Last time, I wrote about giving in to grief and finding release. In the last two days, I haven't been doing that. I've been focused on just about every fleshly comfort I know to take my mind off of what is going on. I've gone from irritation, to anger, to sleeping, to drinking, to eating, to watching TV - all to just get some numbing going on.
Since I'm going to church this morning, I have a feeling this two day head start is all The Lord is going to give me. It will be time to face reality again, when I come face to face with one of the communities, my spiritual family, who have been so faithful to pray for us.
What I've been thinking about all night though, is how very private I wish to be. This may seem rather hypocritical given the fact that I'm blogging my feelings to the whole universe - but it really hit me in these last two days how I desperately don't want this situation to change how people see me, or the schedule and routine I've built up over these last few months.
If revenge is a dish best served cold, grief is a dish best eaten by yourself. Or so it has been for me in the last 48 hours. It is not others fault I feel this way. In fact, their sympathy are coming from a very deep and honorable place. The problem is mine - I don't want to be the object of it. I don't want Sophia to be "That kid with cancer" and I certainly don't want to be the "Mommy of That kid with cancer." I don't want them to watch her run around and have a sad expression, like she is the butt of a joke but she doesn't know it.
This all seems so cruel to say because you are the people who are loving us through this. But it is hard. I thought I was good at change, I thought I was a good Mommy, I thought we were all making progress. Turns out, The Lord is asking us...well, me...to make some huge mental changes.
Folks - I just don't want to.
Maybe there is some documented stages of grief I am going through. If you know what they are, let me know.
I am sorry I am not handling this better. I will try to do better in accepting your comfort and love. I will try and not make a joke to cope. I will try and love you back, not feel resentful that I'm in this situation to begin with.
And I'm REALLY sorry if expressing my feelings hurts yours.
This blog is part of my prayer journal, it helps me continue to be real with God and myself. But if this post offends you and you stop reading, I understand.
As is my habit, I will include a Bible Verse because this journey is as these writings are as much about faith as my feelings.
Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the
proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Lord, clear away the dust on my spirit, revive this drought. Bring the rain and prepare us for the harvest so we can see the beauty of the fruit You will bring out at the perfect time.
P.S. Tuesday morning is D-Day, so to speak. 7:30 am we start our orientation at the TCH Oncology Clinic. We will find out what kind of tumor/cancer it is and our treatment protocol. We will be out by 11 am, but I have a feeling it will be exhausting. Our doctor's name is Muscal, she is a tumor specialist. Hope you will be praying for her too!
5 comments:
Hi Amy: Thanks for the awesome post. It makes perfect sense,and I believe I would feel the exact same way. The only thing is I wouldn't be able to put it so eloquently. Grief is extremely private. One of my prayers will be that Sophia and the rest of your family will simply be viewed as you all were pre-diagnosis, only with some extra help needed. Thanks for your honesty. Now honestly, for me, it is what keeps me more diligent in prayer for you. God be with you on Tuesday.
This is your journey. You are the only one who knows what you and your family need to get through the next twenty-four hours, the next week, the next month(s). It's not about what others expect of you or even what you expect of yourself. It's about what you need. Praying that all the Vogels will be blessed with exactly what they need, when they need it.
"I am sorry I am not handling this better. I will try to do better in accepting your comfort and love. I will try and not make a joke to cope. I will try and love you back, not feel resentful that I'm in this situation to begin with."
I would invite you to be a lot more gentle and understanding with yourself. No one can handle this better than you are handling it. You are amazing. You need to cope in whatever way works best for you and your family. There is no rulebook or instruction manual for this stuff (though it sure would be nice if there were). You are I would feel resentful as . . . well, I would feel really, really resentful (among other things), and I think it's normal and expected and perfectly ok for you to feel that way (or any way) for as long as you need to. If this were anyone else, you would be telling them the exact same thing.
Our thoughts and prayers will definitely be with Sophia and y'alls family...on this Tuesday and all the Tuesday's coming after that. Good luck.
The Bradley Family
(part of your BCUMC family)
Hi Amy, you are being so honest I find it difficult to feel offended by what you said. Mrs. T put it right and I think we'll never know how it is to be on your shoes. We are keeping your family in our daily prayers and hoping that this will all pass soon.
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