Tuesday, September 3, 2013

My Marks

Yesterday, we shared a great Labor Day with all of my side of the family.  We are extremely fortunate to live in town with them.  I know the experiences my girls have with their cousins are life-long.  The Baby loves it as much as her older sisters - her 14 year old cousin sticks her on her hip and puts her right in the middle of all the girl-ness.  {Swim.} {Play.} {Eat.} {Repeat.}

My brother came over after his golf game and as usual - we talked for awhile.  He brought up some of my past - specifically my time playing volleyball in high school.  I remember it as bittersweet.  I was good.  I really was.  Physically, I was made to play volleyball.  Friends, I worked at it.  Craig supported me all the way.  We all had such high hopes for where it would take me.  But in the end, like so many other dreams, it died on the vine.  I didn't have the support when I needed to go further.  When the season ended my senior year, that was it.  I went on to swimming.  Other than the occasional game on the beach or at a corporate retreat, I went on with my life and left volleyball in the past.

Hearing my brother talk about that time made me sad.  After everyone left, I had a few moments alone and started to think I never lived up to my potential.  That has been a struggle for me - it's what my parents used to ask of me and I made it my god.  I always had to work in order to live up to my potential.  I did well, but when I didn't, it left a mark. Volleyball is one of those marks.  I missed the boat.  A lot of the situation was out of my control, but in the end, I left that dream unfinished.

That part of my life defines me.  It is who I am - a former volleyball player who had a lot of talent but never chased it down.

So many of us get stuck right.there.  We look at only what could have been.  We mourn the dreams that die.  I'm not here to tell anyone they shouldn't because yesterday, 20 years later, I mourned that volleyball dream.  Part of me started to think I have wasted a lot of that 20 years since.  It's easy to think that when you are a stay-at-home Mom.  There aren't a lot of results on a daily basis.

It's hard, y'all.

In the midst of that down-time, I heard a voice whisper to me.  That voice said,

But haven't I given you a different dream?

Every time I hurt because the call I followed four years ago to become a writer hasn't gone very far, because it doesn't show up on a resume or in our bank account, I have to remind myself this wasn't my dream.   The definitions of the success of this dream don't come from me.  And that Voice, the voice of the Lord, has definitely left a different kind of mark.  He has marked me as His - for His purposes - to follow where He leads.

I have NO IDEA if/when/where/how I will ever get my work out there.  Maybe it will only be my children who read it.  Part of me is ok with that; part of me isn't.  But what I came away with yesterday is that I don't have to mourn my volleyball dream because I can pursue this dream of writing with the same zeal.  I can keep pursuing this dream as far as it will go.  I will chase it as far as it will go.  And I will have no regrets.  So much is in His control - so I leave it there.  That's the safest place, really.  He will open and close the doors as needed to make the most (eternal) impact.  

Maybe you are struggling with a past that defines you.  But there is something God has for you in the here in now.  When you know what that is, go for it.  No holds barred.  Put it all on the table.  Keep going.  Give it everything you have, for as long as it takes.  It may not end in earthly success.  But Jesus will honor you.  He will get the glory (as He should) but you will be blessed in ways not even possible to comprehend right now.

That's what I'm going to do.  Are you with me?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great post. "Trust and Obey" for there's no other way.....carry on Amy!!!