Sophia is in Remission.
It's a word I can barely say. This feeling I have is similar to finishing a half marathon. I'm glad but I really just want to eat a burrito and go to bed. My attitude about this is not great because I wanted/prayed for it to be GONE. I wanted the proof of her healing, undeniable proof. A scan with no trace of a tumor would do it, thanks so much!
It's been a long time since I've prayed really boldly about our situation. And my first prayer was to be in line with God's Will. But with that, He knew my heart's desire - He could see I wanted the ease of mind, knowing there wasn't going to be a trace she ever had cancer.
I'll tell you right here, I think there is a scar, residue, dead tissue or whatever left so that I will always be reminded of God's provision and healing. That HE did this - no one else - so I would continue to depend on Him.
That sounds very holy and Christian. The challenge is to hope that one one day, I will be able to say it with confidence and no trace of bitterness.
But today isn't that day - and it's ok. My Mom and my best friend told me so. It's ok to be disappointed with God and perhaps it is too early to know what the "lesson" is in all of that. I just need to process it in my own time and my own way, being real with God about how I feel throughout.
Then I read Lysa TerKeurst's blog today. She referenced a situation that left her reeling, but instead of coming unglued about it, she sat down and made a list of the things she is thankful for. One thing she said really struck me:
But sometimes refusing the pull to come unglued is the only way to prove to ourselves it is possible to have a different kind of reaction.
My usual reaction to disappointment/frustration is to cry. I'm tired of crying. It is physically painful. So maybe a better reaction, for now, as I process all of this, is just to do what Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
Lysa suggested, at the end of her blog, to leave a comment with 3 things you are thankful for today. I don't comment on blogs often, but I did this one because it reminds me that even in the midst of sorting through my emotion, even though I'm exhausted with this race we've been running against cancer; and that the race isn't over for a few more years...there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS something to be thankful for.
Here is my comment from Lysa's blog. I left 3 plus 1 to grow on. Do me a favor, leave your own list of 3 + 1 in the comment section. I want to hear thanks rise on wings of praise to Heaven, so I can get on the path of healing.
I am thankful The Lord made my girl so strong & brave to come through this.
I am thankful for a husband who has a great perspective on this.
I am thankful for my Mom & my friend who called to talk me through some low feelings & my other friend who took me to lunch!!
I am thankful for a God who doesn’t demand I be anything but real with Him.
7 comments:
I know what a strong brave heart you have and I am so happy to know it. I commented on her blog today too, I only had 3 things to leave at the time, so I'll leave my "one to grow one" here alone: my kids are healthy, my husband told me he loved me this morning, I got to sit in traffic this morning because I had a job to go to. My plus one - dear lovely Sophia is in remission.
So I had to do it anonymously only because I have no matching ID :)I am simply; Karen Elliott Bolding who has a few things to be thankful for. I am thankful to have you as a friend to help keep my eyes on the prize. I am thankful for my most precious family that keeps me grounded and reminds me how precious every moment truly is. I am also thankful that in these times of great hardship we have enough so we can give to those in need. I am most thankful for Jesus who died for me so I can appreciate all that God has to offer.
I am thankful for the time with my new baby. I am thankful I have a job to go back to after maternity leave. I am thankful for a husband who listens to me when I need to vent and then just hugs me and lets me know how much he loves me. One to grow on -- I am thankful for co-workers excited that I am coming back to work soon which makes me not so sad to leave my little one during the day.
Hello Precious Amy! We have been covering you quietly all this way with intercession and have been loving the way GOD has led you all. It is not an easy journey as we are only too aware personally. And yes, hearing "remission" leaves you with an interesting mix of emotions. I remember them all so well. But mostly, I am thankful...like you....just simply thankful!
1. For the unbelievable blessings and miracles, specifically 3 of them and "1 to grow on" He blessed my brother (just learning to live with ALS) & his family with for their journey just last week.
2. For the courage and unbelievable faith our daughter has to pack up her family & follow God's lead to a 3rd world nation to serve Him.
3. For the amazing love of a man for 25 fabulous years....the depth of friendship we have....the beauty of our family. It is amazing how richly GOD blesses His children!
"1 to grow on"....the gift of ministry at the hospital every week...the immense amount of need of people and the unbelievable pleasure of praying for them....and sharing the love of Jesus with so many!
Sharoni
...giving voice to those with none...
I am grateful that God never gives us only one chance for success.
I am grateful for the forgiving hearts that embraced that second chance.
I am grateful that while God knows the WISHES in my heart, he knows my NEEDS even better.
I am grateful for how I have been and will be used as a part of his grand master plan, flaws and all.
The biggest one first: I am thankful I was able to share with my kids tonight that PRAYER WORKS!
I am thankful for air conditioning. :)
I am thankful that my boy seems to be liking school this year.
I am thankful for Godly friends and the perspective they help bring.
I'm thankful God brings people into my life in the most unexpected ways and exactly when I need them.
I'm thankful that bearing a child for me was relatively easy after my mother had so much difficulty getting her two children. It reminds me that even though I have so much fear regarding his health (even generally speaking), I didn't struggle greatly on the journey to meet him.
I'm thankful that my life is so full of goodness and that I have the ability to pay it forward.
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