I've had a bad case of the Martin Luther's lately. That well-known theologian had problems with guilt and shame. Every little infraction was over-analyzed and dissected. I believe it sometimes prevented him from praying. It was a spiritual battle he fought for a long time.
I've felt the same way, lately. I don't know my own baseline and can only grade myself compared to how good I was yesterday. It is a very slippery slope.
Less than 90 days ago, I had, what anyone would consider, a stellar relationship with The Lord. Right now though, I can barely give Him the time of day at 1, 2 or 4 am, when I can't sleep. I can go from being on the mountaintop to just writing about it - and feeling like a complete poser to boot, in less than 24 hours.
There are a lot of people out there who think they can't have a relationship with God until they get cleaned up. Here I am in relationship with The One, and still feel like I have to shower before quiet time.
So mark this in your books as the #2 big thing He is working on in me. #1, you may remember, is humility - allowing others to serve me. #2 seems to be just as hard. He is constantly telling me that there is now, NO condemnation in Christ, so why do I spend so much mental and physical effort thinking that I am not worthy?
Yesterday I read Exodus 33:13-14. The Lord is telling me that this is not the time to have the momentous faith I had before 10/10/10. He is telling me that He can and will use me, if I am just willing to go. He said it through Pastor Burt's sermon and a conversation with Dave's beloved Grandma Mable Sunday. He said it through my devotion time Monday.
He said it 3 times today alone.
He is reassuring me that it is ok to pray big. It is fine to ask Him if He would allow the tumor to be greatly reduced or gone, as the doctors expect. It is fine to ask Him for nothing short of a miracle in a twelve week period. It is still ok to do that.
Whether or not He "answers" is His business.
My business is to follow the light out of the cloud of guilt and shame I've been under for awhile now. My business is to believe the constant reassurance He provides when people, including my husband, tell me Sophia will be healed. My job is to just hold on and have faith - and not judge that faith by how it looks in my hands.
I need to judge that faith by how He molds it in His Hands.
Tonight, Natalie and I read Isaiah 40:11 - part of Jesus Calling, 365 Devotionals for Kids. That was my New Year's Resolution, to read His Word with her, specifically.
I cried. It was His voice speaking so loudly in my heart. He has both of them tucked up in His Mighty Hands. And He is, without a doubt, leading me, through this process. Then we prayed, back and forth, about what we trusted Jesus for. She was amazing and I told her I would never forget her prayers.
(I couldn't even be mad when I found out she had been picking the paint off the bathroom wall.)
So, for now, I will trust He will turn on the nightlight come Friday or Monday with the MRI results. It is all I am living for this week and that is about all I am capable of doing.
His presence is here and I will rest in it. I don't have to be good enough, just follow.