Thursday, October 27, 2011

Floored by Grace

It wasn't so much that I was worried about anything.  In fact, as my best friend pointed out, there was much protection around me because I wasn't anxious about this morning at all.

Sophia had her follow up eye doctor appointment, post-treatment, this morning.  It wasn't until things started to go their usual way at TCH (meaning there is always a gotcha, always something I wasn't prepared for - this time it was a rough nurse who dilated Sophias eye, also unexpected) that I realized how nervous I actually was.  In my heart, I knew everything would be fine, but I'm pretty sure any doctor visit related to Sophia's cancer, from here on out, will provide a modicum of nervousness.

As the doctor was doing the examination, I stood the whole time.  I didn't really need to, I wasn't involved in any way, but I just couldn't really sit.  He did the usual, not saying much, and also palpitated where the tumor was.  He gave no report until he was finished. 

The bottom line is that her eyesight - vision, nerves, muscles - are all perfect.  Despite 35+ weeks of chemo, 30 radiation treatments, various shots, transfusions, medications - nothing has affected her eyesight in any way.  He could also feel nothing at all, when he felt for the tumor.

It wasn't till we were in the car on the way home that I let myself feel the magnitude, the weight of God's Hand of mercy on us.  The marble sized cancerous tumor attached to the bone - has had ZERO affect on the health of her eyesight!!!

Amazing.  Simple Amazing.

It is, to me, another manifestation of The Lord caring more for Sophia than I do.  He also continues to show me just how much He cares for ME through her.  She doesn't understand why what happened today is a big deal - but I do.

The Lord commanded the Israelites to commemorate their move into the Promised Land by building a memorial of rocks from the bottom of the Jordan.  Well, this is another rock I am placing on the growing monument of our lives, recognizing God's provision, care and grace.

I am totally floored by it.  Tears are just under the surface.

(That's in case you see me and I'm making a scrunchy face, it's because I'm trying not to bawl.)

I'm fully aware that it doesn't t work out this nicely for all kids with cancer.  Some are left with grievous side effects from their cancer or their treatment.  Some do not make it through at all.  And I don't know why.  It is definitely something I can not and will not understand this side of Heaven.

But I will pray.  I will keep praying that He blesses other families like He has ours.  And I will keep believing what Jesus said in Matthew 19:26: 
With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
I will leave you with a line from Phillips, Craig and Dean's song, At the Top of My Lungs, that we listened to on the way home:

Can't be silent
I think of the mercies You show me
My lips begin overflowing
Great is Your love

Such gratitude for all that You do
Jesus to You

At the top of my lungs I will sing Hallelujah
You're the one who saved me
The one who gave me this life I live
For evermore, for evermore

At the top of my lungs I will sing Hallelujah
I'm not ashamed, I'll praise Your name
Let the whole world know, I love You, Lord
I love You, Lord


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