Last time, I wrote about giving in to grief and finding release. In the last two days, I haven't been doing that. I've been focused on just about every fleshly comfort I know to take my mind off of what is going on. I've gone from irritation, to anger, to sleeping, to drinking, to eating, to watching TV - all to just get some numbing going on.
Since I'm going to church this morning, I have a feeling this two day head start is all The Lord is going to give me. It will be time to face reality again, when I come face to face with one of the communities, my spiritual family, who have been so faithful to pray for us.
What I've been thinking about all night though, is how very private I wish to be. This may seem rather hypocritical given the fact that I'm blogging my feelings to the whole universe - but it really hit me in these last two days how I desperately don't want this situation to change how people see me, or the schedule and routine I've built up over these last few months.
If revenge is a dish best served cold, grief is a dish best eaten by yourself. Or so it has been for me in the last 48 hours. It is not others fault I feel this way. In fact, their sympathy are coming from a very deep and honorable place. The problem is mine - I don't want to be the object of it. I don't want Sophia to be "That kid with cancer" and I certainly don't want to be the "Mommy of That kid with cancer." I don't want them to watch her run around and have a sad expression, like she is the butt of a joke but she doesn't know it.
This all seems so cruel to say because you are the people who are loving us through this. But it is hard. I thought I was good at change, I thought I was a good Mommy, I thought we were all making progress. Turns out, The Lord is asking us...well, me...to make some huge mental changes.
Folks - I just don't want to.
Maybe there is some documented stages of grief I am going through. If you know what they are, let me know.
I am sorry I am not handling this better. I will try to do better in accepting your comfort and love. I will try and not make a joke to cope. I will try and love you back, not feel resentful that I'm in this situation to begin with.
And I'm REALLY sorry if expressing my feelings hurts yours.
This blog is part of my prayer journal, it helps me continue to be real with God and myself. But if this post offends you and you stop reading, I understand.
As is my habit, I will include a Bible Verse because this journey is as these writings are as much about faith as my feelings.
Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the
proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Lord, clear away the dust on my spirit, revive this drought. Bring the rain and prepare us for the harvest so we can see the beauty of the fruit You will bring out at the perfect time.
P.S. Tuesday morning is D-Day, so to speak. 7:30 am we start our orientation at the TCH Oncology Clinic. We will find out what kind of tumor/cancer it is and our treatment protocol. We will be out by 11 am, but I have a feeling it will be exhausting. Our doctor's name is Muscal, she is a tumor specialist. Hope you will be praying for her too!