We are ticking down the minutes to Sophia's biopsy on the mass in her eye. Long story short, we got here because Sunday night, she was seeing double. More than all the tests, decisions, and time waiting - the most overwhelming feeling is love. People all over this country, indeed, world - are praying for my daughter and my family. It is incredible.
I wish I could hear them all, in their simplicity and beauty, but I have to trust God hears them and is enormously pleased. He is enjoying His Children (and some who don't have a relationship with Him) come to Him for a little girl whose biggest problem (in her eyes), right now, is hunger.
She has asked me who is praying for her and listed off a lot of people I wouldn't expect - but I tell her with confidence that they are. I know it because they've told me.
For me - on a spiritual level - I have always been ready to go the distance - to give Him anything for His glory. I am still willing, although my heart does fail me at the thought of cancer, or harm to my child. I don't consider this doubt, I just consider it being human. I can live with being human, for now. :)
Our journey is far from over, but I have never more felt the all-assuring presence of the all-comforting God, in my heart, in my husband's heart and over my sweet children.
Two verses are on my heart today: Malachi 3:10 and Matthew 6:20-21. To me they are evidence of His faithfulness and what He will do for His children when they ask. When they are obedient and have sought His Will, He will not fail pour out, through any and all means, His love.
He has given me a glimpse of what my treasure in Heaven looks like. It is the love pouring in from everywhere - it is overwhelming, moving and humbling. I cannot express my thanks to Him or to those who have let us know they are praying for us. This is what God's Children do best - love.
And it is His ultimate gift to a hurting world.
P.S. I wrote the above about 6 hours ago but didn't have time to post it before Sophia went into surgery. I was at complete peace that whole time but when we got the news the mass behind her eye is a tumor, I was crushed. We were both convinced it was not that but since it is, we now have a 50/50 shot of Sophia having cancer.
I confessed to Dave while we were waiting for her to wake up that I still loved and trusted God but was very upset with Him. I felt let down, like all these people had been praying for nothing. But shortly after that, in a moment of silent confession, I felt once again that same peace and warmth flow over me. I took that to mean He is just as frustrated as we are. I will continue to work through my feelings as we wait on the results, but I am still convinced He is sovereign, I'm just not terribly happy with His methods at the moment.
I do pray I will, some day soon, have the perspective to see how He is working through all of this. And I am praying like heck this isn't cancer. He said I could ask anything in His name so I am continuing to ask for it to be not THAT. Part of me can't even believe I'm writing this. The other part is bound and determined to walk through this with Him, no matter how ugly it gets. I can't picture it any other way because as I said in my post on Sunday - even a big huge mess can be beauty in His Hands.
Make it beautiful, Lord. Please.