Why do I feel like a big fake most of the time? I feel this way because I "do the things I hate." It does comfort me to know that The Apostle Paul, too, felt this way, but it doesn't quell the growing sense of unease that I keep doing things I would rather not. I know I've been in an intense season of change for the last, well, 12+ months. But it's not over yet. And I (in my head) know that He is preparing me for something great. Will I ever just choose to do what He asks, commands, instructs over what I want to do or how I want to feel?
We've been talking about "the easy way vs. the hard way" in my house a lot lately. And most of the time I feel like I'm on the hard way. I do not take joy, all the time, in my family. In fact, the very people I cherish so much, I get really irritated with all the time. Someone suggested to me yesterday that perhaps I need to have my thyroid checked. It's not at all a bad suggestion as there are some other weird things going on. But would medicine really allow me to obey The Lord better? I just don't know.
Then again - maybe I'm too hard on myself? No, I'd rather not go that way because the likelihood of cutting myself too much slack where it really counts could happen in an instant.
So, where does it leave me? It leaves me in the arms of Grace. It leaves me to just rest that, in Exodus 34:6, The Lord Himself declares to Moses (and the rest of us) just Who and What He is.
"And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,"
These are all things I want to be. These are all things I have asked to be, time and time again. So, why do I let my emotions get the best of me when I know I can bear so much more fruit if I would just tame my tongue?? Or really, the heart that it speaks out of.
The short answer is that I need to spend more time at His feet. I know this. And more time praying. All the time, actually. I'm working on it. Am I ever going to not feel like a poser? Am I ever not going to feel embarrassed when someone tells me they think I'm so spiritually mature or they ask me for spiritual advice?
I don't know. God does. And He isn't finished with me yet. Lord, just help me to obey Your Commands and abide in Your love. In You is where I want to stay as I know You've stayed right with me. To God be The Glory - forever, and ever and ever.