Well, I've had some interesting times these last few weeks. After skimming my last post - I can see The Lord is taking me the long way. He doesn't want me to be a "middle distance" kind of Disciple - He wants me to have endurance. He is scraping off the debris to reveal a new creation even though sometimes I put the debris there myself! On a daily basis - I keep learning more and new things about Our Lord and who I am in Christ. It's not always easy - especially with what we have going on in our lives right now. But He is planting a lot of seeds that He is cultivating into a beautiful garden.
Yesterday was especially tough. I admit - I woke up on the wrong side of the bed - I was (am) tired and worn out. I let my mind run away with me to "justification land." That means I can feel and act however I deem appropriate - even if it goes so far as to disrespect The Lord and others around me. It wasn't bad all day but I admit, I had my fill of those around me. Including my dear husband & children. I took it out on them so much so that at 3 am, my darling Sophia got up because she couldn't go back to sleep. And I felt The Holy Spirit prompting me to ask for her forgiveness for my harsh actions and words from earlier, having caught her and her sister jumping on the bed (and later the couch) and then lying about it.
Once we cleared the air - and it was clearly bothering her because when I asked her to forgive me - the first thing she said was "Mommy you spanked us for jumping on the bed and the couch." I mean, this was not a correction or even discipline. Yesterday - I was the judge, jury and executioner and she saw me angry in a way she hasn't seen before.
The happy ending is that she did forgive and went back to sleep but I was up awhile longer repenting and praying The Lord would change my heart and mind.
So - this morning - He showed me several times that while discipline is necessary - doing it out of love is always the best. I spanked twice in anger yesterday and I have been doing that more and more in the last month. Why? A million reasons - I'm worn out, lots going on, fed up with their antics, I feel burdened with their behavior and frustrated with my husband's care (or sometimes I feel, lack of)for me.
The list goes on and on. But The Lord is renewing my mind. The more time I spend on how "right" my behavior is, the more I realize I am not thinking the way God thinks. I need to focus on what His word says. The more burdened or feeling like I "have to" the less free I become to be the person, wife, parent He has for me - and the less blessing I see because of obedience. And the Psalms are full of those promises of blessing - I know, I'm studying them!
So, I have several prayers this morning - but the overarching thing is "Lord, please show me by healing my heart and mind that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I don't have to believe in what I think is right - I should think on what I KNOW to be right. Help me to be a person who acts out of love rather than anger and frustration. Free me from these chains so I can soar for You!"