Thursday, March 27, 2014

Free Indeed

I won't go back again.
That's just not who I am.
Lord, I'm a brand new man.
I'm going free!

This song, "Jailbreak" by Vertical Church, was in my heart today as I left Texas Children's.  It was the first time I'd visited the hospital section in many months - maybe over a year.  I was bringing some items to a family in treatment with their 18 month old son - Asa.  In case you didn't know, Asa was a very godly king of Judah, way way back in the Old Testament days.  In fact, this family is such a power for the Gospel - the way they testify, the way they talk about the origin of their son's name.

They are practicing from the get-go what it took me well over 6 months of Sophia's treatment to learn: you can usher in the Kingdom of God wherever you are.  Including the 9th floor oncology ward of Texas Children's here in Houston.  INCREDIBLE FAITH.

It was clear to me before I ever went in that this was a big deal because I found a parking spot in the garage.  The first time I drove past, the garage was full.  Then the other was full, so I made an illegal u-turn (forgive me, Lord) and went back to the first one.  The sign no longer said full, so I pulled in.  Took me 1 full pass around the level but - oh!  Someone was coming out of the building and let me have their spot! Miracle!

I was so blessed to see this mother caring for her son.  He is just the most beautiful boy.  Ella blew him a kiss - the first time she's ever done that.  The future mother-in-law in me thought maybe he and Ella could get married one day, they are only 5 months apart in age, after all.  Silly, I know.  But mothers think about these things!

We talked for awhile, I'm not sure how long.  We talked a lot about God and I told her what I learned and some of what we experienced.  We bonded over all the broken communications between departments at the hospital.  I hope to hear from her again and gave her my information so we could keep in touch directly.

As I got in the car, I burst into tears.  You see, for years, I've been carrying the wounding of that season of suffering.  For 3 1/2 years, I've been carrying the heavy burden of my sorrow from that time.  I couldn't give it up.  I couldn't go back to Texas Children's without my stomach getting upset or talk about Sophia's situation without having to stuff my emotions down inside.

But today was different.  My stomach didn't bother me before, during or after.  I didn't have any tears to shed.  It was almost like what happened, happened to someone else.  No ignoring my feelings to get through it, no stuffing them deep down.  No willpower involved at all.  When I got back to my car, I realized what it was.

I am healed.

I am healed of all the emotional wounds, now scars, on my heart.  They are just no longer there.  The Lord told me I was free back in December, I wrote about it here.  But today was the final proof.  I am a living, breathing example of the verse:

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! (Isaiah 26:3)

My hands no longer shake as I type.  The anger, fear and anxiety no longer hold my mind and body captive.  I just don't have those emotions any more because Jesus broke their stranglehold.  

I cried not because of my pain but because the Holy Spirit confirmed His work today.  I cried because of the overwhelming gratitude I felt towards my Savior who saved me, once again.  So, please, mark your calendars: March 27, 2014 is the day I walked out of the prison of my emotions into the glorious sunlight of God's grace.  I'm not going back again.  The weather is far better out here.  That's just not who I am.

I am free.

I am free indeed.

You can be free too.  It takes the power that raised Christ for the dead to raise our hearts from the deaths of our dreams, expectations, circumstances and even death itself.  But I tell you, He holds the keys to death.  But He isn't a God of the dead.  He is the God of the Living because He is alive.  That power is available to anyone who asks and believes.  You will receive your healing and find your life again.  Turn your eyes upon Jesus..  

And mark your calendar.

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