There are two sides to every story. Good vs. evil Happy vs. Sad Truth vs lie
If this was a mess of my own making, it would be easier to accept the consequences, it would be my fault. However, Sophia's cancer is no one's fault. I don't feel like I caused it in any way - it is a just a terrible scenario no parent should ever experience.
But right in the middle is this little girl who is hilarious. She is funny and random and all the things a four year old should be. She says wildly inappropriate things. She and her sister fight (and then her sister says things that make me fall off my chair.) There should be no happiness here but there it is, an abundance of it in the forms of Natalie and Sophia.
It is ridiculous to pretend that nothing is wrong but at the same time, we cannot be swallowed in the chaos.
It's like a good knot. Or a bunch of them all wrapped up together, complicated, impossible to undo. Well, impossible for me, anyway. No one, in the strength of their own power is going to be able to untangle this mess we are in. Left up just to us, she would at least lose her eye, if not die.
Our swarm of knots has been made an offering to the One who can, slowly but surely, pick them apart. Then, once they are smooth, straight strings, He can weave them together into a beautiful tapestry that shows off His artistry. He is un-weaving and re-weaving. I hear nothing but the click, clack, click clack of His loom.
No end result in sight yet. Thus far there are just too many knots, not enough strings. You know the hardest part of getting out a knot? The first tugs - when nothing seems to loosen, there is no room between the loops to get your finger or a tool in. It hurts to keep picking at it.
In order for this lie to be made into truth, this evil into good, this sadness to be happy - it has to be untied. It has to go from being a knot to a smooth, straight line. And we are at the beginning of that - and it hurts.
The title of this post comes from a song I've been listening to a lot, by Jason Gray. In it he sings:
The winter can make us wonder/If spring was ever true
I'm in the winter of my soul, freezing cold and wondering if I will ever see green again.
It takes considerable effort to believe He is rewinding the clock, back to the beginning, untying the marble-sized knot behind Sophia's eye.
Today I want to be the villain, not the good guy you have all praised me for being. I want to run. I am Hezekiah who turned his face to the wall and wept bitterly.
Even in my lowest moments, though, I am still in the right hands. Those hands, as Gray puts it at the end of the song are the hands of the One Who is making all things new. I can bring it to Him to get straightened out.
If you don't know Jesus, please let me know. I want to pray for you. Especially during this time, I want you to know The One who can untie your own knots - make beauty out of the mess.
We are living proof He can, is and will do it.