Friday, December 3, 2010

The Present

My kids are off playing across the street, so I have approximately 22 minutes to write about my day. Yesterday was great - so many of you have responded with a desire to help on the chemo kits - blew me away! I hope to put some together and have 2 people as a target - but the more people I know about, the more we can get something rolling!

Today is Dave's 35th birthday (he finally caught up to me). So, writing that I have not had a very good day is, in part, not true. I have turned on a somewhat happy face for him, although come to find out - he has had some rough times as of late as well.

I could feel it creeping up, the sadness. It has been awhile since I cried about the Sophia situation - or even got really emotional about it. I have also been able to process some other sad situations the people I love are in. And there are always those bad deals that are ever on my heart.

Even yesterday evening, I felt all full of angst. This morning, packing the girls lunches was nearly unbearable.

I made a promise to myself early on that when I needed to lash out - I would do it in prayer, I wouldn't hide from God in chores, I would embrace the pain. I would hug it out with Jesus, whether I wanted to or not.

So, I did just that this morning. Ironically, what set me off was a verse that is so uplifting - Romans 8:38-39.

There is so much hope, so much LIFE in that verse. It sums up why we persevere when all looks lost. It is the reason why we choose Christ when the world seems so much better.

To add to this, I have been, secretly, mourning the loss of my dreams. I had a plan - articles and speaking gigs booked for next year, things going well with the new career. Now, I can no longer follow through on any of them because I just don't know what life will be like. We still have radiation to go through and even though we have an ok idea what life is like with chemo - there are still way to many variables to consider committing to anything.

God has said "No, not now. The Place I want you now is caring for your family, your full effort and energy on Dave, Natalie and Sophia. Those other things can wait - your ministry is to your family, period."

It's like I'm the beloved dog whom The Master has told to stay as He walks off where I can't see Him. It is torture to do what He is asking - just be present where I am, when every fiber in me wants to run.

Not to mention some of my bad habits lately have seemed more like good ideas.

So - in the end, what set me off into unleashing my grief and fury in my driveway at 7:45 am was this verse from Romans. It happens to be the life verse for my Pastor's Father (who is also a Pastor), who is dealing with terminal cancer.

Brit Hume from Fox News was being interviewed and the verse is what he closed with.

It was two words that caught my heart and sent me down the path of facing the pain. The Present.

It was just as if God had took my face in His Hands and said "I know how you feel, I know you are so worked up about all of this. I am so, so sorry. But you must stay where you are. No feeling or thought you have about it is going to change how much I love you. I love your family and those others in your life you are hurting for that much too. Just trust where I have you and rely on My Love for you that nothing can break."

Hugging it out with God again.

I'm still unsettled but I have more confidence and less sadness than before. And tomorrow is another day.

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