Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Nightmare on Vogel Street

Am I dreaming? Is this really happening? Who is this person whose skin I've been wearing for the last 4 days?

I'm just about to turn the corner, knowing Freddie Krueger is about to jump out and get me.

But Freddie Krueger was disguised today. He put on a lab coat and tossed a stethoscope around his neck. I was caught totally unaware when he slashed me to pieces.

On Sunday, for totally different reasons, I wrote about a situation where you are shattered. Like someone took your grandmother's priceless antique china platter and casually tossed it onto your brand new tiled kitchen floor. A zillion shards surround you, so you can't move forward or back. You are stuck in the middle of a nightmare. In my brother's case, it would be the scene in Indiana Jones when he throws the torch out and discovers he is in the middle of a sea of snakes.

This is a whole new level of mess.

In case you didn't see it going around on Facebook already, Sophia's tumor is malignant. We don't know exactly what kind yet, we will find out probably Friday, which will determine our treatment protocol. Numbers have been bandied about, she will probably undergo a year of treatment, maybe including both chemo and surgery.

It's unreal. We found out nearly 4 hours ago and while the waves are calm for now, the torrent lurks under the surface. I said I was ready to go to any level for God's glory and I am now (somewhat) regretting my words. Half of me is anyway.

There are places, things we must face and deal with questions we cannot (and maybe never will) answer.

I don't understand. God is still here, but He is being drowned out by the earthquake and fire and hurricane going on in us. I will do my best to listen for His still small voice when I'm failing to sleep tonight. But I will try - I need to hear it.

But what I wanted to share with you, beyond the devastating news, is what came to mind as Dave and I were walking back to the room after getting ourselves out of hysterics. It was a short walk, maybe 30 ft but we were holding hands.

When we got married, I bought a small window plaque that matched nothing in our kitchen (still doesn't) but I liked what it said so much. Dave said it was stupid and it was completely gooshy romantic. But I was a newlywed and thought we had been through so much. Silly me.

This is what the plaque says:

The little boat of you and me
went sailing on the deep blue sea.
We weathered winds and crashing waves
and we were strong and true and brave.
And we were still in love so
we kept sailing on the deep blue sea.
The little boat of you and me.

I would say we are going to have weather winds and crashing waves over the next year(s). So, I ask you to pray we will be strong, true and brave. All of us in our little family. I told Dave that I thought I would love him and our girls more when we were all done with this. We will keep sailing together.

And pray we will trust even more in the Eternal Captain of our ship. Jesus, you've got the helm. Take us home.


Mrs. T. said...

Praying without ceasing for sweet little Sophia! Romans 8:26--Janet TerLouw

Joanne said...

I am praying for you and your family at this time....Proverbs 3:5-6 Joanne Williams from Ladies Bible Study Trinidad W.I.

Lynne Piper said...

Oh Amy, my heart is heavy with this news. Why does God allow this? I don't know. Praying...yes, Lord, I agree with Amy...make something beautiful and lasting here. Heal Sophia through Your hands and those of the doctors. Help us, Father, we're desperate for some good news. Please let this tumor be one which can be dealt with concisely and finally, without endagering our healthy Sophia. Hear our prayer, please, hear our prayer. Amen

alewing said...

I am praying for comfort and peace for you and your family. I am at work today(Hermann Hosp) just one stop away from you. If you need ANYTHING please call my cell 785-844-0166.
Allison (Diers) Ewing

Michelle Pixie said...

Having walked in your shoes a mere 6 months ago I will send prayers and strength for you and your little warrior Sophia! xxoo

Shauna said...

I can only imagine the fears and frustrations you and Dave and family are going through. My heart goes out to you and prayers daily. I do miss you guys and the crazy little girls running all over the house cracking me up. My how time changes from one moment to the next. You're a strong woman Amy and God will pull through I just know it. A huge hug sent your way.

Heather said...

Amy, I am praying for your family & sweet Sophia. I havent been attending BCUMC, or seen you in awhile, but please know Im lifting you all in prayer. Know that God is walking alongside you all during this scary journey. HE will never leave you. HE has Sophia in HIS healing hands & I pray she will be healed of this soon. HE loves the little children and never leaves them. Its amazing how kids are incredibly resilient& strong- Ive seen it with my cousins 9 yr old who is healed of leukemia & I see it with our 17yr old friend who is currently battling it. Children are far stronger than we ever imagine. I cant imagine all the emotions you must be feeling, but I pray God gives you peace that passes all understanding. I also pray you find some comfort in knowing so many are lifting yall & Sophia in prayer. Hugs & Prayers to the Vogels. Please let us know if you need anything. Give Sophia a hug of comfort from The Tagle's.
~Heather Tagle