Monday, October 8, 2012


Friday marked 4 weeks that Dave has been in Italy.  He is pretty bored.  I'm pretty emotional.  I never realized, or maybe I just didn't want to admit, how much I relied on him.  I don't think I would go so far as call it co-dependence, I think it falls under the spectrum of being married.  We've been married 10 years, never been apart longer than 3 or 4 days.  When you have a partner you walk beside every day, then that partner is not available for every day things for an extended period of time, the mantle of responsibility of keeping up our life together gets very heavy.

As my mother in law said, "This isn't what you got married for, is it?"

I wrote last week about doubt.  I wrote last week about how my heart was hurting and while I was still turning to the Lord to help with those hurts, I was very down.  This morning's Jesus Calling entry was about God's unfailing love.  It didn't hit me over the head when I read it (ok, dozed through it), but it did bring me comfort.  When I think about what Sarah Young wrote now though, it's clear I missed what God was saying to me.  Here are the first few lines:

The human mind cannot comprehend My consistency.  Your emotions flicker and falter in the face of varying circumstances, and you tend to project your fickle feelings onto Me.  Thus, you do not benefit fully from My unfailing Love.  You need to look beyond the flux of circumstances and discover Me gazing lovingly back at you.

Within an hour of reading those words, I was talking to my neighbor across the street and got very emotional when I told her I had been praying in the parameters of how I thought God told me too, but He hadn't answered.  She said, "God has some reason why it hasn't happened yet."

Not me, not the company, not the Italian government - but GOD has the reason and that reason is based in His unfailing love.  I have been wondering what would keep Him from delaying (or at least delaying in my mind.)  There are a lot of physical reasons, I know now, why it has taken so long to get word on where our visas are or when Dave will be coming home to "fetch" us.  There are many more complications with this project than the usual one.

But an answer has been given.  We will be celebrating Thanksgiving as a family, and he will be home well before then.  So, even considering the business-related delays, I have to ponder the emotional and spiritual reasons for why we've been waiting without word.  Has it been to create a deeper hunger and appreciation for my husband?  Has it been to bring me face to face with my weaknesses as a mother and make amends?  Has it been to increase my desire to lean on/into the Lord for relief?  Is it to prepare for a time in the future?

I don't know.  I know all of those are possibilities, plus so much more.  I may not ever know the eternal reason why it's taken so long to get word - just like I'm still scratching my head at the year-long delay in seeing Sophia's tumor spot start to shrink.  But I am reassured of one thing:

When I am inconsistent, Christ is constant. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

He never fails to love me, even when I'm behaving badly.  He never fails to give me peace when I reach to Him in turmoil.  And He never fails to give me understanding when I wait on Him.

This is all practically living out my faith - certainly learning to wait continues to be a much needed lesson.  Some days I am better at it than others, but Jesus never asked me to be perfect.  He asks me to believe in His perfection and trust that He is smoothing out my rough edges so one day, I will look just like Him in Our Father's eyes.  All in good (due) time, right?

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7

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