Friday, May 14, 2010

In the weeds

Up and down, up and down, up and down. That's been the last few weeks. I never know what the day will hold or how I will feel when I wake up. Well, I have plans but if I am able to get to them is a totally different matter. I'm sure everyone deals with this too but as my dear friend Lynn has told me countless times over the last 3 or 4 weeks - I'm doing this to myself. The 5:30 am runs and strength training are killing my energy level.

In short, recreational athlete who isn't training for anything, nor is elite, has gotten Over Training Syndrome. It's totally bizarre but there have been warning signs for awhile. I still might have a thyroid issue but yesterday I officially hit the wall. I cried through my shower because it hurt. Enough was enough. I listened to Lynn, my body and finally, God.

I surrendered it. I surrendered my compulsion to exercise and especially work out harder if I missed the day before. I surrendered my fear I would gain weight and lose muscle so I would have to start all over. I surrendered my pride that this all under my control - that this was my body and I could do what I want with it. I acknowledged, again, that my body is the Temple so I better not tear it down. I also surrendered my ability to make lots of plans and justify my actions.

Mostly, I surrendered to the long unheeded call to be still and know He is God.

As I did all of this on my face on the floor (and occasionally a 3 year old on top of me), with tears and snot running down onto my arms, one of my favorite and well-studied verses came to me. Matthew 11:28-30. I love this passage because it is essentially (to me) Jesus' version Psalm 23 (which I've also grown to love).

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

It was like He picked this very time to remind me how I can lay down my heavy burdens of fear and pride that have driven me to this point of exhaustion. He knows I'm weak but I had forgotten it in the midst of all my activity. And I praise Him that He didn't use illness to force me into rest either. His burden is so much lighter and it will actually renew me. My soul will be restored and I will be comforted.

I wish I could tell you I am magically healed this morning but I'm pretty sure if I was, I wouldn't have learned the lesson, or the key, to rest. This is going to take a while, so every time I look at my running shoes, looking like sad little puppies waiting to be taken out, I pray "Lord, I trust that you will show me when it is time to put these on again."

Have you ever gotten to the point of no return, where it's rest or else? What has the Lord spoken into your heart? How did you recover?

No comments: