Bumped

It seems as if life is bringing to swing back into the "normal" direction more and more each day.  Sophia's port is out; they've caught their first colds of the year; we are involved in school and going back to church; we do homework almost every night and right now, they are playing across the street.

It seems good.  It is good.

Of course, that is when temptation strikes.  When you feel most in the center of God's will, that is when you should expect a 'knock' to happen.  I should have been expecting this - the bumper cars of spiritual warfare, especially following so anointed a time as we've had.

But I didn't.  And now I'm struggling with how to respond.

I found out today that I was bumped from a speaking gig.  I was looking forward to it, as I have a few lined up this fall and into the spring.  Speaking to groups is an easy muscle for me to flex and a different outlet for my creativity.  I still get nervous but it is a great feeling to just let the content flow out of me, inspired by the message The Lord wants me to deliver. 

So, to lose one - it hurts.  What does it hurt?  Well, obviously my pride!  And my pride usually gets me into trouble....A LOT.

Here I am again, at the fork in the road.  I could let this effect me all day - feeling put out and overlooked.  Those are easy buttons for the enemy to push - I'm acutely sensitive to it.  Not being "popular" during my growing up years left a scar that is easy for the enemy to try and slash open.  It's an affront to my career hopes and I could easily get mad and stay mad for a really long time.

There seem to be, unique situations when The Lord speaks to me.  I'm sure I should say He speaks during my quiet time and when I'm studying His Word.  And He does.  But for some reason - when my body is engaged in an activity that doesn't necessarily require my mind's involvement, He seems to whisper the loudest.

A lot of times it's through the music on my iPod or the drone of the vacuum.

Today, it was the vacuum and probably had a lot to do with me listening to the message about the canceled gig right before I started.  I had a lot of emotions whirling through my head, including the ones I mentioned above.

My thoughts crystallized into two groups.  The first was:

Oh, so they think I'm not good enough, huh???

Everyone, in some way, has this voice.  It's a nagging, annoying voice - similar to the one I use on my kids when they aren't moving fast enough in the morning.  And it immediately goes on repeat - stirring the pot until it boils.

The second, thankfully, was from the Holy Spirit.  It said:

Are you going to waste all you've learned the last 6 years and 11 months on being mad?  Or are you going to realize I've got bigger plans I've yet to reveal and this gig wasn't a part of them?

I don't always want to listen, but today I heard.  The choice was clear - I could waste my day, energy and emotions on being mad about this gig going away.  I could spin and spin and let it affect my relationships.  Or..................

I could chose to accept the fact that this is not reflection on me, my character or what God plans to do with me.  

My pride, my flesh is still in rebellion.  I still WANT to be mad.  I still WANT to get even.  I still WANT to complain.  But I'm going to put these thoughts under the heel of Jesus' boot, to let Him deal with them.  I will not submit to them because I want to submit to Christ.  So, I better act out of that faith.

This only means I'm learning.  I'm not special or different.  I'm just learning how to make choices that are better for everyone - and pleasing to God.  I'm sure I will, yet again, act out of a prideful thought pattern.  And there will be forgiveness waiting.  But today, this time, I'm working on practicing what I've learned. 

This only highlights the active work of God's Grace in my life.  I could not, would not react well without Him living in me.  It also reminds me I have a long way to go.  I'm not so far from needing a Savior.  Thank Goodness for that!

Now, Lord...just give me the strength to make whatever the next choice is....the right one in Your eyes.