I read something really personal yesterday morning. I was going through all the "notes" on my phone. I use that app for anything from my grocery store list (I love deleting items as I put them in my cart!) to notes to be used later in posts/articles/books. I have to confess, my iPhone is now at such a status that I can't imagine being without it. Forbid having to use a pen and paper again!
As I was cleaning up the entries, I ran across one I did in May of 2011. I was waiting for Sophia to wake up from an MRI and it was taking longer than normal because the anesthesia cocktail was a bit different (and the longer wake up was to be expected). So, as I sat there watching her sleep, it hit me just how much I hate waiting. I've gotten a lot better at it, given the nature of the treatment process, but that doesn't mean I like it any more. When I wrote these thoughts, we were 7 months until the process and it occurred to me how silly it was to put these feelings down then, rather than in the beginning when an extended period in the clinic caused me panic attacks. But as I read them yesterday, it struck me as one of the universal truths of cancer; or any serious illness.
You just have to learn how to wait.
So, I thought I would share my musing with you, they are the closest thing I have to a diary. I hope it encourages you as it did me that these thoughts are important to record - to remind me just how far we've come.
Some of my worst
moments are while I wait. She is
sleeping but I am waiting...for her to wake up, or a nurse, or meds, or overall healing. Waiting
is the most difficult part. Waiting means
I, indeed our situation, is in a state of suspended animation. There is nothing to be done except either
talk to myself, or to God.
Both could
get me looked at funny but at least when I talk to God, I am telling someone
besides myself what is going on in my heart & mind. And He is Someone Who can do something about it. If
I just talk myself, I am no better than a dog chasing it's tail and just as
foolish.
Waiting, while the worst of options, presents me the opportunity (wanted or not) to rest in Him. That maybe why it is so hard for me. But "Waiting on The Lord" is mentioned 25 times in scripture, so it must be a crucial discipline. And obviously something He is giving me unlimited opportunities to practice. Makes me think He knows how much I need the practice.
He has promised that He is carrying her and is leading me. He knows she is not strong enough to walk in her own yet and I do not know the way. So He must carry and lead. Mother no wiser than daughter - I am a caregiver no more healed than my precious patient. Both of us are in need of only one thing - wholeness. He is the only one source for it.
It's not the chemo or radiation that will wipe this cancer from her body. It is not the doctors or nurses or specialists that have healed her. In the end - it has been the waiting that has done it. Ironically the thing I hate the most is my greatest ally. I've got to learn the power of His mighty Arm, which doesn't move at my speed.
Waiting, while the worst of options, presents me the opportunity (wanted or not) to rest in Him. That maybe why it is so hard for me. But "Waiting on The Lord" is mentioned 25 times in scripture, so it must be a crucial discipline. And obviously something He is giving me unlimited opportunities to practice. Makes me think He knows how much I need the practice.
He has promised that He is carrying her and is leading me. He knows she is not strong enough to walk in her own yet and I do not know the way. So He must carry and lead. Mother no wiser than daughter - I am a caregiver no more healed than my precious patient. Both of us are in need of only one thing - wholeness. He is the only one source for it.
It's not the chemo or radiation that will wipe this cancer from her body. It is not the doctors or nurses or specialists that have healed her. In the end - it has been the waiting that has done it. Ironically the thing I hate the most is my greatest ally. I've got to learn the power of His mighty Arm, which doesn't move at my speed.
But He is working so
I will keep waiting.
Let us pray because PRAYER WORKS!
Completed Treatment -
Pray for them to stay cancer and illness free!
Sophia Vogel (5, soft tissue sarcoma behind left eye) – <"Team Sophia" on FB>
Sophia Vogel (5, soft tissue sarcoma behind left eye) – <"Team Sophia" on FB>
Anna Grace Dennis (7, ependymoma) – Headaches still
attacking, please pray for complete relief!! <"Team Anna Grace" on
FB>
Rylee Beard (5, Will's tumors in
bladder/abdomen) – Scans were all clear last week, PTL!
Matthew Lucas (5,
Rhabdomyosarcoma) – Doing great! <"Team Matthew" on FB>
Gabbie Howe (12, ependymoma)
Callie
Cheer (3,
AML) – Gaining weight and still in remission! <”Cure for Callie” on FB>
Hunter
(1,
Ewing Sarcoma) – <”Cure Baby Hunter” on FB> - has a virus and mouth
sores, but released and being treated at home.
Pray for full recovery!!
Courtney
Pette
(16, lymphoma) –<"Team Courtney" on FB>
Maddie Briscoe (7, neuroblastoma) –<”Prayers for Maddie Briscoe” on FB>
Maddie Briscoe (7, neuroblastoma) –<”Prayers for Maddie Briscoe” on FB>
Patton
Jones (3,
Burkitt's Lymphoma) – Coming up on monthly check up – pray everything is still
going great! http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/pattonjones
Natalie
Fraker (5,
astrocytoma) – Pray for her strength to return, especially in her lungs, to get
to breathing without a vent!(physically especially)<” PRAYERSFORNKF” on
carepages.com>
Tristan Smit (3, ependymoma) –
Doing well!
Mark Ochoa (2, Wilm's Tumor)
With The Lord (Please
pray for their families)
Ruel
Bobet – Continue
to pray for his family, they need strength only The Lord can provide! <”Sandy
Bobet” (his Mom) on FB>
Kory Krowell – Passed away on 11/18/11
Fighting
Illness and/or Inpatient
Brennan
Scurlock (1,
neuroblastoma) – Much wisdom and intervention is needed in figuring out the
best course of treatment for Brennan.
Please pray for an advocate for his medical needs as well as an
encourager for his family. Pray The Lord
will show His mighty Arm to be at work for this sweet boy! <"Brennan Scurlock"
on FB>
Kaylee
Atkins (6, ALL) – Still fighting a fever and
inpatient. Pray for her recovery as well
as her little brother, who is also sick! <”Praying for Kaylee” on FB>
Carli
Simmons (2, Brain Tumor) Inpatient at TCH, receiving
treatment
Eli
Dirr (5, Relapse of AML) – Getting his port put in today,
as well as bone marrow biopsy and starting chemo. This is a very tough time, finding out that
his cancer is back – pray for the strength of his body to fight it off and the
strength of his family to walk this path again!
In
Treatment
Devin Duncan (18, Leukemia) – pray she
is fully recovered and continue her treatment without any interruption or
illness! <”Devin Duncan” on FB>
Lucy
Weber (3,
ALL) – Home and doing better; pray for her clinic visit to go well this week,
with no count issues or side effects from the chemo. <"Team Lucy"
on FB>
Katie
Wagner
(15, Rhabdomyosarcoma) They are waiting on her scan results to come back – pray
for excellent response to her treatment! <”Wagner Family support” on
FB>
Logan
Sinclair (5,
Anaplastic Medulloblastoma) – Clinic appointment today, please pray for good
levels! <”Pray for Logan Sinclair” on FB>
Nate
Dinoffira (2, Neuroblastoma) Doing great – pray for no
infections, side effects or anything else that will derail his healing!<http://supernatedinoffria.blogspot.com/>
Max
Low (12, Leukemia) Pray for recovery and great results
from last week’s inpatient admission and tests! <”Mighty Max Low” on FB>
Lexie
Synder (5, ALL) Home and doing better; pray for her field
trip tomorrow and continued recovery! <”Lexie vs. Leukemia” on FB>
Thomas
Valerio (11,
rhabdomyosarcoma in left hand) Pray he will be protected from illness and no
delays in the last 3 chemo rounds before he finishes treatment!
Raelynn (5, ALL) Pray she has
recovered from her last big round of chemo and she stays illness free! <”Prayers
for our Sweet Baby Rae” on FB>
Liam Wilson (1, neuroblastoma) Halfway
through his treatment, pray it continues to go well with no delays! <”Prayers
for Liam Wilson” on FB>
Layton (3, ALL) Pray all went well from her last
chemo round and that she recovers quickly with no pain! <”Prayers for
Layton” on FB>
Lincoln
Daniel Jones (3,
ALL) – Had a short visit at the clinic yesterday with chemo, pray for no ill
effects and a great week free of pain! <"Pray for Lincoln Daniel
Jones" and "Red Carpet Kids for a Cure" on FB>
Lance
McClain (ALL)
– Got chemo yesterday and is on steroids.
Pray for a smooth week, with no issues!<”TeamLance McClain” on
FB>
Ava
Caggino (4,
ATRT Brain Tumor) Praise for her birthday party and pray she continues to
recover and results say she is finished! <"The Ava Caggino Fight Aganist
Cancer Page" on FB>
Charlie
Harris Beard (1,
Leukemia) Doing well, pray he continues! <”Help save Baby Charlie Harries
Beard” on FB>
Preston
Winslow (4, AML) Please pray for the strength of this little
boy and his family and that they would be surrounded by God’s unfailing love
and hope! www.prestonsleague.com
Aiden
Rideout (4, Non-hodgkins lymphoma) Had a great trip to
Texas, pray for a great week! <”Prayers for Aiden” on FB>
Victoria
Feldman (6, Medulloblastoma) Had MRI last week and
everything is all clear! <”Victory4Victoria” on FB>
Tynan
Chapa (5, ALL) Clinic visit this week, pray for good
counts and no issues! <”Tynan’s Crusade” on FB>
Wyatt
Foster (2,
ALL) Going in for chemo on Friday
– pray there are answers on his ANC and everything goes well. Also pray for his Mom’s health issues to be
resolved! <http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/wyattfoster/mystory>
Kristina
Barrett (9,
sarcoma in lungs and arm) – Continues to do well, keep praying!
<"Praying for Kristina" on FB>
Barrett
Blake (5, Rhabdomyosarcoma) Pray for good health, no issues,
quick recover and to stay on course with treatment! http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/barrettblake
Holden
Underwood (2,
ALL/MLL) – Finally well enough to start back on daily, oral chemo. Pray he doesn’t get sick again and for no
side effects! <"Holden's Hope" on FB>
Gunnar
Peterson (5,
Wilm’s Tumor) Last chemo tomorrow! Pray
all goes well! <”Gunnar’s Team on FB”>
Aiden
McSpadden (3,
AML relapse) Still doing well but need his blood chimerism to go up to 100%
from 92%! Please pray for that! <"Angels
for Aiden" on FB>
Zayley
Oliver – <”Prayers
for Zayley Jade Oliver” on FB>
Addison
Marshall
(18, ALL) – continues outpatient, maintenance chemo! <addiecake on Twitter>
Izzy
Slot (3,
angiosarcoma) Still cancer free, pray for full recovery! <”izzyslot” on
carepages.com and “Princess Izzy’s Court” on FB>
Shelby Adams (Langenhans Cell
Histiocytosis) – Pray her eye appointment went well and that her orbital bone
will heal itself! <”Prayers for Shelby Adams” on FB>
Daniela
Owens (9,
Ewing Sarcoma) – Tumors are spreading and causing her a lot of pain. Pray for her release from this cancer! <”Prayer
for Daniela” of FB>
Braeden
Estes (18,
Ewings Sarcoma) Doing well so please pray he stays on track! <http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/braedenestes>
Taylor
Porter (15, AML) <”Team Taylor – Taylor Porter” on
FB>
Kaylea
Stewart (ALL,
6) –<"Kure for Kaylea" on FB>
Hudson
Kadlecek (4,
lymphoma) - <"Hope for Hudson" on FB>
Logan
Brant - Please pray for wisdom and healing! <“Team Logan” on FB>
Kylie
Overton (2,
Brain Tumor) – <”Prayers for Baby Kylie Overton” on FB>
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