In the movie Gladiator, the character Proximo so eloquently whispers that we are all but shadows and dust.
I don't believe that I am a shadow, but I have seen their specter this week.
King David, in Psalm 23, writes about them. Dave's fortune cookie yesterday talked about them. I wrote about it last week.
This week has been the toughest I've ever endured. And we are not conquerors yet. I know I should declare that I am more than a conqueror, but if I am being an honest Christian (which I believe myself to be), The Lord is holding back the fire, but I am feeling the heat.
To watch your four year old go through things 99% of adults never do - it's unbearable. But somehow I bear it. She just walked in here and asked me to get more hair off - I pulled off a handful (and I don't have small hands). I brushed it all off her back and shirt and then asked after her tummy. It's ok right now.
Earlier, I had to comfort my seven year old through the earliest stages of the grief process over her sister's illness and a classmate who lost his Mommy on Monday. It's unbelievable what I am asking her to deal with, but somehow, she deals with it.
The last 6 weeks have taken their toll on both Dave and I - physically, emotionally, spiritually. We hug a lot and we are often both wet around the eyes after wards. This is too much if it was one of us - but our children too?
The light is there. God is working - I've seen it.
But to walk around feeling like I am part of that "Human Body" Exhibit from a few years ago - you know the one where all the bodies were skinless? Sorry if that is too graphic an image, but that describes how I feel a lot of the time.
This is just the end of a very long, very bad week. What He will do when we are done with all of this - I hope it is really special. I hope someone's life is changed through our story because nothing else will do. I hope you know God loves you, even though we are suffering. Everything is for our good in His Hands, even if it looks really bad at the time. (Reminds me what Natalie often says about my cooking.)
I have always, as a mother, loved Luke 2:19. Even before this, when my girls did something funny or outrageous, I always recorded it, even if it was just for my own mental photo album. But with all my senses on steroids at the moment, everything my husband & daughters do is worthy of remembering.
But the New Living Translation really explains it for me, tonight. It's all about recording the moment and savoring.
Tonight, I told Sophia I didn't think I'd gotten a kiss all day. She looked at me and said "You can get a kiss from me all day if you want." Then she puckered her cherry, chapped lips.
Good and bad. Sweet and sour. Hurt and healing.
Shadows and Dust.