Monday, October 1, 2012

Available, Even in Doubt

This may come as a surprise to some of you who know me by day and see my cheery face, but I'm struggling.  I work hard for that face.  I keep busy.  I got skills at keeping occupied.

It's been over 3 weeks since my husband left for Italy.  He will be back, but no idea if I will have to wait 2 more months to see him.  I know God is working it all out in His timing and am confident He is advocating our family be together.  I realize this separation is but a blip, but it hurts my my heart, friends.  Now I know how to pray for a friend who has to face this every month and I'm sorry I really didn't get it before.

I know I have TONS to be thankful for, so maybe this is just a blue moment.   

Yesterday, my oldest, Natalie, asked me if I was lonely.  It was a monumental effort of will not start bawling in front of her.  I want to be strong for my girls because I know it is just as hard on them. I also know it is very hard on Dave.  We are like a 3-legged dog running a race right now, fully able to function but not completely whole.

The fingers of doubt are starting to creep around my heart.  I want to keep believing the Lord will do all He has said He will do.  But I just miss being together so much.

I learned a lot about doubt last week when I wrote a devotional on it.  In my research, I found a blog post by Peter Enns called "Why It's Good to Doubt God."  Enns has some wonderfully uplifting words on why doubt helps us grow, mature and ultimately helps us develop a stronger faith in God.

In an effort to be real and authentic about my faith, I have to confess my doubts.  I have to be upfront with God that I still believe, but I am in desperate need for His help with my unbelief.  (Mark 9:24).  I have reached another point in my life where I realize I cannot make it on my own.  I'm broken-hearted without my husband and completely frustrated with the lack of information about when we will be together again.

I know we will be - I just want for the Lord to give me a shred of light on WHEN that will be.  Not so much because I'm impatient but because I'm hurting. 

I read a quote from an old hymn on my close friend's blog last week and it really puts a fine point on how I feel:
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

I see now what I'm forfeiting when I wrestle with this doubt on my own; how much pain I'm causing myself.  I spent some much needed time on my face in prayer this morning because I had to.  I felt bringing my doubt to God was the only way out of this temptation.  I did and I will keep doing it because I want to be available to what He wants to teach me during this time.  I want to grow and stretch in my faith, even when it hurts.  Especially when it hurts.

Nothing heals a broken-heart like God's Presence.  There is no distraction, no chore, no effort I can make on my own that will take away this pain, but Christ can.  I want to model what He is to me - always available.  So this is my prayer today:

Lord, make me available to You like Jesus was, no matter the shape of my heart.  I can do all things through You, so I'm going to just let You do them.  Forgive my doubt, replace it with the warmth of Your love.  And please help us be together again as a family, sooner rather than later.  Thank You and Bless You, Lord.

1 comment:

Gindi said...

Sweet friend, know we're all praying for you, I know you feel like it's all coming at you, but I know a resting spot is just ahead on the horizon.