Sophia is in Remission.
It's a word I can barely say. This feeling I have is similar to finishing a half marathon. I'm glad but I really just want to eat a burrito and go to bed. My attitude about this is not great because I wanted/prayed for it to be GONE. I wanted the proof of her healing, undeniable proof. A scan with no trace of a tumor would do it, thanks so much!
It's been a long time since I've prayed really boldly about our situation. And my first prayer was to be in line with God's Will. But with that, He knew my heart's desire - He could see I wanted the ease of mind, knowing there wasn't going to be a trace she ever had cancer.
I'll tell you right here, I think there is a scar, residue, dead tissue or whatever left so that I will always be reminded of God's provision and healing. That HE did this - no one else - so I would continue to depend on Him.
That sounds very holy and Christian. The challenge is to hope that one one day, I will be able to say it with confidence and no trace of bitterness.
But today isn't that day - and it's ok. My Mom and my best friend told me so. It's ok to be disappointed with God and perhaps it is too early to know what the "lesson" is in all of that. I just need to process it in my own time and my own way, being real with God about how I feel throughout.
Then I read Lysa TerKeurst's blog today. She referenced a situation that left her reeling, but instead of coming unglued about it, she sat down and made a list of the things she is thankful for. One thing she said really struck me:
But sometimes refusing the pull to come unglued is the only way to prove to ourselves it is possible to have a different kind of reaction.
My usual reaction to disappointment/frustration is to cry. I'm tired of crying. It is physically painful. So maybe a better reaction, for now, as I process all of this, is just to do what Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
Lysa suggested, at the end of her blog, to leave a comment with 3 things you are thankful for today. I don't comment on blogs often, but I did this one because it reminds me that even in the midst of sorting through my emotion, even though I'm exhausted with this race we've been running against cancer; and that the race isn't over for a few more years...there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS something to be thankful for.
Here is my comment from Lysa's blog. I left 3 plus 1 to grow on. Do me a favor, leave your own list of 3 + 1 in the comment section. I want to hear thanks rise on wings of praise to Heaven, so I can get on the path of healing.
I am thankful The Lord made my girl so strong & brave to come through this.
I am thankful for a husband who has a great perspective on this.
I am thankful for my Mom & my friend who called to talk me through some low feelings & my other friend who took me to lunch!!
I am thankful for a God who doesn’t demand I be anything but real with Him.