Monday, October 5, 2015

2015: The Year of Prayer....I've missed a few weeks.

So, it's been awhile since I posted on this year long journey to document my life in prayer.  I just counted back and I guess this is Week 38.  It feels like an ocean of time has passed since the last time I thought to write.  I tried last week Tuesday and it didn't go very well.  I don't even really have the mental fortitude to journal.

The truth is, I hit a wall.  My Dad died.  Prayer was/is about the only thing I could/can really do "well," because the Lord is the most consistent voice in my head.  Every other input is all messed up.  My emotions are all over the place.  I'm either not hungry or starving.  My mind starts to spin on all sorts of weird ideas and there are some nights when sleep completely eludes me.

In short, things are off-kilter in my life.  I feel unbalanced and destabilized.  A good visual here is my's just a mess.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for the calls, comments, emails, texts, cards, hugs, meals and condolences we've received.  I'm not capable of taking it all in or talking to everyone, but I am so grateful...Please know that.  We have so much to do to help my Mom get organized and the details of death continue to roll along.

The reality is starting to set in.  Friday it hit me hard.  I took some notes in the middle of my anguish (in the middle of the night) and to look at them is painful.  I don't include them because they are too personal and intimate, and would be at the very least, awkward for you.  It is a painful place we are in.  Saturday hit still harder when, in starting to clean out Dad's office, I found a file with my initials on it.  There were a few letters in there, one from in the last five years that starts, "Dad, our pastor encouraged us to write a note to the people in your life that mean the most to you....."

That's as far as I got.

In the middle of this mess is a life still to be cared for.  Something is pushing me through.  It's being a a wife and a mom, even if the person in those roles is a little nutty in certain moments.  It's being a daughter and a sister.  It's being a prayer warrior and friend.  It is who I am to just keep going but I'm pretty dang tired of going. 

We are still being held, kept close to the side of our Shepherd-Father-Comforter.  He is ever-present.

My spirit/soul/mind and body have been craving The Word, so I went and bought myself a couple of Bibles last week (which is crazy because I already have a lot but I figure it's a good investment).  One of them is a One Year Bible and part of this morning's entry, Psalm 77, really encapsulates how I feel.  The Psalms, I believe, were inspired, written and included because the Lord wants us to know He created, understands and gets the range of human emotion.  Bonus for me, this was written by Asaph, my personal favorite Psalm writer (although David is pretty good too.)  I like Asaph because he usually echos my voice as a person and a writer.  Asaph writes what I think.

We have a long way to go but we have a God who specializes in being in it for the long-haul.  Thank you for your prayers, keep them coming.  My Mom, my brother, myself and our families need them now that the dust is settling and the real work of grieving begins.  Love you.  Hug, Friend.

 Psalm 77 - For Jeduthun. Of Asaph.
 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.  When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.  I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. Selah.

You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.  I thought about the former days , the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.  My heart mused and my spirit inquired: "Will the Lord reject forever?  Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful?  Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Selah.

Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."  I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.  Your ways, O God, are hold.  What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.

The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.  The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.  Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.  Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.  You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

1 comment:

Janice and James said...

I love you, friend!!! So glad I can by faith place you in the Gentle Shepherd's arms and trust you to Him!