These last few weeks have been, well, interesting. There have been multiple things coming to light that, for my own good, I need to deal with. One of the biggest things - which I've blogged about before - is my struggle to stop drinking. I have begun to think I'm a borderline alcoholic - but as of this morning. I have a new perspective on it. See - I'm going a Beth Moore Bible Study and for those of you ladies who have done one of hers - you know The Lord works in MIGHTY ways through Beth's study. However, this morning that was only the vehicle. The Holy Spirit revealed for me, answered my prayer, through Psalm 120 just what lies and deceits I let myself believe that allows me to continue in this pattern of sinfulness.
No, no. Alcohol is not my issue. And I'm certainly don't have the disease of alcoholism. My disease, as usual, is self. Self belief, self worth, believing what MYSELF wants more than what God wants for me. You could also classify it as pride or go as far as to say I don't believe what God has been telling me. All are true and there are many symptoms - not just alcohol/self abuse.
However - there is only one cure - and it took one more time of throwing myself into the pit and Psalm 120 to show me. The cure is Christ. It always is but this time - instead of a deliverer - I need a healer. I need Jehovah Rapha to cure my heart in such a way - to dig up the root of pride that has been sown by my own justification of my sinful behavior - that I will be transformed and renewed.
How is He going to do this? Well, that's the easy part. Through His Word. It is a double-edged sword and to me, that not only cuts out the bad part, but cauterizes the wound - one part cutting, one part cleaning. It's nothing less than carving out a bruised or worm eaten part of an apple or potato.
See, not only is the problem mine - but I allow the deceitful tongue of The Enemy of My Soul to whisper those words of justification, of encouragement, of "YEAH! You deserve it after the week you've had!" I have fallen prey to his schemes and no telling how much damage that has done to my witness.
But Thankfully - I don't have to cower in fear or wallow in guilt. Over the last year- I've done plenty of that. It's time for real change and while I'm wish I'd wised up sooner - God's Timing is perfect and I will rest in that. Now, I just have to focus on allowing Him to change my thoughtlife - or as 2 Corintians 10:5 says "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
I like Eugene Peterson's translation in The Message: "The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity."
And that is what He is doing - clearing the ground of my heart of every obstruction and building my life of obedience to Him - so I can mature.
Another way to say it is to use Pink's words in her song "FunHouse." It's been stuck in my head for awhile and the chorus is pretty appropriate to what I'm going through.
This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down.
So, all those lies I believe about why I can drink - why I'm ok to do it and it won't hurt my spiritual, emotional, physical, family life. Going to let The Holy Spirit cut them out and clean the wound. It's time to be renewed again! Praise The Lord from everlasting to everlasting!!