A running theme in many Bible Studies I've done is that a lot of times, in our day to day living as Christians, we just forget or stop believing how big our God really is. He is unfathomable and completely trustworthy - but real life creeps in and you forget He is not only the God of Creation, The Red Sea and Easter Morning - but the God who still performs miracles today. I have multiple friends who are living proof.
It is almost a requirement in our Christian community to confess the sin of not believing enough. "Help me with my unbelief" is a tantamount theme in my life - and I know the lives of others. I've seen Him work before, so why do I limit myself to asking for small things?
The challenge is always to take another step of faith - to go higher, to keep your eyes on Jesus longer. I was in fact, 9 chapters into a book I was writing about that very topic, before 10/10/10. It is entitled Vertical Focus - going to a new level of faith in Christ..
I have asked several times in 2010 to be taken to a new level of faith - and The Lord never lets me down. But now, it is a sour taste in my mouth.
As I spoke to a sweet friend today - I admitted to her that I am afraid to "go there" and pray big. I don't want to be disappointed when things don't turn out like I desire...again.
This morning, I surrendered Sophia and what is best for her (and us) again this morning, while anxiously awaiting an appointment for her to get a new blood work up, to see if we would need to go in for a transfusion tomorrow. Secretly, in my heart, I wanted Him to show up big - to have her red blood cell count miraculously better - or maybe just a little bit so we wouldn't have to deal with the stress of waiting all day tomorrow.
I was adrift when I found out her counts hadn't changed much since Tuesday, they are in fact slightly lower. Low enough that we have to go in again tomorrow (this time to TCH) and probably get a transfusion.
It's not the transfusion that scares me, I am confident that will make her feel loads better and give her bone marrow the support it needs. It's the waiting. I have started to break out in hives and have panic attacks at the thought of being there all day....waiting.
It's my version of Dr. Seuss' "The Waiting Place" from Oh! The Places You'll Go!(which, ironically, I used as an analogy in the first chapter of my book.)
I know I need to believe that He is big enough for anything; to trust that He is performing miracles I just can't see. But my mustard tree is wilting. Something that had, only a few weeks ago, been so alive and vibrant - is in dire need of watering and pruning.
Perhaps what is happening is in my emotional state today is in preparation for tomorrow. What I mean by that is, if I walk this path today, I can get it out of my system so I can be on the ball tomorrow. I know there is so much more for us on the other side of this, and we are being prepared for it, but the light at the end of that tunnel is dim today.
When I quoted Jesus saying "Oh ye of little faith," my friend gently reminded me that He knows, in times like this, that we are not capable of believing at incredible levels. It is enough to just believe He will get us through this 24 hour period.
She also said (she is very wise, Mrs. Gindi Vincent) that it is easier to believe big for others than it is for yourself. That has to be why we are instructed to be part of a community. The Spirit intercedes for us with groaning and others can carry the load of great faith for us, when we can not.
For this reason, I am so thankful for my family of faith. I am so thankful for my God who knows we just could. not. do. this. alone.
While I might carry much of the burden of Sophia's care on my shoulders, I know I am not required, on this day, to believe in miracles. Others can do that for me.
And that in itself - is a miracle.