Monday, January 10, 2011

Nada, Nope, Nil, Nothing.

What a day!

The tumor behind Sophia's eye, 14 weeks ago, was the size of a marble. After 11 weeks of chemo, it is now the size of a pea. We have something to celebrate!

God has proved, once again, that He knows, He hears, He Loves, He Heals.

Didn't I know all of that already?

In fact, that was His exact Word into my heart today, shortly after we received the news. I clearly heard, in my spirit, "Don't you know, by now, that I love you? That I love Sophia? I love you with a pure, all-fulfilling love, which will never change. And I proved it to you once again. Don't forget it this time."

Now, maybe that last sentence was my own psyche. (It sounds like me).

But it is true. And it is a lesson I'm living out right now with my own daughter.

Natalie has had a rough week or so - going back to school after whirlwind holidays is exhausting, and no doubt the stress we are all under has caught up with her. She has been acting out at home more often, doing some minorly destructive things - but things none the less, especially in a new house, that get on her parents' last nerve.

For the last two days, I've tried to walk a new path with her, based on something I heard from a Family Life spot on KSBJ. She receives discipline, but afterwards, I've tried to drive home the point that my love for her doesn't change.

She can't earn it with good deeds.

She doesn't lose it when she disobeys.

There is nothing she can do to make me love her any more, or any less than I always have and always will.

However, her actions do effect me. The road of our relationship can be made smoother or more rocky, depending on her level of obedience.

Which leads me to ponder, if the tumor had been the same size or bigger, would I have thought He didn't love me anymore? Would I have doubted all that I have learned about Christ? Would I have taken that opportunity to fall head-long into debauchery?

Yeah, maybe.

I was not looking for a sign or wonder. I was looking for the miracle of His presence solidly in the midst of these terribly difficult circumstances. I got it for sure, last week in the peace I'd had while I was awake. But bad dreams plagued me all weekend. I also did my best to make sure I couldn't or wouldn't think about what might result from that MRI, culminating in skipping church in favor of watching trash TV all day - right when I really needed to be on holy ground the most.

Is her tumor being smaller proof that He loves me? No, that is proof of His glory and purpose in her life.

But it is re-assuring. It is confirmation that we are on His path.

And after all that I have done to run away from my relationship with Him in the last 48 hours - it was also a reminder that there is nothing I can do to make Him love me anymore or less.

It is also a reminder that I do have a part in how well this relationship goes. I have a chance to turn up the volume on my witness. I have an opportunity to make sure my obedience is in check - which makes things a lot smoother all around.

Yes, Lord, I know You love us. Thank You that Your glory doesn't rest in my incapable hands. Thank You that Your faithfulness has nothing to do with our actions and nothing on our end changes Your love for us. But most of all, Thank You, once again, for the opportunity to begin fresh with you. Thank You that at any time, I can come back and there is no condemnation for a repentant heart. Thank You that Your forgiveness knows no bounds.

And Thank You for Your healing wings that arose like the dawn in Sophia's body, every day for the last 11 weeks. I am starting to see the beauty again Lord.

Thank You.


Shawn Palmer said...

Ok, you got me AGAIN! I am constantly humbled by your words. Our relationship is so parallel to that of our relationship with our children as parents and yet...I still need reminding!! No matter the outcome or answer to our prayer, His love is constant and thankfully not dependent on me...but my obedience could sure make things easier.

On a lighter note, Natalie's behavior could be celebrated...a little "normal" in the midst of cancer ;)

Gindi said...

What miraculous news. And what a wonderful post. Thanks for sharing your heart, and His.

Kristi said...

I am humbled as well. What a beautiful parallel you share...that of His love for us and our love for our children. Your writing, just like your faith, is amazing and inspiring.