So, I'm again faced with challenge, change and grief. Seems to be a theme of the last year really. Between our move to Trinidad, my becoming a stay at home Mom and our friends' accident in Tobago - I was feeling this same way last August. Right now, I'm in the midst of the same because of long work hours, Natalie starting school and Jaime's baby girl going to Heaven.
I can't say it's been the best year. Oh sure - there have been many happy points but it has been intense. I feel no different about it being back in the States. I just feel drained. I feel worn out. I feel dry and parched, even though I keep coming back to The Throne for filling. I get just enough grace, although some days I do my best to stomp even that out.
This time - I'm doing my best to not overthink it. I know that this season will pass - but only to what I'm not certain. Nothing ever is but right now, in my life, my marriage, our family - I feel adrift. Sometimes not knowing what the future holds, or even having an idea, seems very exciting. Other times - like now, I'd like some certainity.
There is none to come by. People I've counted on for stability have fallen away - even my children who I am with nearly 24x7 are unreliable. I do things that I hate to do, so I even let myself down.
Where does this leave me? Stripped and Bare. Nothing left to give - shadow of death. Oh, that's a little dramatic for sure because no great tragedy has left me broken. But I just feel like I can not take another step forward. I need a resurrection in the worst way. I need my feet planted on The Rock - but sometimes, like today, it's all I can do to just stand. They aren't planted, I am just barely upright.
But then He says to me - "Be still and know I am God." Just like Jesus told Martha in so many words. Actually, what has been ringing about my brain is what I read last night - "only one thing is needed." That one thing is to always start with "Be still and know that I AM." I gotta get it - I can't live without it and I can't pour myself out without it. This is a crazy time of testing but I know He is refining me like silver - purifying me for His Glory. That's another thing He said in John 11 - it's about His glory.
I gotta be honest - sometimes that's more than I can handle or swallow. Sometimes my brain cannot wrap around Him - which is good but also exhausting. Some of these burdens are too heavy to bear. I need some lift. Other days I could fly. But most days are somewhere in between.
This too shall pass - but Lord, come quickly. We need You and only You and I can't wait for the day when I can only Be Still and Know You Are God.