Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Tug of War

Isn't it just the way of things that my last post was about finding peace and this post is about how I'm back in the trenches, slugging it out with anxiety and stress?

As I have written so often on this blog, this calm facade belies an inside that is churning.  I don't know what percentage is due to our insecure visa situation, or what travel gymnastics will be required in the coming weeks.  Or the insane amount of hormones in my body.  Or a jam-packed weekend.  Or the movers coming tomorrow.  Or today being the last day of school for the girls and then it's all up to me.  Or just being  exhausted.  All I really want to do right now is go back to bed.  I feel an intense desire to sleep.  Perhaps being up in the middle of the night crying, no praying, no both has something to do with it.

At 3 am this morning I asked God for a word - something I could cling to like a life raft in the middle of this storm of worries.  I didn't get it right then, but the Holy Spirit was there, like a warm blanket, to soothe my fears and lower my blood pressure.  I found His peace when I sought it and I did eventually go back to sleep.

But in starting my day, the emotions were right back at the front of the line.  As I walked around our neighborhood, I noticed I felt tight.  My back and neck have been hurting, but this was more - it is a tightness of my spirit; like my soul (who wants to see the answers I so desperately seek) and the Spirit of God (who wants me to trust His ways are best) are in a UFC title fight.  Feels like I'm to be split in half.

Then I get it.  I even mentioned it last week in my post on peace - the scene in Luke 10:41-42.  What Jesus actually said to Martha when she came fussing at Him for help with dinner:

Martha, Martha!  You worry and fuss about a lot of things. There’s only one thing you need. Mary has made the right choice, and that one thing will not be taken away from her.

I didn't mention last week what Mary was doing but don't we all know?  She was sitting at Jesus' feet, absorbing His teaching and love.  Her worries were no competition against Christ's grace, presence and being so near to the Living God.  Martha wasn't that close because she was running around (like I do), caught up in the vise of her own stress (like me).  Operating on adrenaline is not something you can keep up forever, I learned that when Sophia was in treatment.  The only solution I have ever found is to surrender my worries to God.

But I don't know if I can give them up - there is just too much at stake.  I know that in a few weeks this post might be pointless, but it is my truth right now. So - I have said the only words I can:

Lord, I want to give all of this to you, but I can't.  Forgive me and make me willing to do it Your way.  Make me willing to seek Your peace above all else.  Give me the desire to rest in You, so I can rest.  I am willing, help me to be more willing!

I don't think the Lord is going to punish me for how I feel.  I know I wouldn't punish my children if they came to me and said, "Mommy, I really don't want to do what you said, even though I know it is best.  Can you help me?"  I would drop everything to be by their side, to show them the way!

And if I, as an imperfect mother, would do that - how much more will my PERFECT Heavenly Father do for me?

I know I will continue to bounce between my emotions.  I am worried and fussy about a lot of things, but I'm going to keep coming back to Jesus' words because they are exactly what He is saying to me.  I might feel better tomorrow, but that day has enough concerns of its own.  So for today - I will pull a Mary and be at His feet.

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