Am I dreaming? Is this really happening? Who is this person whose skin I've been wearing for the last 4 days?
I'm just about to turn the corner, knowing Freddie Krueger is about to jump out and get me.
But Freddie Krueger was disguised today. He put on a lab coat and tossed a stethoscope around his neck. I was caught totally unaware when he slashed me to pieces.
On Sunday, for totally different reasons, I wrote about a situation where you are shattered. Like someone took your grandmother's priceless antique china platter and casually tossed it onto your brand new tiled kitchen floor. A zillion shards surround you, so you can't move forward or back. You are stuck in the middle of a nightmare. In my brother's case, it would be the scene in Indiana Jones when he throws the torch out and discovers he is in the middle of a sea of snakes.
This is a whole new level of mess.
In case you didn't see it going around on Facebook already, Sophia's tumor is malignant. We don't know exactly what kind yet, we will find out probably Friday, which will determine our treatment protocol. Numbers have been bandied about, she will probably undergo a year of treatment, maybe including both chemo and surgery.
It's unreal. We found out nearly 4 hours ago and while the waves are calm for now, the torrent lurks under the surface. I said I was ready to go to any level for God's glory and I am now (somewhat) regretting my words. Half of me is anyway.
There are places, things we must face and deal with questions we cannot (and maybe never will) answer.
I don't understand. God is still here, but He is being drowned out by the earthquake and fire and hurricane going on in us. I will do my best to listen for His still small voice when I'm failing to sleep tonight. But I will try - I need to hear it.
But what I wanted to share with you, beyond the devastating news, is what came to mind as Dave and I were walking back to the room after getting ourselves out of hysterics. It was a short walk, maybe 30 ft but we were holding hands.
When we got married, I bought a small window plaque that matched nothing in our kitchen (still doesn't) but I liked what it said so much. Dave said it was stupid and it was completely gooshy romantic. But I was a newlywed and thought we had been through so much. Silly me.
This is what the plaque says:
The little boat of you and me
went sailing on the deep blue sea.
We weathered winds and crashing waves
and we were strong and true and brave.
And we were still in love so
we kept sailing on the deep blue sea.
The little boat of you and me.
I would say we are going to have weather winds and crashing waves over the next year(s). So, I ask you to pray we will be strong, true and brave. All of us in our little family. I told Dave that I thought I would love him and our girls more when we were all done with this. We will keep sailing together.
And pray we will trust even more in the Eternal Captain of our ship. Jesus, you've got the helm. Take us home.