Monday, July 6, 2009

Where are you?

I've been in a low. I've been on the downward slide, spiritually speaking, for the last several weeks. It usually happens when I finish a Bible Study, it's like I "take a break" from God. This usually amounts to sleeping instead of studying and talking instead of praying. And I've discovered that is NOT a good thing. Usually Bible Studies, for me, are intense periods of sanctification - i.e. The Lord is kicking my booty about a lot of trash I need to get rid of, or wounds that need to be healed (again, spiritually speaking.) This also coincides with a period of physical low, my workouts have been reduced from 4-5 times per week to 1-2 times a week and my eating/drinking habits are less than desirable if I was serious about staying as God's temple. Or, c'mon, let's be really honest - just wanted to keep losing weight and be healthy. I am serious about all of it - but there are days I'm more concerned with how my clothes fit than how holy I am. More often than not it's like that. I was also on vacation in Indy with Dave's family, which is another good opportunity to eat and sleep as much as I want.

You know the funny thing? It wasn't all that great. It has been in the past, but living for myself really didn't fill the gap. It actually made me feel quiet a bit lower. Now, I know it's easy to say that's obvious. For being so tied into God for so long - nothing else will suffice. I know He says that in His Word - so why did I think I could be like that proverbial dog and return to my mess and think it tastes good?

I guess it's because I'm still not that far away from where I used to be but yet I've been so far that I can't ever really go back. I prayed, several times, over the last 6 months, for The Lord to keep close the feelings of guilt and regret over my sin so I would not forget and go back there. Seems as though He is answering, doesn't it?

Then why go back? Simple - it used to feel good and we all like to feel good, right? This Way, this Walk with Christ is hard. It's challenging and sometimes I would, honestly, like a break from all this introspection and change I feel I'm being constantly asked to do. Not even asked a lot of times - but I do it because I feel like I have to - my gift is teaching so doesn't that mean I have to think ALL THE TIME?? The brain rarely goes into standby mode.

I think - too much it seems. When I played volleyball in high school - the worst times I played was because I thought about it too much. My Mom used to sit on the sidelines and yell "Don't think!" Seems weird, but it's true. My muscles and my subconscious knew how to do it all after all, I and my teammates spent several hours a day training to succeed in the games. However, it seems when my conscious brain got involved, it all went to pot.

The same could be said at the moment about my spiritual walk. I could be over thinking this. I know God's promises and I know what to do to live a fully satisfying and abundant life. I starting reading through Isaiah this morning and verse 1:17 (and Micah 6:8) says it all. Do justice, encourage your brothers and sisters, care for the needy. Now, on the doing justice part, I would say that would be doing things that live justly. Not just seeking justice for the oppressed but seeking He who is in charge. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven....

Now, knowing all that I do - it seems it would be easy to go on muscle memory - or more correctly - let the Holy Spirit do His thang, which leads to a fruitful life. As a Christian, I can't live in my own power (defeats the point, not to mention a life abundant) so I have to let my brain go - or rather myself. Let the Holy Spirit be in control - less of me, more of He - for Spiritual muscle memory. He knows what to do and He can/will prompt me accordingly.

So maybe I should stop trying to seek things that will make me "feel good" and just feel. Just "don't think" and let Him who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine - do just that?

Will you pray for me? I've got a high coming - The Lord has much work to do in my life of which this writing will be a part of - I just, as Isaiah 1:16 says - need to be willing and obedient.

Remember - don't think. Just let The Holy Spirit do....

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