries old tradition, especially meaningful in the first 300 years of the Church when so many were martyred.  It still has a place today, and in the Methodist church, on the first Sunday of November, we celebrate the lives of those who've gone home to heaven in the last year.  As a family, we've lost people before now - including Dave's beloved grandmother Mable 18 months ago.  Yet, it's never hit this close to home; so close to pull me out of my self-absorbed reverie to grasp the full meaning. This All Saints Day, the day we put my Dad's ashes in the ground after church, definitely brings the full concept painfully close.

I woke this morning with a song in my head, "Already There," by Casting Crowns (you can listen to it here).  I've listened to that song a lot in the last 6 weeks.  We all have moments where we look at God and go, "What is happening?  Why?  When?  Where?....Huh, God?"  It is immensely comforting for me to be able to say, One day I'll stand before You and look back on the life I've lived. I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit.

Today, of all days, when I know it will be so hard, I am desperately clinging to that hope of glory.  There will be a day when those questions get answered.  It's funny to think, too, some of those questions I think are so important right now will not be when I'm standing next to Jesus. 

But for right now, just for today, for the next few hours, I'm not going to ask any questions.  I am just going to rest in the comfort of knowing God has me.  He has us.  He has my Dad.  He has the whole world.  He has not lost His grip. He is  present and able, always.  He is kind and gracious.  He loves me.  He loves you.  He knows it hurts and how badly it does.  He is already at the end of my life on earth but at the same time, and I write this with incredible mystery and wonder, He is right here with me in this moment and time.  I know all of that for sure, even if I don't understand it at all.

For anyone out there struggling like me, on this All Saint's Day, I gained permission from my friend
to post a vision she shared with me this week.  It is SO powerful, it shifted my thought-life about the world to come in a major way.  My friend is working through a decade-old grief and recently had a healing experience in prayer which is nothing short of otherworldly.  It's called Tears and will speak to the heart of anyone who's lost a loved one, as well as all those who've wondered what the Lord really does with our tears.  It's precious.  Please take it in and know the Lord indeed provides this level of comfort to all when we ask. 

Lord, You've kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.  You've stored my many tears in Your bottle, not one will be lost.  You care about me every time I've cried.  For it is recorded in Your book of remembrance. - Psalm 56:8

I asked the Lord for a picture and this is what He gave me.  I share it with you.

I saw your tears, I felt my own - I fell to my knees.  Why Lord, why so much pain - who will carry all this pain?

In an instant I was swept away to a place; a weighty place so beautiful that words alone are insufficient.  I believe it was a secret place, for the most magnificent beings I have ever seen lined the room in majesty.  There were more than I could count and each one was holding a bottle.  Was it a bottle of light?  A bottle of gold?  A bottle of glory?  I could not tell.

No one spoke and I knelt, trembling in fear.  When I looked up, one bottle caught my eye.  It seemed to shine like the stars of Heaven.  The angel holding it summoned me toward it.  As I came near I saw its color; iridescent blue mixed with a majestic purple I have never seen on earth.  I could not take my eyes off such a stunning sight - my eyes were fixed, almost frozen as I looked upon this jar of beauty.  What was stored in such a container?  It could only be something worth more than all the wealth of the nations or all the hearts of men.  What could it be?

As I looked at this amazing bottle, I saw a name written on it - it was your name. The angel tipped the bottle and summoned me to look in - I trembled and tried to look away but I could not; I wanted to see the treasure within.  As I looked, I saw you my sweet friend, crying.  There you were, broken-hearted and tears unstoppable.  Before I could reach out to you, I saw your tears dropping, dropping into the beautiful bottle.  Yes, every tear spilling into this jar, not one to be lost.  As I watched the scene before me, I saw your tears turning into gems, diamonds and sapphires.  Each tear that dropped turned into splashes of beauty that were carefully contained so as not to be lost.   

I looked up at the angel as if to ask why but then I saw beyond the tears - it was a great and glorious ocean, iridescent blue and majestic purple splashing upon the beach.  Each splash formed a beautiful gemstone creating the sand.  Then I saw Him - my Jesus - His eyes the color of the ocean, His smile so joyful my heart could barely contain such magnificence.  He was running and laughing in the sand.  He was playing with someone - a family - I looked, it was you.  You were together - all of you - your faces looked happy, joyful yet filled with a peace I have never seen.  I watched Jesus as He carefully ran His hand through the sand.  It was as if the joy were come from the gems that formed the sand.

Yes, the joy was coming from the gems; the diamonds and sapphires that had been your tears.  The ones He had guarded so closely and stored in this jar of beauty were shining with joy.  How could this be - such pain turned to joy?  I looked again and I saw you crying, yet dancing together in the sand at the same time.  Could this ?  Two worlds so carefully knit together?  One of pain and one of joy?

Then I asked: WHY LORD ARE THESE TEARS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT NONE ARE TO BE LOST?

Immediately the angel tipped the jar so I could no longer see the contents but before me sat another bottle.  This one was gold, so bright I could barely look upon it but I saw for a fleeting moment the name: THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB.

I fell to the floor with my face down for fear I would die at such a precious sight.  My Savior's blood - the very blood that was shed for my life.  And then I knew....His blood that come from such a great sacrifice was shed for our tears, your tears, my tears, all the pain of this world.  Those tears were worth more than I could think or imagine and none were to be lost.

In an instant I was back on my knees, tears streaming down my face - tears for you.  The Lord was there holding a bottle - this one had my name on it - collecting my tears; the ones He gave His life for.  At that moment I let go - I surrendered my tears to Him who promised to carry my sadness, my pain, my heartbreak.  I know each tear has a safe place till Heaven and earth are one.  I do not understand but I will trust.

I pray that you will allow your tears to flow freely - for not one is ever lost or wasted and someday those tears will be like grains of sand that look like diamonds filling an ocean that only knows JOY.

I am forever thankful for you...my friend. 

Help Me With My Half-Belief

I went to a Book of Acts level house-church service last night.  That's the only way I can describe it.  Last week, a dear, sweet sister-friend of mine gave me a couple of books she felt would really speak into me during this season of my life.  She was right-on.  As I read them, I became aware that I needed her and a few others to pray the Father's tender love into me.

(As I texted her this morning - I would have needed that gentle refilling anyway.  I didn't realize how much I was weary in doing good.  The signs were there but my Dad's death showed me with alarming clarity that I was doing so much in my own strength.  The wound was there.  My Dad's passing just made the hole that much larger.)

So, we set it up.  No one really knew, even Sarah and I, what to expect.  When you turn everything over to God, He shows up in totally unexpected and fantastic ways.  It was better than we could have imagined even if we'd tried.  For me personally, I was able to grieve in the comforting arms of my heart family (everyone needs people like this....where you can be totally walls down...it is what Christianity is really all about.)  I entered into the story of Mary and Martha meeting Jesus after Lazarus' death.  I went there with all the pain and anguish of losing my Dad, which I'd not really touched deeply since he passed.  They laid loving hands on me as I cried on their knees.  Sarah anointed my head with pomegranate oil as I washed Jesus' feet with my tears.

Following that (there was so much more to come even though that release would have been enough), I was knocked over by the power of God so I could receive the light and warmth of the re-filling/overfilling of Christ's love for me.

After that (yes, still more), they prayed the heaviness off of me: those burdens I've carried for 3 long weeks (and truly longer).  THEN AFTER THAT (yep, still more), we took communion together.  It was just otherworldly.  I have never experienced the Body and Blood of Christ in a way that literally changed me from the inside out.  Warmth spread over my chest in a physical reflection of His love.  I could breath more freely than I have in weeks (and possibly ever). That feeling has yet to leave me and I pray it never does.  Jesus showed me, in a physical way, His burden is SO MUCH LIGHTER THAN MY OWN. (Matthew 11:27-28).

Then (still going) we laughed and praised and danced and celebrated in the joy of the Lord like total IDIOTS.  My cheeks cramped and my abs are sore today from laughing so hard.  We continued to pray and share until it was finally time to go home.  I fell asleep with the lightness and warmth in my heart and a smile on my face.

I know that's a long story but I share it for one reason: to let you know what is possible with God.  When my friend Cindi and I were driving home, we were discussing her vision.  She (literally) saw angels around the crown molding in the room.  Sarah then, a few minutes later, saw the trumpets the angels held.  They didn't just see it with spiritual sight.  THEY ACTUALLY SAW THEM.

There's a part of our minds that wants to write things like that off, even though you know they are real.  You question what you are seeing and lean into it couldn't be real; you are making it all up inside your head.  Our flesh wants to write it off.  Why? A lot of reasons, but I think mostly because we don't want people to think we are crazy and it doesn't make sense.  The supernatural is hard to process because it is well...not natural.

What do you think would happen, though, if we stopped questioning so much?  Most people I know aren't prone to hallucinations.  They are rational and lucid, so experiencing things like what happened to us last night - can and does happen.  I have to wonder - what if it isn't our faith we have to suspend but rather our skepticism about God and what He will do? 

This is not a new question.  Eric Metaxas recently released an excellent exposition on the miraculous (simply called Miracles.  I highly recommend).  C.S. Lewis explored their possibility in one of his books (also simply titled Miracles, which I'm about to read).  Believing in the supernatural wonders of God is not a new question, but it is the one us Western-educated people seem to struggle with the most.  We find the struggle in Scripture, too, of course.

It's the same question Jesus posed to the father of the possessed boy in Mark 9.  The Complete Jewish Bible translates verse 23 as:  What do you mean, 'if you can'? Everything is possible to someone who has trust!  Eugene Peterson's The Message puts that verse like this: If?  There are no 'ifs' among believers.  Anything can happen!

The father responds with faith - or rather what I would call half-faith. As Cindi and I talked last night, a thought came to me.  It isn't really unbelief or true doubt.  We can't imagine what is possible because we've never seen it.  Even though Scripture tells us to walk by faith and not by sight, we are still very, very visual creatures.  Really I should say sensual; by which I mean we experience this world through our 5 senses.

Yet, God consistently asks us to step out of what we can touch, taste, see, hear and feel.  For those that do, we are rewarded with richer, fuller faith.  He did say those who believe and don't see would be blessed (John 20:29).  The Lord God made us for tangible experiences, even as He is intangible.  So, in faith, or should I say, by faith alone, we are to trust when we step out into blank space, He will catch us by providing the foundation to land on.

It's hard.  I know.  Even seeing what I've seen, it is still hard to come out of my own head.  I want to know what to expect.  I want to know what He is going to do.  That's just not the way He works.  So, it is easier to stay in my lane, expecting nothing or (worse) what has happened before.  This is the Creator we are talking about though.  If no two snowflakes are the same, why would His answers to prayer be the same?

I looked up the Greek word in Mark 9:24 for "unbelief."  A lack of belief isn't completely accurate - it is better to say lack of faithfulness or "want of faith."  The boy's father clearly had enough faith to come to Christ, so for that reason alone, I can say he clearly had some faith. 

Still, his challenge, and the challenge to us, is to believe in God's choice of the way to work, rather than our own understanding or choosing of the way things work (Proverbs 3:4-5).  The Lord set the laws of the universe into motion and, generally speaking, works within that known order.  However, He doesn't have to - or more realistically - our knowledge of the laws that govern our existence are still (even with all the advances and technology) impartial at best.  If anything, our discoveries show us how little we actually do know.  

So, Jesus is asking the father - and us - to stop limiting Him.  Stop expecting to know what He is able to do.  Stop trying to guess how He will work, or worse, tell Him what He should do.  He wants us, as His children, to humbly come, expecting He is going to do something - and it will be better and more complete than what we could dream up.

I close with the boundaries of my limits being pushed.  Here's my version of Mark 9:23: Just come with Me.  Just go with what I am doing.  I can do anything.  Do you believe Me?

And after last night - this is my new response: I believe Lord....help me stop half-believing and fully trust You can and will do abundantly more than I can ask or think or expect.

2015: The Year of Prayer....I've missed a few weeks.

So, it's been awhile since I posted on this year long journey to document my life in prayer.  I just counted back and I guess this is Week 38.  It feels like an ocean of time has passed since the last time I thought to write.  I tried last week Tuesday and it didn't go very well.  I don't even really have the mental fortitude to journal.

The truth is, I hit a wall.  My Dad died.  Prayer was/is about the only thing I could/can really do "well," because the Lord is the most consistent voice in my head.  Every other input is all messed up.  My emotions are all over the place.  I'm either not hungry or starving.  My mind starts to spin on all sorts of weird ideas and there are some nights when sleep completely eludes me.

In short, things are off-kilter in my life.  I feel unbalanced and destabilized.  A good visual here is my desk....it's just a mess.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for the calls, comments, emails, texts, cards, hugs, meals and condolences we've received.  I'm not capable of taking it all in or talking to everyone, but I am so grateful...Please know that.  We have so much to do to help my Mom get organized and the details of death continue to roll along.

The reality is starting to set in.  Friday it hit me hard.  I took some notes in the middle of my anguish (in the middle of the night) and to look at them is painful.  I don't include them because they are too personal and intimate, and would be at the very least, awkward for you.  It is a painful place we are in.  Saturday hit still harder when, in starting to clean out Dad's office, I found a file with my initials on it.  There were a few letters in there, one from in the last five years that starts, "Dad, our pastor encouraged us to write a note to the people in your life that mean the most to you....."

That's as far as I got.

In the middle of this mess is a life still to be cared for.  Something is pushing me through.  It's being a a wife and a mom, even if the person in those roles is a little nutty in certain moments.  It's being a daughter and a sister.  It's being a prayer warrior and friend.  It is who I am to just keep going but I'm pretty dang tired of going. 

We are still being held, kept close to the side of our Shepherd-Father-Comforter.  He is ever-present.

My spirit/soul/mind and body have been craving The Word, so I went and bought myself a couple of Bibles last week (which is crazy because I already have a lot but I figure it's a good investment).  One of them is a One Year Bible and part of this morning's entry, Psalm 77, really encapsulates how I feel.  The Psalms, I believe, were inspired, written and included because the Lord wants us to know He created, understands and gets the range of human emotion.  Bonus for me, this was written by Asaph, my personal favorite Psalm writer (although David is pretty good too.)  I like Asaph because he usually echos my voice as a person and a writer.  Asaph writes what I think.

We have a long way to go but we have a God who specializes in being in it for the long-haul.  Thank you for your prayers, keep them coming.  My Mom, my brother, myself and our families need them now that the dust is settling and the real work of grieving begins.  Love you.  Hug, Friend.

 Psalm 77 - For Jeduthun. Of Asaph.
 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.  When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.  I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. Selah.

You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.  I thought about the former days , the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.  My heart mused and my spirit inquired: "Will the Lord reject forever?  Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful?  Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Selah.

Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."  I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.  Your ways, O God, are hold.  What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.

The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.  The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.  Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.  Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.  You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

The Words of God

I have no record of the best artistic piece I've ever created.  It truly was a miracle, primarily because I possibly have a negative amount of hands-on creative ability.  My house looks decently decorated because I can arrange photos and think up ways things look nice together.  But vision and design - and the hardest part - implementation of that vision and design - allude me completely. 

Maybe that's why I liked this little playdoh statue I made so much.  Not only was it actually pretty
good, but it dealt with words, specifically, C.S. Lewis' creative interpretation of how the Lord spoke the universe into being.  We know those first words - LET THERE BE LIGHT - from Genesis.  Lewis, in the Chronicles of Narnia: The Magician's Nephew presents that "speaking" in a most unique way.  He intimates that Aslan - the God/Christ figure in his Narnian universe - sang creation into being.

In the darkness something was happening at last.  A voice had begun to sing…it seemed to come from all directions at once…Its lower notes were deep enough to be the voice of the earth herself.  There were no words.  There was hardly even a tune.  But it was beyond comparison, the most beautiful noise he had ever heard.  It was so beautiful Digory could hardly bear it. (p. 62)

Creation starts not truly with words our ears could hear but in tunes we can feel; tones and notes so beautiful you think you might actual die from the experience of hearing them.  My brilliant clay sculpture was my version this Great Lion singing, with his wide, ferocious mouth forming a "O," that one Sunday night in Bible Study, ten (or more) years ago. 

(This was before the days of smartphones, dear children, so I couldn't document it.  I know it hurts your head to think of the dark, dreadful and seemingly complicated days your parents grew up in, when they didn't have easy access to everything.)

It lives on in my memory and, of course, in my pride.

Perhaps that is why I acquiesced to my mother's wish for a doctor in the family when I chose my major in college: Pre-Med.  Creation, especially the intricate ways the human body works together (99% of the time without us even being aware it is WORKING) is completely fascinating.  It's beautiful, exquisite in it's rhythms.  It is marvelous and majestic that I sit here breathing, thinking and typing.  It ranks as one of the most fantastic miracles of all time.

I'm a little philosophically poetic today, for some reason.  I digress.

The Words of God - and truly the Living Word of God (the Logos...that is Jesus Christ Himself) - are very important in our spiritual development.  Just over a month ago, as I was reading the first chapter of John, when the Lord bubbled something up in my spirit about the words He speaks into our lives.  All of these words come from THE WORD, meaning Christ, via His Spirit. 

Parenthetically - it is important to note all words we receive, from natural or supernatural sources, should actively be held up against the light of Truth - the full context of the Bible - as well as experience and feeling.  Sometimes that's obvious and sometimes it requires playing hide and seek for awhile until you get the confirmation.  Either way, that's fundamental Christian living - the balance of biblical knowledge and spiritual experience. We are people of Spirit and Truth, after all.

Back to beginning of August - I'm reading about Christ as The Logos and I get an idea we should be asking more regularly for God to speak - and speak specifically - in a word we can understand.  It's not a foreign idea, I've been asking for rhema words of knowledge and wisdom for awhile, but this was the first time the idea of these words having a category came to me.

Picture an org chart: Jesus is at the top as the Ultimate and Final Revealed Word of God but underneath Him are 3 subsets of words we can be asking Him for: creation, incarnate and resurrection words.

When I prayed on this idea (and you pray on it too, again, confirmation is key) the thoughts started to percolate some more.

Creation Words are those words God speaks into you/your life that create something out of nothing.  For instance, where a calling did not exist in your mind/heart/life before, suddenly it is there.  Or maybe where there were no funds in the bank, you receive an unexpected check in the mail.  Even more dramatically, where there no baby in your womb yesterday, now you are pregnant.

Creation words bring beauty and hope.  They spring up from nothing, just as our universe sprang up from the mouth of God all those millennium ago.  Where there were was no light, dirt, rivers, mountains, birds, mosquitoes, bananas or even people before, now there is.  Cool, huh? 

Incarnation Words are those words that help us know more about Jesus - Who He is and what He does.  We find a lot of these words in Scripture, but I believe He can give us more.  You could probably describe your best friend in 3 words but would that encompass all he or she really is? 

Incarnation words also tell us who we are in Christ.  They reveal more of Him and as a result, more of our identity and ability as Christians.  They are words we are to lean into when we start to slip or get confused or even as the enemy tries to trick us into believing lies.  They are words we can stake our faith on, and in fact, as in the case of Philippians 2:6-11, they are doctrinal.  Stay with me....

(Finally, of course) Resurrection Words are those words of desperate hope, faith and peace only Jesus, in the power of the Holy Spirit, can speak.  These are words that bring dead dreams, emotions, situations and, yes, even people back to life.  God alone has the final word on everything, so it stands to reason, if He wants something living that is dead - He can and will do it.  The Resurrection of Jesus is what gives our faith credibility and power.  If it didn't happen, our faith is smoke.  BUT IT DID HAPPEN!!!  As a result, we can count on things coming back from the brink of death and beyond, when that meets His plan and purposes.

These are words we can't speak ourselves.  We don't have the capacity in our humanity.  It is only the divinity given to us by faith that makes these kinds of words possible - even desirable - to us.  They move us forward and bring light into our darkness - just as the WORD's First Word brought light into the void. 

I see there are other categories of words I haven't touched on (or experienced yet).  Another I thought of while typing: Salvation Words.  Those are words that save what is lost, make the broken whole and complete.  These are the words that bring wayward children home, rescue us from our slimy pits and put a fine robe on us so we can go to the party hand in hand with our loving Father.  I definitely think that ties into the Person of Christ - into Incarnation - because Jesus' name means The Lord Saves....to the utmost.  His life and death prove it. 

I don't know what kind of word or words you need spoken, prayed or even sung into your soul today, but I pray you get them.  I pray He changes you with these words, by the power of His Word, in Spirit and (of course) in truth.  He delights to give them.  I think He is talking constantly and we are the ones who have to slow down, turn down the volume of our thoughts enough to hear Him.

He is there for the having and these words are here for the taking.  I hope you don't pass them up!

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 32 and 33

Pray for me.  It's been PEA-NUTS.

The last week of summer and the first week of school are in the books.  If I thought there was little time to write during the summer, I had even less time this first week of school.  It was a Release week (our monthly praise and prayer service at church), I spoke to a women's group and we were having our floors replaced.  All that plus a few "extras," made this a week that left me spinning.

On Monday or Tuesday, I reported to my mom that one of the girls was going to have a fit by the end of the week.  Little did I know it was going to be me!

I am hopeful I'm off the roller coaster of the last 2 weeks (and 2 1/2 months of summer).  With the establishment of our new routine (with Natalie in 6th grade at West Briar Middle School and Sophia in 4th at Shadowbriar Elementary...both new schools for us) and Ella Grace going back to Mother's Day Out next week.....I'm hoping, praying and looking forward to some time for me to be creative; to write and just generally pursue all the "professional" opportunities the Lord is continuing to present.

I'm asking for protection, guidance, insight, strength and compassion in all areas, with my family (always and ever) coming first, as well as knowing how to balance all the other good stuff coming my way.

Even as I've been going in a million different directions, wearing multiple hats per day, the spiritual work continues.  Sometimes it is through joy, sometimes through power and sometimes through tears and frustration.  I've prayed with people and witnessed them have breakthroughs, as the Lord prepares them for what He has next.  I've seen the ministries I'm involved in start to come into their own and the people I'm walking life with grow in leaps and bounds.  I've seen people in devastating emotional circumstances be kept in perfect peace.

This life, this faith is not designed to be grasped completely this side of Heaven.  I feel that so acutely sometimes it hurts.  But my outbursts, the explosions of emotion are much fewer and farther between,.  They catch everyone (including me) off guard because the grace of God is so thick around our family.  Everyone was surprised Friday night when I went a little bonkers, but by Saturday morning, we'd all gotten right again.

The Lord has taught me what it means to have a sound mind (even if I have my moments of crazy).  The Spirit is teaching me what the fruit of the Spirit of temperance (or what we call self-control) looks like.  More than anything in this last year, I've learned the process of bearing this fruit is both a joy and a burden.  It's a joy because when we learn to manage our flesh (I mean emotions, thought patterns, etc.), we see what it looks like to live like Christ.  It's a burden because sometimes we just want to have a pity party and behave badly.

The Spirit is indeed willing but the flesh can still be pretty weak.

With this in mind, I'm remembering how much anchoring in Scripture I need.  I've gone back to it after being out of Bible Study and daily reading of the Word, for more than a few months.  I've been reading a lot of books - which is good - but there just is no substitute for the Bread of Life and Truth - Our Lord and Savior's very words.

I'm in the Gospel of John - only in Chapter 4 after several weeks.  I'm trying to savor it.  That sounds very high and lofty but it is more satisfying a craving or scratching a desperate itch.  My spirit feels the lack when I'm not in the Word.  It is a necessity; daily mind and heart renewal, being reminded what is important so I can go about living life in a way that is worthy and worth it.  This morning, from the Message, I read these words from Jesus to the Samaritan women at the well: It's who you are and the way you life that count before God.  Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.  That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship.  God is sheer being itself - Spirit, Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration. (John 4:23-24)

I have not done any of this perfectly in the last 2 weeks.  But I take comfort in knowing I have been myself, just as I am, before God.  I don't think the actual execution of worship, prayer, service, etc, ever has to be perfect...frankly because we don't know what perfection - true Godly (pure, holy, righteous) perfection - really looks like.  Furthermore, we really can't be perfect this side of heaven (or Christ's 2nd coming).  And the Lord KNOWS THAT.  That's why Jesus came, to give us a shot again, as imperfect and flawed as we are, even after justifying faith takes root in our lives.

That theological reality is an enormous comfort to me, as someone recovering from a performance-based value system.

Even as perfection alludes me, God's grace in all its forms and types, does not.  He is way too big, way too loving, way too merciful to let me slip backwards.  So - forward on I press, towards the goal of knowing, loving, serving and sharing the prize of Jesus Christ.  (Phil 3:14).

I figure that's about the only thing I really have to do.  If I do that, He will make sure it will all work out for His glory and my goodness.  

That is something to be thankful for and I am.  Always something to be thankful for, in this life with Christ.

I hope you can find more than enough thankfulness when you think about your last few weeks.  Sometimes it takes some work to dig it out.  Other weeks praise of God is the most natural thing ever.  Wherever you are, I encourage you to take a moment - to center yourself, take a deep breath and thank the Lord for something.  It is a great start and a good habit to have throughout the day.

Keep praying.  Keep presenting all your requests with thanksgiving.  Keep finding things to be thankful for because that's how our world gets changed for the better.

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 28 and 29 - Catch Up Post

This summer has been spanking my "regular" schedule.  Really, in summer time, with 3 kids at home, there is no "regular."  But the last 2 weeks have been particular out of the norm, as we've been on vacation and extremely busy when home.  I didn't even lead our URPrays meeting last Wednesday - SHOCKER!

(Moseka Medlock, my lead prayer partner in the Upper Room did a fantastic job.  Too bad she doesn't follow this blog, I'll have to tell her later about how I'm going to take advantage of her love for Wednesday night prayer more often in the coming year.  ;))

My last post described a Wednesday night where the Lord gave me more freedom.  These last 2 weeks have been a lesson in walking that out.  Before, if my regular devotion routine was different, I would struggle against guilt.  Now I know the guilt is gone.  I got the time in the last 2 weeks to do "living prayer," where I prayed wherever I was.  It was a really neat experience because it confirmed what was spoken over and into me that night.

I hear from the Lord.  I know Him.  He knows me.  He is always with me.  I am never disconnected from His Spirit because His Spirit is on the inside.  I am valuable to Him and to His people, wherever I am.

Experiencing God not something I have to earn because I got up early and sat down to be quiet.  He is always available.  I knew this, but because I was so wrapped in insecurity, doubt was fostered, so I have always struggled with mentally accepting it.  I knew it in my heart but my head didn't believe it.  So, by practicing centering on Him, wherever I was, talking (mostly silently...which has also been a stretch for me, to believe I'm praying with power when not speaking) about whatever was happening or on my mind.....The Lord and I got just that much closer.

On the beach playing with my family, He was with me.

Cooking meals and cleaning up, He was with me.

In the morning before I got out of bed, He was there.

At night when I was dead tired, He was there.

Anytime......He was, is and will always be there for me.

I read parts of Psalm 139 this morning, in which King David describes this whole concept.  This is my version of it:

You have searched me.  You know me.  You see me wherever I am, in whatever I'm doing.  You know what I am going to say before I say it.  He protect and keep me, holding me, making me safe and secure in Your care and compassion.

I seek You again, so You can sort-through me, soaking into me, renewing me.  Anything that offends You, remove from my heart, mind, soul and life.  Let me continue to walk the love-lighted path, being made more fully alive in You.  Renew the best of You in me.

Things got back to semi-regular status this weekend and I am grateful for it.  I'm grateful for the time away because there is just nothing quite like coming home - to our home and our church home. I'm continually grateful and finding that is the key to unlocking the Presence to flood my heart and mind again. 

There is still much to pray for.  Our world needs our prayers more than ever.  God's people need hope and direction or they will continue to wander in the wilderness.  I am called and you are called to roll up our sleeves and do our part.

But thankfully, He also calls off to far-away places, for refreshing and restoration.  I got that, praise God.  I'm ready to work again. 

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 27

Have you ever read something in Scripture, but never fully, truly believed it?

Have you ever, for years, wished for something to be true but it never rang that way inside your soul?

Have you ever looked in the mirror, knowing God loves you but never deep down, felt it?

Yeah, me too.

Nothing about praying a lot or leading people in prayer or knowing the Bible really well or consistently hearing from the Lord or having a deep well of hope, purpose and meaning completely erased this nagging sense of doubt in my mind and heart.  When I would read the verses about being dearly loved, treasured, purified, whole, beautiful in the Bible, I didn't completely accept it for myself.  I'm being as blatantly honest as I can.  I've been journaling for weeks now about how I knew the Lord wanted to rid me of these deep-seated insecurities.  It's been a good 4 months of full consciousness of this nonsense (for I've known it was nonsense for the last 11 years since I came back to Christ).  But still, my thoughts about myself never quite matched God's thoughts about me.

It wasn't just that, though, either.  My thoughts about who I was never quite lined up with anyone else's thoughts either.  That's why I have always been uncomfortable when people compliment me -  on anything.  I am literally struck dumb and my response comes out feeling painfully awkward and inadequate.

That's the word - inadequate.  For most of my life, on and off, I have felt I'm in no way up to the task - whatever that task is.  That's spilled over into my perception of my physical self too.  (I know I've written about this before, even last week.  See, it's been on my mind for a long, long, long time).  Culture grossly inflates the idea that you aren't good enough and then add in the efforts of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy....well, I just didn't believe what others said.

I've had moments of fleeting freedom.  Multiple times, I set my face like a flint against this insecurity but it never lasted more than a few days.  I knew the end of it was coming, though.  I've witnessed and participated in too many miraculous works of God lately to think He wasn't going to set me free from this.  I just had to wait on the right time, when everything was lined up in His order. In our Wednesday night regular prayer meeting, it was.  

It didn't start that way, for the first 45 minutes, I was leading the prayers.  But it ended with me on the floor being prayed over...and stuff getting prayed out.  It was a most holy and interesting experience.  I'm tempted to get on my face now, I am still so humbled by it.  Thanks to the gifted and Holy Spirit-led ministrations of 9 friends family members, all that insecurity, all that inadequate feeling was removed from my soul and body.  I didn't thrash around, I never lost control of my mental facilities - I was a willing and able participant.  I contributed to the process because I knew it was time for all this double-mindedness to go.

For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind...For being as he is a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), he is unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything he thinks, feels, decides.

The Apostle James wrote that in the first part of his letter (James 1:6,8).  It describes who I was when I thought about myself.  40 years of hesitating, dubious, uncertain thinking about agreeing with God about me was healed.  It was really a miracle hour for me, a long time in coming.  Even (and especially) church leaders need to be prayed for and poured into.

This is not the end of the story - I still have to walk this truth out.  I have to stand firm against the wiles, tricks, illusions, imaginations of the enemy, the influence of the world and even when my own negative self talk rears its ugly head.  I have to remember to walk down a brand-new neurological path.  I can't go on auto-pilot down the same-old worn trail of self-doubt.  I have to remember the word the Lord left with me after that intense session was "Today you will be with Me in paradise."  The real truth of it is, I'm already there but not yet completely.  It's the now-not yet principle of eternal life in Christ.

(Read what I have to say about that idea here.)

The difference now verses before prayer on Wednesday is: the hole that was filled with insecurity and doubt is now filled with truth and faith.  I am secure in Him and I believe it.  I am not perfect and I am indeed more dependent on Him than ever.  But real freedom comes from dependence and obedience.  I can actually point to the area of my body where all those ugly feelings and thoughts were housed and know that place is now cleansed and cleared.

It really was a miracle.  That's the currency God deals in if you let Him.  He doesn't want His children to suffer, especially under the weight of any other yoke than His.  Every burden we would put on our own shoulders (or others have put on us) is too heavy.  Ella says that now when she tries to pick up a basket or bag.  She tries, puts it back down and looks at me.  She says, "Too heavy Mama."

We need to look at our Heavenly Father and say the same.  

I finally put this burden down.  I know and believe the truth of who I am....and when you know the Truth, you are free indeed.

2015: The Year of Prayer, Week 26

If you went to church with me last week, you might have seen me trying hard not to come apart during this song. Never heard it before but sometimes, the Lord comes upon me unexpectedly like that.  When that happens, your very spirit shifts.  Like tectonic plates moving around, an earthquake happens - in your soul, mind, body and ultimately in your life.

This song is called "Good Good Father" by Housefires.  I've listened to it about 49 times (that's 7 times per day if anyone is counting) in the last week.  To the point where my husband, every time he sees me with my earbuds in and tears streaming down my face says, "You are listening to that song again."

Deep within me I have been unsettled for most, if not all, of my life.  I've struggled against insecurity in every imaginable way.  It drove to me success in business but that's not a good thing I realize now.  Over two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and had enough of insecurity - especially about the way I look - running roughshod over my heart and mind.  I just got sick of living from that place anymore...by myself.  I don't want to think badly of myself or steel myself as I go to look in the mirror.  I want to see and feel the connection to how others see me.  My body image issues are only just a symptom of a much deeper problem: I don't love what God created....me.

Yet, that is the core of this song.  It is the crux of our new life in Christ.  It is what the Apostle Paul was saying in Romans 8 (I think I need to memorize the whole chapter): Don't live the old way.  Live the new way, bought with a price and it lasts forever.  Please God, not just yourself or anyone else.

One of the things that struck me as I've listened to this song so much is......this must be what Jesus' prayer time was all about.  You read over and over and over again that He often escaped the crowds and His Disciples to go off to "lonely places" and pray.  (That's probably from the King James version).  And I've always wondered.....

What did Jesus pray about when it was just Him and His Abba?

Jesus came to meet His Father to remember Who He was and to be Beloved.  The world, even His closest friends, ran roughshod over His heart and mind too.  So, when it was just the two of them, Father and Son, I have no doubt it was not just face-to-face like Moses.  There had to be a deeper connection.  To me, Jesus' personal "quiet time" as we like to call it had to have been the most contemplative heart prayer ever.  I believe it was the real-time, whole-self integration of Him and God.  When I listen to this song....it defines for me Jesus' personal prayer life....and I realized this week it can be my personal prayer life too.

Jesus prayed all kinds of prayers - He is our model for prayer after all.  And I lead a church prayer ministry, which is continuing to grow and expand.  I pray often for others and with all different types of prayers.  But more and more, in my own early morning time, it is VERY contemplative.  Sometimes so much centering is going on, I fall asleep...till I hear someone else wake up (then sort of scramble to look like I was "in prayer" and not just knocked out.)

(Come to think of it, I wonder if that time when Jesus was asleep on the boat during that really bad storm was after some centering/contemplative prayer....I look forward to asking Him about that someday.....among many other things!!)

My guess is Jesus needed this prayer time as much as I do because it is the only way to recharge after pouring out.  And He lived perfectly!  I don't.....AT ALL. I love the way Paul describes it in another letter,

 For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim or blurred reflection of reality as in a riddle or enigma, but then, when the perfection comes, we shall see in reality and face to face!  Now I know in part (imperfectly) but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood, by God. (1 Cor 13:12)

We know imperfectly, in part, incompletely.  During this year of prayer, I keep coming face to face with that fact nearly every week (if not every day).  There are major limiters to my knowledge, gifting, love and ability.  Yet God, Who is Perfect Now, knows me perfectly now.  There is no shortage in His knowledge, even though there is shortage in mine.  I believe that better than anyone else ever has, Jesus lived from this place, when He walked the earth, of being fully known and loved by God.  And I've been living from my short-hand knowledge, not the fully, free-flowing script of God's love.  All my attention has been on how I come up short, not the completeness of the God I serve.

But no longer.  I no longer choose to live from the place of my lack.  I don't want to pray in a grasping, unsure way.  I want to rest and let it flow as it comes - whether that is in word, song or just silence.  What keeps getting me though is that God's love is perfect....all of His Ways are perfect.  And His perfect love loves us completely even when we are completely imperfect!

It's love so undeniable I can hardly speak.
It's peace so unexplainable I can hardly think.
As you call me....deeper still.
Into love...love...love..

Courtesy of Rev Christian Washington

Some folks turn their noses up at contemplative prayer practices, saying they are only about the individual.  I agree when contemplation doesn't turn into conversion, conviction or connection with others.  I think Jesus went to those lonely places in His heart where He could open Himself up and let all the weights, cares and burdens of being the Messiah fall away - and as they fell, He was fully restored and empowered to live His mission.  It was after that communion He could walk with such power, forgiveness, strength and humility.  He could do the Father's work because He had the Father's heart - for Himself and others.  Such is the place I want to learn to live from.....that I'm starting to learn to live from.  Soaking up the goodness of my Good Good Father and going back to that well whenever the need arises.

What if we all started to live from that place? 

You are a Good Good Father...
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You....
It's who I am.

It's a revolutionary thought.  If we stopped trying to do what Jesus did, never quite measuring up and rest in being fully known....then we could really let Him work through us.  It wouldn't be hard, stuff would just happen.  It's promised that way.

You are perfect in all of Your ways....to us.

2015: Year of Prayer, Week 24-25

For it is God's will and intention that by doing right (your good and honest lives) should silence (muzzle, gag) the ignorant charges and ill-informed criticisms of foolish persons. (1 Peter 2:15, AMP)

This morning, I started on Psalm 34:8  (Taste and see the Lord is good!)  But in weeks like the last couple, it gets real easy - too easy - to move from a position of grace to a position of anger (righteous, justified or otherwise).  I ended up in 1 Peter 2 because the Apostle references Psalm 34:8, as he is instructing Christian believers (I tend to think they were probably Messianic Jews; his words apply to us Gentiles too.)  He is helping them understand how to act in a time when their faith was a liability in the eyes of the world.

These last 10 days make me think our faith looks like a liability to some now too.

Between the shooting at Emanuel AME church in Charleston 10 days ago, or the ruling by the Supreme Court on Friday morning making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, it seems more than ever as Christians, we need to not only KNOW the right way to act to please God and draw others to Him......but do it. 

(Of course that means we will apply that to life differently, so grace and love must be the rule in every situation...especially in the family of faith.) 

One of my very good friends got a word from the Lord about 2015: RAPID.  Now is the time, there is probably not many more moments to waste if you are on the fence about making Jesus front and center in your life.  I'm not a harbinger of doom, but based on some of the commentary I've seen on social media....in the United States being a Christian may start doing us more harm than good.

But there is lies the challenge and what Peter was saying.  Jesus is either a stumbling block or a stepping stone (1 Peter 2:8).  He is either going to trip you up or raise you up.  He will either cause you to fall on your face or He will turn His face upon you (Num 6:24). 

In the case of Dylann Roof killing 9 brothers and sisters in Christ during a prayer meeting on 6/17/15, Christ was obviously a stumbling block.  But for those believers left behind, He was a stepping stone to lift them up to show what is possible with Christ.  Last Sunday, our pastor preached the quintessential message on this and in it, showed the video where Roof was confronted by several of the victim's family members...and they forgave him.  The clincher was the last lady to speak.  She was actually there, a witness to his crime....and she only spoke forgiveness.  Here is that video:

What is impossible with man is possible with God.  Forgiving the man who you watched murder 9 of your church family members less than 48 hours afterwards is impossible, short of the indwelling and overflowing of the Holy Spirit.

To the other major event this week, I'm not going to say much about same-sex marriage, other than I don't agree with it.  I have prayed and sought the mind of the Lord repeatedly on this issue and my heart is never changed.  However, I don't have to agree with a lifestyle to love someone.  In that same vein, as children of God, we don't have to be on the same side politically to worship Christ together.  The Lordship of Jesus Christ in our lives trumps every human institution and affiliation.

Our cultural system accepting and even promoting the LGBT way doesn't shake me.  What causes me concern is when it starts to affect our ability to freely live our faith.  That's where this is going, in case you didn't realize it.  Christians who support gay marriage will eventually feel the squeeze on their faith, just as those of us who don't agree with the ruling. 

My prayers (and the prayers of others) for the last 2 weeks (even longer really) have been for the Body of Christ.  We have got to put aside our doctrinal, denominational, political and self-serving issues and come together.  Revival is here and if anything gets in the way of you loving a brother or sister in Christ, it is time to sweep that leaven out of the house.  

Peter's words in his nearly-2000 year old letter are so critical to us now.  We must conduct ourselves properly, not according to our own understanding.  We must lean even more heavily into who the Lord has revealed Himself to be.  We must love the brotherhood - the Christian family - taking pains to make sure we don't give unbelievers any more ammunition not to come to Christ.  We have tasted and seen the Lord is good.  We KNOW HE IS.  It is time to demonstrate that to the world so they, too, will see He is good.

I know this doesn't sound much like a record of my prayer journey but it is.  This is a post for me.  This is me pouring out my heart to God.  This is me going vertical.  This is what is on my mind.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be on this Earth (praise God, I will be in heaven!).  It is convicting to look back on my day yesterday and see how many times I failed to reflect His heart especially when emotions and hot-bed issues are involved.

So, I repent.  I ask for forgiveness.  I ask the Lord to create a right spirit in me, not one of my own making, but right in His eyes.  I don't want to be known for anything other than my faith.  It speaks the loudest, through the actions of my life and my character. 

It is a challenging business being a Christian.  I pray for me.  I pray for you.  I pray for all of us.  We are heading into perilous waters.  But I know the One who walked on the waves.  And so did Peter, which is why he could tell us how to live, even as he was walking it out too (pun intended). 

Let my heart reflect Yours, Oh, Lord.  Help me.  Help us, Your People. Help our nation and our world.  Let us become more aware of Your Presence.  Let us experience....let us taste and see and live for...the glory of Your Goodness.

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 23

I HAVE LOVED YOU WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE.  Before time began, I knew you.  For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope.  All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms.

     When the time was right, I revealed Myself to you.  I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation.  Sometimes you felt naked - exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence.  I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness.  I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity.  I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart.  Join me in singing My song.  Together we will draw others our of darkness into My marvelous Light. (Scripture: Jeremiah 31:3, Isaiah 61:10, 1 Peter 2:9)

This is the Jesus Calling entry for today.  I laid down before the Lord, asking Him to clear my head, my heart, renew a right spirit in me.  I have a big day ahead and it has been a big week - of good, but challenging things.  It has been both beauty and pain, but the beauty has (always) won out.

Before I opened my devotional, I simply asked for Holy Spirit to speak: on any subject; with nothing off limits.  That can be a pretty dangerous prayer, or at least my secret fear of condemnation told me so (because I am a sinful saint).  But there was no rebuke.  There was no reproof. In prayer this morning there was no correction, conviction or anything else.  It was something even more powerful:  Love.

This June 14th entry is my story, my testimony.  As far back as I can remember, I searched for purpose, value and meaning, although I couldn't articulate that until much later in life.  A few weeks back a friend spoke to this longing, letting me know the Lord was with me even when I was that little girl in the yellow dress.  She told me to go look for a picture of myself in a yellow dress and I found it in one of my Mom's photo albums.  The year was 1981, I think, and it would be my 6th birthday party.  At that point, we were living in Indiana or Kentucky.  (Yes, I used to wear glasses and have really short bangs! Stupid 80s.)

Either way, the Lord spoke through my friend to tell me - even then - He was with me.  Now, this morning, as I surrendered, He'd already prepared this Word for me: I was with you even before the foundation of the world.  It isn't enough for Him to just let me know He was with me at 6.  No, He was with me before.  Before....Before anything.  I can let go of those private dark places, inviting His marvelous Light in because He is safe, I am secure in Him.  I am Chosen.  I am Wanted.  I am Beautiful.  I am Treasured.  It's unbelievable I have been all of those things before I ever took a breath!

Love is the most humbling force in all the universe.

That's this week: how hiding keeps us from all the Lord has for us: in our hearts, minds, spirits, relationships and circumstances.  Opening the door to let His light shine on those dark places is the best thing we can do.  We have to acknowledge and recognize, and then live in the ultimate truth of our faith: He is first and foremost a God of kindness and forgiveness, full of mercy and abounding in steadfast love - rather than this strict taskmaster, waiting to condemn us.

We only condemn ourselves.  We only punish ourselves when we don't choose Him.  He is not willing that ANY man, woman or child should perish.  All the bad things that happen are not His doing.  This is a fallen, jacked up world and there is a thief whose whole goal in life is to steal, kill and destroy God's creation.  He is especially violent towards the ones who choose Christ and seek to make His Kingdom a reality on earth.  

Knowing that reality is (more than) half the battle.  The 2nd half is remembering Who and Whose we are.  Today is about that remembering, which for me happened after spending the first 29 years of my life choosing myself over Jesus.  But He had His moment.  One day, He turned my eyes and heart to Him and He has never given me up.  How could I go back?  With the revelation of this kind of Love for me, I could never go back (permanently) to my old ways.  Holy Spirit has me and He is never letting me go.  He reminds me of that all the time. 

He is the Just Judge and there will come a time when we all have to answer for what we've done.  We know it, deep down - Christian or not.  There are many other paths to choose, many other ways to go, but Christianity is the only one whose foundational stone isn't us, it is Love.

Christianity is not complicated but it's hard.  It's hard because we don't want to give up our own understanding of things.  We don't want to stay in the lines God sets - although He sets those boundaries up for our benefit.  I know!  I struggle all the time with this!  That's when reminders like this come up.  That's how I know Scripture is real, how God still speaks.  The proof of this is in the evidence of my life.  My life song is not a dreary, hopeless dirge.

My life, as imperfect as it is, is a song of praise.  It is a Love song Jesus and I are singing together.  It is a melody He mixes and blends with others that drowns out the call of darkness.  I am a Bride, waiting for Her groom.  I am no longer an orphan, a widow, a forgotten one.

And I don't want you to be either.  He has loved us all with an everlasting love.  He is drawing each of us further and further into His strong, warm, comforting arms; wrapping us in the bear hug of His chesed - His loving-kindness.  

He is singing - can you hear the song?   He wants to sing to you - your very own song.  Listen for it today.

2015: The Year of Prayer - Week 21 & 22

It's another combo post here at Jesus Bling.  Last week blew past and this week I am trying to get on top of things.  Last week was filled with all manner of spiritual blessings and warfare.  This week, I'm working to clear off my desk.  Last week was full tilt, this week is a snail's pace.

If I could make an analogy - for those of you who remember Astroworld (I realize I'm dating myself) - last week was a ride on the Texas Cyclone.  At times, it was beyond exhilarating and at other times,  down-right terrifying.  The Cyclone was never a ride I wanted to immediately repeat even if there was no line.  The rickety creaking of the world's largest wooden roller coaster was the sound of pure gut-churning, adrenaline-soaked adventure.  I could only take it once per visit.

This week, as it pleases the Lord, I would assume not get on a ride.  I just want to get a soft pretzel and walk around the park for a little bit.

As you might have gathered, whether from this commentary or if you follow me on any type of media, last week was flat out nuts.  It started with the 50 or100 year flooding levels, depending on who you ask, last Monday night/Tuesday morning.  There were some 50+ trillions of gallons of rain dropped on the City of Houston.  Some of those gallons found their way into our house, almost 1 year to the day of the last time that same thing happened.  Tuesday morning Dave and I stayed up till 2 am getting standing water off our downstairs floors - a full 5 hours of fighting the flood.  It nearly happened again on Saturday afternoon - prayer and my husband's clear-thinking saved us.  We are still cleaning!  We are lining up contractors and fighting the possible mold-mildrew creep in our walls.

(Appreciate prayers against that!!)

As if that wasn't enough (and it was), we had a slew of other twists and turns. Ella Grace had strep, Sophia had a cold and it was the last week of school; part of which included Natalie's 5th grade graduation activities.  Then there was The Release healing service Wednesday, which I lead in putting together.  It was the culmination of a month of personal prayer, fasting, reading, studying, meeting and all around preparation.  People getting prayed for, praying for others and each of us finding healing all over the place; all in marvelous worship of the full Presence of God.   It was awe-inspiring.

Thursday morning at 1:30 am,  I woke up sick. My throat was on fire. I was pretty sure I had strep.  Turns out I didn't but it was a natural assumption given my proximity to Little Bitty all week.

The funny thing was, I felt no compulsion to pray it off, even after just being at a healing service!  I felt like the Holy Spirit was revealing to me how far I'd pushed myself, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and of course, physically speaking.  It is clearly time to rest; my gas tank sensor flashing on "E." 

I recognize many events from last week were "just" life but many other things were enemy assaults.  There is great kingdom work going on in the City of Houston - which very much includes my own life.  Revival isn't just coming, it is here and there is nothing the enemy would like more than to derail it in any and every way possible.

He tried.  He failed.  But I got plumb wore-out holding up my shield of faith with such intensity.

So this week, I need a rest from the front-lines and I'm taking it.  God is gracious, understanding and abounding in steadfast-love.  It is in that love I find my strength, my rest and my promise for renewal.  Compared to the high volume of last week, this week is on silent.

One of my favorite passages is Psalm 131 (and not just because of its brevity).  I love it from The Message: 

God, I’m not trying to rule the roost, I don’t want to be king of the mountain. I haven’t meddled where I have no business or fantasized grandiose plans.  I’ve kept my feet on the ground, I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.  Like a baby content in its mother’s arms, my soul is a baby content. Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.  Hope now; hope always!

This morning is the first time in 6 days I feel like myself.  I feel the energy and life starting to flow again.  I'm practicing the quiet with my kids, at the house, around town.  My family needs it.  It's summer, praise God!  Now is the time to rest, before swim meets, camps, vacation and the coming Houston holy-hotness of late July, August and September (and who are we kidding? October is usually pretty warm too.)  I'm still praying, interceding, studying and trusting in the Lord.  It is in this waiting, being on the look out for Holy Spirit's continued work, I will find renewal.  It is just what the Great Doctor ordered.

He invigorates the exhausted, he gives strength to the powerless.  Young men may grow tired and weary, even the fittest may stumble and fall;  But those who hope...search for...have trust in...wait...believe in Adonai will renew their strength.  (Isaiah 40:29-31, CJB)

2015: The Year of Prayer, Week 20

Didn’t you know that I had to be concerning myself with my Father’s affairs? (Luke 2:49b, CJB)

This week I was preparing and being prepared.  Something big is coming and we are getting ready to receive it.  Hope and Healing have taken flight and will be landing at 7 pm on Wednesday, May 27th in the Upper Room at Chapelwood when the next Release service begins.

I understand that is a brash statement, but I can't help it.  Whatever happens, it will be big - to us, to the people in attendance, to those who hear about it.  It will be big not because we've spent a month planning it (verses a week and even less a few times).  It will be big because the Lord has business to attend to.  He is coming for His broken, captive, wounded, hurting people.  He is coming for the ill, the maimed, the diseased - of heart, mind, soul, spirit and body.  He is coming and we are waiting on Him.

Some of the prep activities are practical: meetings, laying out the music, the Scripture and who is involved, as well as working out the form (yes, there is a form to it for those of you who have been, but we try very hard to not let that get in the way, so Holy Spirit can do what only He can do.)  We are making sure everyone is in prayer about it. 

All very practical stuff.

Yet, there is the other, internal stuff going on.  January kicked off a season of intense growth and it keeps rolling.  I'm literally learning something new every day - whether it is in reading the Bible or other books; praying and living life with people; or just being with my family.  

He is teaching me what it means to be open, to be vulnerable to Him and be about His business, instead of always just my own.

That's a been a meaningful verse for 4-5 years.  I realize in context it is Jesus' words about Himself and the precept He lived His life by, but as His disciple, it demonstrates what my focus should be too.  I'm becoming more aware of how that applies to my life.  The key to it is not the word "business" - not the stuff of doing for the Kingdom of God.  It is the relationship to the Lord, which I have been reminded of several times in prayer over the last 2 weeks.  The impact of God being My Father is enormous and overloads my mental circuits every time I ponder it. 

I have a great Dad - I've written about him before. But my Father is in Heaven.  I need a constant reset of that on a regular basis, especially with big, fun, exciting things on the horizon.  I started a new habit yesterday, really picked back up on an old one.  One of my favorite things to do is to listen to music while I walk and run (notice I did not put run first, I don't necessarily enjoy that....swimming, yes.  Running, not all that much).

The music makes it fun because all of it is worship.  As my body is engaged, my mind and spirit can soar.  I can praise, pray and just be with the Lord, as we circle the blocks and work Pepper, our dog, out too.  It is something I got twisted and had to take a break from at the end of last year.  It is time to pick it back up again and I remember now why I started running in the first place...

It certainly has health benefits (still fighting 10 lbs of baby weight, at 40, who would have thought I'd ever say that?)  More than that, it is an opportunity to be free, to dream unencumbered, in the early morning.  I can envision what God has for me and my family and explore His Father's heart as take strides together. 

My DNA is His.  I am a shepherd and prophet because I'm following in His footsteps.  I'm leading people to greener pastures because that is where He longs for us to be and He is showing me the path on which to take them.  The Lord wants His people whole, happy, blessed, joyous.  Jesus' Mission Statement from Isaiah 61:1-10 (just read all of Isaiah 61 and 62, it's incredible), proves it.  He and the Father are one and They want us FREE!

He is teaching me (and many others around me) how to help folks understand this eternal fact and go to and with Him themselves.  He sets the boundaries of our understanding, not the other way around.  Logic is good but it will only take you so far when you are dealing with the One who Created logic.  So, as He chooses to push my boundaries (and sometimes my buttons), this time with Him helps me walk in a manner worthy of Him....which is gratefully.

This week has been about seeing and knowing the beauty of the vulnerability of us to the Father but even more than that, the vulnerability of the Father to us....It is a mysterious, glorious reality.

I'm continuing to learn, listen to and operate in obedience and God-given authority, with the instruction I am given.  I don't get it right all the time.  I mess up the timing and the message.  Still, His grace and His love cover those foul ups. Being about my Father's business is the best place to be.

One of the songs that came on while I was typing this (I'm still listening to my running playlist) was a song from Francesca Battestelli - "He knows My Name."  In it, she calls out who she is in the Lord and it is true for all of us:

Chosen.

Free.

Forgiven.

Wanted.

Child of the King.

His Forever.

Held and Treasured.

I am Loved.

Maybe this week was hard for you.  Lean into the Father's arms for a little bit.  I hope your Saturday schedule gives you some time to do that.  Mine won't but that's why I get up so darn early.  ;)

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to wait till tomorrow and Wednesday, when I get to be with my faith family in the Presence of Our Savior and watch Him before miracles.  It's a little bit like waiting to go on vacation, I just can not wait!

Considering joining us Wednesday night and let me know if you would like more details.  I will have a wonderful report next week.  We are going deeper than our feet could ever wander, where our faith will be made stronger....Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders and I'm only about Your business.

(When in doubt....Oceans.)